Wednesday, May 28, 2003        Edition: #2551
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
From the beating the deceased equis department: here comes another new talent search series – “Fame”, hosted by *N Sync’s Joey Fatone, debuting TONIGHT on NBC-TV . . . While touring with hubby Paul McCartney in Russia, Heather Mills-McCartney says she may have persuaded Vladimir Putin to reconsider his country’s policy on mines (or maybe it was mimes … something like that) . . . Heir to the British throne Prince William has requested that all those attending his 21st birthday bash NEXT MONTH dress as characters from the movie “Out of Africa” and even his gran’, Queen Elizabeth II, will comply – wearing an African fancy dress costume (she may skip the bone through the nose though) . . . Paula Abdul may have kissed Simon Cowell on “American Idol” but “People” mag says her real new boyfriend is one Colton Melby, part-owner of gun manufacturer Smith & Wesson (hey, what’s that in his pocket?) . . .  Nicole Kidman has been getting tips from pros for when she makes her debut as a movie director NEXT MONTH, filming the birth of her sister Antonia’s 3rd baby in Sidney – on a handycam . . . Ex-Prince-girlfriend Charlene Friend has filed an abuse lawsuit against the has-been pop star claiming he made her his love slave and forced her to call him ‘Messiah’ (or was that ‘Massah’?) . . . Armed with a reported $30-million salary plus 15% of the box office for the 2 sequels to “The Matrix”, Keanu Reeves has just snapped up a new $5-million gated estate in the Hollywood Hills . . . THIS SUMMER Bravo Network is launching the 1st-ever gay-themed reality TV dating series called “Boy Meets Boy” (CMT has ‘Man Meets Sheep’) . . . And the latest buzz on the Jen & Ben wedding – J-Lo has now reportedly set her sights on London’s St Paul’s Cathedral, the same joint used for Princess Di’s 1981 wedding to Prince Charles (it too has a giant ‘dome’).

WORST ALL-TIME MOVIE SEQUELS:
1. “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace”
2. “Batman & Robin”
3. “Speed 2: Cruise Control”
Source: New E! Entertainment Television ranking.

BS BUZZWORDS:
New words & terms in current jargon –
• ‘Nagflation’ – The incessant doom-and-gloom predictions from economic analysts who feel
compelled to issue updates even if nothing has changed.
• ‘Covertisements’ – A new form of advertising developed by St Louis ad man Allen Mark, who pays ‘ad spies’ up to $1,000 a week to spread messages about products via word-of-mouth. About 20 people have been hired to speak to strangers in designated areas about specific sponsors. (Actually, this is the OLDEST form of advertising.)
• ‘Age Targeted’ – Real estate developers realize that today’s aging Baby Boomers would be embarrassed to live in something called a ‘retirement community’ so the new mature-oriented developments are being labelled ‘Age Targeted’, ‘Age Restricted’ or ‘For Active Adults 55 & Over’. (Yeah, I’ve been noticing you hardly ever see a sign saying ‘Welcome to Wrinkle City’ anymore.)
• ‘Lot Lizards‘ – Hard to believe there’s such a thing as a carnie groupy but according to Brett Witter’s book “Carnival Undercover” there are oodles of ‘lot lizards’ looking for anonymous sex with carnival workers because they’re strangers who’ll soon be leaving town. (Yeah right, in my book I’ll be mentioning ‘microphone missies’.)

IS INCEST BEST?
Here’s a conundrum you may not have considered – thanks to modern methods of artificial insemination that involve anonymous sperm donors, it’s increasingly occurring that people are falling passionately in love only to discover they’re in a relationship with a long-lost sibling or half-sibling. A recent study finds that fully 50% of reunions between siblings, or parents and offspring, separated at birth, result in ‘obsessive emotions’. (Would you find an identical twin sister attractive … with that beard and back-hair?)

I SAID I’LL HAVE THE PRIME RIB!!
As well as food and wine, restaurant critics at the “San Francisco Chronicle” are now giving eateries ‘noise ratings’. Using audiometers that measure decibels, the city’s top 100 dining establishments have been ranked from 1 bell for the quietest to 4 bells for the noisiest. About 75% are rated ‘four bells’ – environments in which you must raise your voice to talk and be heard.

