Monday, May 2, 2005        Edition: #3024
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

BS LOOK AT THE WEEKEND TABLOIDS:
• Tom Cruise may have found the perfect woman in Katie Holmes. According to British tabs, Holmes claims she’s still a virgin at age 26 and might remain chaste. Cruise’s first wife, Mimi Rogers, told “Playboy” in 1993: “Tom was seriously thinking of becoming a monk. And he thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument … it became obvious we had to split.” In Rome, Cruise and Holmes are staying at the Hassler Hotel, where he used to bring Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz. (“NY Post”)
• A $500-a-night hooker and a Webcam stripper both claim they’ve spent wild nights partying with Kevin Federline in Las Vegas while his pregnant wife Britney Spears was left at home. On one occasion, he’s said to have passed out cold on a hotel bed after becoming sick on booze and Ecstasy. (“National Enquirer”)
• Here’s what you end up doing when you don’t win “American Idol”. THIS WEEK former “Idol” contestants appear on the daytime TV game show “Family Feud”, including Diana DeGarmo, Kimberley Locke, Julia DeMato, Jon Peter Lewis, George Huff, Vanessa Olivarez & Matt Rogers. (“TV Tome”)
• Evidence has surfaced that current “American Idol” finalist Bo Bice was arrested in 2001 for cocaine possession, with charges dismissed after he completed a first-offenders program. FOX-TV says producers were aware of the incident and Bo will remain on the show. (“Smoking Gun”)
• Justin Timberlake is reportedly set to wed Cameron Diaz this coming weekend. They’ve apparently been planning the low-key ceremony in the south of France for months and were desperate to keep it a secret, but word has leaked they intend to tie the knot at the super-swish Grand-Hotel du Cap-Ferrat in Nice this SATURDAY. An employee admits the entire hotel is booked for a special event. (“News of the World “)
• “Ray”, “Desperate Housewives”, “Lost” and “ER” were among the winners at the 9th annual “Prism Awards”, which recognize accurate depiction of drug, alcohol and tobacco use in entertainment. (“E! Online”)
• Rumors are circulating in the UK that a “Live Aid 2” concert is secretly being planned for this JULY. The original “Live Aid” was watched by over 1.5 billion on TV worldwide and raised some $140-million for famine relief in Africa. The 1985 concerts in London and Philadelphia featured dozens of acts including Santana, Bob Dylan, Bryan Adams, The Who, U2, David Bowie and Phil Collins, who managed to play both shows on the same day by crossing the Atlantic on a supersonic Concorde aircraft. (“The Sun”)
• Ben Affleck reportedly bought his alleged new fiancée Jennifer Garner that $500,000, 4.5 carat engagement ring he supposedly presented her with on her 33rd birthday with – a credit note he received from jeweler Harry Winston when he returned the much more pricey pink diamond he got back from J-Lo after their engagement was broken off. (“Daily Star”)

“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “New Spray Makes Homosexuals Invisible to Gaydar!”
• “Heavenly Bodies – Russian Astronomer Discovers X-Rated Constellations!”
• “Man Has Erection For a Year!”
• “God Switches Places With Bus Driver!”
• “Deadly Life Form Discovered – Entire World in Danger!”
• “Alien Bible Found – They Worship Oprah!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Coldplay – They’ve become the first Brit band since The Beatles to have a single debut in the top 10 in the US. “Speed of Sound” opened at #8 in “Billboard”.
• Cream – TONIGHT the classic rock trio that launched Eric Clapton to fame performs together for the first time since 1993 when they were admitted to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. They’ll perform 4 shows THIS WEEK at the Royal Albert Hall in London, their first in the UK since 1968.
• Dave Matthews Band – They’ve settled a lawsuit over that waste dumped from their tour bus in Chicago, by agreeing to pay $200,000 to an environmental fund.
• Dixie Chicks – They’re currently in Los Angeles recording a new album which will be the follow-up to 2002′s “Home”. So far, no title or release date have been announced.
• Jennifer Lopez – Dozens of PETA protesters were at the premiere of her new movie “Monster-in-Law” with signs declaring her the ‘Monster-in-Fur’ for using it in her Sweetface fashion collection.
• Mariah Carey – She’s planning to turn her 1994 “Merry Christmas” album into a Broadway musical. She says she’s writing a story based around the songs, plus adding 2 new songs.
• Willie Nelson – A stretch of Texas Highway #130 won’t be named after him as previously announced. A pair of Republican senators have objected due to his fondness for drinking, drugs and Democrats.

