Friday, May 2, 2003        Edition: #2532
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

TODAY “People Magazine’s” annual ‘50 Most Beautiful People in the World’ issue hits newsstands with Halle Berry on the cover, and on the list – for the 7th time (newbies this year include “American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest & singer Norah Jones) . . . TOMORROW fans of ‘Mr Rogers’ gather in Pittsburgh for a memorial service to honor the late kiddie TV host who died FEBRUARY 27 . . . TOMORROW Avril Lavigne, Limp Bizkit & Sum 41 perform tributes to the 20-year career of Metallica at the annual “MTV Icon” event in Los Angeles . . . SUNDAY Third Eye Blind will portray Brit rockers the Kinks, circa 1964, on NBC’s “American Dreams” . . . For his 4-month stay in London while on stage in the David Mamet play “Sexual Perversity” THIS SUMMER, Matthew Perry has rented 3 adjacent penthouse apartments in swanky Mayfair – at a total cost of $600,000 (might as well be comfortable, eh?) . . . Word is Jennifer Lopez will delay her wedding to Ben Affleck because the chapel she wants to use on Georgia’s Hampton Island (where they just bought a house) will take a year to build . . . 27-year-old Reese Witherspoon is such a hot commodity MGM has decided to fly more than 100 journalists to England where she’s on location, to interview her about her upcoming flick “Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde” (opening JULY 2) – all to save the pregnant star from having to fly back & forth over the pond . . . The ”Junos” will next be handed out in Edmonton APRIL 4 next year (moving them around has breathed new life into the awards, hasn’t it?) . . . Beyonce Knowles has finally left her parents’ home and got her own place – 3 of them, actually – on Miami FL’s ‘Millionaire’s Row’, reportedly in preparation for her marriage to rapper Jay-Z (one for her, one for him, one for all his women?).

THIS YEAR Hollywood is serving up a record 25 sequels or prequels, and the biggest may be “The Matrix Reloaded” (MAY 15) and TODAY’S opening of the “X-Men” sequel. Mutant comic book characters ‘Wolverine’ (Hugh Jackman), ‘Magneto’ (Sir Ian McKellen), ‘Storm’ (Halle Berry) & ‘Rogue’ (Anna Paquin) are joined by ‘Pyro’ (Aaron Stanford), ‘Lady Deathstrike’ (Kelly Hu) & ‘Nightcrawler’ (Alan Cumming) in “X2: X-Men United”, which debuts in 93 countries simultaneously, the BIGGEST-EVER MOVIE OPENING, wider than “Harry Potter” or “Spider-Man” (the original “X-Men” raked in $294 million worldwide in 2000) . . . Also opening today – “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” starring Hilary Duff, a family comedy based on the popular Disney Channel TV series, has junior-high student ‘Lizzie’ traveling to Italy for summer vacation where more adventures & life lessons await.

Has ‘blonde’ become passé? Madonna has returned to her roots as a brunette, Britney Spears has a new chin-length brown ‘do, and Christina Aguilera’s hair is now black. What’s up with that?
• Blond – Who says all blondes are dumb? You excel in the subjects that you enjoy. You can,
however get nervous around strangers and babble a lot of sweet nothings. Home is your sanctuary and you can get very annoyed when anyone disturbs your peace. Overall, you’re a good person with good intentions.
• Brown – Nature’s your thing! Although other people light up your life, you definitely need time to yourself. You have an incredibly good memory for detail … when you choose to use it. Your nose really does know, you just have to trust it.
• Red – You’re not afraid to tell people what you think. As your hair color suggests, you have a fiery personality which has earned you many secret admirers and enemies. Beneath your outgoing personality you can surprise everyone by being sensitive. You stand up for your beliefs and are generally a ‘people person’.
• Black – You’re often very quiet but when you need to, you express your views and make sure everyone’s listening. Occasionally you let other people push you around. You’re a great person to talk to and a good counselor. You like to smile and when you do it lights up the life of those around you.
• No Hair – Either your raging testosterone has caused follicle fall-out from banging your cranium on the headboard or you’ve embraced the unappealing fashion of shaving your scalp slick in order to divert attention from the fact that male pattern baldness has struck at an early age. You’ll finally realize how silly you look when reviewing old photo albums 10 years from now.

• TOMORROW is the maiden flight of ‘Naked-Air’, a charter from Miami that will be the world’s first all-nude commercial flight. The travel agency that organized the event is charging $499 round-trip. All passengers are free to dump their duds once the aircraft reaches cruising altitude, but will be warned that ‘inappropriate behavior is not condoned’. The destination is an all-inclusive ‘Nude Week’ vacation at the El Dorado Resort & Spa in Cancun. (On this flight, you don’t wanna know what’s in the upright position.)
PHONER: 281-362-8785 (Castaways Travel, Spring TX)
• Not to be outdone, a strip bar called The Flight Club in Inkster, Michigan is planning to charter jets to Las Vegas complete with 20 exotic dancers and barely clad flight attendants. A $2,000 round-trip ticket also gets you 2 nights in a Sin City hotel.
PHONER: 734-641-2400 (The Flight Club)

Within 6 months product designer Murray Laidlaw hopes to have developed a prototype for a shopping cart with – GPS (Global Positioning System). The satellite-uplink will be installed in the cart handle to guide consumers directly to the products they are looking for, and will also suggest recipes, announce special offers, and calculate the quickest route around the store. Laidlaw says the device will make shopping trips less confusing and time consuming. (Unfortunately, he has yet to solve the wonky wheel problem.)

