Monday, May 12, 2003        Edition: #2538
Get a Load of This Sheet!

TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “Star” magazine claims Avril Lavigne is sometimes too busy or too darn lazy to wash her hair, so she uses that old-fashioned dry shampoo called ‘Pssssst’ that was popular in the ’70s . It’s not too “Complicated” – you just shake the powder on your dirty hair and it supposedly absorbs all the oil. (Ewww!)
• “Daily Dish” reports actor Sean Penn is suing producer Steve Bing for allegedly dropping him from the movie “Why Men Shouldn’t Marry” because of his anti-war stance. Penn wants $10 million in damages from Bing, famously the father of actress Liz Hurley’s son. Not to be outdone, Bing is countersuing Penn for $15 million, accusing him of trying to extort money. (And the winner will be – each other’s lawyers.)
• According to the tabloid “Everywhere”, stupormodel Naomi Campbell wants to have a baby and old boyfriend Robert DeNiro is the man she’d like to father it. Seems self-possessed Naomi is jealous of fellow models Kate Moss and Claudia Schiffer who have new babies and feels left out. (Hey Naomi, do future generations a favor – adopt.)
• “Daily Sport” says “Charlie’s Angels” actress Cameron Diaz is furious after a couple of fans mugged her in Beverly Hills. According to the tab, she agreed to pose for a photo with the supposed fans, but they then took advantage of the moment and ran off with her handbag. She reportedly won’t be posing for fans in the future. (Unless her ass-kicking stunt double is with her.)
• “Mirror” reports 25-year-old actor Ashton Kutcher has been spotted slipping into Britney Spears’ NYC pad 2 nights in a row. Kutcher recently split with his “Just Married” co-star Brittany Murphy and, just like Britney’s other on & off boyfriend Colin Farrell, has a rep’ as a ladies’ man. Meantime, Britters has put the $4-million Hollywood Hills home she bought in 1997 to share with Justin Timberlake up for sale because she’s on the hunt for a new place on the coast.
• “E! Online” says Eminem has asked Weird Al Yankovic to cease-and-desist from shooting a video for a “Lose Yourself” parody titled “Couch Potato”. But what’s the big deal? He already agreed to allow Weird Al to include the tune on his new album.
• And here’s the hot headlines we should all be following, according to “Weekly World News” –  “The First Photo of a Fairy!”, “Real-Life Batman Spoils Robbery!”, “8-year-old Pianist Has 14 Fingers!”, “New Vitamin Cigarettes Will Add Years to Your Life!”, “Space Aliens Are Sending Their Kids to Earth’s Universities!”, and “Psychiatrist Treats Unhappy Ghosts!”.

TUBE TALK:
TODAY Jay Leno & Katie Couric are trading jobs as he goes to “Today” while she hosts “Tonight” (the first time anyone’s sat in for him since he took over from Johnny Carson 12 years ago) . . . TODAY recliner chairs designed by the cast of “Friends” go on sale for 10 days on eBay to benefit the AIDS Foundation . . . TONIGHT is the “Fear Factor” championship final on NBC and they’re promising the show’s biggest-ever stunt . . . TONIGHT Whitney Houston is scheduled to appear on FOX-TV’s “Boston Public” season finale, playing herself (she’s become so unreliable, even though it was pre-taped she still might not show up).

SAY BYE TO B-O AT BEDTIME:
The best time to apply antiperspirant is at bedtime, when it has time to be better absorbed. At least, that’s what experts in “Fitness” magazine say. (Who’ve obviously never been in the dressing room at the racquet club.)

EX-PAT PRINCE?
Britain’s Prince William is reportedly thinking about moving to the US after he graduates from university in Scotland. He says he wants to live a “free, easy lifestyle for a few years”. (As opposed to the gruelling life of playing polo, going to parties, cutting ribbons and, of course, waving. If only my life was so difficult.)

JUMBO JET TOURS:
A travel company is offering special vacations for fat people THIS SUMMER. The tubby tourists will stay at a specially-built hotel in Mexico called the Hotel Freedom Paradise that has extra large rooms, doors, beds & chairs. (Guest will also be treated to whale-watching tours called ‘Meet the Only Mammal Bigger Than You’.)

PORTLY PACHYDERM:
An elephant has lost a half-ton in weight after being put on a strict diet at Brazil’s Rio de Janeiro Zoo. Biologist Valdir Ramos says, “Her thighs were too big and her waist was too thick. She was too fat and her hamstrings were suffering.” So 39-year-old ‘Koala’ is now limited to just – 300 lbs of food per day.

