Thursday, May 22, 2008        Edition: #3781
Accept No Substitutes, Ask For 100% Pure BS!

Men of the world weep – it’s now been confirmed that 27-year-old actress Jessica Alba married her 31-year-old producer-boyfriend Cash Warren MONDAY in a wedding kept so quiet that even her brother didn’t know about it (funny how a bun in the oven moves things along) . . . Sharon Osbourne will be headmistress of “Rock Of Love Girls: Charm School” (VH1) THIS FALL, in which she attempts to teach some of the more noxious contestants from “Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels” the art of becoming more ladylike (they certainly found a real role model – Courtney Love wasn’t available?) . . . Just like Ellen DeGeneres, 71-year-old former “Star Trek” actor George Takei (‘Mr Sulu’) says he’ll also take advantage of California’s overturn of a ban on gay marriage and wed his 21-year partner, 54-year-old Brad Altman . . . Movie star Will Smith (“I Am Legend”) has spent nearly $1 million on a private school that bases at least some of its education on Scientology (so much for the old ‘Tom’s just a friend’ denial) . . . The cast of “The Simpsons” (FOX) has settled an ongoing pay dispute by landing a major raise to $500,000-an-episode (up from $320,000) which brings their earnings more in line with live action comedy stars (a lot of moolah for reading a script while sitting around in your bathrobe) . . . And psychic/medium James Van Praagh (an executive producer of “Ghost Whisperer“) is claiming that late actor Heath Ledger’s ghost has visited his ex-girlfriend Michelle Williams’ NYC apartment, where she was awakened by furniture moving around (ghosts must be into interior design – they always seem to be redecorating).

• “Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC/CTV) – Series creator/writer Shonda Rhimes has promised that this season’s finalé would see ‘Meredith’ (Ellen Pompeo) & ‘Derek’ (Patrick Dempsey) reunited for good. Did she lie?
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Death Cab For Cutie performs music from the new album “Narrow Stairs”.
• “Last Comic Standing” (NBC) – The standup competition returns for its 6th season. (This would be one of the best shows on TV if they’d stick to performances and lose the fluff.)
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – Nigel Lythgoe moves from behind the camera as “American Idol” producer back onto the judging podium for the 4th season of this dance competition hosted by Cat Deeley (best host on TV?).
• “Ugly Betty” (ABC/CityTV) – It’s a battle of the divas as Naomi Campbell and Lindsay Lohan guest star in tonight’s season finalé.

• Alanis Morissette – The 33-year-old singer now admits she was once both anorexic and bulimic, thanks to pressure from a record executive to look thin.
• Britney Spears – Her pop Jamie Spears has quit his job as a caterer to dedicate himself full-time to overseeing his daughter’s business affairs. There’s far more money in it … $10K per month to be precise.
• Lily Allen – The Brit pop singer has made a big splash in Cannes … literally. It seems she ripped off her bikini top and threw herself over the side of a yacht in a moment of drunken stupidity. The crew had to fish her out of the Mediterranean because she looked like she was about to drown. Afterward, auto racing boss Flavio Briatore booted from his boat. (He told her to F1 off?)
• Mariah Carey – She’s denying reports suggesting that she & new husband Nick Cannon are planning a $4-million second wedding ceremony for family & friends in NYC THIS SUMMER. Apparently the event is on, but the price tag is a bit off. (Closer to $5 million then?)
• R Kelly – His lawyers are basing much of his defense on a dark, irregularly-bordered mole. The defense claims the guy with the underage girl in the explicit video evidence doesn’t have one … but R does. (Or soon will … as soon as his plastic surgeon arrives in town.)
• Shania Twain – 14-year husband Mutt Lange is denying published reports claiming their separation is due to his alleged affair with Marie Ann Thiebaud, a longtime secretary and manager of the estranged couple’s Swiss chateau. (There’s a hit country song somewhere in all this mess!)

“Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of the Crystal Skull” ( PG-13 Action Adventure ): The 4th outing in the George Lucas/Steven Spielberg mega-hit franchise has a rare THURSDAY opening in some 30 countries worldwide. This time, Harrison Ford’s whip-cracking archaeologist/adventurer is supported by boy wonder Shia LaBeouf as ‘Indy’ is called into action to stop a Soviet plot to uncover and use ancient artifacts to take over the world. To get in shape for the role, 65-year-old Ford spent 3-hours-a-day at the gym and subsisted on a high-protein diet of fish and vegetables, thus building his body into a condition where he could again perform his own stunts. Cate Blanchett co-stars.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “The Alchemist” – Laurence Fishburne will direct and star in the bigscreen adaptation of Paul Coehlo’s best-selling book about a shepherd boy who travels across the Egyptian desert in search of treasure, but instead meets an alchemist who teaches him the meaning of life.
• “The Death Of Diana” – This planned biopic about the 1997 death of Britain’s Princess of Wales in a Paris car crash has run into an unexpected setback. Actor Kevin Spacey, signed for a pivotal role as an investigative journalist, has decided to bow out so producers are now forced to search for a new lead actor.
• “Goosebumps” – RL Stine’s young-adult book series is finally coming to the bigscreen for the first time. The mega-hit series of books has sold more than 300 million copies worldwide. It’s thought the time is finally ripe for a movie because the first generation of its fans are now in their early 20s.
• “Project A“ – Ben Stiller’s next comedy will star former “Daily Show” regular Rob Corddry as ‘John Smith’, a man engineered by the US government to be the biggest jerk in the world. The plan is to use him as a ‘weapon of mass annoyance’ by throwing him into a country to cause chaos.
• “Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins” – Christian Bale (“The Dark Knight”) is attached to play ‘John Connor’ in this upcoming sequel and will also likely star in 2 further spin-offs. Director McG (“Charlie’s Angels”) will helm the 4th film in the franchise which is due for release 1 year TODAY … May 22nd, 2009.

A woman’s estrogen level rises and sexual fantasies increase during a strenuous workout, according to Dr Robert S Brown, a professor of psychiatric medicine at the University of Virginia School of Medicine. That, along with lowered hostility, anger, and stress during exercise, makes some women more approachable. (Trouble is, most women work out in females-only gyms.)
– “Men’s Health”

Maggots are the first living organism approved as a prescription medical device. So-called Maggot Debridement Therapy is a form of biotherapy, the therapeutic use of living creatures to clean out dead tissue in wounds, burns, and infections. The treatment costs around $100 and the maggots are kept on the wound area for up to 72 hours. The FDA first approved the treatment in 2004, meaning maggots can now be marketed as a prescription medical device. (Where does this rank among embarrassing things to ask for at your local pharmacy? “I’d like some wart remover, a strong laxative, some tampons, condoms and … a giant jar of fly larvae.)

A new research paper entitled “The Economics of Ecosystems & Biodiversity”, presented THIS WEEK at the UN Convention on Biological Diversity in Bonn, Germany, contends that the destruction of plants & animals is costing the world more than $3-trillion a year. According to the study by the European Union, the ecological expenses include air quality regulation, erosion prevention, pest management, waste treatment, water purification, etc. (Not to mention the next door neighbor’s psycho dog peeing on our roses.)

What do wives feel most guilty about when it comes to husbands? 45% of those surveyed say it’s that they don’t look as good as they did when they married their men. (Take a gander, hon’ .. old sofa slug isn’t any Greek Adonis himself.)
– “Ladies’ Home Journal”

Increasingly, people who work on computers all day are complaining about having dry, irritated eyes. What’s being called ‘Computer Vision Syndrome’ is apparently caused by the way our eyes and brains react to pixels on the screen. Letters printed on paper have well-defined edges, but those same letters on a computer screen do not, so the eye muscles must continually adjust to bring onscreen words into focus. Experts think that’s what’s causing ‘CVS’. (Cool, another ailment that’ll get you a day off work!)
– “Houston Chronicle”

A new ranking of the tunes that best express the anger, regret, and sorrow of splitting …
10. “No Woman, No Cry” – Bob Marley & The Wailers
9. “Achy Breaky Heart” – Billy Ray Cyrus
8. “This Love” – Pantera
7. “Always On My Mind” – Elvis Presley
6. “I Will Survive” – Cake
5. “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” – Cutting Crew
4. “Hurt” – Nine Inch Nails
3. “(I Hate) Everything About You” – Three Days Grace
2. “Go Your Own Way” – Fleetwood Mac
1. “Back Off Bitch” – Guns N’ Roses

