Friday, May 23, 2003             Edition: #2548
Accept No Substitutes, Ask For 100% Pure BS!

TODAY “SeaCrits of Bikini Bottom” opens at The Mall of America in Bloomington MN, the real-life home of ‘SpongeBob SquarePants’ & his pals ‘Patrick Star’, ‘Mr Crabs’, ‘Mrs Puff’, and ‘Larry the Lobster’, but NOT ‘Sandy Squirrel’ because he needs a spacesuit to breathe underwater (how did something so lame become so popular?) . . . TONIGHT at Cannes, the Society Of French Film Directors will award Clint Eastwood the ‘Carrosse D’Or’ (Golden Coach), in recognition of his talent, originality & independence throughout his career . . . Madame Tussaud’s in London is about to immortalize “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell with his own wax statue (it’ll actually be warmer than the original) . . . It’s been almost 2 years since Savage Garden split after 2 successful albums that sold 20 million copies worldwide, but now founder Daniel Jones says it’s only a matter of time before he & frontman Darren Hayes reunite (translation: they haven’t made a penny since) . . . Country singer Wynonna Judd will wed longtime bodyguard DR Roach this Thanksgiving weekend in Nashville . . . Rumor has it Jennifer Lopez convinced Ben Affleck to dump his longtime publicist because he didn’t agree with the things Jen was asking Ben to do – such as appearing in the “Jenny From The Block” video . . . “American Idol” host & LA radio jock Ryan Seacrest is stoked about his upcoming syndicated TV show, saying it will be a hybrid form of entertainment that will marry a news magazine with a variety show (if he’s starting to sound like an executive producer, it’s because on this show – he will be!).

The comedy “Bruce Almighty”, starring Jim Carrey & Jennifer Aniston, about a Buffalo NY TV reporter who’s given almighty powers for 24 hours to teach him how difficult it is to run the world . . . Michael Douglas & Albert Brooks star in the comedy “The In-Laws”, about a mild-mannered podiatrist who discovers that his new in-laws have some big secrets as the 2 fathers-in-law embark on a South American adventure just before the big wedding.

Here’s an idea whose time has come! TODAY the founder of Europe’s largest budget airline easyJet is opening the 1st ‘no-frills movie theater’ called easyCinema. The 2,000-seat, 10-screen box-office-free cinema in Milton Keynes, England will sell tickets for as little as 20 pence, about 35 cents US. Costs will be kept down by enticing audiences to come during off-peak times, an Internet-booking-only policy, no snacks and few staffers. As with discount airline tickets, the earlier you book the cheaper your ticket. Customers print their own bar-coded tickets from the Web, then scan them to enter the theater. Unlike regular theaters, you’re ENCOURAGED to bring your own food and drinks!

Website has already logged 47 mistakes in “The Matrix Reloaded”, with more being reported every day. Just one example: During a car chase, the twins shoot out the windows in the vehicle ‘Trinity’ & ‘Morpheus’ are in, but every time the film cuts to a shot of them inside the car, the windows are still intact. Moviemistakes founder Jon Sandys says the reason so many goofs are being spotted is because this film has so many eyeballs scouring the screen. It still has a long way to go to beat the total errors in the original “Matrix” movie – 149 – and likely has no chance of beating the all-time blunder wonder, “Titanic”, with a whopping 165!

A month after his death, new research in THIS WEEK’s “New England Journal of Medicine” suggests that Dr Atkins’ much-ridiculed diet really does help people lose weight quicker. One study shows that those on his high-protein, high-fat, low-carb diet lose twice as much weight over 6 months as those on standard low-fat diets. But here’s the hitch – another study finds that Atkins dieters usually regain most of the weight within a year.

A new ATM has been developed that recognizes bank customers using iris identification, then greets them by name and says, “My name is Stella. Would you like cash or a statement?” Stella learns and remembers each user’s behavior and asks regulars if they want ‘the usual’, such as a $40 withdrawal. The machine can also be programmed to wish customers happy birthday or remind them of outstanding bills. (How embarrassing when you ask for a hundred bucks and the machine snorts and says, “Yeah right …”)

TOMORROW ‘Erotic University’ opens in Los Angeles CA, a new adults-only institute of sex education. The first course offered is ‘Pole Dancing’, and upcoming topics will include ‘Bondage Basics’, ‘Swinging 101′, and ‘Introduction to Tantric Sex’. Each course costs around $30. There’ll be demonstrations by models but no actual sex during classes. (That’s part of the assigned homework!)

