Tuesday, May 28, 2002        Edition: #2306
Chaos, panic, and disorder — my work here is done!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
YESTERDAY Tiger Woods was in Toronto to promote the ‘American Express Tiger Woods’ credit card, which is being test-marketed in Canada . . . Thanks to blockbusters like “Spider-Man” and “Attack of the Clones”, Exhibitor Relations reports THIS YEAR’S movie box office is 22% ahead of last year’s record pace . . . Adam Sandler was said to be major pissed when Jack Nicholson, his co-star in the upcoming movie “Anger Management”, left the set at 5pm to catch an LA Lakers basketball game, meaning the rest of the cast and crew was left twiddling their thumbs until the game ended, then had to put in an all-nighter to make up for lost time (hey, the film’s called “Anger Management” – wily ol’ Jack was just giving them a lesson!) . . . Britain’s biggest pop star Robbie Williams has beaten Elvis, David Bowie and John Lennon to be voted the ‘Most Important Man in Music’ in a VH1 Europe poll (but he just can’t crack the North American market) . . . John Lennon’s son Julian is opening his own multi-million-dollar nightclub on the Mediterranean resort island of Majorca (this is what the idle rich do).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASE:
Sales began right after midnight this morning of the box office mega-hit “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” ($966 million worldwide), the DVD version of which includes interactive games, an interview with director Chris Columbus and a 360-degree self-guided tour of Hogwarts, among other goodies. It sold a record 1.25 million copies on its first day of release in the UK as a video and DVD, making it Britain’s fastest-selling video release.

FOR THE RECORD:
A 28-year-old Slovakian martial arts expert has pushed a 16-ton train car 250 feet using a pole attached to — his Adam’s apple. It was Robert Mikula’s 3rd attempt at the stunt and it comes a year after a Hungarian died attempting the same challenge. The “Guinness Book of World Records” will NOT be recognizing the feat, however, saying it’s just too dangerous. Mikula’s next gig – pulling a 60-ton boat on a chain held between his teeth!

FORCES CROSS THEIR HEARTS:
According to the Department of National Defence ‘bra allowance’ that came into force APRIL 2, the Canadian Armed Forces will pick up the tab for 4 bras a year for female troops, and soldiers going overseas get double. However, the program isn’t retroactive, so troops sent to Afghanistan before April will only be entitled to 4 bras when they get back. Just think, somewhere in a government office, some simple servant has to keep track of all this. Come to think of it, there’s likely a whole building full of people to do it. (You used to only see veterans ‘in their cups’ at the Legion.)

CAMPUS RUTTING SEASON:
Researchers at the University of Alberta say extract from elk antlers may be a safer, natural alternative to Viagra. In fact, elk horn capsules raised the testosterone levels of test athletes so high they stopped taking them for fear they’d be charged with using banned anabolic steroids. (In my case, ‘elk horn’ may be exaggerating. ‘Snail antenna’ is more like it.)

LIFE 101:
Forget what you learned in school, what do you REALLY need to know to make it through your life? That’s what Washington DC author Homer Moyer examines in his book called “The Real-World Aptitude Test”. Among the topics covered – basic cooking, etiquette, money management, first aid, alcohol abuse and how to figure out time zones. Let’s see how you do –
• Name 2 safety rules to follow when using power tools.
• How do you treat poison ivy?
• What types of bank accounts earn interest?
• What’s the best way to dry a wool sweater?
• Which of the following does a microwave NOT cook well — popcorn, fresh bread, leftovers, or vegetables?

VARIETY IS AN EXTRA SLICE OF LIFE:
People who spend more of their working lives in jobs where they have few opportunities to decide what work to do and how to go about doing it tend to DIE earlier than employees given more decision-making opportunities, according to new research. (This is why the boss will outlive you.)

