Friday, May 13, 2005                              Edition: #3033
If You Can’t Dazzle Them with Brilliance, Baffle Them with Bull!

TODAY the USA’s 2nd-largest movie theater chain, Loews Cineplex, begins publishing the actual start times of feature presentations, excluding all the onscreen previews & advertising (now if they could just publish the actual cost of popcorn bucket) . . . TONIGHT  Dennis Miller’s final talk show airs on CNBC after getting the boot due to low ratings (“Monday Night Football”, now CNBC –  that’s strike 2, Den’!) . . . TONIGHT the 2-hour final episode of “Star Trek: Enterprise” airs as ‘Captain Archer’ and the crew return to Earth (the producers admit the show’s tired and at least one actor says the finalé is horrible) . . . SATURDAY Will Ferrell returns to host “Saturday Night Live” on NBC-TV, his first appearance since he left the cast in 2002 after 7 seasons (Queens of the Stone Age are the musical guest) . . . SUNDAY “Star Wars” filmmaker George Lucas receives the ‘Festival Trophy’ career achievement award at the “Cannes Film Festival” in a special ceremony aboard the luxury cruise liner Queen Mary II, the same night “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith” is screened – in yet another ‘world premiere’.

• Jennifer Lopez – TODAY she’s does ABC-TV’s daytime talk show “The View”.
• Joss Stone – THIS WEEK she failed to pass the California driving test so she still only has a learner’s permit. She admits, “I totally failed. I’m crap!”
• Kenny Chesney – He only told members of his band he was getting married to Renee Zellweger at a concert 2 nights before the wedding. He reportedly announced it through their in-ear monitors.
• Mariah Carey – TODAY she’s on TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Montgomery Gentry – SUNDAY they host the Academy of Country Music’s 2nd annual “Celebrity Motorcycle Ride” through the Nevada desert that raises funds for the ACM Charitable Foundation. Others riding Harley hogs include Dierks Bentley, Lonestar, the Warren Bros, Mark Wills, and Ira Dean of Trick Pony.
• Sting – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Show With David Letterman”

• “Monster-in-Law” (PG-13 Romantic Comedy): Jennifer Lopez plays an unlucky-in-love woman who thinks she’s finally found the guy of her dreams (“Alias”’s Michael Vartan) until she meets his detestable mom (Jane Fonda, in her first role since 1990’s “Stanley & Iris”).
• “Kicking & Screaming” (PG Comedy): Robert Duvall plays ‘Buck’, a driven soccer coach who has the audacity to kick his own grandson off the team. Will Ferrell play’s ‘Buck’s son, a wimp of a guy who becomes pissed off enough to coach his kid’s new team – a “Bad News Bears”-style collection of kiddie misfits. And who comes to the rescue? None other than former real-life Chicago Bears’ coach Mike Ditka.
• “Mindhunters” (R-Rated Crime Thriller): Val Kilmer trains a crew of elite FBI psychological profilers who track serial killers. The twist is that the newbies (Christian Slater, LL Cool J, and Angelina Jolie’s ex-, Jonny Lee Miller) end up being stalked by a murderous nutcase. Shot entirely in the Netherlands; the building used as ‘FBI Headquarters’ is actually in The Hague.
• “Unleashed” (R-Rated Action Thriller): Jet Li plays ‘Danny’, a slave raised to be a lethal fighting machine in illegal gladiator-style fight clubs. His evil boss (Bob Hoskins) actually keeps him restrained on a collar and leash. Then a blind piano tuner (Morgan Freeman) arrives on the scene to teach ‘Danny the Dog’ there’s more to life than kicking butt.

