Friday, May 24, 2002                                      Edition: #2304
Warning! The program normally heard at his time is not normally normal.

TODAY Paul McCartney opens a 3-month exhibition of his paintings, sculptures and photos in his hometown of Liverpool (the guy’s everywhere these days!) . . . Meantime, the latest rumor is that Sir Paul will now wed Heather Mills in early JUNE in Ireland . . . TOMORROW 31-year-old stupormodel Claudia Schiffer will wed British film producer Matthew Vaughn at their newly-purchased $7-million English estate, Coldham Hall, with 300 bottles of 1955 Dom Perignon ordered for the — 300 expected guests (seems like a good ratio) . . . For his next big stunt scheduled for FEBRUARY, pole-sitting magician David Blaine will be chained and handcuffed and thrown from London’s Tower Bridge into the Thames (unless they clean it up, he may bounce off) . . . Word is “Friends” star Matthew Perry has been secretly seeing soft porn actress Krista Allen ever since his pal George Clooney dumped her 2 months ago (that did say ‘dumped’, didn’t it – yeah that was it) . . .  Arnold Schwarzenegger and wife Maria Shriver couldn’t find a suitable rental to live in while their humongous Pacific Palisades compound is being renovated so they BOUGHT an $11 million temporary home in Brentwood CA (seems his rumored $35-million fee for “Terminator III” came in useful) . . . And the Britney/Justin thing is apparently now finished for good — honest — since SHE found out HE flew to Miami with dancer Jenna Dewan LAST WEEK for Janet Jackson’s 36th birthday bash featuring nude dancers.

Jennifer Lopez kicks major butt in the thriller “Enough” as a long-suffering wife chased by her abusive husband who finally decides there’s only one way to get away from him — kill him! . . . Al Pacino, Robin Williams & Hillary Swank star in the crime thriller “Insomnia”, the story of a famous cop who accidentally kills his partner and is blackmailed by the sadistic killer who witnessed it (no joking around for Williams in this one) . . . The DreamWorks animated family Western “Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron” follows a wild stallion as he travels across the Old West befriending a young human and finding true love with a mare (narration by Matt Damon).

A Medical College of Pennsylvania study finds that up to 40% of a person’s irritability and aggressiveness may be genetic. (The other 60% is caused by stupid things her idiot husband does.)

An Austrian company is offering some wild sex tours! For about $100, Austria Nature Tours offers speciality tours through the Alpine heartland to spy on the love life of — local birds. And if that’s doesn’t get your blood pumping, the company also offers a special tour on the ‘love life of plants’. (Wow, it’s “Debbie Does Daisies”!)

Internet service Divorce-Online says an unnamed man is using the service to divorce his wife because — she insists on sleeping in bed with 2 ferrets every night. The husband also complains his wife of 34 years spends more time with her pets than him and has filed for divorce on grounds of ‘unreasonable behavior’. (Hey buddy, one ferret is enough – if it’s still active.)

A study on TV viewing habits by researchers at the London Business School finds the urban legend is true — men almost always seize control of the TV remote, even if they’re not planning to change the channel. In many cases it was observed that when a man was watching a program his wife had chosen, he still had to hold on to the remote even though he was not using it. (What’s up with this anyway? Do male TV viewers need a 12-step program?)

Researchers at Purdue University have invented ‘beer-flavored french fries’. By taking most of the moisture out of beer and turning the remains into powder they say the residue can be used to flavor dips, sauces, breads, batter or, yes, even fries. Although freeze-dried beer has been developed before, this is thought to be the first time beer has been developed as a spice. (We have a simpler way to add beer flavoring to everything – drink a case of beer, wake up the next morning.)


1941 [61] Bob Dylan (Zimmerman), Duluth MN, folk/rock/pop singer/songwriter (“Like a Rolling Stone”)/1991 Lifetime Achievement Grammy Award/Rock and Roll Hall of Fame-1988

1945 [57] Priscilla Presley, Brooklyn NY, ex-Mrs Elvis Presley (1967-73)/Elvis Presley Enterprises chairman/sometime film/TV actress (“Naked Gun” series)

1960 [42] Kristin Scott Thomas, Redruth ENG, movie actress (“Gosford Park”, “The English Patient”, “Mission: Impossible”)

1967 [35] Heavy D (Dwight Myers), Mount Vernon NY, 260-lb hip hop artist (“Heavy”)/TV actor (Bob Lick-“Boston Public”)/movie actor (“The Cider House Rules”)

1988 [14] Billy Gilman, Westerly RI, country singer (“Oklahoma”, “One Voice”)/youngest-ever Grammy Award nominee at age 12 in 2001/’Best New Country Artist’-2001 American Music Awards

1944 [58] Frank Oz (Oznowicz), Hereford ENG, Muppeteer (voice of ‘Yoda’-“Star Wars: Episode 2- Attack of the Clones”, ‘Fungus’-Monsters Inc, and of Muppets ‘Miss Piggy’, ‘Fozzie Bear’, ‘Animal’, ‘Bert’, ‘Grover’, and ‘Cookie Monster’)/movie director (“The Score”, “Bowfinger”)

1963 [39] Mike Myers, Scarborough ON, movie actor (“Shrek”, “Austin Powers” series, “Wayne’s World”)  NEXT MOVIES: “Austin Powers in Goldmember” coming JULY 26, “The Cat in the Hat”, and “Shrek 2″

1969 [33] Anne Heche, Aurora OH, film actress (“John Q”, “6 Days 7 Nights”)/Ellen DeGeneres’ ex-partner

TODAY is “National Escargot Day”, celebrating the only gourmet food you can harvest off your driveway.