5% ACTUALLY HAD THEIR HANDS ON THE STEERING WHEEL:
In a new driving survey, fully 91% of drivers of all ages admit they have indulged in at least 1 risky activity while driving in the past 6 months. Among them –
• 71% admit to speeding.
• 59% have eaten while driving.
• 37% have used a cell phone.
• 28% failed to wear a seatbelt.
• 26% failed to signal a turn.
• 14% admit to reading while driving.
Source: Just-released Partners for Highway Safety poll.

HOLLYWOOD COMES NORTH:
CanWest Global has become the largest foreign buyer of American TV network fare, according to the “Hollywood Reporter”. Here’s just some of the new shows Canada’s 3rd network picked up at LAST WEEK’s ‘Los Angeles Screenings’ – “Two & a Half Men” starring Charlie Sheen, the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced “Skin”, NBC’s new drama “Las Vegas”, the “JAG” spinoff “Navy CIS”, and David E Kelly’s new drama “The Brotherhood of Poland NH”. (And you wonder why you see the same show on 3 or 4 channels?)

BEWARE OF PHONE COODIES:
University of Arizona microbiology professor Dr Charles Gerba claims the average desk is home to 400 TIMES more bacteria than the average toilet seat. Your telephone tops the list as the #1 home for office germs. In fact, toilet seats registered the lowest bacteria level of 12 surfaces tested in Gerba’s study. (Don’t care what you say Chuck, I’ll consider eating lunch off my desk but there ain’t no way for the ol’ porcelain receptacle!)

YOU REALLY ARE GETTING BETTER:
A new University of California at Berkeley study of more than 130,000 adults in the current issue of the “Journal of Personality & Social Psychology” shows that some things really do improve with age. For instance, women tend to be less neurotic as they get older. And both men and women tend to improve on positive traits such as ‘conscientiousness’, ‘adaptability’ and ‘agreeableness’. (And for some reason, people over 65 also seem better at playing shuffleboard.)

BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• A 21-year-old Peruvian student who planned to auction off her virginity on a Santiago radio station has changed her mind. The woman, known only as ‘Sandy’, tells Radio W jock El Rumpy a female benefactor has offered her almost $3,000 not to do it. She had previously promised to provide a doctor’s certificate to prove she was a virgin before starting the auction with a reserve bid of $575. (Wait a sec, there’s a guy on radio calling himself ‘El Rumpy’?)
• Turkish men have a tendency to exaggerate the size of their sex organs, according to a new survey by a condom maker planning to market its products there. Despite a national norm of 17 cm (6.8 inches) as calculated by the National Standards Institute, most Turkish men polled claim they’d require an XXL-size condom, measuring 22 cm (8.8 inches). Stats show scarcely 10% of men would stand so tall. (Wow, guys lying about size. How unusual!)
• ‘Billboard Dating’ has taken off in the UK as a way of meeting that someone special. The first big board featuring pictures of 16 hopefuls went up in Birmingham THIS WEEK with a phone number to call for more info. Blind dating by outdoor ain’t cheap – over $200 per desperate dater! (But it seems more reasonable if you crunch numbers and calculate cost-per-stalker.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
LAST NIGHT Scott Niedermayer (NJ Devils) and Rob Niedermayer (Mighty Ducks of Anaheim) became the first brothers to play against each other in the NHL’s Stanley Cup final in over 50 years. The last brothers to play each other for the Cup were Boston Bruin Terry Reardon vs Kenny Reardon of the victorious Montréal Canadiens in 1946. (BTW, ‘Maggie’ the prognosticating monkey from the Bowmanville ON Zoo has picked the Mighty Ducks to win on “The Mike Bullard Show”.)

THE BULL SHEET 05.28.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [69] Dionne Quintuplets (Annette, Cécile, Émilie (D-1954), Marie (D-1970), and Yvonne
(D-2001), Corbeil ON, famous siblings exploited as a tourist attraction in the 1930s

1944 [59] Gladys Knight, Atlanta GA, oldies singer (“Midnight Train to Georgia”)

1944 [59] Rudolph Giuliani, Brooklyn NY, former NYC Mayor (1994-2001) whose performance during and after the 9/11 earned him recognition as “Time” magazine’s ‘Person of the Year 2001′

1945 [58] John Fogerty, Berkeley CA, oldies singer (“Centerfield”, CCR-“Who’ll Stop the Rain”)

1964 [39] Christa Miller, NYC, TV actress (Jordan Sullivan-“Scrubs” since 2001, Kate O’Brien-“The Drew Carey Show” 1995-2002)

1968 [35] Kylie Minogue, Melbourne AUS, pop singer (“In Your Eyes”, “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”)/occasional actress (“Moulin Rouge”)

1979 [24] Jesse Bradford, Norwalk CT, movie actor (“Swimfan”, “Clockstoppers”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the 2nd annual “Great International Grump Out” instituted by the group SmileMania
to highlight the connection between negative attitudes & health problems.