Carolyn Leighton, founder of LA-based ‘Women in Technology International’, says that most companies think that when they make technology for women, they need to use pretty colors. In fact, Leighton claims, women don’t care about the color, but about the weight, functionality, and most importantly, the ease of use of today’s techno-gizmos. (Think that’s true? Phone poll of women: “What color is your cellphone?)
– “Chicago Tribune”

According to Dartmouth University researchers, women who look men in the eye are more likely to be seen as physically attractive and likeable. But if that woman glances at the man and then turns her eyes away – essentially rejecting him – she’ll be perceived as much less sexy. It is these nonverbal cues that shape our impressions of others more than anything else. (Yeah, ever since I saw that picture of the ‘Runaway Bride’ staring with those fried-eggs eyes, I’ve been totally obsessed.)
– “Psychological Science”

British education boards are offering secondary school students the opportunity to have their marks adjusted for – emotional upset. For instance, if the family cat dies on the day of a test, a student qualifies to receive 2% more marks. However, if the puddy-tat dies the day BEFORE the exam, the adjustment is only 1% extra. Critics say the policy is a misguided attempt to quantify and compensate for the effects of emotional distress. (What we wanna know is … do you have to bring the carcass in for proof?)
– “Times of London”

A 6-ft, 185-lb male high school senior at Badger High in Lake Geneva WI thought it would be funny to wear a dress to his prom – a black, stretchy, spaghetti-strap number, to be precise. Apparently the school failed to see the humor – he’s been fined $249 for disorderly conduct, suspended for 3 days and banned from competing at the school’s final track meet. (The principal said the harsh penalty is due to the lad’s irresponsible decision – the pumps and handbag didn’t match.)

James Auger, author of “Augmented Animals”, is developing an LED light that is designed to translate a dog’s tail-wagging into English. But that’s just the beginning to his visions of animal improvements using today’s technology. Among the other (tongue-in-cheek) improvements he sees on the horizon: Rodents running about with night-vision goggles, squirrels hoarding nuts using GPS locators, and fish armed with metal detectors to avoid fishing hooks.
– “Wired”

• Actor Kevin Spacey, artistic director of London’s Old Vic, has set a lofty goal that ought to create a wack of publicity for the theater – he intends to write, rehearse and stage 6 plays in just 24 hours. (“Times of London”)
• The world’s tallest Ferris wheel will be completed in Shanghai, China by 2008. With a diameter of 170 m (558 ft), it will top the current record holder, the London Eye, which spins 135 m (443 ft) above London, England. The big wheel will take 30 minutes for each rotation, carrying a total of 1,080 riders in 36 wagons. The admission will be relatively modest – the equivalent of $12. (“Shanghai Daily”)
• How do you bury a 900-lb man? In a 7-foot-wide coffin. The giant casket, custom-made for an obese Alaskan man by Indiana-based Goliath Casket Co, is the size of a double bed. (“NY Post”)

• A Brigham Young University study has found that girls as young as 3 or 4 will use manipulation and peer pressure to get what they want. (Mean girls!)
• On a dry human tongue, sugar has no taste. (Never eat dessert in the desert!)

“If I had my own baby, I would have bigger boobs. That’s one of the good things I can think of that would come out of it!”
– Nicole Kidman in “Reveal” magazine.


1939 [66] Harvey Keitel, Brooklyn NY, tough-guy movie actor (“National Treasure”, “Be Cool”)
1950 [55] Stevie Wonder (Steveland Hardaway), Saginaw MI, oldies singer/songwriter with 16 Grammy Awards (“Sunshine of My Life”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1989)

1953 [52] Tom Cochrane, Lynn Lake MB, classic rock singer (“Life is a Highway”)/Canadian Music Hall of Fame (2003)

1965 [40] Lari White, Dunedin FL, country singer (“I’m No Stranger To The Rain”)

1966 [39] Darius Rucker, Charleston SC, has-been pop singer (Hootie & the Blowfish-“Let Her Cry”)

1979 [26] Mickey Madden, LA CA, pop musician (Maroon 5-“She Will Be Loved”, “This Love”)

Classic rock musician Jack Bruce of Cream is 62; “Star Wars” movie producer/director George Lucas is 61; Classic rock singer David Byrne (Talking Heads) is 53; Movie actress Cate Blanchett (“Lord of the Rings”) is 36; Guitarist Henry Garza (Los Lonely Boys) is 27; TV actress Amber Tamblyn  (“Joan of Arcadia”) is 22.

