Wednesday, May 4, 2005        Edition: #3026
A Bull in Hand Is A Sheetload of Prep!

TONIGHT that supposed Sasquatch video, shot along the Nelson River 500 km north of Winnipeg, gets an airing on the syndicated TV show “A Current Affair” (meaning the guy who faked .. er rather shot it, Bobby Clarke of Norway House MB, has finally cashed in!) . . . Can you tell it’s May Sweeps? TONIGHT ABC-TV airs its so-called “Fallen Idol” investigation of FOX-TV’s “American Idol” on “Primetime Live”; meantime CBS-TV has a special primetime “Dr Phil” featuring newly-rehabbed seductive voicemail master and “Insider” host Pat O’Brien (what a night of trash – don’t miss a minute!) . . . Sportswear company Nautical Mile is awarding a pair of its $950 python-skinned sneakers to the ‘hippest and healthiest’ female stars, including Alicia Keys, Fergie from Black Eyed Peas, actress Jennifer Garner and, of course, Paris Hilton (why is it even really rich stars are such suckers for freebies?) . . . Paris Hilton says she’s leaving her partying days behind and will now focus on her ‘career’, even though she’s paid $7,500-to-$10,000 just to show up at a party – per minute! . . . Meantime, it’s being reported that Paris has lost something again – this time a laptop computer containing ‘personal photos & videos’ (how many times can she pull the same publicity stunt?) . . . In a new “Vanity Fair” interview, Angelina Jolie reveals that she prefers her female lovers to be ‘curvy’ (is that true, Brad?) . . . Former “Friends” star Matthew Perry has bought himself a $2.5-million, fully-furnished Hollywood mansion, complete with Italian furniture, a goatskin rug – and a waterfall in the bathroom! . . . And actress Reese Witherspoon has managed to evacuate her Brentwood CA fitness club by accidentally setting off a can of pepper spray – she always carries one to fend off paparazzi!

• American Hi-Fi  – Stacy Jones says he was into music at an early age, sitting in front of his family’s stereo with giant headphones on, banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
• Faith Evans – TONIGHT she’s on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Linkin Park – They claim Warner Music is not marketing them effectively and are demanding to be released from a 4-album commitment. Meantime, frontman Chester Bennington is fighting for custody of his 3-year-old son after being served with divorce papers by his estranged wife.
• Toby Keith – He’s preparing to launch his 3rd USO tour during which he’ll perform for US troops stationed in Cuba, Germany, Belgium and the Persian Gulf.
• Usher – The 26-year-old is already talking early retirement, saying he doesn’t think he can keep up his tough workout and performance regimen into his 40s.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Wholpin’ – A cross between a whale and a dolphin. The only one in captivity has given birth to a female calf at Sea Life Park in Hawaii.
• ‘Latte Factor’ – The phenomenon whereby seemingly insignificant daily purchases add up to a significant amount of money over time.
• ‘Dungcam’ – A remote-controlled camera disguised as a dung-heap. They’re currently being used by movie-makers to film African elephant turds … er make that herds.

A new study of 34 countries by the World Health Organization finds the rates of childhood obesity are highest in …
5. Canada … 19% overweight or obese.
4. Greenland … 21%
3. Britain … 22%
2. USA … 24%
1. Malta … 26%.
– “Science News for Kids” / “The Sun”

NEXT MONTH scientists at the Museum of Natural History in Albuquerque NM will unveil a reconstructed model of what is believed to be the biggest bug to ever crawl the Earth – at close to 6-feet-long! The big bug, called ‘Arthro Plura’, went extinct 300 million years ago and is a very distant cousin of modern-day millipedes and centipedes. Fossils of it have been found in Nova Scotia and Scotland, and the recent discovery of fossilized tracks in New Mexico proves the giant insect also lived there. (Kind of makes your cockroach problem seem insignificant, doesn’t it?)
– NBC News

ODDS ARE: has put together a list of odds for likely US presidential candidates. Democratic Senator Hillary Clinton is a 6-1 favorite, running ahead of Republican Rudy Giuliani, who comes in at 10-1. Condoleeza Rice is not far behind with 15-1 odds, the same as Senator John Edwards. Senator Barack Obama is ranked 30-1 and Florida governor Jeb Bush 35-1.
– “MSNBC Scoop”

A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 70% of us are driving around on under-inflated tires.
• 69% of wives say they spend more time making the lawn ‘look nice’ than their husbands.
• 56% of women say they’re more attached to their pet than their man.
• 54% of us prefer to fold toilet paper rather than wad it.
• 46% of guys & 31% of women admit they’ve been guilty of ‘double dipping’ at a party.
• 14% of us admit to answering a phone call during an ‘intimate moment’.
• 13% of Canadian girls and 12% of boys say they had intercourse by the age of 15.

