Friday, May 16, 2003        Edition: #2542
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

TONIGHT the 30th annual “Daytime Emmy Awards” air live from NYC’s Radio City Music Hall on ABC-TV with Sharon Osbourne, Dr Phil & Rosie O’Donnell among the presenters . . . TONIGHT former “American Idol” contender Frenchie Davis (booted off for modeling for an adult Website) makes her Broadway debut in the Tony Award-winning musical “Rent” . . . TOMORROW original “Saturday Night Live” cast member Dan Aykroyd returns to host the show for the first time, with Beyonce Knowles as musical guest . . . TOMORROW 56-year-old former “Growing Pains” actor Alan Thicke will play in a charity hockey game in NYC, less than a month after getting 5 teeth knocked loose and 30 stitches after a blow from a hockey stick (the guy’s obviously thick-headed – he once had his nose busted by Gordie Howe in a
celebrity hockey game) . . . “Down With Love” star Ewan McGregor says celebrities should use
‘extreme force’ against paparazzi photographers who use subterfuge to obtain photos (yeah, shoot the bastards!) . . . Ricky Martin admits that he talks to himself in the mirror every night – as part of a ‘spiritual search’ (saying things like, “Why are you such a has-been?”) . . . Stone Temple Pilots singer Scott Weiland has been named as the new vocalist for a new band to be called Reloaded, featuring former Guns N’ Roses members Slash, Duff McKagan & Matt Sorum . . . 32-year-old actress Aisha Tyler, who plays ‘Ross Geller’s’ girlfriend ‘Charlie’ on “Friends”, admits her first screen performance was in an amateur porn film with her husband in which she says they looked like – ‘charging hippos’ . . . And 19-year-old singer Michelle Branch says she’s finally found a suitable place for the “Grammy Award” she won for “The Game of Love” – on top of her toilet tank!

Chipmunk-cheeked Renée Zellweger plays a feminist writer who falls for a womanizing journalist played by Ewan McGregor in “Down With Love”, a throwback to the 1960s romantic comedies of Doris Day & Rock Hudson.

The government of Switzerland wants to eliminate the fabled Swiss Army bike brigade, the world’s last remaining cycling combat unit. But supporters argue cycling troops are fast, efficient and cheap, so the issue of defense reform is being put before Swiss voters SUNDAY. (What makes it a ‘combat cycle’? A baseball card on the back wheel that makes it sound like a motorcycle?)

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say . . . New DNA testing proves that humans are NOT directly descended from Neanderthals. They discovered this by analyzing DNA from the bones of a Neanderthal baby who died 29,000 years ago. (Cripes, if they wanted any accuracy, you’d think they’d use FRESH Neanderthals!)
• Scientists say . . . Big fish such as marlin, tuna & swordfish are disappearing from the world’s oceans. Their numbers have dwindled by 90% over the past 50 years, according to Dalhousie University biologists Ransom Myers & Boris Worm. (Who personally counted all of them and didn’t make these numbers up.)
• Scientists say . . . Laughter can help ease various medical conditions, especially depression, anxiety, hypertension & diabetes. A Brazilian health center is so convinced of its therapeutic value, it stages activities like paper fights & karaoke sessions to make patients laugh. (They force depressed people to sit through karaoke? Why not just hand ‘em a gun?)

The ‘perfume diet’ may be the next big thing after researchers found that men think women weigh less if they smell of flowers. In fact, a 10-year study has found that pleasant, floral-spice perfume makes women appear 5 kg (about 10 lbs) lighter in the eyes of the opposite sex. Other odors, including butterscotch, cigarette smoke, grapefruit and pepperoni pizza don’t have the same effect. (But remember if you’re on the ‘perfume diet’, just don’t drink it!)

Lampposts are collapsing all over Croatia and officials are blaming – urinating dogs. The state-run power company says when male dogs mark their territory by lifting their legs on lampposts, their wastewater slowly corrodes the metal. Local politicians are begging pet owners to make their dogs urinate somewhere else. (OK government buddy, how ‘bout your pant leg?)

Prices on the world cocoa market are taking off and are now at a 15-year high. That means higher chocolate prices in the months ahead, so enjoy it now! (There’s today’s excuse. You’re welcome.)

According to a brand new survey, more women are grumpy in the morning than men, by a margin of 42% to 25%.


1953 [50] Pierce Brosnan, Navan IRE, movie actor (James Bond-“Die Another Day”, “The World Is Not Enough”, “Tomorrow Never Dies”)

1954 [49] Dafydd (Dave) Rhys-Williams, Saskatoon SK, NASA space shuttle astronaut (STS 90)

1966 [37] Janet Jackson, Gary IN, pop singer (“All For You”) who has sold over 40 million albums worldwide/sometime actress (“Nutty Professor II: The Klumps”)/9th and youngest child in dysfunctional Jackson family

1971 [32] David Boreanaz, Buffalo NY, TV actor (Angel/Angelus-“Angel”)

1973 [30] Tori Spelling, Beverly Hills CA, bug-eyed, plastic-chested actress (“Scary Movie 2″, “Scream 2″)/ex-TV actress (“Beverly Hills 90210″)/producer Aaron Spelling’s spoiled-rotten daughter

1950 [53] Christian Lacroix, Arles FRA, Paris fashion designer

1961 [42] Enya (Eithne Ni Bhraonain, named after a Celtic goddess), Gweedore IRE, pop/new age jazz singer (“Only Time” from top-selling album “A Day Without Rain”, “Watermark”) with worldwide sales of over 44 million albums

1920 [83] Pope John Paul II (Karol Wojtyla), Wadowice POL, 264th RC Pope, since 1978 (1st non-Italian in 456 years, 1st Polish pope ever)  FACTOID: Though he suffers from Parkinson’s disease, knee and hip ailments, he’s made it clear he has no intention of stepping down.

