Thursday, May 1, 2003              Edition: #2531
This Year’s Maypole is Wanda Padrewski. Congratulations!

TODAY the Pepsi-Cola contest “Play for a Billion” begins, which will evolve into a TV game show on the WB that guarantees at least a $1-million winner and a shot at the billion for 10 contestants (there’s a 1-in-1000 chance it will be won) . . . TONIGHT the Dixie Chicks’ North American tour begins in Greenville SC (it’ll be interesting to see how audiences respond after their anti-war stance) . . . Meantime, the Marshall Tucker Band plays Spartanburg SC as ‘an alternative’ to the Chicks to protest Natalie Maines’ remarks about president Bush (so much for freedom of speech) . . . According to a new Amazon online poll, actor Ralph Fiennes is the top choice to be the next ‘James Bond’, followed by – huh? – George Clooney (can you see him trying a Brit accent?) . . . With 3 dates left on the Canadian leg of their current tour, Pearl Jam has announced they’re buying up 1,400 sq mi of rainforest to counterbalance the environmental damage done by their tour vehicles and fans driving to gigs . . . Proving nothing exceeds like excess, Liza Minnelli has bought hubby David Gest a Mercedes for his 50th birthday & commissioned a 6-ft tall birthday cake (has she been drinking again?) . . . “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell will guest on an upcoming episode of “The Simpsons” as a nursery school admissions officer . . . And “Hustler” publisher Larry Flynt has initiated a search for a videotape that’s rumored to feature 21-year-old US first daughter Barbara Bush at one of Yale University’s notorious ‘naked parties’ (you can bet the FBI got the word to find it first).

Kirsten Dunst has been pictured in a wedding dress on the set of “Spider-Man 2″, causing speculation that her character ‘Mary Jane Watson’ will wed ‘Peter Parker’ in the sequel . . . THIS MONTH Disney begins shooting a new baseball movie starring comedian Bernie Mac called “Mr 3000″ that’s set in Milwaukee but will be shot in New Orleans (why dey do dat? – tax incentives!) . . . Nicole Kidman plays a woman on the run from gangsters in the 1930s-era film “Dogville”, set to premiere at Cannes . . . Meantime, the movie version of classic ’60s TV show “Bewitched” may co-star Nicole Kidman as nose-twitching ‘Samantha’ & Jim Carrey as her mortal husband ‘Darrin’ (wow, does this sound like a duel for camera attention!) . . . San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Terrell Owens will make his acting debut in “The Playmaker”, an upcoming sports drama starring Alec Baldwin . . . Actress Sigourney Weaver & director Ridley Scott may join forces for yet another “Aliens” film (that’d be #5) . . . After finishing up the final episodes of “Dawson’s Creek”, Katie Holmes will star in the romantic comedy “First Daughter”, playing a US president’s kid who falls into a fairytale romance at college (why don’t they just title it “Chelsea” and be done with it?) . . . And the writers of “X2: X-Men United’ (opening TOMORROW … had you heard?) have been signed to write an update of 1930s movie detective ‘Charlie Chan’, with “Charlie’s Angels” actress Lucy Liu both producing & starring.

A BS compendium of new ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say . . . exposing infants to continuous ‘white noise’ from one of those wave machines to soothe them and drown out other noises may delay their hearing & language development. (But their parents will live longer, ‘cause they’ll actually be able to get some sleep!)
• Scientists say . . . men can cut their risk of heart attack by 33% just by having sex 100 times per year. (Hey, that’s a pretty good return on an investment of only 100 minutes!)
• Scientists say . . . stressful jobs increase your chances of getting flu. Dutch researchers traced 8,000 employees over 3 years and discovered those who suffered from stress became ill twice as much as other employees. (No wonder [sportscaster] hasn’t taken a sick day in years!)

In her new book, “The 7 Lively Sins: How To Enjoy Your Life, Dammit”,  author Karen Salmansohn suggests we’d all be a lot happier if we lightened up and indulged in things that some might consider morally verboten. She claims the so-called ‘7 deadly sins’ can have a lot of positive benefits. For instance, ‘envy’ teaches us the things that we really want are attainable, and ‘anger’ can motivate us to change things that make us unhappy. For the record, the other sinful seven are ‘sloth’, ‘greed’, ‘pride’, ‘gluttony’ and – a personal fave – ‘lust’. But Salmansohn says the real sin is living a life full of guilt and denying yourself pleasure. (Wow, it seems sinning’s not only good for priests!)