RANKING RELIABILITY:
Google’s search engine is set to become even smarter by sorting its stories in order of quality as well as by date and relevance. The company is developing a ‘quality ranking system’ to monitor the credibility and authority of news sources. (Which should rank first … and last?)
– “Daily Express”

GET READY FOR ANOTHER LOW-BUDGET HORROR FLICK:
Researchers at Yale University School of Medicine have managed to create remote-controlled fruit flies. By manipulating their little fly brains, the scientists are able to use a laser trigger to activate different parts of the nervous system in order to get them to flap their wings or jump around. So far, researchers haven’t mentioned what possible practical use this technology might have. (But it’s safe to assume the CIA has already confiscated their equipment and is currently testing it on humans.)
– MSNBC

LIFE IMITATING ART:
To help launch its upcoming film “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory”, Warner Bros is introducing a contest that mirrors the plot of the movie. A search for 5 ‘Golden Tickets’ will begin THIS MONTH and continue until April , 2006 or until all the winning tickets have been found. The grand prizes include a trip to Los Angeles for a studio tour, a trip to a fantasy sports camp, a private shopping spree, a European vacation and – $10,000 cash. The film opens in JULY.
NET: http://chocolatefactorymovie.warnerbros.com (click on ‘Wonka Industries’ logo)
– “Z Review”

GASOLINE IS ACTUALLY CHEAP:
Quit whining about the price of gas! Check out what these items would cost if you bought them by the gallon (or by the liter) …
Lipton Ice Tea – $9.52 ($2.51)
Gatorade – $10.17 ($2.68)
Diet Snapple – $10.32 ($2.72)
Evian Water – $21.19 ($5.59)
Whiteout – $25.42 ($6.74)
Brake Fluid – $33.60 ($8.87)
Scope – $84.48 ($22.29)
Pepto Bismol – $123.20 ($32.51)
Vicks Nyquil – $178.13 ($47.00)
(The difference, of course,  is you seldom need to use an entire gallon of Scope – unless you’re [co-host].)
– “Curious Times”

LIFE SUCKS:
• A Chicago IL woman who was rushing to church after having a premonition of her own death in a dream was involved in a head-on collision with a truck and – died. (“Chicago Tribune”)
• A fierce new species of Amazonian ant has been observed building elaborate traps on which hapless prey are stretched like medieval torture victims, before being slowly hacked to pieces. (“Nature”)
• Thanks to having to clean up close to 26 tonnes of broken glass annually, a Bavarian beer garden owner is forsaking the classic monster-sized beer steins traditionally associated with “Oktoberfest” and replacing them with – plastic cups. (Reuters)

BS AMAZING FACT:
Japan has finally figured out the mystery reason why its birth rate has been plummeting – couples are not having sex. Experts in Tokyo have discovered that almost a third of couples go for over a year without engaging in intercourse.

AND WE QUOTE:
“He’s quite extraordinary with his moves and spins. I think he was a baton girl in a past life.”  – Actor Ewan McGregor in “GQ” magazine, admiring the saber skills of his “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith” co-star Hayden Christensen.