1952 [51] George Strait, Pearsall TX, country singer (“Tell Me Something Bad About Tulsa”, “Living & Living Well”)

1955 [48] Yun-Fat Chow (Chow Yun-Fat), Hong Kong, movie actor (“Bulletproof Monk”, “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, “Anna & the King”)  UP NEXT: Will reteam with his “Crouching Tiger “ co-star Michelle Yeoh in the Chinese historical epic “Hua Mulan”, the story of a woman who masquerades as a man and becomes a war hero (Disney already did the animated version).

TODAY is “International Wear Something Purple for Peace Day”, the first ‘intergalactic holiday’ as declared by a wacko group called ‘The Moderns’ who contend aliens will not communicate with Earth due to our violent nature.

TODAY is “Biographers Day”, a day to start reading or writing a biography. What would you call yours?

TODAY is the beginning of “International Pickle Week”, which actually lasts 10 days and honors the ‘world’s most humorous vegetable’ (zucchini is threatening to sue). What’s new with pickles? Spice! According to Pickle Packers International, sales of fiery hot pickled cucumbers, peppers & carrots are warming up. On the other hand, the idea of introducing a ‘blue’ pickle was a total flop.

TOMORROW is “Armed Forces Day”, observed annually on the 3rd Saturday in MAY. It’s a salute to all current and former servicemen and women.

THIS WEEKEND the “World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest” sizzles in Memphis TN. It’s the ‘Super Bowl of Swine’, the ‘College of Pig Knowledge’, the ‘Granddaddy of Grills’, the ‘Largest Pork Barbecue Cooking Contest on the Planet’ as more than 250 teams break out their best barbecue in an attempt to claim a chunk of over $60,000 in prizes. Along the way they’ll use up over 30 tons of pork and draw upwards of 100,000 visitors.
PHONER: 901-525-4611

SUNDAY is “Visit Your Relatives Day”, a day to renew family ties with seldom-seen relatives. (Uh, maybe there’s a reason they’re ‘seldom seen’?)

SUNDAY is “International Museum Day”, celebrated all over the world since 1977. Many museums offer half-price admission for the day. Here’s a few really strange museums –
• ‘Aluminum Tree & Aesthetically Challenged Seasonal Ornament Museum & Research Center’ (Brevard NC) – features 62 vintage aluminum trees in various colors, and a lot of really tacky ornaments.
• ‘Parasitological Museum’ (Meguro, Japan) – devoted solely to ooey-gooey parasites, you know, things like the tapeworm.
• ‘Occult Museum’ (Monroe CT) – so creepy that they have an exorcist come in every 3 months to ward off any unearthly presence.
• ‘Nonsense Museum’ (Vienna, Austria) – exhibits dubious engineering milestones like the see-through suitcase for easy customs inspection, and a heated garden gnome that repels snow.
• ‘International Spy Museum’ (Washington DC) – includes espionage gizmos like a KGB lipstick gun, plus a spy school for kids.
• ‘Charles M Schulz Museum’ (Santa Rosa CA) – honors the creator of the “Peanuts” comic strip. Though he died in 2000, his creations are still raking in about $20 million a year.

MONDAY is “Victoria Day”, a truly Canadian holiday begun in 1845 as a celebration of national unity. It commemorates the birth of Queen Victoria on May 24, 1819, the source of the holiday’s tongue-in-cheek nickname, ‘May 2-4′. She was Britain’s longest-reigning monarch (1837-1901) and during her reign the British Empire grew to encompass about a quarter of the Earth’s land area and population.

1866 [137] 1st ‘root beer’ created (Charles Elmer Hires)

1929 [74] 1st ‘Academy Awards’ (“Wings” wins ‘Best Picture’)

1965 [38] ‘Spaghetti-Os’ 1st marketed (pink goo in a can)

2000 [03] 1st US First Lady to run for public office as Hillary Rodham Clinton is nominated to run for US Senator in NY (and later wins)

[Sat] Pack Rat Day (what’s the strangest thing you refuse to throw out?)
[Sat] 128th Running of the Preakness Stakes (Baltimore MD)
[Sun] I Am An American Day
[Tues] Senior Citizens Day
[Tues] “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” series finale
This Week Is . . . Historic Preservation Week AND Nursing Home Week (coincidence?)
This Month Is . . . High Blood Pressure Month


• If that’s not chocolate, then what is it?
• When you say ‘about average’, exactly how many other men are you comparing me to?
• Why is this chair wet?
• What’s inside this letter from the tax office?
• Honey, why are you so sick each morning?
• No, I’ve never heard of Amway. What is it?
• How contagious are you?

Not the most popular names, but the names that are currently experiencing the greatest growth in popularity –
1. Alexis
2. Abigail
3. Faith
4. Sophia
5. Isabella
1. Ethan
2. Daniel
3. Gavin
4. Dominic
5. Brayden
(Likely the worst-named baby this year was born in MARCH in Wuhan, China with the given name of – ‘Saddam Sars’.)

• Michael Douglas says that he’s retraced his family roots and found that his great, great grandfather was a pirate. Coincidently, Catherine Zeta-Jones has retraced her roots and found that her great, great grandfather is Michael Douglas.
• I have a weak spot in my heart for deep-fried onion rings. Now I have a weak spot in my

Today’s Question: THIS is what men apparently lie about the most.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Nope, not that. It’s their height.

Wisdom comes with age. Death comes with age. Therefore, wisdom is dangerous.

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