A new report in “New Scientist” magazine shows that brain scans of Buddhists reveal they are happier than average people and less likely to be as shocked, flustered, surprised or angry as others. (They’re just slightly less sedate than Rastafarians, who ranked as ‘really happy’.)

• A 29-year-old Cleveland OH wife became so irritated with her husband’s online chatting, she attacked his computer with a meat cleaver. (Adds whole new meaning to ‘computer hacking’.)
• A 21-year-old ambulance worker in Munich, Germany has been arrested for – robbing patients as they lay helplessly strapped-in on the way to hospital. (He’s been sentenced to 57 shocks from a defibrillator paddle.)
• A high school javelin thrower in Kagoshima, Japan accidentally speared a soccer player who was retrieving the ball from an adjacent field. (Ouch! He was issued a yellow card.)
• Construction began THIS WEEK in Queensland, Australia on the world’s first power station to be fueled by – macadamia-nut shells. (Well there’s economical energy – all you gotta do is buy macadamia nuts at about 20 bucks a pound!)
• The Norwegian Federation for Animal Protection is opposing Norway’s “Fishing Pole Project 2003″ in which 40,000 fishing rods will be donated to elementary schools. The group cites recent research showing that fish feel pain and is also concerned about worms being impaled on hooks. (The problem with removing fish from the Norwegian diet is all you’re left with is – ice water.)

• According to research for “Your Prom” magazine, about 20 million North American students will attend proms THIS YEAR, with the average 17-year-old spending $638, or more than $1,200 per couple!
• has already received more than 875,000 orders worldwide for “Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix “ and it’s not even coming out until JUNE 21st!


1933 [70] Joan Collins, London ENG, movie actress (“The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas)/former TV actress (“Dynasty”, “The Guiding Light”) who appeared in “Playboy” at age 50, and wed a man 32 years younger at age 69/sister of trash novelist Jackie Collins

1958 [45] Drew Carey, Cleveland OH, TV actor/producer (“The Drew Carey Show”, “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”) who suffered from years of depression before hitting it big

1974 [29] Jewel (Kilcher), Payson UT, folk/pop singer (“Standing Still”, “Down So Long”, “Who Will Save Your Soul”)

1941 [62] Bob Dylan (Zimmerman), Duluth MN, folk/rock/pop singer/songwriter (“Like a Rolling Stone”)/1991 ‘Lifetime Achievement’ Grammy Award/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1988) FACTOID: Martin Scorsese will direct a new biography about him that will feature Dylan’s first broadcast interview in 20 years.  QUOTE: “Money doesn’t talk, it swears.”

1945 [58] Priscilla Presley, Brooklyn NY, ex-Mrs Elvis Presley (1967-73)/Elvis Presley Enterprises chairman/sometime TV/movie actress (“Dallas”, “Naked Gun” series)

1960 [43] Kristin Scott Thomas, Redruth ENG, movie actress (“Gosford Park”, “The English Patient”, “Mission: Impossible”)

1965 [38] John C Reilly, Chicago IL, movie actor who seems to have a knack for picking winners (“Chicago”, “The Hours”, “Gangs of New York”)

1967 [36] Eric Close, Staten Island NY, TV actor (Martin Fitzgerald -“Without a Trace”)

1967 [36] Heavy D (Dwight Myers), Mount Vernon NY, 260-lb hip hop artist (“Heavy”)/TV actor (Bob Lick-“Boston Public”)/movie actor (“The Cider House Rules”)

1988 [15] Billy Gilman, Westerly RI, country singer (“Oklahoma”, “One Voice”)/youngest-ever Grammy Award nominee at age 12 in 2001/’Best New Country Artist’-2001 American Music Awards

1963 [40] Mike Myers, Scarborough ON, movie actor (“Shrek”, “Austin Powers” series, “Wayne’s World”)  NEXT MOVIES: Dr Seuss’ “The Cat in the Hat” (NOVEMBER 21) and “Shrek 2″ (2004).

