Friday, May 9, 2003        Edition: #2537
Get your BS here, hot ‘n fresh!

TONIGHT The Eagles farewell tour begins in Richmond VA (another one?) . . . Former “Star Trek” star William Shatner is being sued by his ex-wife over – frozen horse semen (she claims their 1995 divorce gives her breeding privileges … with his American saddlebred stallions, that is … for her mares, that is) . . . Zanzara International is launching a new line of ‘Bada Bing!’ silk ties inspired by “The Sopranos” . . . Meantime, “The Matrix Reloaded” (opening NEXT THURSDAY) is spawning a new line of chi-chi sunglasses priced circa $300 . . . 18-year-old Kelly Osbourne has been dumped by her record label (hmm, could it be ‘cause she can’t sing?) . . . It now appears that Oliver Stone’s version of “Alexander The Great” starring Colin Farrell & Anthony Hopkins will beat Baz Luhrmann’s version starring Leonardo DiCaprio & Nicole Kidman by at least a year . . . 45-year-old Yvette Freeman, who’s played nurse ‘Haleh Adams’ on “ER” for its entire run (200th episode LAST NIGHT), has dropped from 260 lbs to 140 & gone from a size 24 to 8 (it’s no magic – just sensible diet and exercise) . . . Gwyneth Paltrow has been photographed with a gold band on her wedding finger, fueling more rumors she & Coldplay singer Chris Martin are engaged – if not already married . . . Actor Ashton Kutcher tells the new issue of “Rolling Stone” the infamous Bush twins were not only underage-drinking at a party in his house a while back, the Secret Service asked him if they’d be spending the night . . . And we quote – “I know I’m pretty, but it means I have to work even harder” – so says oh-so-modest 22-year-old bed-hopping socialite Paris Hilton.

Eddie Murphy stars in “Daddy Day Care”, a comedy about 2 stay-at-home dads who decide to open their own daycare center (Problem #1 with this premise – there isn’t a mom anywhere who’d feel safe putting her kid in a daycare run by men. Problem #2 – today’s dads would never be as hopelessly inept at child care as these two!) . . . In the drama “The Shape of Things”, an art student (Rachel Weisz) sets out to turn her nerdy-looking boyfriend (Paul Rudd) into a completely new person, with some surprising results . . . The Christopher Guest mockumentary-style comedy “A Mighty Wind” opens wide . . . And in limited release – the documentary “Only the Strong Survive” catches up with some of the great soul singers of the ’60s and ’70s, including Wilson Pickett, Carla Thomas, Mary Wilson, Isaac Hayes, and The Chi Lites.

• In a “Baby Center” poll for “Mother’s Day” most respondents say that motherhood has had a positive effect on their marriage. In fact, 39% of new moms polled say they are closer than ever to their spouses. On the down side, 31% admit their sex life is shrinking.
• According to a “Men’s Health” magazine poll, 71% of men feel their dog understands them at some telepathic level. (That’s because men and dogs have the same interests – eating, sleeping, playing & humping.)
• A survey by UBC psychologist Stanley Coren published in “Modern Dog” magazine says that 18 to 34-year-old single women are the most likely to sleep with a dog. 60% of pet owners in this category allow their pooches to share the sheets. (That’s because dogs really mean it when they kiss you, and they don’t brag about who they’ve slept with.)

THIS WEEK the world’s tallest & fastest roller coaster opened at Cedar Point amusement park in Sandusky OH. The $25-million ‘Top Thrill Dragster’ tops out at 420 feet, reaches speeds of 120 mph, and features a twisting drop of 400 feet at a 90-degree angle. (Also features industrial strength barf bags.)

A museum in the town of Agder, Norway has opened the world’s first “Penis Gallery” featuring photos of the genitals of 18 different men, aged 20 to 70.  The curator says part of the reason for the exhibit is to help men be more content with what nature has given them. (Visitors are issued magnifying glasses.)

Due to a shortage of surgical masks, villagers in southern Taiwan are strapping bras to their faces to guard against the SARS virus. A local lingerie factory is making the make-shift masks by cutting bras in two and sewing on straps. (What size would you take in a face cup? Studio experiment time!)

Just in time for “Mother’s Day” a woman in the town of Cariacica, Brazil has given birth to twins, a boy and a girl. That’s not unusual. But this sure is – each twin came from an individual womb, because mommy has two! (Wow, pre-natal apartments!)

THIS WEEK West Hollywood CA became the only city in the US, and perhaps the world, to pass a law banning pet owners (referred to as ‘pet guardians’) from having their cats de-clawed. (You can tell when you cross over the city line – the drapes in all the windows are shredded.)

Planning a barbecue this weekend? Wadakin & Matsuzuka beef, raised in Japan, are considered the most tender in the world. The steers are isolated in totally dark stalls, fed on beer & beer mash, and hand-massaged by specially trained beef masseurs 3 times a day!


