Tuesday, May 20, 2003                        Edition #2544
Renew Your Subscription or You’ll Be Sheet Outta Luck!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT is the final episode of TV’s “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” after a 7-year run and TODAY Simon & Schuster releases its final “Buffy” book in the 95-title tie-in series that’s sold more than 4.6 million copies since 1997 . . . The Rolling Stones have agreed in principle to interrupt their European tour to play a free-admission concert in Toronto to help promote the city as being safely through with SARS – provided they’re paid circa $10 million . . . Nicole Kidman tells a press conference at Cannes she plans to give up acting when she falls in love again . . . John Travolta says he keeps a careful eye on his spending – he may drive a Rolls but it’s not a new one, and sure he has his own jets but not the most expensive models . . . Marcus Chong, who played ‘Tank’ in the original “Matrix”, is suing Warner Bros claiming he was promised a role in the sequels but was dropped without explanation . . .  Mariah Carey has ‘downsized’ her upcoming North American tour (starting JULY 18 in Anchorage AK) from arena venues to smaller, more intimate locations so she can ‘be closer to her fans’ (translation: tickets weren’t selling) . . . George Clooney used the old ‘it’s for a friend’ excuse when he was spotted buying what might be thought an embarrassing product – hair dye . . . Joan Rivers is being sued for $16 million by a female car rental clerk who claims she was hit in the eye with a pen causing an ‘eye contusion’ . . . And “Matrix Reloaded” has now grossed over $170 million worldwide in just 6 days.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Denzel Washington directs and stars in the drama “Antwone Fisher” as a psychiatrist who helps a navy seaman come to terms with his disturbing past . . . For collectors, there’s a new special DVD edition of Kevin Costner’s “Dances with Wolves” and several TV collections including “Dark Angel’s” 1st season and “Sex & the City’s” 4th season . . . Disney has announced it will start renting DVDs that self-destruct after 2 days, making them impossible to watch or copy beyond the expiry date.

MEN ARE SENSITIVE, TOO:
A new survey reveals that men are as likely as women to ask, “Does my butt look big in this?”.  A poll of 300 men for Slim-Fast says guys worry about their bodies just as much as women do, and are wracked with ‘body insecurity’. In other findings, men are more likely to worry about getting a beer belly than about losing their jobs.

A TAX ON SEX:
With the German economy on the brink of recession, local governments are looking for any way to balance budgets. Many cities have slapped a ‘pleasure tax’ on casinos and public events, and a few have begun taxing – brothels. Yep, tax officials are reviewing all sex venues and prostitutes working from home to see if they must pay the tax. Only problem is – only about a tenth of brothels have paid up since the tax was initiated. (On the up side, applications for a position as tax collector are up $4000%!)

THE SPORTS CAR DIET:
Overweight Austrians have been given the ultimate incentive to lose weight – a Ferrari. Vienna sports car dealer Herbert Kasper set up the contest for people who are too fat to fit behind the wheel. The person who loses the highest percentage of their starting weight in 12 months will win the yellow Ferrari Mondial 3.2 Coupe. If none of the contestants can fit behind the wheel and actually drive, it will be auctioned off for charity.

HOW TO LOOK 10 LBS THINNER IN PHOTOS:
• Position your body at a 45-degree angle from the camera and put one foot forward. Then turn your head and shoulders slightly to face the camera.
• Stand up straight and throw your shoulders back and down.
• Hold arms down at your sides to hide hips, or bend them at a 90-degree angle to detract from a thick waist.
• Conceal a double chin by tilting your head slightly downward.
• Wear bright colors or black. Avoid white which will wash you out, and stay away from bold patterns which will only make you look heavier.
• Don’t over-accessorize.
• Wear heels to lengthen your silhouette.
• Make sure the length of your dress is flattering.
• And for heaven’s sake – smile!
Source: “Woman’s Day”

