Monday, May 19, 2003        Edition: #2543
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TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• Here’s the week’s breaking news according to “Weekly World News” – “New Genetic Breakthrough: Trees That Give Meat Instead of Fruit!”, “Hot New Bar Where Singles Grope Each Other!”, “Dog Accused of Witchcraft!”, “Oldster Beaten With His Own Leg During Robbery!” and “You Can Sue Yourself & Get Filthy Rich!” But perhaps the most intriguing headline belongs to the UK’s “Sun” tabloid – “Boy, 7, Pregnant with His Own Siamese Twin!”.
• “E! Online” reports Texas businessman Harry Keane is seeking a temporary restraining order against “American Idol” that would require it to stop airing immediately. His suit claims he came up with the idea for a show called “American Idol” back in 1994 and the current show infringes on his copyright and trademark. (Hmm, wonder why he didn’t notice until the 2nd season finale was coming up?)
• “Self” magazine readers have sorted recording artists based on body parts. Not surprisingly, Jennifer Lopez was voted ‘Best Butt’. Ashanti nailed down ‘Best Body – New Artist’. And Christina Aguilera wins ‘Most Overexposed Body’. (And lately a LOT more body. See her in “US” magazine? She’s huge!)
• “Friends” star Jennifer Aniston is said to be furious at “Redbook” magazine for allegedly doctoring THIS MONTH’s cover photo of her. “Daily Dish” says she’s convinced the picture combines her face with other people’s body parts. Among the imported parts in question – the neck, right hand, and torso. “Redbook” denies major alterations, saying the only items that were changed were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, which was slightly increased. (This could make a fun activity on your station Website. Ask visitors to alter pics of your station personalities using Photoshop.)
• “Everywhere” reports that Halle Berry has broken her arm on the set of her new film “Gothika”. The actress reportedly screamed in agony when her arm snapped after she fell awkwardly during filming and was rushed to hospital. Film bosses are trying to figure out computer trickery so she can continue filming with a cast on her arm. (Perhaps they should talk to the people at “Redbook” magazine?)
• “Daily Mirror” reports the “Matrix Reloaded” party at the “Cannes Film Festival” was the most expensive party ever thrown for a film premiere – reportedly costing a whopping $3 million. Cast members arrived at the specially constructed futuristic venue by speedboat, while guests enjoyed an incredible special effects show that cost more that a million dollars. The party was so exclusive, even Hollywood stars had trouble getting an invite. Kevin Costner was only allowed in at the last minute, and poor Matthew McConaughey was turned down cold.
• “News of the World” reports that Keanu Reeves’ stunning “Matrix Reloaded” co-star Monica
Bellucci (‘Persephone’) has been offered a massive $5 million to pose nude for “Playboy” magazine. She’s no newcomer to nudity – she went topless in “Dracula” and wore even less in the Italian movie “La Riffa”. (Well yeah, but that was only because getting naked was ‘integral to the plot development’.)
• According to “Star” magazine, Jennifer Lopez is being sued for $3 million for stealing a director’s idea for a movie version of the opera “Carmen”. This comes on the heels of Paramount’s cease-and-desist letter claiming J-Lo’s “I’m Glad” video ripped off the studio’s ‘80s hit movie “Flashdance”. (What’s the point of accumulating money? Once you get it – everybody wants it!)

COFFEE DRINKERS ARE SEXIER:
Research published in “Woman’s Own” magazine shows that coffee drinkers are more sexually active than non-drinkers, but no one’s sure if that’s because of something in the caffeine – or just because it keeps people awake!

AND JUSTICE FOR ALL:
“Psychology Today” reports that employees exposed to difficult or unjust circumstances may not only become sullen and unproductive, they may become physically ill. A 2-year University of Helsinki study finds that workplaces rated as having ‘low justice’ – where performance reviews are considered unfair and employee viewpoints are not heard – have 41% more sick days among men and 12% more among women.

SATISFACTION WORTH MORE THAN MONEY:
Over 50% of American women measure work success based on the satisfaction they get from doing a good job. Less than 25% say they measure success based on money.

SPACE STATION 911:
The latest Shuttle tragedy has caused NASA to look at alternatives for getting astronauts off the International Space Station in an emergency. One option may be an orbital space plane that looks like a stubby version of the Space Shuttle. Another option is docking an Apollo-style command module at the station as a ‘lifeboat’. With strict budget considerations, NASA has even considered refurbishing capsules built in the 1960s and currently in storage or museums.

REASON TO BECOME A FITNESS TRAINER:
University of British Columbia research shows that women who cycle on an exercise bike for 20 minutes display more ‘intense response’ when shown an erotic film than those who had just been relaxing.

VIRTUAL WRITER:
There’s a new computer program called Brutus One that writes short stories. One of its creations was recently slipped in with 3 other stories published on the Internet and readers were asked to guess which had been written by a machine. Only 25% guessed correctly. It’s only the first version of the program and software designer Selmer Bringsjord admits it still has problems. For instance, so far it can only produce 500-word stories from a male point of view about betrayal in a university setting. (Well in that case, Hollywood might be interested.)