THE BULL SHEET 05.02.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [55] Lou Gramm, Rochester NY, classic rock singer (Foreigner-“Double Vision”, Feels Like the First Time”)

1962 [43] Ty Herndon, Meridian MS, country singer (“No Mercy”, “What Mattered Most”)

1972 [33] The Rock (Dwayne Johnson), Hayward CA, movie actor (“Be Cool”, “The Rundown”)/6′-5″ 272-lb former WWE wrestler (record 6 titles)

1975 [30] David Beckham, Leytonstone UK, soccer star (Real Madrid, England, ex-Manchester United)/wed Spice Girl Victoria Adams in 1999/father to Brooklyn, Romeo & Cruz

1985 [20] Sarah Hughes, Great Neck NY, figure skater (2002 Olympic Gold Medal)

1990 [15] Kay Panabaker, Orange TX, TV actress  (‘Nikki Westerly’ on “Summerland” since 2004)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TONIGHT at midnight is the deadline for filing your 2004 income tax return with the Canada Revenue Agency either online or via snail mail.

TODAY is “Sibling Appreciation Day”, a day to let brothers and sisters know you care. (Or maybe to add up all the times you got ratted on, your hair pulled, your dessert stolen – and get even!)

TODAY is “International Telecommuting Day”, to encourage employers to develop programs for employees to work at home at least part of the time (aka ‘Work in Your Bathrobe Day’).

TODAY is “Melanoma Monday”, highlighting one of the most common types of skin cancer. It’s now thought that risk of developing melanoma later in life increases from exposure to too much sun during childhood, especially one or more blistering sunburns. A baby born in 2000 stood a 1 in 75 risk of developing melanoma at some point during their lifetime. Much of this is due to a combination of thinning ozone layer and increased sun exposure.
NET: http://www.dermadoctor.com/pages/newsletter92.asp

THIS WEEK is “Canadian Emergency Preparedness Week”, a day to prepare for specific emergency situations at home, work, school, or when traveling.
NET: http://www.emergencypreparednessweek.ca

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1994 [11] 1st ‘Gay Wedding’ on a TV series (‘Ron’ & ‘Erik’ on “Northern Exposure”)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1670 [335] Canada’s oldest company, ‘Hudson Bay Co’, is chartered

1964 [41] 1st Canadian horse to win Kentucky Derby (Northern Dancer)

1986 [19] ‘Expo 86′ opens in Vancouver (22 million visit over the next 5 months)

1876 [129] 1st MLB ‘Home Run’ (Chicago White Stockings’ Ross Barnes vs Cincinnati Red Stockings)

1885 [120] 1st issue of “Good Housekeeping” magazine

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1991 [14] ‘Longest Taxi Ride’ leaves Nokia, Finland for 15-day, 14,414-mile trip to Spain and back with the meter running up a total cost $16,000 (not including tip)

1997 [08] 44-year-old Tony Blair becomes the UK’s youngest Prime Minister in 185 years (he seems poised to win a 3rd term in THURSDAY’s British Election, despite low personal popularity and criticism over Iraq)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Hug Your Cat Day
[Wed] Scrapbook Day
[Wed] Weather Observers Day
[Thurs] Cinco de Mayo
[Thurs] No Diet Day
[Fri] International Tuba Day
[Sat] 2005 Kentucky Derby
[Sun] Mothers Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Eat Dessert First Week / Goodwill Industries Week / Take a Smart Risk Week / Peace of Mind Week / Pen Friends International Week / Be Kind To Animals Week / Flexible Work Arrangement Week / Teachers Appreciation Week / Postcard Week / Update Your References Week / Suicide Awareness Week / Wildflower Week / Historic Preservation Week / Work At Home Moms Week / Pet Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ‘MOMISMS’:

What sayings that your mom kept repeating do you now find fall out of your mouth when you’re speaking to your own kids? How about …
• A little soap and water never killed anybody!
• Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age.
• And where do you think you’re going?
• Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been!
• Clean up after yourself, I’m not the maid!
• You won’t be happy until you break that, will you?
• Don’t make me come in there!
• How do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t tasted it?
• Beds are not made for jumping on.
• If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times.

BS BLATANT JOKE:
I wouldn’t mind being poor if I had lots of money.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Even though it’s free, 80% of adults haven’t used one of THESE in the past 10 years.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Public library.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Adults are just kids who owe money.

 


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