Wednesday, May 7, 2003        Edition: #2535
Ahhhhh! It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

TONIGHT Fleetwood Mac’s 40-city reunion tour begins in Columbus OH (in a seniors’ home) . . . THIS WEEK Trace Adkins is in a Nashville studio recording lines & at least one tune for his upcoming appearance on “King Of The Hill” as ‘Big John The Trucker’ (I always thought he was a little trucker) . . . 38-year-old “Sex & the City” actress Sarah Jessica Parker tells “W” magazine how she got in shape so quickly after having a baby – “I can afford a yoga teacher to come to my house [and] child care so I can work out for an hour-and-a-half” (and you can’t, so nya nya nya!) . . . The FOX-TV series “24″ could be made into a feature film, at least according to its star Kiefer Sutherland (who’s likely just wishing) . . . Halle Berry has been voted ‘The Most Beautiful Woman in the World’ by the readers of “Eve” magazine (isn’t it possible it could be someone NOT famous?) . . . Word has it Leonardo DiCaprio is back with his former flame, supermodel Gisele Bunchen, after she performed a sexy dance for him at a party (what, you thought she’d impress him with her calculus?) . . . Keanu Reeves has forked out $200,000 on Harley-Davidson motorcycles – as gifts for the stuntmen who worked “Matrix: Reloaded” (opening MAY 15) . . . Michael Jackson reportedly went shopping at a Florida mall – dressed as a monkey (how warped has he become when this isn’t even shocking?) . . . The ‘undercover activities’ of Liz Hurley & millionaire boyfriend Arun Nayar on a NYC-London British Airways flight reportedly upset passengers so much they alerted attendants who put a stop to it (get out the hose!) . . . Word is Ozzy Osbourne is set to pull the plug on his family’s hit reality-TV show because he & Sharon are devastated by the effect the show has had on their son Jack (they’ve already made close to $80 million off it anyway) . . . And a poll of “Cosmopolitan” readers finds that a whopping 44% think J-Lo & Ben Affleck will break up by Labor Day (start your own on-air ‘dead pool’?).

• ‘Polyamorous’ – According to the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, this is the politically sensitive term for people with prodigious sexual appetites who sleep around. Apparently calling them ‘floozies’ or ‘womanizers’ might hurt their feelings. (Like they have any.)
• ‘Modders’ – People who modify or customize their computers. According to the “Houston Chronicle”, favorite upgrades include see-through side panels, lights in bendable tubing giving a neon effect, water-based cooling systems, and cases in outrageous colors or made from wood. (I’m getting an overhead cam and mag wheels on mine.)
• ‘Crossover Sport Van’ – The term GM is using to describe its line of hybrid vehicles as the word ‘minivan’ is phased out because it’s no longer fashionable. (Not a term that rolls off your tongue unless it gets abbreviated to ‘CSV’.)
• ‘Thought Shower’ – The term ‘brainstorming’ has become the latest target of political correctness, reports Britain’s “Telegraph”. Trainee teachers are being told it may offend students with epilepsy, so instead are being advised to use ‘word storm’ or ‘thought shower’. (Couldn’t that offend ‘Rain Man’?)

• Scientists say . . . the rate of premature births has jumped significantly over the past 20 years and they suspect it’s partly caused by women giving birth later in life. Women older than 35 are more likely to deliver prematurely. (But fortunately receive immediate relief from that constant ticking, ticking, ticking of their biological clock!)
• Scientists say . . . they’ll have cloned a human being, no kidding this time, by the end of 2003. (Is this really smart? Have you been to a paint shop? We can’t even match paint, never mind people!)
• Scientists say . . . flip-flops are bad for you! The American College of Foot & Ankle Surgeons says a surge of young people are now seeing podiatrists because of heel pain, mostly 13 to 18-year-old girls who are flipping over fashionable flip-flops. The problem – they have no arch support. (That’s it – it’s back to combat boots with your capris!)

The transfer of disease from animals to people is called ‘zoonosis’ and it’s now estimated that it’s the source of 75% of newly emerging diseases. AIDS began with chimpanzees, the West Nile Virus is spread by mosquitoes, and it’s now believed that SARS may have originated with farm animals in China. (Does diarrhea come from pigeons?)

There’s a new adult education course at Swinburne University in Melbourne, Australia that’s designed to meet a growing demand in the gay community – drag queen make-up artistry. During the 3-month course, students are taught sound make-up techniques, including how to conceal bushy eyebrows and beard shadows. After all, a spokesman says (or is it a woman?), there’s more to being a successful drag queen than simply wearing the right clothes. Swinburne has a reputation for unusual programs. It also offers ‘Bushwalking’, ‘Responsible Liquor Management’, and ‘Making a Living Without a Real Job’. (Aka ‘Radio Broadcasting’.)

A new survey finds that women often prefer their partners to lie when asked about their weight or whether their butt looks big in a certain dress. The poll of 1,000 women for “She” magazine also finds 98% often lie about their own weight, and 70% lie when asked about their drinking or smoking habits. Editor Eve Cameron says that when women lie they usually do it to protect other people’s feelings. (While guys lie to avoid a night on the couch and the silent treatment.)

Dr Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, author of the new book “Women Who Think Too Much” says that as many as 57% suffer from ‘overthinking’ even the simplest things. And it seems 43% of men have the same problem! She claims overthinking leads to an inability to solve problems, and can lead to depression. What to do? Distract yourself from the issue, then figure out a solution later. (What, like have a beer?)

• The typical American eats ice cream 2.2 times a week. If you don’t, you’re getting less than other kids. And that’s good reason to whine, “It’s not fair!”
• Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. (Ewwww!)