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• One of the latest fads in fitness clubs is called ‘Aeroba-gogo’, which combines retro dances from the ‘60s like the Swim and the Pony with traditional aerobics. If that doesn’t make you look goofy enough, you could try ‘Cycle Karaoke’, where you sing lyrics from a screen while you pedal a stationary bike.
• Australian animal shelters are trying to give more pets homes by – dressing the animals up in clothing.
• It already offers the most expensive burger in NYC and now the Old Homestead Steakhouse location in Atlantic City NJ is serving a ‘Kobe Beef Hot Dog’ priced at – $19.
• Check out the severe ‘punishment’ being planned on the UK’s Isle of Wight – disruptive and badly-behaved students on school buses will soon be punished by being forced to travel on a bright pink bus. The idea is to shame them into behaving.
• There’s a new product on the market called ‘Shower Shock’, a soap that contains caffeine you absorb through your skin during your morning shower. (What’s next – ‘Deodorant Coffee’?)

FOR THE RECORD:
It’s yet to be verified by the “Guinness Book of Records” but Tim Sikes of Murfreesboro, Tennessee claims to have broken the world record for the most push-ups in an hour – an exhausting 3,669, which would break the previous record of 3,416 set by Canadian Roy Berger back in 1998. Sikes claims he trained 3 hours a day, 6 days a week.

AMAZING PHYSICS FACTS:
• An egg will float if placed in water to which sugar has been added. (Studio experiment!)
• Nothing can be burned again that has already been burned once. (Unless its me lending money to [co-host].)

THE BULL SHEET 05.20.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [59] Joe (John Robert) Cocker, Sheffield ENG, classic rock singer (“You are So Beautiful”, “With a Little Help From My Friends”)

1946 [57 ... her boobs are 15, her nose is 6] Cher (Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPierre), El Centro CA, pop singer (“Believe”, Sonny & Cher-“I Got You Babe”) who says she’s retired after her recent tour/movie actress (Oscar-“Moonstruck”)

1949 [54] Dave Thomas, St Catharines ON, movie actor (“Rat Race” “Strange Brew”)/former TV actor (Bob & Doug MacKenzie-“SCTV”)  UP NEXT: Wrote, directed and stars in the hospital comedy “Whitecoats”, alongside Dan Aykroyd, Dave Foley & Matt Frewer.

1963 [40] David “Boomer” Wells, Torrance CA, MLB pitcher (NY Yankees) who got into hot water for his frank book “Perfect I’m Not … Beer, Brawls, Backaches & Baseball”/pitched 13th ‘perfect game’ in modern major league history May 17, 1998 vs Minnesota

1964 [39] Earl Charles Spencer, Norfolk ENG, Princess Diana’s younger brother who charges money to view her gravesite

1972 [31] Busta Rhymes (Trevor Smith Jr), Brooklyn NY, hip-hop artist (w/Mariah Carey-“I Know What You Want”, w/Eminem & 50 Cent-“Hail Mary”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Senior Citizens Day”, always the 3rd Tuesday of “Seniors Month”. It’s a good day to review the BS –
POPULAR PARTY GAMES AT THE SENIORS’ HOME:
• ‘Musical Recliners’
• ‘Spin the Bottle of Mylanta’
• ‘Hide and Go Pee’
• ‘Simon Says Something Incoherent’
• ‘20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear’
• ‘Sag, You’re It!’
• ‘Kick the Bucket’

TODAY is “Weights & Measures Day”, in celebration of the 1875 treaty that established the International Bureau of Weights and Measures, thereby standardizing values. (That means you’re just as fat in New Guinea as you are at home.)

TODAY is “Eliza Doolittle Day”, a day named in honor of the lead character in the famous musical “My Fair Lady” to encourage the proper use of language. (Hey, that ain’t too bad an idea!)