TODAY is “Senior Health & Fitness Day”, a highlight of “Senior Citizens Month” promoting an active lifestyle for mature adults. A 12-year study of more than 7,500 women 65 & older by the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention found that when women who had been sedentary became more active, they had a 48% lower risk of death from ANY cause than those who remained inactive.
NET: http://www.fitnessday.com

TODAY & tomorrow are the finals of the 76th annual “National Spelling Bee” in Washington DC. Believe it or not, it’s one of the highest rated programs annually on – ESPN!
PHONER: 202-582-1234 (ask to be connected to National Spelling Bee press desk)
NET: http://www.spellingbee.com

THIS MONTH is “National Allergy Month”. More than 6 million Canadians are allergy sufferers.
More than half say they begin getting symptoms in mid-May and over 20% describe their symptoms as ‘very severe’.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1897 [106] ‘Jell-O’ 1st introduced (5 actual Jell-O flavors that flopped – celery, coffee, cola, apple, chocolate)

1926 [77] 1st ‘Canada Pension Plan’ approved (you know, the thing that’s gonna run out before we get any)

1995 [08] Jacques Villeneuve becomes 1st Canadian to win “Indianapolis 500″

1742 [261] 1st ‘indoor swimming pool’ opens in London (the next day the 1st butt is flicked with a wet towel)

1939 [64] 1st ‘Batman’ comic books

1977 [26] AJ Foyt becomes 1st driver to win 4 “Indianapolis 500″ races

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1974 [29] ‘Upside-down flight’ record is set at 2 hours, 15 minutes (hope this wasn’t a commercial flight!)

1987 [16] Paul Pearman jumps over 21 barrels on a skateboard (Augusta GA)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Bob Hope’s 100th birthday
[Fri] Solar Eclipse
[Sat] National Macaroon Day
[Sat] Save Your Hearing Day
[Sat] 2003 MTV Movie Awards (airing June 5)
[June 5-8] 32nd Nashville Fan Fair
This Month Is . . . National Water Month / Stroke Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – Meditating on abundance and a peaceful existence for the entire human race can be very powerful right now. Or you may wish to take the family on at Scrabble instead.
• Taurus – Today you will discover that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will
entertain you for hours.
• Gemini – Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes.
• Cancer – A lot of people still do ‘spring cleaning’. Thank goodness yours is one of the few families that have preserved the old tradition of ‘fall dirtying’.
• Leo – Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of retro ‘70s nostalgia that’s currently in vogue. Why not try making shag carpeting?
• Virgo – Today on your way downtown you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately, it will bounce harmlessly off.
• Libra – Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingers to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you’re keyboarding!
• Scorpio – Today you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number. You are also protoplasm!
• Sagittarius – You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Be like everyone else and blame everything on the darned liberal media.
• Capricorn – Today you will discover proof that sport utility vehicles are tangible evidence of evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.
• Aquarius –  Today is a good day to find out what’s making that nasty smell in the fridge … before it gets worse.
• Pisces – Excellent day to study gastroenterology … or possibly to go bowling.

BS SIGN LANGUAGE:
• Why do they put those ‘Wrong Way’ signs on highways? How the heck do they know where you’re going?
• If on your way to the airport you see a sign that reads ‘Airport Left’ should you turn around and go back home?
• What about those signs that read ‘Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft’? What do they do? Drop a bomb on you if you go over the limit?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: You might think there would be more, but only about 1% of men actually have one … even though they all secretly want it.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: A ‘six pack’. (Most are carrying around the whole keg.)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Today is the last day of your life so far.

BS BONUS!
Tell a colleague about “The Bull Sheet”. We’ll add ONE FREE MONTH to your subscription for each new subscriber you recommend.

 


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