Tuesday, May 11, 2004           Edition: #2786
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet … Ahhhh!

TONIGHT Dick Van Dyke (78-years-old), Mary Tyler Moore (67), Rose Marie (80), Carl Reiner (82) & other seniors from the cast of the original “Dick Van Dyke Show” (1961-66) reunite on CBS-TV for a new episode set in the present day (“Hey, let me get you a mug – that’s my denture glass!” [laugh track])  . . . Paris Hilton is set to launch her own fragrance line with Parlux Fragrances (‘Eau de Ho’) . . . Jennifer Lopez has returned the pink diamond engagement ring given to her by Ben Affleck and is now reportedly wearing one with a huge square clear diamond – from current bf Marc Anthony . . . LaToya London is the 2-3 odds-on favorite to win “American Idol” according to gambling Website BetWWTS.com, followed by Fantasia Barrino (7-5), Diana DeGarmo (7-1) & Jasmine Trias (11-1) . . . 3 years after they split George Clooney has apparently rekindled his romance with Brit TV personality Lisa Snowdon, the two meeting up in Amsterdam where Clooney is currently shooting “Ocean’s Twelve” . . . And LA fitness trainers Majid & Ahnjel Ali have announced their 5th annual “Best & Worst Rear End Awards” – ‘Bests’ going to Britney Spears & Brad Pitt, ‘Worsts’ to Paris Hilton & Jack Nicholson (thanks to his mooning in “About Schmidt”, it’s filed at the video store under ‘Horror’).

• Madonna – She’ll reportedly sing John Lennon’s “Imagine” during her upcoming “Reinvention” world tour to reflect her views about the war in Iraq.
• Jessica Simpson – It looks like she’s sporting a new bosom according to the “Awful Plastic Surgery” Website.
NET: http://awfulplasticsurgery.com
• Britney Spears – She’s axed the Far East leg of her “Onyx Hotel Tour” due to exhaustion and will now wrap the tour JUNE 6th in Dublin, Ireland before heading home.
• Clay Aiken – TONIGHT he’s on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Ricky Martin – His former manager has filed a $63.5 million lawsuit against him for breach of contract.

• “Friends: The Series Finale” (TV sitcom – DVD): Just 5 days after 50-million-plus watched the show’s final episode, here it is on a DVD that also features the original pilot episode and other retrospective material.
• “Scary Movie 3″ (Comedy – DVD/VHS): Anna Faris & Charlie Sheen star in the 3rd installment of the satirical series that takes shots at blockbuster movies such as “The Ring”, “Signs”, “Matrix Reloaded” & “Eight Mile”,  and also skewers pop trends like “American Idol”. There are cameos from Simon Cowell, Queen Latifah, Pamela Anderson, Macy Gray, Ja Rule & many more.
• “In America” (Drama – DVD): The story of a  virtually penniless Irish family that emigrates from Canada to Manhattan to take up residence in a sleazy apartment overrun by drug addicts, lowlifes and weirdos. Features Oscar-nominated performances from Samantha Morton & Djimon Hounsou.
• And there’s another really embarrassing Paris Hilton video – an extremely bad 2002 British horror movie called “Nine Lives” in which she has 10 whole minutes of screen-time playing 1 of 9 friends stranded in a Scottish mansion. According to “People” magazine, the film only spent 1 night in a movie theater – during a London horror film festival!

A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … plastic wine-bottle stoppers are bad for the environment – even if you recycle them. How so? “Bird Watcher’s Digest” says over 40 bird species live in the cork-producing woodlands of Spain and Portugal. If cork farmers go out of business, the birds will be out of a habitat. (Wait a sec … they make wine bottles without screw-caps?)
• Scientists say … women with overactive bladders are less likely to enjoy sex, according to a study by researchers at the University of Pittsburgh. (Well of course, they’re always running to the john!)
• Scientists say … you’re more likely to dream about someone if you try to avoid thinking about them before going to sleep. A Harvard researcher tells “Psychology Today” that’s because the brain uses sleep time to spill out thoughts we’re trying to suppress. (Does this mean I SHOULD mentally picture the boss without pants before nodding off?)

• A 24-year-old Polish man has been bitten to death by – a sexually-aroused horse. It seems the stallion began straining and bucking after getting the hots for a nearby mare. When its owner tried to calm the big guy, it attacked him!
• An interior designer from Hinckley in Britain’s East Midlands who’s also a sci-fi fan has listed his tiny apartment for $1 million. Why so much? The 500-sq-ft pad has had a makeover mimicking the ‘Starship Enterprise’, complete with voice-activated lighting, back-lit paneling and a hi-tech control console. (Apparently the guy finally found a girlfriend.)
• The town of Oulu, Finland, home to the annual “World Air Guitar Championships”, now has another musical oddity to brag about – ‘The Shouting Men’s Choir’, 30 guys in black suits who move in unison and shout in harmony. (Seems rap music has finally reached Finland.)
• 28-year-old Jai Shankar is campaigning in India’s national elections with – a live rat in his mouth. He says the stunt is to highlight the plight of starving farmers who must eat rats to survive. (Meantime, the rats are protesting with live politicians in their mouths.)
• German theater director Christoph Schlingensief is attempting to ‘liberate opera from elitism and take it to the streets’ by staging performances of Richard Wagner’s works accompanied by – street drag races. (It’s “The Fat & The Furious”.)