1918 [85] Mike (Myron Leon) Wallace, Brookline MA, TV journalist (“60 Minutes” since 1968) who’s finally cut back on his gruelling schedule

1936 [67] Albert Finney, Salford ENG, movie actor (“Erin Brockovich”, “Traffic”)

1946 [57] Candice Bergen, Beverly Hills CA, movie actress (“Sweet Home Alabama”, “Miss Congeniality”)/ex-TV actress (4 Emmy Awards-“Murphy Brown”)

1949 [54] Billy Joel, Hicksville NY, pop singer (“Just the Way You Are”, “My Life”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 1999

1961 [42] John Corbett, Wheeling WV, movie actor (the newlywed husband in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” who doesn’t appear in the TV sitcom version)/TV actor (Aidan Shaw-“Sex & the City” 2000-02)

1965 [38] Steve Yzerman, Cranbrook BC, NHL center (Detroit Red Wings)

1974 [29] Stephane Yelle, Ottawa ON, NHL center (Calgary Flames)

1975 [28] Tamia (Washington), Windsor ON, R&B singer (“Stranger in My House”, “You’ve Put A Move On My Heart”)/married to NBA star Grant Hill

1955 [48] Chris Berman, Greenwich CT, ESPN/ABC sportscaster (“Monday Night Football”)

1960 [43] Bono (Paul Hewson), Dublin IRE, rock singer (U2-“Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of”, “Beautiful Day”)/2003 Nobel Prize nominee for his efforts to relieve Third World debt & promote AIDS awareness in Africa  FACTOID: His daughter Jordan, nicknamed ‘U3’, turns 14 TODAY

TODAY is “National Small Business Day”. A small business is defined as one with fewer than 100 employees. Many of today’s small businesses used to be big businesses.

TODAY is “Lost Sock Memorial Day”, a day to remember those singular hose that went into the washing machine or dryer never to return. (Play “Taps” for them?)

TODAY is “Child Care Provider Appreciation Day”, honoring those dedicated souls who interact with our children during those most important first formative years of their lives (Eddie Murphy, for example). In a similar vein, TOMORROW is “National Babysitters Day”.

TOMORROW is the annual “Clean Up Your Room Day”. Once a year? What, were you born in a barn?

TOMORROW is “Trust Your Intuition Day”, a day to listen to your ‘gut feelings’ and act upon them. Is it true? Are women better at this than men?

The 2nd SUNDAY in May is “Mothers Day” in Canada, the USA, Australia, Denmark, Finland, Italy, Turkey and Belgium. Some 125 million phone calls are made to North American moms and more North Americans eat out on “Mothers Day” than any other special occasion. “Mother’s Day” was first suggested in 1872 by Julia Ward Howe, a women’s suffrage leader and author of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”.
• TV & movie actress Sarah Jessica Parker (“Sex & the City”)
• TV host Kelly Ripa (“Live With Regis & Kelly”)
• Movie actress Elizabeth Hurley (“Austin Powers”)
• Singer Brandy (“The Boy Is Mine”)
• Movie actress Uma Thurman (“Pulp Fiction”)
• Movie actress Catherine Zeta-Jones “Chicago”)
• Movie actress Julianne Moore (“The Hours”)
• Supermodel Cindy Crawford
• TV actress Jane Leeves (“Frasier”)
• TV actress Patricia Heaton (“Everybody Loves Raymond”)
Source: Netscape Celebrity

1899 [104] 1st ‘lawn mower’ is patented (thereby ruining weekends)

1903 [100] Blacksmith Fred LaRose of Cobalt ON throws his hammer at a fox and strikes the
world’s largest silver vein

1944 [59] 1st ‘eye bank’ opens, in NYC

1960 [43] 1st public sale of ‘contraceptive pills’

1997 [06] 1st graduate from 1st university operating entirely online (you can bet that ‘virtual diploma’ from International University is truly beyond worth)

1984 [19] Chicago White Sox and Milwaukee Brewers finish 8 hour, 6 minute game – longest-ever MLB game in elapsed time (Chicago wins 7-6 in 25th inning on 2nd day)

[Sat] Birth Mothers Day
[Sat] Native American Day
[Mon] Limerick Day
[Mon] Kite Day
[Mon] International Nurse’s Day
This Week Is . . . Safe Kids Week / Nurses Week
This Month Is . . . Better Hearing & Speech Month / Home Decorating Month


10. Samus Aran – “Metroid”
9. Firiona Vie – “EverQuest”
8. Blaze – “Streets of Rage”
7. Jill Valentine – “Resident Evil”
6. The Girls – “Street Fighter”
5. Sophitia Alexandra – “Soul Caliber”
4. Mai Shiranui – “Fatal Fury”/”King of Fighters”
3. Morrigan Aenslan – “Darkstalkers”
2. The Girls of Dead or Alive – “The Dead or Alive”
1. Lara Croft – “Tomb Raider”

In a study for Benadryl allergy medicine, behavior expert Patti Wood claims sneezers can be broken down into 3 basic personality types –
• ‘The Be Right Sneezer’ – Careful, accurate people who try to hold sneezes in. When they fail, they allow a single small sneeze in an attempt to get it over with. Their sneezes are quick, decisive and to the point.
• ‘The Sensitive Sneezer’ – People with a friendly personality who are most likely to turn their heads away from others while sneezing.
• ‘The Enthusiastic Sneezer’ – Charismatic leaders who make a big deal out of sneezing and take joy in letting ‘em rip … numerous times … loudly.

One of the following statements is total BS, which one?
1. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
2. Catfish have no taste buds. (BS)
3. Starfish don’t have brains.

• “What’s the worst gift to give mom on Mother’s Day?” (According to a survey by ProFlowers,  cleaning products, one of those singing fish, ugly clothing & gardening tools rank among the worst.)
• “What makes your dog laugh?” (Jenny Langbehn, author of “97 Ways To Make a Dog Smile”, suggests playing a dog’s ribs like a piano while singing, or smearing peanut butter on the tail and watching it spin around to get at it.)

Today’s Question: 60% of Brits say they do this on a daily basis, sometimes even at work.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Take a nap.

Forbidden fruit creates a lot of little jams.

10 Wacky Promotional Stunts in Monday’s Edition of “BS”!


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