Tuesday, May 13, 2003        Edition: #2539
Don’t you just love the smell of BS in the morning?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY the guitars of late Who rocker John Entwistle, who died of a cocaine-fueled heart attack last JUNE, will be auctioned off by Sotheby’s . . . TONIGHT David Boreanaz returns to guest star on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” as the series prepares to wind down . . . A man actress Demi Moore hired to manage her Idaho ranch is seeking over $180,000 in damages because he claims she tried to seduce him, then fired him when he turned her down (think this guy saw her movie “Disclosure”?) . . . Nicole Richie, 21-year-old daughter of singer Lionel Richie, has been charged with felony possession of heroin just days before she was to begin shooting FOX-TV’s new reality show “The Simple Life” (where’s FOX recruiting these reality stars – prison?) . . . It’s estimated that Ray Romano is getting $1.7 million per episode to star in 2 more seasons of “Everybody Loves Raymond” for CBS-TV, making him the highest-paid actor on TV . . . For the 2nd year in-a-row, movie & TV production in Canada has fallen, down about $150 million in 2002 from the year before . . . And the latest show biz romance rumor involves 2003 ‘Best Actress’ Oscar winner Nicole Kidman & ‘Best Actor’ winner Adrien Brody looking cozy together on a night out at a NYC fashion gala (for the record – it was she who asked he).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Rob Schneider stars in the comedy “The Hot Chick”, as a guy who somehow switches bodies
with the hottest chick in town . . . Robert De Niro & Billy Crystal return in the comedy sequel “Analyze That” playing a mobster and his shrink . . . The no-name sci-fi thriller “Equilibrium” takes place in a fascist future where all forms of feeling are illegal . . . And for collectors, the entire 7th season of “The X-Files” is out on DVD.

VIOLENCE, WHAT VIOLENCE?
Video game maker Eidos has announced a contest in which the winner will appear as a character in the upcoming game “Backyard Wrestling: Don’t Try This at Home”, set for release THIS SUMMER for PlayStation 2. The bad news for the winner is their digital likeness is likely to have the crap kicked out of them – competitors in the game are often beaten with lead pipes, body-slammed onto concrete and left lying bloody on the ground. The official in-game soundtrack for the new game will include music by Sum 41.

MONKEYING AROUND:
You’ve heard the old theory that if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, they will eventually produce prose the likes of Shakespeare? Wrong! Researchers at the UK’s Plymouth University report that 6 monkeys left alone with a computer for a month did nothing but attack the machine and failed to produce a single word. Their literature was limited to pressing a lot of S’s.

BIRD COURSES:
In JANUARY, Smith College in Massachusetts will begin offering an informal course called ‘Schmoozing 101′. Not to be outdone in the lightweight department, the UK’s Learning & Skills Council is now offering a college course in – ‘Text Messaging’.

I’LL NEVER GROW UP!
When do you become an adult? According to a new survey by the National Opinion Research Center, you’re not fully grown up until age 26! Seems most of us now think that becoming ‘an adult’ includes having an education, a job, a family, and being financially independent. (Not to mention moving out of your parents’ basement.)

IT’S A SAFE MONTH:
“American Demographics” magazine reports that condom sales in North America are at their highest from mid-MAY to mid-August. On the other hand, March is just an average month for condoms but sales of in-home pregnancy tests peak.

ANOTHER SEA MONSTER?
Cryptozoology is the study of ‘hidden animals’ rumored to exist but for which there is no hard evidence. The ‘Loch Ness Monster’ or ‘Bigfoot’, for example. And now we can add one more – Newport City VT historian Barbara Malloy claims she’s repeatedly seen a giant beast with a black hump and 4 fins swimming around Lake Memphremagog, a 30-mile-long body of water along the Vermont-Québec border. Skeptical locals say the ‘creature’ is likely just a mischievous moose taking a dip. (Malloy’s been guzzling more than maple syrup?)

THE PORTABLE PULPIT:
TODAY at a Christian products convention in Surrey, England, the world’s first ‘inflatable church’ will be officially dedicated, then put on display. The 47-foot-high movable church was invented by Michael Gill, who’s attempting to sell them for about $35,000 apiece. Why an inflatable church? According to Gill, “If the people won’t go to church, the church needs to go to the people.” (Like most churches, it’ll be full of hot air.)

THIS CAR’S GONE TO THE DOGS:
Honda has unveiled its new Vamos – a ‘pet-friendly small utility vehicle’ that, for now, is only available in Japan. It features wipe-able door linings for easy removal of dog hair and saliva, floor mats treated to fight bacteria, odors and fleas, and a heater to warm the rear seats where ‘Killer’ sits. (What, no round portholes to stick his head out?)

EYE OPENER:
A recent Duke University study finds that women wake up almost twice as fast as men after general anaesthesia during surgery. (Seems women fake unconsciousness, too.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
The average life span of a major league baseball is just 5 to 7 pitches!

