Thursday, May 16, 2002        Edition: #2298
May the Farce Be With You!

TODAY “Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones” opens in a worldwide simultaneous release (had you heard?) which is expected to eventually gross more than $400 million in the US and double that worldwide . . . But thanks to bootleg versions on the Internet, it’s estimated a million people have already seen the “Clones” movie before it opens, an unprecedented pre-release audience . . . TONIGHT Cher will play the role of ‘God’ when she appears on “Will and Grace”, her 2nd guest appearance on the hit sitcom (actually the first appearance for parts of her) . . . FOX-TV dropped John Wayne Bobbitt from LAST NIGHT’S taping of “Celebrity Boxing 2” because he was arrested for beating up his wife MONDAY (trash will out) . . . Music download dotcom Napster, which once had nearly 90 million registered users, is expected to file for bankruptcy at any moment . . . Comedian/actress Lily Tomlin will become ‘President Bartlet’s’ new secretary on NEXT WEEK’S season finale of “The West Wing”, replacing the late ‘Mrs Landingham’ (will she also run the switchboard like her old stand-up character ‘Ernestine’?) . . . “Los Angeles Daily News” reports this is the most crowded year ever for aging rock stars on tour, however the wrinkle rockers are competing for ever-smaller chunks of the pie as their core baby boomer audience simply doesn’t show up for many concerts anymore compared to younger fans . . . And 33 years after he left Cal State-Long Beach, Steven Spielberg has finally finished getting his college degree and plans to attend graduation ceremonies in cap and gown MAY 31ST.

Guelph ON-born actress and former National Ballet School of Canada member Neve Campbell will produce and co-star in “The Company”, a large ensemble project about ballet dancers which may be directed by Robert Altman . . . Gwyneth Paltrow has fallen for her leading man – again — dating Aaron Eckhart who plays her lover in the upcoming movie “Possession” (previous co-star bfs have included Luke Wilson [“Royal Tenenbaums”], Ben Affleck [“Bounce”], and Brad Pitt [“Seven”]) . . . Sylvester Stallone will star in a new crime thriller called “Shade”, about a gang of ‘poker hustlers’ working Los Angeles clubs . . . Ben Kingsley will star in “A Sound of Thunder”, a bigscreen adaptation of Ray Bradbury’s short story about a game hunter who travels back in time to hunt dinosaurs (wow, “Jurassic Park 27″!) . . . Word is one scene for the upcoming “Austin Powers in Goldmember” will be shot in Ozzy Osbournes’ house (ok, this is now getting stupid) . . . Director Michael Mann (“Ali”) will write, produce and possibly direct a bigscreen version of the ’80s TV cop series “Miami Vice”, which he originally helped to make a hit . . . And the Farrelly brothers, who brought us the comedy flicks “Something About Mary” and “Shallow Hal”, are developing a movie about “The Three Stooges” and are said to be wooing Robert De Niro to play Moe, but he hasn’t said yes yet (how about John Goodman as Curly and Brendan Fraser as Larry?).

One of the world’s top experts on mosquitoes, Harvard professor Andrew Spielman, says blondes and redheads might be more attractive to skeeters for the same reason they turn
heads at parties — they stand out in a crowd. Mosquitoes are attracted to contrasts, he says, but that’s not all – research shows that ovulating women, people with smelly feet, and those who sweat a lot are also good eatin’ for skitters.

A new study at the University of Nebraska shows that telemarketers are more likely to permanently lose their voices than people who work in other professions. (Ah, there is justice!)

• Lithuania has scrapped a goofy law ordering women to undergo gynecological examinations to qualify for a — driver’s license. The Health Ministry has declared the rule discriminatory since men aren’t asked to take an equivalent medical test. (However, to even things up, they may ask men to turn on their headlights and cough.)
• Doug Friedline, the guy who managed Jesse Ventura’s successful campaign for governor of Minnesota, is now spearheading a ‘Draft the Boss’ movement in New Jersey to persuade Bruce Springsteen to run for the US Senate. (So far, the Boss has not indicated if he’s “Born to Run”.)
• Students at DeLand High School in Florida were sent home early on MONDAY after senior students apparently brought 8 beehives on campus and 80,000 bees swarmed. The principal says the prank could have been dangerous. After all, he’s allergic to bee stings!
• A convicted arsonist in Portage la Prairie MB who was ordered to serve out his sentence at his mother’s house has now been sent to jail after the court discovered she’s been living in a seniors’ home — since he burned down her house last year!
• A Cupertino CA woman says a mysterious thief has been stealing the roses from her backyard for the past 2 weeks — wearing a dog suit. (But it’s not the filched flowers she’s upset about, it’s the scooping up afterward.)


1953 [49] Pierce Brosnan, Navan IRE, movie actor (“The Tailor of Panama”, “The World Is Not Enough”, “Tomorrow Never Dies”)  NEXT FILM: Will again play ‘Bond, James Bond’ in the 20th ‘007′ film “Die Another Day” opening NOVEMBER 22

1954 [48] Dafydd (Dave) Rhys-Williams, Saskatoon SK, NASA space shuttle astronaut (STS 90)

1966 [36] Janet Jackson, Gary IN, pop singer (“All For You”) who has sold over 40 million albums worldwide/sometime actress (“Nutty Professor II: The Klumps”)/9th and youngest child in dysfunctional Jackson family

1971 [31] David Boreanaz, Buffalo NY, TV actor (Angel/Angelus-“Angel”) who was ‘discovered’ while walking his dog

1973 [29] Tori Spelling, Beverly Hills CA, bug-eyed, plastic-chested actress (“Scary Movie 2″, “Scream 2″)/ex-TV actress (“Beverly Hills 90210″)/producer Aaron Spelling’s spoiled-rotten daughter  NEXT MOVIE: The comedy “Naked Movie” in which she plays – herself

TODAY is “International Wear Something Purple for Peace Day”, the first ‘intergalactic holiday’ as declared by a wacko group called ‘The Moderns’ who contend aliens will not communicate with Earth due to our violent nature.  (I tried to keep the peace in a bar fight last night so I’m wearing a purple shiner around my favorite eye.)