DANGERS OF THE GREAT OUTDOORS:
A study in the “Western Journal of Medicine” says wild animal attacks, rock climbing, hang gliding, and other ‘exotic’ incidents don’t cause many deaths in national parks. Instead, heart attacks (17%), drownings (15%), falls (15%), and motor vehicle accidents (10%) are the top causes. In fact, fighting and substance abuse cause more than 3 times as many injuries as rock climbing. (Yeah, but after getting into a fight you don’t plunge 3,000 feet to your death.)

WHAT YOUR HEADACHE SAYS ABOUT YOU:
National Headache Foundation research shows the type of headache you have could depend on your personality. Migraine sufferers tend to be neat, orderly and creative individuals who demand a lot from themselves. Tension headaches, on the other hand, most often hit people who have poor coping skills. They can get a headache just thinking about stressful situations.

YOU JUST CAN’T WIN:
A new study shows being overweight may lead to cancer. Researchers claim 90,000 cancer deaths a year are due to obesity. (Well Porky, aren’t you glad you quit smoking and gained 30 lbs?)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Americans attempt to fill in over 50 acres of crossword puzzles every day. (And we call baseball the ‘national pastime’?)
• 65% of men claim they’ve ‘scored’ on a 1st date, while just 45% of women admit to it. (Meaning there’s a few women out there that must really get around!)

THE BULL SHEET 05.19.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [69] Jim Lehrer, Wichita KS, PBS news anchor (“The News Hour with Jim Lehrer”)

1945 [58] Pete Townshend, Chiswick ENG, dinosaur rock guitarist/singer (The Who-“Who Are You”, “I Won’t Get Fooled Again”) recently cleared of child porn allegations/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1990)

1949 [54] Dusty Hill, Dallas TX, classic rock bassist/singer (ZZ Top-“Legs”, “Tush”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY in St Ives, England is the annual “Dicing For Bibles”, a Whitmonday tradition since 1675 in which children throw them bones to win themselves a copy of the good book. In recent years, the dicing has been moved from the altar to a more ‘suitable place’. (The basement bingo hall?)

TODAY is “National Be a Millionaire Day”, celebrating the joys of the wealthy lifestyle. (In order to participate – get a whole bunch of money and then …)

TODAY is “May Ray Day”, an annual celebration of Spring sunshine and people named ‘Ray’. (OK, it’s pretty lame, but hey – any excuse for a party!)

THIS WEEK is “Backyard Games Week”, celebrating the history of classic backyard games like croquet and horseshoes. Ask what’s hot in the backyard these days.
PHONER: 800-524-4263 (Lisa Wuennemann-Patch Products)
NET: http://www.patchproducts.com/letsplay/NBGW.asp

THIS MONTH is “Moving Month”. According to a new survey by BoxBundles.com, the average American family leaves behind 1,500 lbs of trash when they move – about 25% of the total household belongings. (So a quarter of what we live with is garbage?)

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2002 “The X-Files” series finale on FOX-TV (years after the show peaked)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1889 [114] 1st automobile ‘speeding ticket’ (Jacob German of NY caught traveling 12 mph)
WRONG: IT’S ON MAY 20

1896 [107] 1st ‘dimple-producing machine’ patented (for golf balls, not humans)

1974 [29] 1st ‘expansion team’ to win NHL’s Stanley Cup (Philadelphia Flyers)

1994 [09] 1st ‘genetically-engineered’ tomato approved for marketing (Frankenfood!)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1992 [11] British strongman Dave Gauder pulls 196-ton jumbo jet a record 3 inches down a runway (Heathrow Airport, London)

1995 [08] Balamurali Ambati graduates from Mount Sinai Medical School to become world’s youngest doctor – at age 17!

1999 [04] “Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace” opens in theaters and generates a record $28.5 million on opening day, $100 million in a record 5 days, and $200 million in a record 13 days

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Memorial Day (no BS service)
[Tues] Senior Citizens Day
[Wed] National Wait Staff Day
[Wed] 38th Academy of Country Music (ACM) Awards
[Thurs] Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day
[Fri] Wear Your Thong to Work Day 2003
[Sat] Brothers Day
[Sun] Indianapolis 500
This Week Is . . . Buckle-Up America Week
This Month Is . . . National Allergy/Asthma Awareness Month (ahhhhh-CHOOOOO!!!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS EXCUSES IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT WORK:

• “It’s okay … I’m still billing the client.”
• “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
• “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.”
• “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.”
• “Where am I and who are you?”
• “I’m in the management training program.”

US CITIES WITH THE BEST-LOOKING PEOPLE:
1. San Diego CA
2. Honolulu HI
3. Austin TX
4. San Juan PR
5. San Francisco CA
6. Las Vegas NV
7. Seattle WA
8. Phoenix/Scottsdale AZ
9. Portland OR
10. San Antonio TX
Source: “Travel & Leisure” magazine.

BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
‘John’ did not kill ‘Bill’ because ‘Smith’ died. Why not? (Smith was a writer. ‘John’ and ‘Bill’ were the heroes of his unfinished novel.)

BS BLATANT JOKE:
Just think, if it wasn’t for chins and chests it would take two people to fold the laundry!

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 32% of Americans can name a member of the band Aerosmith but only 15% can name one of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A supreme court judge.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
I find that one of the most handy, helpful, useful, beneficial, advantageous, valuable items I have is a thesaurus.

 


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