TOMORROW-Saturday, North America’s largest invention trade show INPEX (Invention & New Product Exposition) is holding it’s 20th annual show in Pittsburgh. Among the new products and innovations on display …
• ‘Towel Down’ – A multi-functional beach blanket that quickly and easily converts into a backpack, tote or sleeping bag.
• ‘Right-Height Picture Hanger’ – A wall mountable hook that adjusts 3-4 inches, enabling users to quickly and easily hang pictures, mirrors or shelves at the right height.
• ‘Jon-E-Vac’ – A toilet seat with built-in air filter/fan.
• ‘Hector’s Helper’ – A sanitary plastic glove used for picking up pet poop.
PHONER: 800-424-2089
NET: http://www.inventionshow.com

Australian engineer James Trusler has been declared ‘world’s fastest texter’ for taking just 7 seconds to send the difficult text message – “The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they never attack a human.”

Here’s a sure sign of Springtime in Alaska – cemeteries begin burying people who died during the previous 7 months when the ground was too hard to excavate.


1933 [71] Louis Farrakhan (Walcott), Roxbury MA, Nation of Islam leader famous for his fiery and controversial rhetoric on race relations/organizer of ‘Million Man March’ (1996)

1943 [61] Nancy Greene, Ottawa ON, Canadian Sports Hall of Fame skier (1968 Olympic gold & silver, 1967 & 1968 overall World Cup titles)/now owns & operates Cahilty Lodge/Sun Peaks Resort near Kamloops BC

1961 [43] Natasha Richardson, London UK, movie actress (“Maid in Manhattan”, “The Parent Trap”)/Mrs Liam Neeson since 1994

TODAY is “Eat What You Want Day”, a day to ignore all the warnings, avoid worrying and counting calories, and thereby fight our obsession with being thin.

TOMORROW is “Limerick Day”, celebrated on the birthday of Edward Lear (1812), the author of the ‘bible of limericks’, “The Book of Nonsense”. Follow this link for some ‘Loony Limericks’, some naughty, some nice, some not quite –
NET: http://home.earthlink.net/~kristenaa/

1969 [35] “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” comedy troupe forms in Britain

2181BC [4185] 1st ‘chair’ is purportedly invented (before that, no one ever ‘took a load off’)

1984 [20] ‘Canadian Security Intelligence Service’ (CSIS) is created

1999 [05] Only time in modern baseball that both starting pitchers in a Major League game share the same name, as Bobby (M) Jones of Colorado Rockies beats Bobby (J) Jones of NY Mets

[Wed] National Kite Day
[Wed] 3rd Shift Workers Day
[Wed] International Nurse’s Day (Florence Nightingale’s birthday)
[Wed] Cannes Film Festival opens (through 23rd)
[Thurs] “Frasier” series finalé (“Goodnight, Seattle”)
[Sat] 2004 Preakness Stakes
This Week Is . . . Stuttering Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Arthritis Month


• Asks you if traffic was bad on your way home from the beer store.
• Lets you finish the half-a-hot-dog he found discarded in the back seat.
• Playfully punches you on the arm to say ‘I love you’.
• Takes you out to a really nice restaurant and even carries your tray.
• Fixes irritating problem of toilet seat being left up by removing it altogether.
• Always stays in same spot on the sofa so you don’t have to look for him.
• Puts extra effort into dressing up by taking time for an extra test whiff.
• A dozen roses, a box of chocolates, and a nice firm slap on the butt.

Some of the following are actual articles from women’s magazines, some total BS fakes. While you run down the list, have a listener or studio guest try to sort out which are which …
• “His Hidden Hot Spots”
• “Feel Happier and in Control on Your Most Crazed Days”
• “For a Sensual New Look, Try Using Lipstick on Other Body Parts” [BS]
• “Vamp Up Your Sex Life with Turn-Him-On Tricks!”
• “Stress-Proof Your Diet”
• “14 Exciting Positions For Smaller Guys” [BS]
• “9 Sexy Moves That Make Husbands Really Happy”
• “Feel in the Mood for Sex Even When You’re Stressed”
• “Unleash Your Invincible Woman!”
• “Teach Your ‘Joe’ to Be Better Than Average!” [BS]
– “Cosmopolitan”, “Chatelaine”, “Redbook”, “Woman’s Day”, “Ladies’ Home Journal”.

• “Extreme Makeover: Mobile Home Edition”
• “Touched by an Iron Chef”
• “Happy Couples Caught on Tape”
• “The Ugly Duckling”
• “The Bank of Montreal ATM Security Camera Show”
• “Goats Gone Wild!”
• “Survivor: Saskatoon”
• “Congressional Pie Fights Live on CSPAN”
• “The 7-11 Security Camera Show”
• “Who Wants to Get a Vasectomy?”
• “Geriatric Jackass”
• “The Lowest Common Denominator”
• “Question Period Live on CPAC”

Q: 55 years ago TODAY (1949), the country of Siam changed its name. What do we now call it?
A: Thailand.

• How long do you give the relationship between Boston Rob & Amber from “Survivor: All-Stars”?
• Who deserves to win the 2nd $1-million-prize being handed out on “Survivor: All-Stars” THURSDAY?

The week’s most requested music files online …
1. Maroon 5 – “This Love”
2. OutKast – “Roses”
3. Eamon – “F**k It”
4. Usher – “Burn”
5. Hoobastank – “The Reason”
– “Big Champagne” online media measurement.

Today’s Question: If a guy does THIS, it’s a good thing. In fact, it’s the #1 clue that he’s committed to you.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Talks about his ex-.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.


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