New research from Italy’s University of Naples suggest that air pollution from traffic damages sperm and reduces fertility in men. A study of toll-takers who spend 6 hours a day sitting in booths beside highways, showed their sperm was more feeble and less active. (Cool! In the future there will be fewer commuters!)

British scientists say they now have proof that fish feel pain. Dr Lynne Sneddon of the University of Edinburgh says her study proves that fish experience ‘adverse behavioral and physiological changes’, which fulfils the criteria for animal pain. In her experiment, trout that had venom injected into their lips (ow!!!) began a ‘rocking motion’ while rubbing their lips in the gravel of their tank. (Then they inexplicably turned their heads toward the scientists and began singing, “Take me to the river …”)

• More money is spent on gardening than on any other hobby. (‘Cause you have to keep replacing all the stuff that dies.)
• 1 out of every 3 Canadians and 1 out of every 7 Americans relies on the Great Lakes for fresh water. (Seen one lately? Scary!)


1962 [41] Ty Herndon, Meridian MS, country singer (“No Mercy”, “What Mattered Most”)

1962 [41] Nancy Harvey, Swift Current SK, LPGA golfer now based in Mesa AZ

1972 [31] The Rock (Dwayne Johnson), Hayward CA, movie actor (“The Scorpion King”, “The Mummy Returns”)/6′-5″ 272-lb WWF wrestler (record 6 WWF titles)  UP NEXT: Plays tough sheriff ‘Buford Pusser’ in a remake of “Walking Tall” (2004).

1933 [70] James Brown, Barnwell SC, soul/funk singer (“I Feel Good”)/’Hardest Working Man in Show Business’/’Godfather of Soul’/’Soul Brother Number One’

1946 [57] Greg Gumbel, New Orleans LA, CBS sportscaster/Bryant’s less obnoxious brother

1973 [30] Brad Martin, Greenfield OH, country singer (“One Of Those Days”, “Before I Knew Better”)

1974 [29] Dule Hill, Orange NJ, TV actor (President Bartlet’s personal aide Charlie Young-“The West Wing”)/movie actor (“Holes”, “Men of Honor”)

TODAY is “Sibling Appreciation Day”, a day to let brothers and sisters know you care. (Or maybe to add up all the times you got ratted on, your hair pulled, your dessert stolen – and get even!)

TODAY is “International Tuba Day”, saluting those who go through the hassle of handling a tuba. What do you call someone who plays a tuba? [A tubist.] You can play ‘Name That Tuba Tune’ with sound files available here (there’s nothing like “Waltzing Matilda“ on a tuba!) … NET:

TODAY is “International Telecommuting Day”, to encourage employers to develop programs for employees to work at home at least part of the time (aka ‘Work in Your Bathrobe Day’).

TOMORROW is “World Press Freedom Day”, as declared by the UN. (Celebrating the freedom of the press to get the whole story. (By being in bed with troops, for instance. Oh, it’s embedded?)

TOMORROW is “Significant Other Day”, sort of an anniversary celebration for unwed couples. (Meaning, the male half will forget.)

SUNDAY is “Weather Observers’ Day”, recognizing both pros and amateurs who follow the elements. (Yep, looks like we could get some rain.)

SUNDAY is the 8th annual “International Unmothers Day”, a day for women who’ve chosen NOT to bloat up like a blimp, NOT to wear goofy pants with a Lycra panel, and NOT to have stretch marks. A day to recognize that ‘a woman’s worth is not determined by motherhood alone’.

1670 [333] Canada’s oldest company, ‘Hudson Bay Co’, is chartered

1964 [39] 1st Canadian horse to win Kentucky Derby (Northern Dancer)

1967 [36] 1st time Toronto Maple Leafs play a game in MAY and the last time they won the Stanley Cup, beating Montréal 4 games to 2

1986 [17] ‘Expo ’86’ opens in Vancouver (22 million visit over the next 5 months)

1876 [127] 1st MLB ‘home run’ (Chicago White Stockings’ Ross Barnes vs Cincinnati Red Stockings)

1994 [09] 1st ‘gay wedding’ on TV series (‘Ron’ & ‘Erik’ on “Northern Exposure”)

2000 [03] 1st woman elected  to thoroughbred racing Hall of Fame (jockey Julie Krone)

1997 [06] Mike Myers’ “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” opens in theaters (spawns 2 sequels)

1991 [12] ‘Longest taxi ride’ leaves Nokia, Finland for 15-day, 14,414-mile trip to Spain and back with the meter running up a total cost $16,000 (not including tip)

1997 [06] 44-year-old Tony Blair becomes the UK’s youngest Prime Minister in 185 years

[Sat] Kentucky Derby 129
[Sat] Lumpy Rug Day
[Sat] Hug Your Cat Day
[Sun] Relationship Renewal Day
[Sun] Scrapbook Day
[Mon] National Cartoonist Day
[Mon] No Diet Day
[Mon] Melanoma Monday
This Month Is . . . Barbeque Month / Stroke Awareness Month

• Ability to levitate helium balloons.
• Lightning-fast mood swings.
• Ability to calm jittery squirrels.
• Can breathe soup!
• Really bendy thumb.
• Ability to communicate with corn.
• Magnetic colon.
• Making a 6-pack of Blue disappear.
• Super spelling!

Two hippos are down at the local water hole and one says to the other, “Look at you! You’re big and fat, lazy, covered in mud and don’t do anything all day.” The other one says, “Don’t be so hipp-o-crictical!”

Today’s Question: This is the #1 reason that guys say they would NOT get serious with a woman.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: If she slept over on the first date.

A fine is a  tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


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