Wednesday, May 29, 2002        Edition: #2307
Sheet Happens!

Italian fashion designer Giorgio Armani will be named an official UN Goodwill Ambassador in recognition of his work for Afghan refugees (some of the best-dressed refugees anywhere!) . . . You can add Usher to the list of anal-retentive performers – word up that he fines his dancers 10 bucks for every misstep during a show and one of his contract riders demands a ‘meditation room’ draped in black and lit with French candles . . . The newest fitness craze at health clubs in NYC and Boston is said to be — ‘Punk Rock Aerobics’ (as featured on the new fitness video ‘Skankin’ to the Sex Pistols’) . . . Just as the 1st “Harry Potter” hits video stores, director Chris Columbus has announced he will NOT direct the 3rd film in the series, “Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban”, because he’s lived in England long enough and wants to take his family home to the US . . . “Spider-Man” has now racked up a domestic box office total of $334.3 million, surpassing “Forrest Gump” to become the 6th biggest movie of all time.

• ‘Low Mow’ — The nickname for genetically-altered grass that’s designed to grow slower than regular grass so it requires less cutting and watering. Unfortunately, ‘low mows’ are still several years away from the commercial market. (You can also reduce mowing time by just re-naming your lawn – call it hay.)
• Salvage Style — The growing trend of using salvaged items in the home or garden in a way that wasn’t originally intended. For example, an old claw-foot bathtub used as a planter. There are actually several ‘design’ books on this. (I once used an old pair of undies when I was checking the oil on the car – does that count?)
• ‘Mississippi Ditch Weed’ — The demeaning term for the much-maligned medical marijuana grown by the US government. Aficionados says it has consistently low quality and is loaded with sticks and seeds. (How to get people off drugs – have the government supply them!)

Jon Balch, who runs Dorset Property Maintenance in Hampshire UK, says business is booming since he came up with the idea of having his window washers dress as — ‘Spider-Man’. Seems not just the customers like it, the Lycra costumes also inspire the workers to zip around finishing jobs in far less time. One says, “Sometimes I feel as if I don’t need the ladder.”

The United Arab Emirates has removed Kellogg’s products, including Corn Flakes, from its store shelves after it was allegedly discovered that they contain pork gelatin. Devout Muslims do not eat pork in any form. (Pork gelatin? Argghh, I think I’ll just stick with the coffee this morning!)

Seems there’s a real problem in Anchorage, Alaska with piles of dog doo in public areas. Municipal officials say they’re considering anything to get dog owners to clean up after their pets, including a commercially-made dispenser that puts a dab of peanut butter on poop piles — the thinking being dog owners will soon realize what their pooch is really eating. (“C’mere Rover, give mommy a big kiss!”)

Before the most recent fighting broke out, many Israelis gambled at a casino in the West Bank town of Jericho because gaming is illegal in Israel. So where to go now? The government has just given the go-ahead for ‘flying casinos’, specially-fitted planes run by an airline from Iceland. This allows the government to not only sidestep its own ban on gambling but generate about $50 million a year in revenue for the state. (Are you gonna trust a roulette wheel on an airplane? “Whoa, a bit of a change due to turbulence — the ball’s now on the other side at 56. Sorry.”)

An Egyptian food manufacturer has launched a line of potato chips with Yasser Arafat’s image on the packaging to help raise funds for Palestinians. Along with Arafat’s nom de guerre, ‘Abu Ammar’, the package somewhat bizarrely features a picture of the snack being trampled under his feet. (Yum, toe dip!)

YESTERDAY a scuba-diving couple got married in a shark-filled tank at Singapore’s Underwater World to protest the rising demand for the Chinese delicacy ‘shark fin soup’, which environmentalists claim is leading to the decimation of the world’s shark population. (After the ceremony, militant fish staged a demonstration to protest the rising shark demand for – scuba-diving couples.)

• A Kansas City man has pleaded guilty to armed robbery after police found his — PROSTHETIC LEG at the crime scene. They traced the suspect through the device’s serial number. (He was apparently armed — but not legged!)
• Seven female teachers at the Little Flower High School in South Africa’s Eastern Cape are in custody facing assault charges after allegedly punishing a 15-year-old girl for having a pornographic picture by forcing her — to have sex with a BANANA. (What would be the proper penalty for these freaks? We’re thinking of some kind of combination that includes the words ‘cruise missile’ and ‘wazoo’.)
• A Sheet Harbour NS family physician is appearing in Nova Scotia Supreme Court charged with 4 counts of indecent assault dating back to the 1970s. So far, one witness has testified that when he was suffering from the flu he was given a RECTAL EXAM. Another claims that when he when he complained about headaches, the demented doc demanded a SPERM SAMPLE. (If you ask us, this quack deserves to be plucked in prison.)
• Two men are suing 93.5 KORB-FM in Davenport, Iowa claiming the station has not paid $30,000 a year for 5 years to each of them as promised — for having the station logo PERMANENTLY TATTOOED on their foreheads. Seems air personality Ben Stone never considered that anyone would actually be stupid enough to actually do it. (Maybe they could cover over the logo with a giant ‘L’.)

• A US intelligence report says that a nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan could kill up to 12 million people and injure another 7 million.
• An investigation by the “Cleveland Plain Dealer” has found that at least 16 Catholic priests accused of sexually abusing children, including 12 priests in the US, have killed themselves since 1986. By the way, suicide is considered a sin by the Catholic church. (While molestation apparently isn’t.)


1903 [99] Bob (Leslie Townes) Hope, Eltham ENG, retired actor/comedian best known for his ‘Road’ pictures with Bing Crosby, his worldwide tours for the USO, and his 17 years as host of the Academy Awards/received honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II in 1998  NOTE: According to one biography, he may be as much as 2 years older than the usual year listed as his birth date (quick, somebody count his rings!)