Women are being given the chance to ‘dive into chocolate’ to make themselves beautiful at a health spa in Paris. Beauty treatments at the Four Seasons Hotel George V spa include a ‘Chocolate & Cranberry Body Scrub’, a ‘Toffee Chocolate Wrap’ and a ‘Deep Chocolate Massage’. The ultimate 2-and-a-half hour ‘Decadent Chocolate Package’ costs circa $380 and comes complete with a bowl of chocolate sweets beside the massage table. So does it do anything for you? The therapists say yes, claiming cocoa has anti-aging properties. (What do guys get – a bathtub full of beer?)
– Ananova

Better watch your back! In a new MuchMusic/Listerine PocketPaks online poll, kids rate the following as the ‘dream jobs’ they’d love to have ….
5. Music Video Director
4. Movie Hair & Makeup Professional
3. Fashion Designer
2. On-Air Personality
1. Entertainment Reporter
– “Social Studies”

Italian designer Francesca Rosella has developed a special shirt for people in long distance relationships. The ‘F+R Hugs’ T-shirt has fitted sensors in the upper arms, back, hips and shoulders that recreate the physical pressure of a hug by inflating and deflating at a touch of a button. The shirt also simulates the missing partner’s breath, touch and heartbeat based on info transmitted by cellphone. (Save money! [Co-host] will go over and hug your girlfriend while you’re away – for free!)
– Ananova

It seems severed fingers are popping up all over. This time a Wilmington NC man found one in a pint of frozen chocolate custard he bought at a dessert shop. Unlike that recent incident at a Wendy’s in California, this incident turns out to be the real thing. The shop owner has confirmed an employee lost part of a finger in an accident with a food-processing machine. The unlucky recipient of the departed digit, Clarence Stowers, says he plans to contact a lawyer.
– “Daily News”

• Experts say the smell of cinnamon or peppermint might take the edge off road rage during your next traffic jam.
• There’s an 11% chance that after you get married your mother will move in with you.

“I’ve been tied to everybody I ever worked with.”
– Angelina Jolie in her “Vanity Fair” interview, speaking metaphorically … we think.


1959 [46] Randy Travis (Traywick), Marshville NC, country singer (“Forever & Ever Amen”)

1972 [33] Mike Dirnt, Berkeley CA, rock musician (Green Day-“American Idiot”)

1979 [25] Lance Bass, Laurel MS, has-been pop singer (‘N Sync-“Bye Bye Bye”)

TODAY is “Weather Observers’ Day”, recognizing both pros and amateurs who follow the elements. (Hmm, which would [local TV weather reporter] qualify as?)

TODAY is “Scrapbook Day”, honoring what’s become a hot hobby of late. ‘Scrapbooking’ now involves a lot more than just gluing a few pics in a book. It even has its own magazine …

TODAY is “International Relationship Renewal Day”, saluting relationships that have made it through another year. Couples are encouraged to celebrate and congratulate one another and each other.

TODAY is the day many Irish wear their coats inside-out to confuse the “Maytime Fairies”.

1927 [78] ‘Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences’ is founded (the Oscar people)

1959 [46] 1st ‘Grammy Awards’ presented (winners include Henry Mancini, the Kingston Trio)

1994 [11] Bill Wyman announces his retirement from the Rolling Stones

1715 [290] 1st ‘Folding Umbrella’ pops open in Paris

1968 [37] 1st McDonald’s ‘Big Mac’ is served

[Thurs] British General Election
[Thurs] Cinco de Mayo
[Thurs] No Diet Day
[Fri] International Tuba Day
[Sat] 2005 Kentucky Derby
[Sun] 60th Anniversary V-E Day
[Mon] Lost Sock Memorial Day
This Week Is . . . Safe Kids Week
This Month Is . . . Young Achiever’s Month   


• Can we require the elderly to always drive with their hazard lights on?
• Are eclipses confusing to roosters?
• Do they call it ‘Sears’ because the customer gets burned?
• Can we just pretend to give mimes money?
• If necessity is the mother of invention, why do we have so many useless contraptions?
• The blind wear thick black glasses. Why don’t the deaf wear oversized earmuffs?
• Why does ‘Miss Universe’ always come from Earth?

Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – Today you will develop an insatiable sweet tooth as your Mars bar approaches the Haagen Dazs constellation.
• Taurus – Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble … you should really pay cash.
• Gemini – You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself. Call in the professionals!
• Cancer – A sudden cold snap while waiting in line for “Revenge of The Sith” makes your choice of a ‘Chewbacca’ costume seem like a good idea.
• Leo – Good day to bring doughnuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.
• Virgo – Unless the plumber normally dresses in leather and chains, it would be naive to think your wife is being faithful.
• Libra – Though fashion tends to repeat itself, there’s little hope your collection of Iron Maiden T-shirts will make a comeback.
• Scorpio – The stars wish to congratulate you on your 156th straight week of being a complete loser.
• Sagittarius – A blackout at work will give you a chance to meditate. Use it to think of the excuse you’ll use when the boss asks you why you flipped off the circuit breakers.
• Capricorn – Learn from your past mistakes. The strategy of ‘unleashing the power you have inside’ has nothing to do with peeing on a stranger’s lawn.
• Aquarius – On the road of life, there are no answers in the back of the book. Save yourself some time and do the legwork now. Unless you die today. Then you wasted a lot of time.
• Pisces – You will find a finger in your chili, but it’s OK because it’s yours.

• Don’t tell anyone you’re in comedy … they always want proof.
• You know, if I had a nickel for every piece of unsolicited e-mail … I’d be a spammer.
• I’ve discovered a bad investment is like bondage … your money is tied up while you get screwed.

Today’s Question: 41% of moms say THIS was the first highlight of motherhood.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Feeling the baby kick.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.


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