Wednesday, May 25, 2005        Edition: #3041
Can You Believe This Sheet?  

TODAY a dedication ceremony for “Buck Owens’ Legends in Bronze” takes place at his Crystal Palace in Las Vegas, honoring country greats such as Hank Williams Jr, Johnny Cash, Elvis Presley, George Jones, Merle Haggard, Willie Nelson, George Strait, and Garth Brooks, who’ll attend the ceremony . . . TONIGHT is the final episode of a 3-day challenge match on “Jeopardy!” in which 2 former champs take on all-time winner Ken Jennings for a grand prize of $2 million – the  largest single-day payout in game show history (2nd place: $500,000; 3rd place: $250,000) . . . TONIGHT the newest “American Idol” will finally be announced at the end of a commercial-crammed 2-hour episode ( has Bo Bice favored at 5-8 odds over Carrie Underwood) . . . TONIGHT “West Wing” star Janel Moloney has the lead role in the CBS-TV movie, “Amber Frey: Witness for the Prosecution”, based on the infamous Scott Peterson murder case (they finish the movies about murder cases a helluva lot faster than the trials!) . . . And a man wearing a ‘Darth Vader’ mask has robbed a Springfield IL movie theater showing “Revenge of the Sith” (makes you wonder – is George Lucas now collecting his loot directly?).

• Alanis Morissette – TODAY she’s on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Counting Crows – Adam Duritz’s spokesman is urging us to ignore a jailed NYC escort agency boss who claims Duritz has hired up to 5 girls at a time and spent as much as $20,000 a throw. The rep claims that’s hard to believe, because he’s a rock star who gets some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.
• Nelly – TONIGHT he’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Paul McCartney – He’s  reportedly just bought a $7.6-million, 8-bedroom mansion on the Van Valkenburg Estate in Pasadena CA. The house was featured in the 1960s “Batman” TV series as the home of the Caped Crusader’s alter ego, millionaire ‘Bruce Wayne’.
• Rascal Flatts – TONIGHT they perform their #1 hit “Bless the Broken Road” with “American Idol” finalist Carrie Underwood during the show’s season finalé.
• Rob Thomas – TODAY he does daytime talk show “The View” on ABC-TV.

A father can play a crucial role in the success of his kids at school, according to a new University of Delaware study. Robin Palkovitz, a professor of Individual & Family Studies says his research shows that when fathers are involved in their children’s education in a positive way, the kids enjoy school more, have a lower drop-out and expulsion rate, get better grades, and participate more in extracurricular activities. (He calls this innovative new method of nurturing – ‘parenting’.)

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Adrenosexual’ – A backlash to the self-preening ‘metrosexual male’, this is an all-action, thrill-seeking guy who uses high-adrenaline activities for fitness, fun and fulfilment.
• ‘Cool Biz’ – The new style for men’s office wear being served up by Japanese designers, which includes suits in lightweight summer fabrics and shirts with ventilation holes in the armpits.
• ‘Illiterati’ – Celebrities who can’t read. According to “Radar” magazine, Kevin Federline fills the bill after recently complaining about the “f–ing pazzariti” who won’t leave he and wife Britney Spears alone.
• ‘Testicular Virility’ – A phrase coined by Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich to describe his ability to make tough decisions. Aka: ‘balls’. (“Do you have the testicular virility to make a decision like that, knowing what’s coming you’re way?”)

Haifa University scientists say they have located the parts of the brain that comprehend sarcasm. By comparing healthy people and those with damage to different parts of the brain, they found the front of the brain provides the key to understanding irony. Damage to any of 3 frontal areas could render individuals unable to understand sarcastic comments. (Wow, this has to be the most important scientific discovery ever!)
– BBC News

• A city councilor in Vienna, Austria wants to use DNA technology to chase down the owners of dogs that leave droppings in public areas. The local politico is suggesting the city register all dogs’ DNA so that prodigal poop can be tested and the owner of the guilty pooch punished. (Coming soon to CBS – “CSI: Vienna”.)
• A dad in Puerto Progresso, Mexico has allegedly tried to steal 6 bottles of vodka from a liquor store by placing them in his baby’s stroller. The first cop on the scene sagely determined that the kid was therefore an accomplice to the crime and the year-old baby was arrested and tossed in jail!
• The prostitutes union in Germany has initiated a 20% discount to johns on welfare. All that customers seeking the markdown need to do is show their unemployment card to qualify. (There really are hookers with a heart of gold!)
• A 35-year-old Glendora CA woman has been arrested after the California Highway Patrol pulled her over and found 9 people crammed in her vehicle, including 2 kids in the trunk. What’s worse – she was only driving a teensy Toyota Corolla!

A snapshot of who we are and what we think …
• 92% of women say the #1 characteristic they want from their man is ‘dependability’.
• 62% of us believe that the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes romance is a publicity stunt.
• 57% of adults think that scientists have the most respected occupation.
• 20% of men would prefer to work for a female boss.
• 19% of “Star Wars” fans choose ‘Han Solo’ (Harrison Ford) as their all-time favorite character.
• 15% of men who divorce over infidelity actually go on to marry the woman with whom they were having the affair.