DOING BAG TIME:
The government of South Africa has banned thin-plastic shopping bags because they litter streets and become snagged in trees and bushes all over the countryside. Retailers caught using or selling the bags can now be fined up to $13,000 – or sentenced to 10 YEARS in jail! (“So I committed assault & battery, what are you in for?” “Bags.”)

WHO DO YOU TRUST?
52% of respondents in a Gallup poll selected ‘pharmacists’ as the most trustworthy professionals. And the least trustworthy? Not surprisingly, ‘auto sales reps’, trusted by only 1%.

EYE OF THE BEHOLDER:
In a “Glamour” magazine poll, 23% of men say they think a black satin push-up bra is ‘sleazy’. Only 2% of the women surveyed agree. (The difference is easily explained: for men ‘sleazy’ is a POSITIVE quality.)

TINKLING THE TOUCHTONES:
Retina, a film transfer company in San Francisco, is looking to recruit a – piano-playing receptionist. Yup, the ideal candidate is someone who can do filing, answer phones AND play a baby grand, all for about $15-an-hour. Apparently it’s a new business and the owner thinks it would be a nice touch to have some music in the background. (“Attention Mr Lopez, the bank’s on line 3 for you” [ominous piano chord SFX].)

BS AMAZING FACT:
You’re more than twice as likely to fool around on your mate if one of your parents did, according to a British study.

THE BULL SHEET 05.12.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1907 [96] Katharine Hepburn, Hartford CT, 12-time Oscar nominee/only actress to win 4 Oscars

1921 [82] Farley Mowatt, Belleville ON, wildlife author (“A Whale for the Killing”, “Never Cry Wolf”, “Owls in the Family”)

1937 [66] George Carlin, Bronx NY, standup comedian (“Seven Words You Can’t Say on Radio or TV”)  QUOTE: “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

1948 [55] Steve Winwood, Great Barr ENG, classic rock musician (“Higher Love”, “Roll With It”, Spencer Davis Group-“Gimme Some Lovin’”)

1955 [48] (Leon) Kix Brooks, Shreveport LA, country singer (Brooks & Dunn-“Red Dirt Road”, “Only in America”, “Ain’t Nothing `Bout You”)

1961 [42] Ving Rhames, NYC, movie actor (“Mission: Impossible I & II”, “Out of Sight”)  COMING UP: “Mission: Impossible 3″ (2004)

1962 [41] Emilio Estevez, NYC, film actor (“Mighty Ducks” series)/Martin Sheen’s son, Charlie Sheen’s brother/Paula Abdul’s ex-

1978 [25] Jason Biggs, Hasbrouck Heights NJ, movie actor (“American Wedding”, “American Pie I & II”)

1995 [08] Sullivan & Sawyer Sweeten, Brownwood TX, twin actors (Michael & Geoffrey Barone-“Everybody Loves Raymond” since 1996)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Limerick Day”, celebrated on the birthday of Edward Lear (1812), the author of the ‘bible of limericks’, “The Book of Nonsense”. Follow this link for some ‘Loony Limericks’, both naughty and nice –
NET: http://home.earthlink.net/~kristenaa/

TODAY is “International Nurse’s Day”, celebrated annually on the birth date of famed British nurse Florence Nightingale (1820-1910) whose efforts significantly contributed to the development of modern professional nursing.

THIS WEEK is “Girls’ Rights Week”, a celebration of girls’ voices designed to help girls understand and assert their rights.
PHONER: 800-374-4475 (Girls Incorporated, NYC)/212-509-2000 (Taiia Smart Young, Media Relations)            
NET: http://www.girlsinc.org

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1932 [71] 1st appearance of Disney character ‘Goofy’ (“Mickey’s Revue”)  FACTOID: His original name was ‘Dippy Dawg’.

