Thursday, May 15, 2003        Edition: #2541
Can You Believe This Sheet?

TODAY “Matrix Reloaded” officially opens in a gazillion theaters around-the-world (even though most screened a sneak LAST NIGHT) . . . TONIGHT the 9th season finalé of “Friends” heads to Barbados (during the rainy season) where a surprising new romance develops that will continue into next season (can’t tell you who – it’d spoil it!) . . . Jen & Ben have reportedly halted their wedding plans yet again – this time because J-Lo’s schedule doesn’t allow room for the ceremony . . . Now that they’ve parted ways with Sony Music, Sharon Osbourne is said to be negotiating a new recording contract for Ozzy and Kelly with several companies – as a special package deal (“Please please please take Kelly – and we’ll give you Oz!”) . . . ‘Lara Croft’ fans only have another 5 weeks to wait until the release of the latest version of “Tomb Raider”, the long-delayed “Angel of Darkness” (be still my heart) . . . In his new biography, “An Unfinished Life: John F Kennedy 1917-1963″, historian Robert Dallek claims JFK had an affair with an unnamed teenage White House intern (seems to be a tradition) . . . A new Frank Sinatra biography by his valet George Jacobs claims ‘Old Blue Eyes’ ordered custom-made underwear to disguise his ‘trouser bulge’ on stage . . . Calvin Klein underwear model Travis Fimmel has the lead role in an upcoming Tarzan TV series to be called “Tarzan & Jane” that’s set in modern-day New York City . . . 33-year-old No Doubt singer Gwen Stefani says her Catholic upbringing was so strict, her parents even dictated her shade of underwear (white) until she was 18 . . . And, because you really need to know, Brad Pitt apparently prefers boxers to briefs and favors cow print, striped or polka dot designs, and oh – he takes a 32 waist (there’s no word if he has them custom-made to disguise his ‘trouser bulge’).

While Halle Berry was shooting “Gothika” in Montréal an intruder reportedly tried to barge into her rented Westmount mansion while she was lying half-naked on a table having a massage, leaving Halle so shaken she immediately moved to a hotel . . . A sequel to the 1994 blockbuster “The Mask” called “Son of the Mask” is in the works but instead of starring Jim Carrey, it will feature a more budget-sized star – Jamie Kennedy (“Malibu’s Most Wanted”) . . . John Travolta will play the lead villain, ‘Howard Saint’, in the newest comic book screen adaptation, “The Punisher” . . . “Crocodile Dundee” actor Paul Hogan will next star in “Strange Bedfellows”, a comedy about an oldtimer who pretends to be part of a gay couple in order to get a tax break . . . Sandra Bullock & Ralph Fiennes will co-star in “Vapor”, about a struggling actress who saves the life of a stranger . . . It seems 3 movies just weren’t enough – ‘Hannibal Lecter’ is coming back again in “The Lecter Variation: The Story of Young Hannibal Lecter” in which 4 different actors will play the infamous bloodsucker at ages 12, 16, 20 & 25.

In his new book, “Taking The Red Pill: Science, Philosophy & Religion in the Matrix”, Oxford University philosophy professor Dr Nick Bostrom predicts technology WILL someday develop to the point that there are life-like simulation programs as in “The Matrix”. Furthermore, he claims there’s about a 20% possibility that we are currently living in a software-generated virtual world that’s only a simulation of the year 2003. (I’m confused as to what to do … should I flip the boss the bird and quit work for the day or not?)

If the stud in your tongue just isn’t enough, perhaps you should consider one of the fastest-growing new forms of body art – a ‘tongue split’ that’ll set you back about $500. Yep, it involves forking your tongue down the center, thereby giving you whole new snakelike appeal. Many worry that these tongue operations are being done in unsafe conditions and several US states are looking at restricting the procedure. 29-year-old Shannon Larratt, who publishes the online “Body Modification E-zine” from his rural Ontario farm, estimates that only about 2,000 ‘mods’ (body modifiers) in the Western world have split tongues. He contends that if the practice is restricted, people will simply go to underground parlors to have it done.

Microsoft Corp is now admitting that a recent news release saying the company was developing a portable toilet with Internet access, called the ‘iLoo’, was a hoax perpetrated by its British division. We admit it – you got us! (In actuality, what they invented is a Web-activated vibrator that’s perfect for online chat rooms.)

Looking for an edge in picking your playlist? A market-data company called BigChampagne provides what it calls ‘online media measurement’ – a list of the music file swappers are searching for most on the Internet. Using specialized software, the company analyzes billions of search requests and song downloads on file-sharing networks such as KaZaA and Morpheus. Clients then get categorized lists of online music trends, right down to the city where downloaders live. Does it work? Well, they managed to predict 50 Cent would be a huge hit – before his album was released. The current #1 swap song is “Bring Me to Life” by Evanescence. Get the top 10 swap list for free here –

Thanks to fishing equipment maker Humminbird, anglers can now peer beneath the surface with a new portable sonar gadget called ‘SmartCast’. The wireless transmitter is embedded in a bobber attached to the fishing line. Fish and other underwater features can then be viewed on a ‘Dick Tracy’-style wrist monitor. The gizmo costs about 100 bucks. (Not as Earth-shaking in the fishing world as the development of the ‘beer helmet’, but an idea for “Father’s Day” all the same.)

The people who brought us online newscasts in the altogether, “Naked News”, are now offering radio stations a 1-minute sportscast for free. Wait a sec – naked sports … on radio? Are we missing something here? They promise it’s entertaining – even if you can’t see it.
PHONER: 416-362-5043 (Chris MacLaurin, Naked News PR Director-Toronto)

Having trouble finding a new home? Be thankful you’re not Down Under. Due to an overheated property market in Sydney, Australian home buyers are now BRIBING real estate agents with up to $20,000 in cash!