TODAY is “Morning Radio Wise Guy Day”, honoring you dedicated fools who get up before 5 am to start the day with humor, music and information.

TOMORROW is “Flirting Day” (aka ‘Get Your Ass Slapped With a Sexual Harassment Suit Day’).

TOMORROW is “National Missing Children’s Day”, promoting awareness of the problem and safety tips for kids and parents.

TOMORROW is “National Tap Dance Day”, honoring the birthday of Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, ‘King of Tap Dancers’, in 1878.

SUNDAY is the 86th “Indianapolis 500″, known as ‘The Greatest Spectacle in Racing’. Movie actor Jim Caviezel will drive the Corvette pace car for this year’s event. (Did you know pit crew guys do it in 7 seconds?)

1901 [101] 1st  annual ‘Victoria Day’ holiday as designated by PM Wilfrid Laurier after the death of the queen earlier in the year

1932 [70] CBC established (next day, the first layoffs are announced)

1935 [67] 1st baseball game ‘under the lights’ as Reds beat Phillies 2-1 at Cincinnati’s Crosley Field

1982 [20] Christina Samane of South Africa gives birth to heaviest known baby — a 22-lb, 8-oz boy (she names him UMMPPHHHH)

1986 [16] Montreal Canadiens defeat Calgary Flames 4-3 to capture franchise’s 23rd Stanley Cup, at the time most championships by any North American pro sports team (they add another in ‘93, but NY Yankees have since added 4 World Series championships for a total of 26)

1986 [16] Reginald Huffstetler treads water for record 98.5 hrs (my heck, I’ve been doing it for years!)

1988 [14] John Moschitta sets Guinness World Record for ‘fast talking’ — 586 words per minute

[1 week today] World Cup of soccer begins (S Korea/Japan)
[Mon] Memorial Day/National Hamburger Day (it’s estimated 60 million lbs of beef will be cooked across the USA)
[Mon] National Ancestor Honor Day
[Mon] 50th Stratford ON Shakespearean Festival opens
[Tues] “Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone” released on VHS/DVD
[Tues] Canada’s Walk of Fame enshrinement gala
[Wed] Senior Health & Fitness Day
Safe Boating Week
Backyard Games Week
Revise Your Work Schedule Month (sleep in till 5 am!)
Senior Citizens Month


You tell the story line by line while a phone contestant or studio guest supplies the sound effects as best they can. Today’s story is called – “The Big Date”
    You’re all excited about your blind date with Bunny. In fact, you’re alternating between whistling a happy tune [SFX] and hyperventilating [SFX]. You shave with your electric razor [SFX], fix your hair by spitting on your comb [SFX], then dress quickly, hurrying to zip up your pants [SFX] and accidently getting caught in the fly [SFX]. You hobble out to the garage to start your car but the engine won’t turn over [SFX]. You try again [SFX] and again [SFX]. Finally the battery wears down and goes dead [SFX]. You whip out your cell phone to call a cab but discover it’s not recharged and all you get is static [SFX]. Then you decide to use the phone in the house and run to the front door [SFX], then mumble to yourself when you discover you’ve locked yourself out and the keys are inside [SFX]. You’re going to be late so in desperation you steal the next door neighbor kid’s skateboard and take off down the street [SFX], straight into a lamp post [SFX]. As you regain consciousness, you look up to see Bunny going by in a convertible, giggling at the guy driving [SFX], who turns out to be [your co-host]! As he passes by, he flips you the bird and yells [SFX]!

Q: What is the lowest starting position from which a driver has won the “Indianapolis 500″ since 1946?
a) 10th
b) 25th
c) 1st
A: 25th. Johnny Rutherford in 1974.

Q: You’re driving in the “Indianapolis 500″. What command do you hear exactly 9 minutes before the race begins?
a) “Fasten your seatbelts!”
b) “Start your engines!”
c) “Clean up your pits!”
A: “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

Q: 2002 “Indianapolis 500″ pole-position qualifier Bruno Junqueira made his “Indianapolis 500″ debut in which year?
a) 2001
b) 1997
c) 1934
A: 2001. He’s a quick learner.

Q: Emerson Fittipaldi was the last Indy winner to do this in 1989 —
a) Lap the entire field.
b) Win on a flat tire.
c) Puke milk in the victory circle.
A: He was the last “Indianapolis 500″ winner to lap the entire field.

Two of the following are actual supermarket tabloid headlines. One is total BS, but which?
GAME #1 —
• “Hockey Pucks Good Source of Protein!” (FAKE)
• “Miracle Baby Crawls on Water!”
• “Einstein Was a Chick Magnet!”

GAME #2 —
• “Gal Coughs Up 4 1/2 Pound Hairball — During Job Interview!”
• “Siamese Twins Give Birth to Siamese Kittens!” (FAKE)
• “Man Gets Sex Change — By Mistake!”

GAME #3 —
• “Donkey Man Banned From Drive-in Movies!”
• “Stairway to Heaven Found!”
• “New York Mets Reveal Entire Team is Gay!” (FAKE)

GAME #4 —
• “Dead Grandfather’s Image Appears on Ultrasound of Fetus!”
• “Severed Thumb Found Hitchhiking on Highway!” (FAKE)
• “Swimming Pig Saves Boy From Watery Grave!”

Today’s Question: Over the past 10 years, these have become 3 times bigger.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Bathrooms.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

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