Why do sailors in distress call out ‘Mayday’? In cases of ‘grave & imminent danger’ at sea, sailors signal for help by radioing the word ‘Mayday’ 3 times, then the ship’s name, position, the number of people aboard, and the type of emergency. The word is an anglicized version of the French word “m’aidez” (help me) and was officially adopted as the radiotelephone distress call by the International Radiotelegraph Convention in 1927.

• You know those little mini-bottles of booze you get on airplanes? 11 workers at NYC’s LaGuardia Airport have been charged with stealing them from a warehouse – 400,000 of them actually. (They were caught when they stopped at a party store and tried to buy a half-million teeny tiny ice cubes.)
• Town meetings in Shutesbury MA will soon be segregated – by smell. Deciding that using fragrances in public is similar to smoking, the town administrator has ruled the meeting chamber will be divided into 3 sections – one for those who regularly use fragrances, one for those who do but not on the day of the meeting, and a third section for people who NEVER use perfumes, scented deodorants or detergents. (You know – people who stink!)
• In Braunau, Austria an 11-year-old boy is recovering after getting his fingers stuck in a – condom machine. The local fire department had to destroy the machine in a movie theater restroom in order to free the poor lad’s hand. (The kid says he just wanted some of that cool chewing gum that seems to last forever.)
• A Scottish man has been sentenced to 4 weeks in jail for rolling around on the ground and getting intimate with – a traffic cone. If that’s not dumb enough, his defense was even stupider. He claimed in court that he only did it because he couldn’t get his hands on his favorite sex object – tennis shoes. (I always find the laces get in the w … er, oh that’s shocking!)

Children born in the month of MAY are on average 200 grams (about a half-pound) heavier at birth than children born in any other month. (Coincidently, most people nicknamed ‘Tubby’ celebrate their birthdays in May.)


1950 [53] Dann Florek, Flat Rock MI, TV actor (Capt Donnie Cragen-“Law & Order Special Victims Unit”)

1966 [37] Johnny Colt, Cherry Point NC, rock musician (Black Crowes-“Hard to Handle”)

1967 [36] Tim McGraw, Start LA, country singer (“Unbroken”, “Grown Men Don’t Cry”, “Don’t Take The Girl”)/2003 “American Music Awards” for ‘Favorite Country Male Artist’ & ‘Favorite Country Album’ (“Set This Circus Down”)/Mr Faith Hill

• “Mother Goose Day” (but don’t let her catch you or you’ll be grounded)
• “Save the Rhino Day” (and trade ‘em with your friends!)
• “National Teen Day” (well right … like uh, isn’t EVERY day?)
• “New Homeowner’s Day” (congratulations … got your repair manual yet?)
• “Couple Appreciation Day” (something to do with initiating a threesome?)
• “School Principals Day” (it’s a dirty job but some militaristic Nazi’s gotta do it!)

TODAY through May 19th is the 2003 “Canadian Tulip Festival” in Ottawa-Gatineau. This year’s fest salutes Australia’s tulips and its festivals. The Canadian Festival has grown into the largest in the world thanks to a gift of 100,000 tulip bulbs from Holland’s Princess Juliana (now the Queen Mother of the Netherlands who turned 94 YESTERDAY) in 1945 as thanks for providing a home during WWII.
PHONER: 613-567-4447 (Tulip Hotline)

TODAY is “National Law Day”, observed since 1958 to promote ‘equality and justice under the law’ and a darned good excuse to review the …
• ”I’ve got sorta bad news – I’m going to marry your ex-.”
• “I’m excited too, its my first case!”
• “I think I can get you your own cell.”
• “I’ve got sorta bad news – they’ve awarded her your testicles.”
• “The good news is you’re ugly so they won’t find you attractive in jail.”
• “Gee, I dunno. I never saw anything like this on ‘Law & Order’.”
• “It’s not so bad, the guys in D-block are really gentle!”

TODAY is “May Day”, a traditional holiday celebration since ancient times. Since 1889, “May Day” has been officially observed in some 66 countries as a labor holiday. The British still enjoy a “May Day” holiday, which was traditionally a Celtic festival called “Beltane”, when the beginning of summer was greeted with giant bonfires in honor of the sun. An old legend says freckles will disappear if washed with morning dew on this day. Another piece of folklore says that if you look into a well today, an image of your future mate will appear. In Hawaii, today is “Lei Day”, observed since 1928, when people give one another the gift of a kiss and a lei. (A fine tradition, but it’s a helluva long way to go for a lei.)