TV actress Jamie-Lynn DiScala (“The Sopranos”) is 24.

TODAY is –
• “Friday The 13th”, considered unlucky by the superstitious. There’s at least 1 each year but never more than 4.
• “Table Knife Appreciation Day”. France’s Cardinal Richelieu is said to have invented the utensil on this date in 1639. Before that, hunting knives were used in a stabbing motion.

• “International Online Romance Day”, a day to fall in love in a chat room (with who knows what). It’s the 8th annual excuse to encourage singles to go online.
• “Dance Like A Chicken Day”. Everybody now – “Dadda dadda dadda dah, dadda dadda dadda dah, dah dah dah dah …”
• “Help Clean Up Your Street Day”. (So [co-host], guess you’re moving, are you?)

• “Chocolate Chip Day”. Hey, any excuse to mow down on a dozen warm gooey cookies, fresh out of the oven is alright by us. Mmmm, can’t you just smell ‘em?

2004 [01] Series finalé of “Frasier” airs after 11 seasons on NBC-TV

1878 [127] ‘Vaseline’ 1st marketed (what’s the best thing you’ve ever used it for … er, maybe the SECOND-best thing?)

1959 [46] 1st ‘Hula Hoop’ patented by AK Melin (immediately becomes a HUGE fad)

[Sat] Native American Day
[Mon] Biographers Day
[Mon] Employee Health & Fitness Day
[Mon] Wear Purple For Peace Day
[Mon] “Star Wars Marathon” (London UK)
[Mon] “Everybody Loves Raymond” series finalé
[Tues] BC Election
[Tues] 40th Academy of Country Music Awards
This Week Is . . . Hug An Elder Week
This Month Is . . . Date Your Mate Month

If you are afflicted with a morbid, irrational fear of Friday the 13th, you’re suffering from ‘paraskevidekatriaphobia’. What other things are people irrationally afraid of? You list off the phobias, your contestant tries to pick what abnormal fear each one involves. The correct answers are in CAPITAL LETTERS.
• Barophobia – gravy, GRAVITY or grovelling?
• Pluviophobia – RAIN, pain or trains?
• Peladophobia – blondes, brunettes or BALDIES?
• Blennophobia – grime, SLIME or lemon-lime?
• Gymnophobia – dodgeball, funny-looking shorts or GETTING NAKED?
• Koniophobia – DUST, rust or oversized busts?
• Musophobia – lice, MICE, or Bo Bice?
• Clinophobia – Getting up in the morning, GOING TO BED or falling out of bed?
• Acarophobia – ITCHING, bitching or snitching?
• Genuphobia – bees, KNEES or an ooey-gooey sneeze?
• Haphephobia – BEING TOUCHED, playing video games in bed or taking a shower at Neverland?

• Let’s say you’re Dave Chappelle’s boss at Comedy Central. You have no idea where your AWOL #1 comedian is, although “Entertainment Weekly” is reporting he’s checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa. You just signed him to a $50-million deal for 2 more seasons of “Chappelle’s Show” … so what do you do?
• Former “American Idol” contestant-turned-sleazeball publicity-whore Corey Clark is now claiming that he can ID a ‘distinguishing characteristic’ on Paula Abdul’s body. What do you think it is? An ‘Emilio Estevez Sucks’ tattoo? Randy Jackson’s handprints? A ‘barber pole’ like Michael Jackson’s?

Ohhh, so that’s what acoustic means? I thought acoustic was what you shoot pool with!

Today’s Question: On average, a modern woman’s [BLANK] is twice as big as her mother’s.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Engagement ring. (“Newsweek”)

Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.


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