Which would you rather have – a perfect body or a perfect-looking partner? In a new “Elle” magazine survey, 60% of the males polled say they’d rather date a woman with a perfect body than have one themselves. But 90% of female respondents are more selfish – they’d rather have a perfect body than a perfect boyfriend.

According to the Japanese cult ‘Panawave Laboratory’, mysterious electromagnetic waves will cause a devastating earthquake TODAY. Unless, that is, a bearded seal named ‘Tama-chan’ is removed from a river near Yokohama. (I think I saw this movie. It was really bad.)

• New stats from the World Health Organization show that traffic accidents kill 4 times as many people as wars, and far more people commit suicide than are murdered.
• Naked recreation & travel is now a $400 million-a-year industry worldwide, up from $120 million in 1992, according to the American Association for Nude Recreation.


1940 [63] Lainie Kazan (Levine), movie actress (Maria Portokalos [the mother]-“My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, “Beaches”)/TV actress (Maria Portokalos [the mother]-“My Big Fat Greek Life”)/sometime singer

1951 [52] Chazz Palminteri, NYC, movie actor (“Analyze This”, “The Ususal Suspects”, “Wise Guys”)

1967 [36] John Smoltz, Warren MI, MLB pitcher (Atlanta Braves since 1988, 1996 Cy Young Award)

1969 [34] Emmitt Smith, Pensacola FL, NFL RB (Arizona Cardinals, ex-Dallas Cowboys)/NFL’s career rushing record holder (over 17,000 yds – almost 10 miles)

1981 [22] Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Jericho NY, TV actress (Meadow Soprano [the daughter]-“The Sopranos” since 1999)

[UN] “International Day of Families”

TODAY is the 9th annual “Bike to Work Day”, a good excuse to ‘make a healthy commute’. (And chew off the pant leg of your best suit in the chain.)

TONIGHT a total “Lunar Eclipse” will be seen across North America … if the weather cooperates. Unlike solar eclipses, eclipses of the Moon are safe to view with the naked eye. It begins at 11:13pm EDT and will last some 53 minutes as the Earth comes between the Sun and the Moon. This year features 2 lunar eclipses, the next coming NOVEMBER 8th. (You know what they say about a year with 2 eclipses, don’t you? Well, actually … um nothing.)

TODAY is “National Chocolate Chip Day”. (Hey, any excuse to mow down on a dozen warm gooey cookies fresh out of the oven is cool. Mmmmmmmmmmm, can’t you just smell ‘em?)

TODAY is “Peace Officer Memorial Day” observed by more than 21,000 police departments across North America to honor colleagues who’ve been killed in the line of duty. This is also “National Police Week”.

TODAY is “True Confessions Day”, a day to confess all those little secrets you’ve been keeping for years. Open the phone lines for some true confessions. You’ll be surprised what you get!

2002 Coca-Cola rolls out its new ‘Vanilla Coke’ (good or bad?)

1930 [73] 1st ‘flight attendant’ as Ellen Church serves up snacks and drinks on a United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Cheyenne WY  FACTOID: She was actually qualified as a pilot but because she was female the company would only employ her for ‘nurse’ duties like serving box lunches and brushing dead flies from windowsills.

1940 [63] DuPont announces “Nylon Day” when ‘nylons’ replace silk stockings as part of WW2 effort (many women resort to ‘liquid stockings’ – rubbing on temporary dye from a bottle, then drawing on a ‘seam’ with eyebrow pencil)

1993 [10] 1st Montréal Expo uniform retired (Rusty Staub’s #10)

1995 [08] 1st Canadian magazine to go online (“Maclean’s”)

1995 [08] 1st casino gambling site launched on the Internet

2000 [03] Vancouver Symphony Orchestra’s new music director Bramwell Tovey eclipses the Guinness record for ‘world’s largest orchestra’ by conducting the VSO and 10,000 students at GM Place

[Fri] 30th Daytime Emmy Awards
[Sat] The Preakness
[Sun] Visit Your Relatives Day
[Mon] Victoria Day (no BS service)
[Tues] Senior Citizens Day
This Week Is . . . Running & Fitness Week / Golf Week
This Month Is . . . Personal History Awareness Month / Senior Citizens Month

• If things that are fattening make you fat, then what does shortening do?
• OK, can someone explain – just what is the point of ‘brick’ wallpaper?
• Why do they tell us to watch the “Today Show” … tomorrow?
• If you set your microwave for ‘:90′, it gives you 90 seconds, a minute-and-a-half. So how does it know what you want when you set it for 4:00 – 400 seconds or 4 minutes?
• Why is it when you finally get what you want, you don’t want it as much?
• Why do people say ‘tuna fish’? They don’t say ‘beef mammal’, do they?
• If carrots develop better eyesight how come you always see so many dead rabbits on the side of the road?

BS Q & A:
Q: When it comes to human navels, which are there more of – ‘innies’ or ’outies’?
A: ‘Outies’ are much more rare. The good news is you can now change an ‘outie’ to an ‘innie’ if you want, with simple plastic surgery.
Source: “Totally Trivial”

1. “American Idol”
2. Kazaa
3. 50 Cent
4. “X-Men”
5. “The Matrix”
7. Mother’s Day
8. Kazaa Lite
9. Eminem
10. “Yu-Gi-Oh!”
Source: “Buzz Index World Report”

• “A friend’s spouse is coming on to you. Do you tell your friend?”
• “What did you get called in school that you hated?”
• “Who did you worship as a kid that you’re now embarrassed about?”

Today’s Question: 11% of women absolutely, positively refuse to wear these, even if it means they might miss out on the fun.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Bowling shoes.

The grass may always be greener on the other side of the fence but it still needs to be mowed.


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