TODAY is the 7th annual “Space Day” celebration, a hi-tech educational event in which schools, museums and planetariums participate in a 3-hour Webcast interacting with NASA and various astronauts. This year’s theme is ‘Celebrating the Future of Flight’. Marc Garneau, former astronaut & Canadian Space Agency president promises Canada will have a record number of participants this year.

TOMORROW the 19th annual “Coors Light Lobster Race”, world’s only ‘thoroughbred lobster’ race, scuttles in Aiken, South Carolina. The ‘Running of the Lobsters’ features live Maine racing lobsters. (With little itty bitty teeny jockeys.)
PHONER: 803-649-9500 (Todd Stilp)

1967 [36] Elvis Presley marries Priscilla Beaulieu (divorced in 1973)

1889 [114] 1st ‘aspirin’, produced by Bayer Corp of Germany (even now, no one knows how it works but more and more doctors are recommending we take it for heart health)

1941 [62] ‘Cheerios’ cereal 1st introduced

1961 [42] 1st ‘airline hijacking’ (USA to Cuba)

1920 [83] After 8 hours, 22 minutes of play over 26 innings, ‘longest baseball game’ in major league history between Boston Braves and Brooklyn Robins is called a 1-1 draw

1978 [25] Steve Weldon slurps 100 yards of spaghetti in record 28.73 secs (Austin TX)

1991 [12] 44-year-old Texas Ranger Nolan Ryan pitches record 7th ‘no-hitter’ (beats Toronto Blue Jays 3-0)

[Fri] Sibling Appreciation Day (honoring the one mom always liked best)
[Fri] International Tuba Day (bring one in to the studio!)
[Sat] Kentucky Derby 129
[Sat] Hug Your Cat Day
[Sat] Inaugural Flight of ‘Naked-Air’ (Miami-Cancun)
[Sun] International UNmothers Day (for women who’ve chosen NOT to have kids)
[Mon] No Diet Day
[Mon] Melanoma Monday
This Week Is . . . Teacher Appreciation Week (aka ‘Kiss Up For Better Final Marks Week’)
This Month Is . . . Fungal Infection Awareness Month (aka ‘Excuse Me While I Upchuck Month’)


Before they were stars which job did the following female celebs have?
• Actress Ashley Judd (“Double Jeopardy”) –
a. Carpenter’s Assistant
b. Tour Bus Cleaner [CORRECT. Made 10 bucks a day from The Judds.]
c. Exotic Dancer

• Singer Faith Hill (“Breathe”) –
a. Farm Hand
b. Professional Basketball Player
c. Receptionist [CORRECT. At a music publishing company.]

• Singer Madonna (“Like a Virgin”) –
a. Dunkin’ Donuts Counter Person [CORRECT. In NYC’s Times Square.]
b. Insurance Sales Rep
c. Hooker

• “Sex & the City” star Kristin Davis –
a. 7-11 Store Clerk
b. Yoga Studio Owner [CORRECT]
c. Nun

• Actress Rene Russo (“Tin Cup”) –
a. Plumber
b. Eyewear Inspector [CORRECT]
c. Animal Trainer

• Actress Courteney Cox Arquette (“Friends”) –
a. Jell-O Wrestler
b. Real Estate Agent
c. Romance Novel Cover Model [CORRECT]

• Actress Michelle Pfeiffer (“Up Close & Personal”) –
a. Grocery Store Cashier [CORRECT]
b. Foot Model for Shoe Catalogues
c. Masseuse

• Actress Calista Flockhart (soon to be Mrs Harrison Ford)
a. ‘After’ Model in Diet Ads
b. Bouncer
c. Aerobics Instructor [CORRECT]

• Media magnate & talk show queen Oprah Winfrey (“Oprah”) –
a. Radio News Reporter [CORRECT. At WVOL Nashville TN.]
b. Kindergarten Teacher
c. Sumo Wrestler          

“What’s the absolute weirdest job you’ve ever heard of someone having?” (Just ran into a ‘Door-to-Door Urine Tester’ who collects urine samples from life insurance clients in order to confirm they’ve quit smoking and deserve a cheaper premium.)

• This program is guaranteed to be at least as much fun as sitting through a tax audit with a coat hanger in your pants.
• To try to contain the spread of SARS, Beijing officials have closed discos and karaoke bars. Finally, some good has come from this disease!

Today’s Question: Over 25% of women who’ve been to a sporting event say they’ve done THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Used the men’s washroom. Have you seen the line-ups at the women’s?

The only difference between a rut and a grave is depth.

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