British men have greater sexual stamina than their international counterparts, a 5-nation study on premature ejaculation has reveals. The Dutch study finds that British males lasts an average of 7 minutes and 36 seconds, longer than Americans’ 7 minutes and Spaniards’ 6 minutes. The Dutch manage just 5 minutes in the sack, while the Turks last for a mere 3.5. Sex therapist Paula Hall says there could be various reasons – it may be that British men are more inhibited, or that their women have higher expectations or, perhaps, that they are more skilled.
– “Evening Standard”

Rubber wristbands proclaiming support for a cause have become very fashionable. However, some of the bands pose a problem for hospitals. A study in the physicians’ trade paper “American Medical News” reports that yellow ‘Live Strong’ bracelets could be confused with ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ tags – also yellow bracelets. Similarly, some hospitals use purple to signal a patient at risk of falling down, and red bands to indicate patients with allergies. (Another reason not to convert to Kabbalah.)
– “Los Angeles Times”

Jin Guolong from Henan, China regularly drinks through his nose instead of his mouth. He claims it only takes a few seconds for him to snort a full glass of orange juice.
– “Star Daily”

“I don’t find Hollywood interesting, so I’m thinking about studying architecture instead.”
– Vancouver-born “Star Wars” actor Hayden Christensen telling “The Sun” what may come next. (He can pretty much afford to do whatever he wants now.)


1939 [66] Ian McKellen, Burnley UK, movie actor (“Lord of the Rings” trilogy, “X-Men” 1-3″)

1944 [61] Frank Oz, Hereford UK, Muppeteer (‘Miss Piggy’, ‘Fozzie Bear’, ‘Bert’, ‘Grover’, ‘Cookie Monster’)/voice actor (‘Yoda’-“Star Wars” series)/movie director (“The Stepford Wives”)

1963 [42] Mike Myers, Scarborough ON, movie actor (“Shrek 1 & 2″, “Austin Powers” series) FACTOID: He’s just wrangled a $19-million deal for his voice to be used in “Shrek” video games which will come out in 2007 and 2010 to tie in with the release of the 3rd and 4th movies in the series.

1969 [36] Anne Heche, Aurora OH, movie actress (“6 Days 7 Nights”, “Wag the Dog”)/Ellen DeGeneres’ ex-partner

TODAY is “Flirting Day” (aka ‘Get Your Ass Slapped With a Harassment Suit Day’).

TODAY is “Missing Children’s Day”, promoting awareness of the problem and safety tips for kids and parents. We’re asked to turn on porch lights as a way to show hope and support for missing kids and their families. More than 67,000 children were reported missing LAST YEAR in Canada. On any given day in America, approximately 2,000 children are reported as missing or abducted.

TODAY is the 12th annual “Senior Health & Fitness Day”, promoting the goal of keeping seniors healthy and fit. (As opposed to the rest of us.)

TODAY is “Tap Dance Day”, honoring the birthday of Bill ‘Bojangles’ Robinson, ‘King of Tap Dancers’, in 1878. (You can do an on-air tap dance using 2 pencils on the microphone … gently.)

1977 [28] The original “Star Wars” movie is released (earns $775 million worldwide)

1992 [13] Jay Leno debuts as host of NBC-TV’s “The Tonight Show” as Johnny Carson retires after 30 years

1989 [16] 1st (and only) Stanley Cup won by Calgary Flames (vs Montréal Canadiens)

[Fri] Ancestor Honor Day
[Sat] Hamburger Day
[Sun] Indianapolis 500
[Mon] Memorial Day (no BS service)
[Mon] Memorial Day (USA)
[Tues] Save Your Hearing Day
[Tues] World No-Tobacco Day
This Week Is . . . Backyard Games Week
This Month Is . . . Correct Posture Month

Have male contestant(s) attempt to answer these household-type questions –
• Martha Stewart suggests soaking fresh garlic in warm water before mincing for how long?
a. 5 minutes.
b. 15 minutes. [CORRECT]
c. Until it turns black.

• How can you extend the shelf-life of celery?
a. Wrap it in aluminum foil. [CORRECT]
b. Bake it for 10 minutes.
c. Wrap it in duct tape.

• What can you brush on the crust of a meat pie to keep it from absorbing gravy?
a. Shortening.
b. Egg whites. [CORRECT]
c. Varithane.

• To prevent eggshells from cracking, what do you add to the water before hard-boiling?
a. Olive oil.
b. A pinch of salt. [CORRECT]
c. Silcone caulk.

• What can you put on Tupperware to prevent it from staining when storing tomato-based sauces?
a. Formaldehyde.
b. Red paint.
c. Non-stick cooking spray. [CORRECT]

• If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, what can you add to fix it?
a. A peeled potato. [CORRECT]
b. A bottle of Tabasco.
C. Beer.

• How can you stop brown sugar from getting hard?
a. Add half a potato.
b. Put in a slice of apple. [CORRECT]
c. Add a dollop of Vaseline.

• Candles will last a lot longer if you do this for 3 hours prior to burning them.
a. Marinate them in kerosene.
b. Put them in the freezer. [CORRECT]
c. Hide all the matches in the house.

• How do you determine if an egg is fresh?
a. Tap it on your forehead to see if it’s hollow.
b. Test it with a cordless drill
c. Immerse it in cool, salted water. [CORRECT. If it sinks it is fresh, if it floats throw it away!]

• Which breakfast cereal claims it can help you lose up to 6 lbs in just 2 weeks?
a. Special K [CORRECT]
b. Cap’n Crunch
c. Kellogg’s Bark ‘n Twigs

Today’s Question: A recent study on shopping habits finds that if you’re going to buy one of THESE, you’re most likely to do it at 11 am on a Saturday morning.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A cellphone.

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.


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