TODAY is “Biographers Day”, a day to start reading or writing a biography. What would you call yours?

SATURDAY is the beginning of “International Pickle Week”, which actually lasts 10 days and honors the ‘world’s most humorous vegetable’ (zucchini is threatening to sue). The annual “Pickle Fest” will be celebrated in ‘Pickle City’ — Atkins, Arkansas — THIS WEEKEND even though the local pickle plant closed down May 1. This is the home of the ‘fried dill pickle’ and the ‘World Champion Pickle Juice Drinking Contest’.
PHONER: 501-641-2363 (Sue Berkemeyer)

1866 [136] 1st ‘root beer’ created (Charles Elmer Hires)

1929 [73] 1st ‘Academy Awards’ (“Wings” wins ‘Best Picture’)

1965 [37] ‘Spaghetti-Os’ 1st marketed (pink goo in a can)

1995 [07] 1st ‘on-line interview’ of a Canadian PM (Jean Chrétien at “Maclean’s” Website)

2000 [02] 1st US First Lady to run for public office as Hillary Rodham Clinton is nominated to run for US Senator in NY (and later wins of course)

2000 [02] Britney Spears’ “Oops . . . I Did It Again” album is released and sets 1-week sales record for female artists with 1.3 million copies, according to Soundscan

[Fri] Pack Rat Day (what’s the strangest thing you refuse to throw out?)
[Fri] 29th Daytime Emmy Awards
[Fri] National Bike to Work Day (if you’re a Hell’s Angel, you do it EVERY day)
[Sat] 127th Running of the Preakness Stakes (most spectacular display of horse flesh this side of a French restaurant)
[Sat] American Armed Forces Day
Older Americans Month
[Mon] Victoria Day (aside from “Canada Day”, the only exclusively Canadian holiday)
Historic Preservation Week AND National Nursing Home Week (coincidence?)
National High Blood Pressure Month


• “Episode 2: Mr Lucas Wants A Bigger Boat”
• “The Toys-R-Us 2002 Christmas Catalogue”
• “Sense This, Spidey!”
• “Just Hand Over the Wallet and Nobody Gets Hurt”
• “Come To Papa, You Geeks”

Here’s a fun name generator you can use to give listeners their ‘Star Wars Name’

If TODAY is your birthday, you are a Taurus. You may feel self-pity or temporarily down in the dumps today, as any minor hiccup can upset you. So watch TV — maybe “Survivor” — and then you will realize there are bigger losers in the world. Today you will discover that you are capable of channelling when you start spouting ancient Sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You have a real chance to make something good happen in your personal or professional life today — but then, knowing you, maybe not.
• Aries — Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big
dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was ‘act like a dog’ day, you might have been better prepared.
• Gemini – This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a ‘loan piranha’ at first.
• Cancer – Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with come new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
• Leo — Today you will order the dinner special at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
• Virgo — You’ve been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you’ve been having trouble with your romantic relationships?
• Libra — Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
• Scorpio — Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
• Sagittarius — This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line.
• Capricorn — Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn’t it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
• Aquarius — People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
• Pisces — Today will be mostly OK, except that you’ll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase ‘Careful, filling is hot!’.

Each of the 2 words in the answers to the following begins with ‘L’.
• Once he was married to Julia Roberts, now he’s co-starring in the new movie comedy “The New Guy”. (Lyle Lovett)
• This is the part of the body that’s said to ‘sink ships’. (Loose lips)
• This is the name of the vehicle that astronauts used to land on the Moon. (Lunar lander)
• You have one of these if your boyfriend speaks Spanish and carries a rose in his teeth. (Latin lover.)
• This is Liza Minelli’s half-sister who probably won’t be attending Liza’s Broadway comeback either. (Lorna Luft)
• This is where you learn to play baseball when you’re a kid. (Little League)
• She’s the “Coal Miner’s Daughter” of country music fame. (Loretta Lynn)

Q: What do you call a person who lives in Canada’s Nunavut territory?
A: A Nunavut resident is known as a ‘Nunavummiut’.

Q: You have an uncle who is a ‘stubble-jumper’. What does he do for a living?
A: He’s a Canadian prairie farmer.
Source for both: “Canadian Oxford Dictionary”

Q: What does 32-year-old Mike Bolt guard 24 hours a day for more than 200 days a year?
A: He’s the official ‘Stanley Cup keeper’ who tours with the trophy to make sure it is returned safely to the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Q: Which are there more of in the Prairie provinces – hogs or humans?
A: According to new StatsCan figures released YESTERDAY, there are now 5.68 million hogs in Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Alberta, compared to just over 5 million humans.

• “Where’s the strangest place you have ever fallen asleep?”
• “Your partner buys you an outfit you can’t stand — what do you do?”

Today’s Question: You will find these on 67.5% of men.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Briefs.

We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.


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