1935 [68] ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ founded (Akron OH)

1937 [66] 1st-ever ‘worldwide radio broadcast’ (coronation of Britain’s King George VI)

1978 [25] National Weather Service announces hurricanes will no longer be exclusively female

1997 [06] 1st woman to swim 118 miles from Cuba to Florida (Australian Susie Maroney-24.5 hours)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Victoria Day
[Today] “Tony Award” nominations announced (awards June 8)
[Wed] Dance Like A Chicken Day
[Wed] “Dawson’s Creek” 2-hour series finale
[Wed] Cannes Film Festival opens (through 25th)
[Thurs] “Matrix Reloaded” opens
[Thurs] Bike to Work Day
[Thurs] Lunar Eclipse
[Fri] 30th Daytime Emmy Awards
This Week Is . . . Transportation Week / Coach Recognition Week
This Month Is . . . Asparagus Month / High Blood Pressure Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
10 WACKY BS PROMOTIONAL STUNTS:
• ‘To Die For’ – Invite your listeners to write a little essay on how they’d want their ‘dream funeral’ to go. Read the best entries on-air, then at the end of the promotion award a lucky winner a casket, flowers, official death certificate … the works, courtesy of [Your Station] and a local funeral parlor that’s just dying to flog its ‘preplanned funeral plans’.
• ‘Fear Factor Night’ – A good little bar promotion where you find 8 volunteers from the crowd who go at it in a 3-round grossfest that involves events like eating octopus & squid, drinking a dog food milkshake, or bobbing for raw hot dogs in a tub of cold oatmeal.
• ‘Temp Tattoo You’ – A station that ran a spoof promotion offering cash for anyone who had the call letters tattooed on permanently ended up getting sued by some idiot who actually did it. But there’s nothing wrong with offering free prizes or admission to an event to the first 100 who show up with a temporary tattoo featuring your station ID.
• ‘Breakfast At Your House’ – Once a week have your morning crew do the show from a listener’s home. Show up with a band, coffee, giveaways and a grill in the front yard and feed the entire street breakfast. Leave the goodies behind when you’re done.
• ‘Wrong Trousers Day’ – A fundraising day where people wear the wrong pants for charity. Volunteers pay a specified donation (5 bucks?) to wear someone else’s pants for the day. Get whole companies and office buildings involved. The visual impact is hilarious! The idea was inspired by an award-winning animated film in the UK called “The Wrong Trousers”. A national ‘Wrong Trousers Day’ is being organized for Britain on the first Friday of July.
• ‘Gender Benders’ – Your contestant is sent out in public dressed as the opposite sex with a morning crew member along to do play-by-play. The contestant must attempt certain chores: buying gender-specific items, trying to pick up a date, asking about jobs, etc. In order to win the grand prize, they must survive through your entire show without being unmasked as a fraud.
• ‘Don’t Party’ – “Glamour” magazine just held its 3rd annual in Southern California. Simple idea: everybody attending intentionally tries to commit fashion faux pas by wearing their worst fashion ‘don’ts’. Worst get-up worn wins.
• ‘Famous Name’ – Convince your audience and local media a ‘famous name’ will be visiting your show. Keep dropping clues as to who it might be for a week in advance (ie: Tom Cruise). On the day of the event make it look real with a limo, security and a an escort of station vehicles from the airport. Bottom line is, you a famous name on your show alright, just not the person who made the name famous (it’s ‘Tommy Cruz’ from local hicktown).
• ‘The Beer Batter’ – Baseball promotion where a hitter from the visiting team is designated as the ‘beer batter’. If he strikes out between the 1st and 6th innings, fans get half-price beer for the next 15 minutes courtesy of [Your Station].
• ‘She’s Having a Baby’ – Register expectant moms throughout the summer to win a year’s supply of diapers, baby wipes, formula, etc. The one that gives birth closest to “Labor Day” wins the whole shebang. Do regular on-air progress reports with contestants.

BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
Those who make them don’t need them. Those who buy them don’t want them. And those who use them don’t know it. What are they? [Coffins.]

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Can money buy love? How much would it cost to get you to marry an ugly, old, mean person?”
• “If you put your partner up for sale on eBay, what would your ad say?”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• And now here he is, a man that means ‘so what?’ to so many …
• This just in! Ozzy Osbourne’s dog is now in rehab.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Does your man do THIS too much? 39% of women think so. What is it?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Watch sports on TV.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The quickest way to have a family reunion is to win a lottery.

WELCOME NEW BS-ERS!
Welcome aboard to this week’s BS samplers that include Jeremy Paul @ CJCM Cold Lake AB, Candace Gemmell @ The Canadian School of Modern Broadcasting, Kaan Yigit @ RADIO 5 Istanbul, Turkey, and Pauline Benetar @ B103 Farmingdale NY. Refer your friends to BS. If they subscribe – you get a FREE MONTH of service!

 


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