1946 [57] Bill Kreutzmann, Palo Alto CA, rock musician (Grateful Dead-“Touch of Grey”) back touring again after the death of leader Jerry Garcia as simply ‘The Dead’/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 1994

1969 [34] Eagle-Eye Cherry (yes, his real name), Stockholm SWE, alternative/jazz singer (“Save Tonight”, “Falling in Love Again”)/son of late jazz trumpeter Don Cherry & brother of alternative-rap singer Neneh Cherry

1974 [29] Breckin Meyer, Minneapolis MN, movie actor (“Kate & Leopold”, “Rat Race”, “Road Trip”)/TV actor (Josh Manke-“Kim Possible”)

TODAY is “National Tourist Appreciation Day”, a day to be extra-courteous to guests in our country. (After SARS, Gulf War 2, and 9/11 – they’re an endangered species!)

TODAY is “School Nurse Day”, honoring that nice lady that gives you a note so you can go home. Altogether now, open wide and say ‘Ahhhh’!

TODAY marks “Yom HaAtzmaut”, Israel’s 55th “Independence Day”. (You can bet the entire country is on alert.)

TODAY kids from some 50 countries will be exercising precisely at 10am local time as part of the 15th annual “Project ACES” (‘All Children Exercise Simultaneously’). Millions around the world are expected to run, walk, dance, do any form of body exercise for 15 minutes as a kick-off to “Physical Fitness & Sports Month”. Why not hold your own 15-second on-air workout to celebrate?

TODAY is “Privy Diggers Day”, honoring those who use the unconventional method of excavating outhouses to explore the past. Many ‘important historical discoveries’ have apparently been made using this method. (But what a crappy job!)

TODAY is “International Paste-up Day”, honoring those who paste up newspapers, magazines, books and other printed materials. ‘Pasting-up’ these days is done with computer software.

TODAY is “National Roast Leg of Lamb Day”. (Awww! The poor widdle woolly baa-baas.)

TODAY is “Beaufort Scale Day”, honoring the 1774 birth of Sir Francis Beaufort who, as any sailor knows, invented the scale that measures wind speed from 0 (calm) to 12 (hurricane), adopted as an international standard in 1874.

1660 [343] 1st ‘macaroni’ is patented by Isaack Fubine (the next day, an accompanying orange powder is invented that contains ‘synthetic cheese product’)

1988 [15] 1st convention of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens (a convention is the only way these losers can get a date)

1934 [69] ‘World’s largest pearl’ (14 lbs/6.4 kg) found at Palawan, Philippines (man, how big was that oyster?)

1994 [09] 555 guitarists in Vancouver simultaneously play BTO’s “Takin’ Care of Business” for 68 minutes (a gathering of people who only know 3 chords)

1998 [05] ‘Largest industrial merger to date’ as Daimler-Benz buys Chrysler Corp for $37 billion-plus (it’s pronounced ‘dime-luhr’)

[Thurs] No Socks Day
[Fri] National Receptionists Day
[Sat] Child Care Provider Appreciation Day
[Sat] Native American Day
[Sun] Mother’s Day
This Week Is . . . National Pet Week (
This Month Is . . . Good Carkeeping Month / Revise Your Work Schedule Month

• Whyzit pilots always say, “We are now making our final approach”? Did they make other approaches that they didn’t tell you about?
• Whyzit the good answers are always the ones you think of after the moment?
• Whyzit world heavyweight boxing champs need bodyguards?
• Whyzit lending someone money causes amnesia?
• If winning isn’t important then whyzit we keep score?

• What gift do most moms say they’d like to receive for “Mother’s Day”? [Going out for brunch.]
• What gift is the most given for “Mother’s Day”? [Flowers]
• When do most consumers spend more money – “Valentines Day” or “Mother’s Day”? [Mother’s Day.]
Sources: FTD/MasterCard

Ass Hill NL, Crotch Lake ON, Snafu Creek YT, Eyebrow SK, St Louis du Ha Ha! QC, Pooh Lake ON, Jackhead MB, Hooker Mountain BC, Community Punch Bowl AB, Snag YT, Big Beaver SK, Meat Cove NS, Shitagoo Lake QC, Crapaud PEI, Belcher Islands NT.

Purgatory ME, Hell MI, Scratch Ankle AL, Good Grief ID, Stinking Point VA, Yum Yum TN, Tightwad MO, Zero MT, Intercourse PA, Suck-Egg Hollow TN, Toad Suck AR, Dull OH, Nuttsville VA, Stuck WA.

Pity Me, No Place, Great Cockup, Crackpot, Fangfoss, Scagglethorpe, Blubberhouses, Slape Wath, Wetwang, Great Fryup, Cottonshopeburnfoot, Once Brewed … and the neighboring village of Twice Brewed.

• When the latest “American Idol” finals began, oddsmakers picked Clay Aiken as the favorite to win at 3/1 odds, followed closely by Joshua Gracen at 13/4. Do they both deserve to go on to the final 3?
• Every kid hears lots of ‘momisms’, those little pearls of wisdom mothers insist on passing along … over and over. Things like “Someday your face will freeze like that!”, “You’re going to put an eye out with that thing!”, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times!”, and “There’s enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes!” So … what lies did mommy tell you?

• Some Orthodox priests have been suspended in Romania for blessing brothels. Just what would be the proper blessing for a brothel? “Oh God, oh God … God, God, yes! Yes! Oh my God!”
• I keep getting junk e-mail for penis enlargement. If I responded to every ad, it’d be about 15-feet-long by now!

Today’s Question: Making love by the fireplace is apparently the most UNDER-rated place to do the wild thing, and THIS is the most OVER-rated place.                   
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Outside in the woods.

Talent is ‘the gift’ plus passion, a desire to succeed so intense that no force on Earth can stop
it. – Neil Simon

You get ONE FREE MONTH for each new BS subscriber you refer!


Printer Friendly Version