1958 [44] Annette Bening, Topeka KS, film actress (“American Beauty”, “The American President”)/Mrs Warren Beatty (4 kids together)

1959 [43] Rupert Everett, Norfolk ENG, movie actor (“The Next Best Thing”, “Inspector Gadget”)  NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Colin Firth in Oscar Wilde’s period comedy “The Importance of Being Earnest”, now out in limited release

1961 [41] Melissa Etheridge, Leavenworth KS, rock singer (“I Want to Come Over”, “Come to My Window”)/separated from partner Julie Cypher after having 2 children, both artificially inseminated from David Crosby

1967 [35] Noel Gallagher, Manchester ENG, rock guitarist/songwriter (Oasis-“Hindu Times”, “Champagne Supernova”)/Liam Gallagher’s slightly less obnoxious brother

TODAY is the 9th annual “Senior Health and Fitness Day”, promoting fitness and exercise for mature adults. 150,000+ older adults are expected to participate in health promotion events at more than 1,500 local organizations. ‘Seniors Games’ are scheduled for some cities.

In England, TODAY is “Oak-Apple Day” or “Shick-Shack Day”, the anniversary of the restoration of Charles II to the British throne in 1660, traditionally marked by wearing an oak leaf or twig (because wearing the whole tree can cause back pain). The current Prince Charles has let it be known that if and when he becomes king, he’d rather be called ‘King George VII’ rather than ‘Charles III’ because the previous Charlies were lousy leaders – Charles I was beheaded, and Charles II fathered so many illegitimate children that he was known as the ‘Father of his People’.

1993 [09] LA Kings beat Toronto Maple Leafs 5-4 to advance to Stanley Cup final (Gretzky gets hat trick for record 8th time in playoff career)

1900 [102] Otis Elevator Co trademarks the name ‘Escalator’ (the other day when the power went off, [your co-host] was stuck on the escalator for 3 hours!)

1953 [49] Sherpa guide Tenzing Norkay allows his employer Sir Edmund Hillary to become 1st to scale Mt Everest (mountain climbers from Japan, South Korea and Georgia have cleared 2 tons of garbage from Mount Everest in the past 2 weeks, but that’s said to be only a fraction of the trash littering the world’s highest peak)

1988 [14] ‘Longest knitted scarf’ completed (20 miles, 13 feet)

1996 [06] Odd record set for ‘longest names of 2 starting pitchers in one MLB game’ (San Francisco Giant William VanLandingham and NY Met Jason Isringhausen – 37 letters)

[Fri] World Cup begin (South Korea/Japan)
[Fri] National Macaroon Day
[Sun] 56th Tony Awards
[Mon] Queen Elizabeth II’s Golden Jubilee Celebration
National Bathroom Reading Week
Good Car Keeping Month


• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• Your wife buys a flannel nightie and you find that sexy.
• You turn down free tickets to a concert because you have to work the next day.
• Grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• Jogging is something you do to your memory.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
• All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.

Phone contestant (preferably a kid) must finish the following old sayings –
• “Where there”s smoke there’s . . . (nope, not “pollution” — “fire”.)
• “Two’s company, three’s . . . (not “the Musketeers” — “a crowd”.)
• “You get out of something what you . . . (no, not “what you see pictured on the box” — it’s what you “put into it”.)
• “An idle mind is . . . (not “the best way to relax” — it’s “the devil’s workshop”.)
• “Never bite the hand that . . . (no, not “looks dirty” — it’s that “feeds you”.)

• “What’s the dumbest sports team name you’ve come across?” (The Albuquerque NM minor league baseball team is considering changing its name to the ‘Isotopes’, taken from an episode of “The Simpsons” that aired last season.)
• “Would you pay more taxes to ensure better health care in Canada?” (In a just-released nationwide Pollara poll, a whopping 69% said ‘yes’!)

Q: You have a problem with ants in your house. Should you —
a) Leave out a saucer of syrup so they’ll get really fat and can’t run from you?
b) Squirt a little lemon juice along the bottoms of doors and on window sills?
c) Get an anteater?
A: “The Old Farmer’s Almanac” says lemon juice will repel ants.

Q: Would you be more likely to see honeybees on your dandelions at —
a) 9am?
b) 1pm?
c) 4pm?
A: At 9am. At 1pm they’re calling on your red clover. Apparently, certain blossoms release more nectar at certain hours.

Q: Which is the largest snake —
a) The Anaconda?
b) The Python?
c) The Personal Injury Attorney?
A: The Anaconda can reach 40 feet long. Pythons grow to about 35 feet. Lawyers rarely reach 7 feet.

Q: You have decided to go into the lucrative sheep cheese and yogurt business. Will you want to import dairy sheep from —
a) Argentina?
b) Germany?
c) Nigeria?
A: East Friesians are the world’s most productive dairy sheep, just as Holsteins are the most productive dairy cows. Both come from the same region of Germany.

Q: Grasshoppers travel in a ‘cloud’ and sheep, goats, and camels in a ‘flock’. What is a group of elk called —
a) A gang?
b) A herd?
c) A whole mess?
A: A gang.

Q: If your voice had the same power in proportion to your weight as that of your canary, how far away could your kids hear you screaming —
a) 80 miles?
b) 800 miles?
c) All the way from the shower when they flush?
A: 800 miles.

Two of the following are true, one is total BS. But which one?
1. People that sleep less than 4 hours a night become more intelligent than the average 8-hour sleeper. (BS)
2. The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.
3. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.

Today’s Question: These things come in pairs and the right one is always just a little bit bigger.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Lungs.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.


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