THE BULL SHEET 05.13.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [64] Harvey Keitel, Brooklyn NY, tough-guy movie actor (“Red Dragon”, “Pulp Fiction”, “The Piano”)

1950 [53] Stevie Wonder (Steveland Hardaway), Saginaw MI, oldies singer/songwriter with 16 Grammy Awards (“Sunshine of My Life”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1989)

1950 [53] Peter Gabriel, Woking ENG, classic rock singer (“Sledgehammer”)

1953 [50] Tom Cochrane, Lynn Lake MB, classic rock singer (“Life is a Highway”, “No Regrets”)/Canadian Music Hall of Fame (2003)

1961 [42] Dennis Rodman, Trenton NJ, former NBA bad boy (LA Lakers, Chicago Bulls) who will reportedly wed girlfriend Michelle Moyer TODAY so he’ll never forget his wedding anniversary/occasional movie actor (“Double Team”)/actress Carmen Electra’s ex-

1964 [39] Tom Verica, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (Jack Pryor-“American Dreams”)

1965 [38] Lari White, Dunedin FL, country singer (“Don’t Fence Me In”)

1966 [37] Darius Rucker, Charleston SC, pop singer (Hootie & the Blowfish-“Let Her Cry”, “Hold My Hand”)

1972 [31] Darryl Sydor, Edmonton AB, NHL defenceman (Dallas Stars)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TOMORROW is “International Online Romance Day”, when singles are encouraged to use the Internet to find a new friend and perhaps romance.
PHONER: 919-878-9108 (Lorilyn Bailey, author of “The Little Book of Online Romance”-Raleigh NC)
NET: http://onlineromance.com

THIS WEEK the 22nd “Canada-Wide Science Fair” takes place in Calgary, displaying over 450 projects from students across the country at the University of Calgary campus . So what’s the weirdest science on display?
PHONER: 403-802-7708
NET: http://cwsf2003.org

Watch your manners! THIS WEEK is “National Etiquette Week”. You can take the ‘My Fair Lady Etiquette Quiz’ here –
NET: http://www.foxhome.com/myfairlady/not/scn2/manners.htm

MAY is “Date Your Mate Month”, when you’re challenged to add some sizzle to your relationship by making a date with your spouse. How embarrassing if you get stood up!
PHONER: 505-899-3121 (Rose Smith, Institute of Monogamy-Albuquerque NM)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1637 [366] 1st ‘table knife’, designed for Cardinal Richelieu of France (previously hunting knives were used at the dinner table in a stabbing motion)

1878 [125] ‘Vaseline’ 1st marketed (what’s the best thing you’ve ever used it for … er, maybe the SECOND-best thing?)

1959 [44] 1st ‘Hula Hoop’ patented by AK Melin (immediately becomes a HUGE fad)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] “Cannes Film Festival” opens (through 25th)
[Thurs] “Matrix Reloaded” opens (late Wednesday night in some theaters)
[Thurs] Bike to Work Day
[Fri] Employee Health & Fitness Day
[Sat] The Preakness
[Sun] International Museum Day
[Mon] Victoria Day (no BS service)
This Week Is . . . Historic Preservation Week / S-S-S-Stuttering Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . International Dental Awareness Month / National Moving Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
YOUR FAVORITE SANDWICH REVEALS YOUR PERSONALITY:

• PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY: You’re artistic and adventurous, and you like bringing different people and ideas together. That’s especially true if you prefer the crunchy style of peanut butter. You don’t mind when things get a little messy sometimes.
• BOLOGNA & CHEESE: A traditionalist whose tastes are simple and plain, you’re straightforward and direct. You value honesty above all other values. You’re also a little naive and can sometimes be too trusting.
• HAM & SWISS: Quiet and reserved, you’re very private and have only a small number of friends but are extremely close to them. You’re fiercely loyal and supportive but can also be stubborn and have trouble letting go of old ideas.
• ITALIAN HERO: Strong-willed and brash, you’re a hard-charging achiever who likes to take risks. You’re a strong leader, but you sometimes forget to check if anyone’s following. You need to learn to listen a little more to the advice of friends and colleagues.
• TURKEY SANDWICH:  You’re somewhat shy and rarely volunteer, but once asked you pitch right in and get the job done. You hate conflict and tend to back away when things get rough. You’re not much of a risk-taker but you’re a good parent and provider.
• CLUB SANDWICH: Generous and big-hearted, you never do anything halfway – either for yourself or others. You’re creative, innovative and mechanically inclined. But you sometimes make things too complicated. You need to try to relax a little.
• TUNA SALAD: Your calm, serene outlook has many people looking to you for guidance. You’re a problem solver who doesn’t waste time assigning blame when things go wrong. Just don’t take all those problems on your own narrow shoulders – it’s not always your responsibility.
Source: “Weekly World News”

MORE OF LIFE’S BS RULES:
• Old people always have exact change.
• The dumber the man, the louder he talks.
• The people who choose to be nudists are never the people you wish to be nudists.
• The best-looking musician is always the lead singer, followed in descending order by the lead guitarist, rhythm guitarist, drummer, and bass player.
• You really need closer to 2 apples a day now to keep the doctor away.
• The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
• Having a ferret as a pet doesn’t make you any cooler. In fact, it actually makes the ferret less cool.
• Women who have 2 or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.
Source: “Esquire” magazine’s “The Rules: A Man’s Guide to Life”.

USA’S MOST FRIENDLY CITIES:
1. Nashville
2. Honolulu
3. San Antonio
4. Twin Cities
5. Austin
Source: “Travel & Leisure” magazine.

BS TRIVIA:
Q: Which mammal’s male genitalia is called a ‘dork’?
A: The whale. (Now you know what you’re calling people.)

BS BLATANT JOKE:
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing – either the car is new or the wife.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What do you keep in the 3rd drawer of your kitchen?”
• “How long does it take to boil an egg?” (It seems we’re forgetting how to cook in the fast-food era. A new British newspaper poll finds fully 75% of respondents don’t know how long it takes to boil an egg. The correct answer is 4 to 5 minutes.)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Watch it at work today! According to a recent survey, this is the #1 reason your boss will fire you.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Inappropriate use of e-mail.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Assumptions are the termites of relationships.

 


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