BBQ TIP:
Bruce Aidells, author of “The Complete Meat Cookbook”, recommends you use the ‘hand test’ to check if your grill is ready to use. Hold your palm just above rack level in the high-heat zone, he says, and if it becomes too hot by the count of two, it’s time to BBQ. (If you find you’re left with a shapeless lump of charred protoplasm dangling from your right arm, turn the grill down one setting.)

SPACE DUMP:
The journal “Nature” reports that some 2,000 tonnes of garbage have been left in space over the past 45 years. It’s estimated there are about 100,000 objects in orbit, including everything from ballpoint pens to camera lens caps. And its dangerous — a coin traveling at 10 km a second through space has the same energy on impact as a small bus doing 100 km an hour on the ground! (Forget the shuttles, send up a Dumpster!)

BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• They’re naked and upset in Rome! Naturists are protesting the extreme security precautions for TODAY’ S NATO summit of heads of state that has forced the closure of nearby Capocotta beach – a favorite haunt of Italian nudists. (Y’know they may have a point — where’s a naked guy gonna hide weapons?)
• Forgers in Chile actually lost money after printing thousands of fake Argentinean banknotes. Due to the country’s economic crisis the value of the Argentine peso has plummeted, so when police smashed a counterfeit ring they found bills that cost more in special paper and ink than they were worth. (Curly, Larry and More are awaiting sentencing.)
• If the mayor of Corleone in Sicily gets his way, the town will soon begin capitalizing on its name that was made infamous by the “Godfather” movies. He is proposing to have ‘Corleone’ trademarked and used on the town’s local wines and cheeses. (And the new town coat of arms will feature the head of a horse.)
• Australian Rules Football authorities have reprimanded a player for kissing an opponent instead of punching him. 28-year-old Damien Davies of the Caloundra Panthers was charged with misconduct for kissing opponent Josh Bennett on the cheek after an altercation during a recent match. (Now the NY Mets are apparently interested in signing him.)

THE BULL SHEET 05.28.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [68] Dionne Quintuplets (Annette, Cécile, Émilie (D-1954), Marie (D-1970), and Yvonne
(D-2001), Corbeil ON, famous siblings exploited as tourist attraction in the 1930s

1944 [58] Gladys Knight, Atlanta GA, oldies singer (“Midnight Train to Georgia”)

1944 [58] Rudolph Giuliani, Brooklyn NY, former NYC Mayor (1994-2001) whose performance during and after the 9/11 terrorist attacks earned him recognition as “Time” magazine’s ‘Person of the Year 2001′, A&E’s ‘Biography of the Year 2001′, and a spot on “People” magazine’s list of ‘25 Most Intriguing People of the Year 2001′  NOTE: He hosted the HBO documentary “In Memoriam: New York City, 9/11/01″ that premiered SUNDAY

1945 [57] John Fogerty, Berkeley CA, oldies singer (“Centerfield”, CCR-“Who’ll Stop the Rain”)

1964 [38] Christa Miller, NYC, TV actress (Kate O’Brien-“The Drew Carey Show”, since 1995)

1968 [34] Kylie Minogue, Melbourne AUS, pop singer (“In Your Eyes”, “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”)/occasional actress (“Moulin Rouge”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY the names of several more Canadian celebrities will be unveiled on Canada’s “Walk of Fame” in Toronto’s theater district. 2002 inductees include Wayne Gretzky, the Tragically Hip,
actor Dan Aykroyd, music producer David Foster, game show host Monty Hall, director Arthur
Hiller, comedy troupe SCTV, Cirque du soleil, painter Alex Colville and author Timothy Findley.
Big band leader Guy Lombardo will be honored posthumously. The walk’s annual gala will be held at the Princess of Wales Theatre.

TONIGHT the Toronto Maple Leafs must once again do or die in Game 6 of the Eastern Final at Toronto’s Air Canada Centre. Their backs are against the wall, they’re behind the 8-ball, it’s now or never, there’s no tomorrow as the Carolina Hurricanes lead the best-of-seven series 3-2.