TODAY is the 2nd annual “Wear Your Thong to Work Day 2003″, as declared by trashy tabloid “Weekly World News” which claims an estimated 75,000 ‘thongers’ in 342 workplaces participated last time. That’s a tad doubtful because they’re talking wearing a thong – with nothing covering it. The tab claims the number of participants will be much larger this time because ‘ugly gals, men and even bosses’ are invited to participate.

TODAY is the ancient and annual “Red Hot Penny Toss” in Rye, England. (Owww!)

TODAY is “Morning Radio Wise Guy Day”, honoring you dedicated fools who get up before 5am to start the day with humor, music & information.

TOMORROW is “National Escargot Day”, celebrating the only gourmet food you can harvest off your patio. (An idea that’s taken off at a snail’s pace.)

SUNDAY is “Flirting Day” (aka ‘Get Slapped With a Harassment Suit Day’).

SUNDAY is “National Missing Children’s Day”, promoting awareness of the problem & safety tips for kids and parents.

SUNDAY is the 87th “Indianapolis 500″, known as ‘The Greatest Spectacle in Racing’. Hollywood celebs Tim Allen, Dennis Miller & Steven Spielberg will attend, along with “The Bachelor” star Andrew Firestone & his new fiancee Jen, boxing legend Muhammad Ali, and former presidents Bill Clinton & George Bush. Pre- and post-race entertainment includes Wynonna, Darryl Worley & Brian McKnight.

The last MONDAY in May is “Memorial Day” in America, a day of remembrance for those who have died in the nation’s service. It was originally called “Decoration Day” 131 years ago TODAY (1868) when General John Logan declared a day to decorate Civil War soldiers’ graves with flowers at Gettysburg PA. (Nowadays its more often observed as ‘Beach Day’ or BBQ Day’.)

1785 [218] 1st ‘bifocals’, invented by Benjamin Franklin (shouldn’t there be upside-down bifocals for computer use?)

1883 [120] 1st (and likely last) baseball game between one-armed and one-legged players (the former had a leg-up on the competition)

1988 [15] 1st couple married underwater, using diver’s hand signals (was the guy saying ‘yes’ when he gave the panicked thumbs-up sign, or was his air just running out?)

1982 [21] Colin Wilson rides a surfboard 294 miles!

[Sat] International Jazz Day
[Sat] Brothers Day
[Sun] National Tap Dance Day
[Mon] Memorial Day/National Hamburger Day (it’s estimated 60 million lbs of beef will be cooked across the USA)
This Week Is . . . Frozen Yogurt Week (what’s the best flavor … beef ripple?)
This Month Is . . . Personal History Awareness Month (aka ‘Closet Skeletons Month’)

10. Health Problems
9. Technical Jargon
8. Ex-Girlfriends
7. Sports
6. Bad Travel Stories
5. Daily Stuff
4. People She Doesn’t Know
3. Cars
2. Your Extreme Love of Your Pet
1. Sex
(We also recommend staying away from: pierced body parts that can’t be seen, what life is like in the slammer, your recent sex change, and anything to do with painful discharges.)
Source: “Ask Men”

One statement is total BS, but which?
One is not an actual tabloid headline …
• “Bin Laden Is a Bed Wetter!”
• “Pam Anderson to Get Brain Implant!” [BS]
• “Dog Accused of Witchcraft!”

One of these is no saint …
• The patron saint of civil servants is St Nigel. [BS. St Thomas More.]
• The patron saint of accountants is St Matthew.
• The patron saint of butchers is St Luke.

One of these never happened …
• The role of bumbling ‘Inspector Clouseau’ played by Peter Sellers in “The Pink Panther” was originally written for actor Peter Ustinov.
• The role of ‘Indiana Jones’ in “Raiders of the Lost Ark”  was originally conceived as a female hero, but actress Daryl Hannah injured herself and was replaced by Harrison Ford. [BS]
• Actor Eric Stoltz was originally cast as the male lead in the film “Back to the Future”, but it was decided he was too intense for comedy so 2nd-choice Michael J Fox got the role.

“Which will be a bigger hit – “Flying Without Wings” by “American Idol” winner Ruben Studdard (a #1 hit in the UK by boy-band Westlife in ‘99) or “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by runner-up Clay Aitken (1970’s record of the year by Simon & Garfunkel)?”

Today’s Question: They aren’t in your garden but these also grow faster in the spring and summer than in the winter or fall.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Your kids.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


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