Monday, May 5, 2003 Edition: #2533
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!
JUICY TABLOID BS:
• Beaten-down Ben Affleck has reportedly demanded to be treated like an equal by his henpecking fiancée Jennifer Lopez. Seems Ben felt Jen treated him like a dog, and that nearly derailed their upcoming wedding. – “Star Magazine”
• Diana Krall’s father has confirmed that the Canadian jazz singer is engaged to classic British rocker Elvis Costello. No wedding date has been announced. – “E! Online”
• “Playboy” is interested in doing photo layouts of “American Idol” contestants Trenyce, Carmen Rasmusen and Julia DeMato, but #1 on the magazine’s wish-list is said to be 21-year-old Kimberly Caldwell because she fits the mold of the ideal “Playboy” model: young, blonde, curvy and bubbly … with a bit of a bad girl in her. – “National Enquirer”
• If ever there was a TV show that depends on the quality of its script, it would be “The West Wing”. Now the series’ creator & chief writer Aaron Sorkin has announced he’s leaving the show at the end of this season. Why? Constant nagging about budgets and production delays from Warner Bros Television might have something to do with it. – ”Daily Dish”
• Kiefer Sutherland has been hailed as a hero for helping save the life of his “24” co-star Reiko Aylesworth (‘Michelle Dessler’) when she seriously injured her head at a party … after slipping on a spilled drink. Sutherland apparently acted quickly to get her to a hospital. – “Express”
• Here they go again … Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas are now threatening to sue Clear Channel Worldwide whom they claim is responsible for embarrassing pictures surreptitiously taken and since posted on over 1,200 Websites. The pic that has them really steamed is the one of a pregnant Catherine topless … puffing on a cigarette. – “PeopleNews”
• Nicole Kidman has been spotted on the town with rapper Q-Tip again. The pair were seen at a White Stripes concert in NYC where she reportedly spent most of the time sitting in his lap. – “Mirror”
• The hearse that carried the corpse of Princess Diana to her grave is up for sale by the undertaking firm of Leverton & Sons. While the Daimler Sovereign vehicle is thought to be worth only about $6,000, huge bids have already been offered. – “Ananova”
• And check out the week’s ‘breaking news’: “Horny ‘Homeland Security’ Agents Strip-Searching Women!”, “Tennessee OK’s Bigfoot Hunting Season!”, “Terrorists Seducing US Women Online!”, “Final Proof of Life in Outer Space!”, “Half-Man Half-Alligator Spotted in Louisiana Bayou!”, and “Angel Shot by Duck Hunter Reappears Over Lake!”. – “Weekly World News”
NOW BUTTS CAUSE CAVITIES:
A study published in the “Journal of the American Medical Association” concludes that young children living in smoking households tend to get more – cavities. Researchers found that the
incidence of cavities in the teeth of children exposed to second-hand smoke daily was nearly double that of children from non-smoking households. They cite a couple of possible reasons – cigarette smoke lowers immune response, and kids irritated by smoke often resort to ‘mouth breathing’. (So there’s your best reason to quit smoking – do you want to be the parent of a mouth breather?)
According to a recent “Harvard Medical Journal” study, giving condoms to teenagers does NOT make them more sexually active. (We didn’t know they COULD be more sexually active.)
AND THERE’S NO RUNNING IN THE HALLS, EITHER!
TONIGHT the city council of Palo Alto CA will vote on a new ‘code of conduct’ which would ban facial expressions like rolling the eyes, frowning, and smirking during council meetings. The motion was introduced by a councilor who thinks members should show each other more respect. (What’s the dumbest rule you ever ran into?)
PROFESSIONAL PIT SNIFFER:
Last week we told you about a ‘door-to-door urine collector’. Well check out this job – Betty Lyon has been sniffing armpits for 35 years! As an ‘odor judge’ for Hilltop Labs in Cincinnati, she helps develop deodorants and she also sniffs diapers, cat litter and other consumer goods. When it comes to body odor, she says you are what you eat. “Alcohol, fried chicken, pickles, everything, comes out under your arm,” she tells “National Post”. (Well, it seems [co-host] has been eating road kill again.)
Meantime, a new survey by the makers of Secret deodorant finds that 68% of women and 62% of men are concerned about – how their armpits look. The most common problems cited are ingrown hair, shaving cuts, and discolored clothing from perspiration. (I don’t know about you, but when it comes to body parts worth observing, I rank armpits only slightly higher than toe hair.)
HAS HE GOT THE MOVES?
A survey of 2,000 women reveals that the way a man dances may provide a strong clue to his performance between the sheets. More than 80% of the women questioned said there was a definite link. More than half admitted to trying to get a man onto the dance floor to ‘check out his technique’ before ‘taking the plunge’. (Yeah, when you’re looking for a macho guy you should always check out the ballet.)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A wacko in Scarborough, Australia thought he’d found a quick way to charge his mobile phone – tossing it into the microwave for a quick zap. What he ended up with was a big explosion and a visit from the fire department. (Geez, don’t let this guy bathe the baby!)
• British police departments have found a cheap way of fighting crime – cardboard cut-outs of officers placed in crime hot-spots to provide ‘community reassurance and improve police visibility’. (Until they’re blown over by the wind.)
• German Johannes Fransen died 2 days before his granddaughter’s wedding but his family decided to bring him along anyway – parking his body in an open coffin during the ceremony. (When he escorted the bride up the aisle, he was a dead giveaway.)