THIS MONTH is “National Allergy Month”. More than 6 million Canadians are allergy sufferers.
More than half say they begin getting symptoms in mid-May and over 20% describe their symptoms as ‘very severe’.

ON THIS DAY . . .
1997 [05] ‘Miss Canada International’ Danielle House goes to court over charges she slugged another woman in a St John’s bar (later sentenced to appear naked in “Playboy”)

1998 [04] Brantford ON-born actor Phil Hartman of “NewsRadio” is victim of murder/suicide by his wife

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1742 [260] 1st ‘indoor swimming pool’ opens in London (the next day the 1st butt is flicked with a wet towel)

1897 [105] ‘Jell-O’ 1st introduced (5 actual Jell-O flavors that flopped — celery, coffee, cola, apple, chocolate)

1926 [76] 1st ‘Canada Pension Plan’ approved (you know, the thing that’s gonna run out before we get any)

1939 [63] 1st ‘Batman’ comic books

1995 [07] Jacques Villeneuve becomes 1st Canadian to win “Indianapolis 500″

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1974 [28] ‘Upside-down flight’ record is set at 2 hours, 15 minutes (hope this wasn’t a commercial flight!)

1977 [25] AJ Foyt becomes 1st driver to win 4 “Indianapolis 500″ auto races

1987 [15] Paul Pearman jumps over 21 barrels on a skateboard (Augusta GA)

1990 [12] Longest bicycle ‘wheelie’ lasts 5 hours, 12 minutes (David Robilliard-UK Channel Islands)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Senior Health & Fitness Day
[Fri] World Cup begins (S Korea/Japan)
[Fri] National Macaroon Day
[Sun] 56th Tony Awards
[Mon] Queen Elizabeth II’s Golden Jubilee Celebration
National Water Month
Stroke Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:

• Why is it that everybody in the supermarket express lane always picks out one item that has no price tag?
• Does it hurt to be on the ‘cutting edge’?
• Do birds of a feather flock together so they can crap ALL over your car?
• Have you ever noticed how ‘nothing is impossible’ for those who don’t have to DO it?
• Why is it that any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right there’s a 90%
probability you’ll get it wrong?

ACTUAL ACCIDENTS REPORTED BY EMERGENCY ROOMS:
• Hundreds of people are injured every year by not removing all pins from new shirts.
• Cuts and stabbings often occur from people using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
• People needing broken pieces of plastic toys removed from the soles of their feet are quite common.
• Several hundred cases of injury caused by people opening bottles of beer with their teeth are reported annually.
• Each year several people crack their skulls after falling asleep while throwing up in the toilet.
(And what’s the dumbest injury you’ve ever heard of?)

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Who have you seen naked but wish you hadn’t?”
• “Do you know someone with a name that sounds goofy backwards?” (Our fave so far is Ken Elppin. Backwards he’s ‘Nipple Nek’.)

DOG DANCING:
This could be a fun activity when your station’s on location – over the weekend, the World Canine Freestyle Organization held the ‘Motown Bow Wow Boogie’ in suburban Detroit. It’s a competition for combination CANINE-HUMAN dance teams. And they get serious about it. In fact, the WCFO’s national championship is coming to Davisburg MI the first weekend of November.

WHO SAID IT?
“I’m always looking for things that are different, unexpected. I don’t like doing the normal, usual things. I get bored easily.”
a) Toronto Maple Leaf goalie Curtis Joseph.
b) TV sitcom star Drew Carey.
c) Magician David Blaine.
A: It was Drew Carey.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: From the shallow pages of “Cosmo”, 40% of women say that no matter what, this is mandatory when looking for the right man.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Perfect eyes.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
There are 3 types of people — those who can count and those who can’t.

BONUS!!!
Tell a colleague about BS. We’ll add ONE FREE MONTH to your subscription for each new subscriber you recommend.

 


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