TODAY & Wednesday the finals of the 15th annual “National Geography Bee” take place in Washington DC with “Jeopardy’s” Alex Trebek as moderator. $50,000 worth of scholarships & prizes are up for grabs. The national finals will air WEDNESDAY on the National Geographic Channel and Thursday on PBS.
PHONER: 202-828-6635 (National Geographic Society)
NET: http://www.mpt.org/programsinterests/geobee

TODAY one of the world’s strangest festivals is celebrated in Luxembourg. Each Whit Tuesday (after Whit Sunday) in the “Dancing Procession of Echternach”, more commonly known as the “Hopping Festival”, priests, townsfolk and pilgrims hop sideways through the town to the accompaniment of traditional music. They honour St Willibrord, who died there in 739. Originally the procession hopped 3 paces forward then 2 back, but it’s become so popular the crowd now hops forward only, alternating to the left and right. (“You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out …”)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1874 [129] Levi Strauss 1st markets ‘blue jeans with copper rivets’ (priced @ $13.50 – per dozen!)

1892 [111] 1st practical ‘clothes dryer’ invented by George Sampson (the next day the first sock mysteriously disappears)

1927 [76] 1st non-stop solo Atlantic crossing in an airplane begins as Charles Lindbergh takes off in ‘Spirit of St Louis’ from Long Island NY to fly to Paris (it wins him a $25,000 prize)

1932 [71] 1st woman to fly solo across Atlantic (Amelia Earhart)

1980 [23] 1st Québec referendum on separation (59.5% vote ‘non’)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] National Wait Staff Day
[Wed] 38th Academy of Country Music (ACM) Awards
[Thurs] Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day
[Fri] Wear Your Thong to Work Day 2003
[Sat] International Jazz Day
[Sun] National Tap Dance Day
[Mon] Stratford ON Shakespearean Festival opens
This Week Is . . . Safe Boating Week / School Support Staff Week
This Month Is . . . Good Carkeeping Month / Asparagus Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit expenses always rise to meet income?
• Whyzit when someone says ‘Got a minute?’, you might as well pencil them in for the next 2 hours?
• Whyzit insurance always seems to cover everything except what happens?
• Whyzit the amount of sleep needed by the average person is always 10 minutes more?
• Whyzit boring people are never hoarse?
• Whyzit we think the traffic light will change if we talk to it?
• If sleep regenerates us, whyzit we look so bad when we first get up in the morning?

BS HOT SEARCH GAME:
Plug a popular given name into an Internet search engine and find the top celeb names that come up. Then ask your contestant to name as many as they can. For instance, who are the top 5 famous Jennifers on the Web?
1. Jennifer Lopez
2. Jennifer Aniston
3. Jennifer Garner
4. Jennifer Love Hewitt
5. Jennifer Connelly
Source: Netscape Celebrity

BS FACT OR CRAP?
• Wild rhinos defecate in the same pile. (TRUE says the book “Beastly Behaviors.)
• The Beatles movie “A Hard Day’s Night” actually won 2 Academy Awards. (TRUE. That’s 2 more than anything Madonna or Mariah Carey has ever been in.)
• Men know more about housework than they let on. (TRUE. According to “The Cleaning Encyclopedia”, it is the rare guy who hasn’t learned to keep house during his lonely bachelor days.)
• The ballpoint pen was first patented in 1965. (BS. It was in 1938, according to “The Bathroom Reader”.)
• The Southern US delicacy ‘grits’ contains the same ingredients as wallpaper paste. (BS. Though your taste buds may tell you different, grits come from corn.)

PHONE STARTER:
“What do you do to look busy at work?” (“Wall Street Journal” reports all sorts of gizmos are being used to look busy on-the-job these days – enterprising slackers have used Palm Pilots to remote control their desktop PCs, and hacked into e-mail and instant messaging programs to make it look like they were working late into the night.)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a recent poll of office employees, what’s the most commonly used e-mail password in the workplace?
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: ‘Password’.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The trouble with trouble is it usually sounds like fun.

 


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