• Two Belgian kids stole an entire public playground in order to build their own private one at home. The brother and sister, aged 12 and 13, stole 2 wooden swings, a seesaw and a wooden cabin before being overcome by guilt. Then they put everything back and told police! (They’ve now been sent to Baghdad as looting consultants.)
• A 22-year-old Indian man has been arrested for attempting to write his 12-year-old sister’s junior college entrance exams. Dasari Suresh says he got the idea of donning a wig and dress to pass himself off as his sister from a movie. He’s been charged with impersonation and forgery. (Guess the beard was a clue.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
Exercising isn’t the only way to burn calories. A good night’s sleep of 8 hours will burn 480 calories, the same amount burned during an hour of exercise. (So shape up … take a nap!)
THE BULL SHEET 05.05.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943  Michael Palin, Sheffield ENG, TV personality (“Hemingway Adventure”, “Pole to Pole”)/movie actor (“A Fish Called Wanda”)/ex-Monty Python’s Flying Circus comedy troupe
1944  John Rhys-Davies, Salisbury ENG, movie actor (Gimli-“Lord of the Rings” series, “Raiders of the Lost Ark”)/TV voice (ManRay-“SpongeBob SquarePants”)
1959  Brian Williams, Elmira NY, TV news anchor (“The News with Brian Williams”-CNBC)/named heir to “NBC Nightly News” anchor Tom Brokaw effective December 2004 (he needs to get his nose fixed first – it points to the side)
1981  Craig David, Southampton ENG, R&B singer (“Hidden Agenda”, “Fill Me In”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Cartoonist Day”, kicking off “Cartoon Art Appreciation Week”, to create greater public awareness of and appreciation for the cartoon. Now that Charles Schulz is gone, who’s the best comic stripper? (We like “Sherman’s Lagoon” creator Jim Toomey.)
TODAY is “Melanoma Monday”. Well gosh, I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours! Let’s all spend the day in a tanning bed.
TODAY is “Cinco de Mayo”, a Mexican holiday commemorating the 1862 victory over French troops at the Battle of Puebla that is also widely observed in the American Southwest. Mexicans everywhere (including 20 million+ in the USA) celebrate with parades and fiestas. (And tequila slammers.)
TODAY we officially reach the “Halfway Point of Spring” with 46 days behind us and 46 more to go until the first day of Summer. (So it should only snow a coupla more times in Calgary.)
TOMORROW is the 12th annual “International No Diet Day” co-sponsored the Canadian Association for Size Acceptance, to convince us to stop being obsessed with weight. If you could eat as much as you wanted and not gain weight, what foods would you eat?
THIS WEEK is “National Herb Week”, focusing on the use and history of herbs. What is an herb? The Herb Society of America defines an herb as ‘any plant that may be used for pleasure, fragrance, or physic’. (OK then, I’ll confess – I took physics in college.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1904  MLB’s 1st ‘perfect game’ (Boston Americans’ Cy Young vs Philadelphia)
1961  1st American astronaut in space (Alan Shepard, for a whopping 15 minutes)
1980  1st non-British player to win ‘World Snooker Championship’ (Canada’s Cliff Thorburn)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1939  1,904-lb ‘Big Boy’ sets world record for ‘largest pig’
1979  California’s Richard Brown reaches record 71 mph on a skateboard
1991  Yasuyuki Kudoh performs a record ‘non-stop wheelie’ on his motorcycle covering 205.7 miles (Tsukuba City, Japan)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Teacher Day
[Tues] Nurses Week begins
[Wed] Fleetwood Mac tour begins (Columbus OH)
[Thurs] No Socks Day
[Fri] The Eagles farewell tour begins (Richmond VA)
[Sat] Clean Up Your Room Day
[Sun] Mother’s Day
This Week Is . . . Be Kind to Animals Week (feed your sports guy)
This Month Is . . . Asian-Pacific-American Month / Get Caught Reading Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?
• They say this is the age of uncertainty, but how can they be sure?
• What gender is the Energizer Bunny?
• The meek shall inherit the Earth, but how long will they stay meek after they get it?
• What does Virgin Airlines become after you’ve flow it more than once?
• On exams, why does it say “Write in your own words”? Surely they don’t expect you to just go ahead & make up your own words?
• When dog food has a ‘New & Improved Taste’, who tests it?
• Which came first, the Chicken McNugget or the Egg McMuffin?
• Is marriage the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred?
BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
A man is found lying dead in the middle of a field. There is nothing else in the field apart from an unopened package. He caused his own death. So what happened? (He’s a skydiver. The unopened package is his parachute.)
Q: Cultural historians in Japan say that the modern Japanese have given up on the ancient art of ‘Namba’. What is it – eating live goldfish, a martial art using paper balls, or a style of walking?
A: It’s a style of walking where the right arm and leg swing forward together, followed by the left arm and leg. (Try it, it’s tough!)
Q: ‘Funny Cide’ won “Kentucky Derby 129″ SATURDAY. How many horses have won the race since its inception in 1875?
A: Surprise, the answer is zero! A male equus becomes a horse on its 4th birthday and is a colt before that. Thus, all Kentucky Derbies (run by 3-year-olds) have been won by colts, fillies or geldings – none were horses or mares. ‘Funny Cide’ was the first gelding to win since 1929.
Source: “Weird Fact of the Day”
BS BLATANT JOKE:
What we need around here is a designated morning breath area.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Looking for love? THIS is the work environment where you’ll find the most marriages between co-workers.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: There are more marriages between hospital co-workers than in any other workplace. (From all those days of being quarantined together?)
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Enjoy your life. If you don’t, no one else will.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
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