• MAY 22nd is the least common birthday in the United States.
– “Wilson’s Almanac”
• People allergic to insect stings should absolutely NOT drink through straws, out of cans or anything they can’t see inside of, according to Dr David Golden of Johns Hopkins University.
– “Baltimore Sun”
• Japan’s tourism ministry has named ‘Hello Kitty’ its choice to represent the country in China and Hong Kong, two places where the cartoon character is wildly popular among kids and young women.
– “Cosmopolitan”
• The healthiest foods in the Department of Agriculture’s ‘Food Pyramid’ – whole grains, fruits and vegetables – are also the cheapest, while the foods that should be the smallest part of our diet are the most expensive.
– “Cleveland Plain Dealer”


1950 [58] Bernie Taupin, Sleaford UK, lyricist (Elton John’s songwriting partner-“Candle in the Wind”, “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”)

1959 [49] (Steven) Morrissey, Manchester UK, alt-rock singer (“All You Need Is Me”, “Tomorrow”)

1961 [47] Dana Williams, Dayton OH, country singer/musician (Diamond Rio-“Beautiful Mess”, “I Believe”)

1970 [38] Naomi Campbell, London UK, fashion model/ex-con involved in numerous attacks on her personal staff
1972 [36] Anna Belknap, Damariscotta ME, TV actress (‘Detective Lindsay Monroe’ on “CSI: NY” since 2005)

1982 [26] Apolo Anton Ohno, Federal Way WA, short track speed skater (2-time Olympic gold medalist)/reality TV personality (“Dancing With the Stars“ winner 2007)

• “Barbecue Month”. A few interesting facts about cooking al fresco …
– 40% of those polled say they’ve barbecued when the outside temperature was below freezing.
– 33% admit they’ve accidentally dropped barbecued food on the ground … and then served it to guests.
– 13% of barbecue chefs say they wear aprons emblazoned with some kind of goofy saying.

• “Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day”. But respect your neighbors … don’t make it drums!

• “Immigrants Day in Canada”, a day to recognize the contributions of those who came here from elsewhere. (If you go back far enough, wouldn’t that include all of us?)

• “Maritime Day” in America, by presidential proclamation. Har, hoist that bilge, matey!

1992 [16] After 30 years, 66-year-old Johnny Carson hosts his final “Tonight Show” (NBC)

1996 [12] “Mission: Impossible” with Tom Cruise opens, the 1st movie to open in more than 3,000 theaters in North America

1761 [247] 1st ‘Life Insurance’ policy, issued in Philadelphia PA by the ‘Corporation for the Relief of Poor and Distressed Presbyterian Ministers and of the Poor and Distressed Widows and Children of Presbyterian Ministers’ (the paperwork must have weighed 10 lbs!)

1841 [167] 1st ‘Reclining Chair’ patented by Henry Kennedy of Philadelphia PA (the average weight of men immediately goes up by 40 lbs)

1892 [116] 1st ‘Toothpaste Tube’, introduced by British dentist Dr Washington Sheffield (before that, you bought by the handful?)

1979 [29] Joe Clark becomes Canada’s youngest-ever Prime Minister at age 39

1987 [21] Rick Hansen completes his 26-month, 34-country “Man in Motion” tour in a wheelchair to raise awareness of disabled issues (Vancouver)

2003 [05] Golfer Annika Sorenstam becomes the first woman to play in a PGA men’s tour event in 58 years (Fort Worth, Texas)

[Fri] World Turtle Day
[Fri] Morning Radio Wise Guy Day
[Sat] Bob Dylan’s 67th birthday concert (St John’s NL)
[Sat] International Jazz Day
[Sat] Brothers Day
[Sat] Escargot Day
[Sun] 92nd Indianapolis 500
[Mon] Memorial Day (no “BS” service)
[Mon] Memorial Day (USA)
This Week Is … Etiquette Week
This Month Is … Clean Air Month


• Instead of selling lottery tickets, the clerk asks if you want to play ‘Three Card Monty’.
• The hot dogs are of voting age.
• Sign says they’re temporarily out of milk … until some of the rats get pregnant again.
• It’s part of a chain called ‘Price Hiker’.
• Offers 10% off anything in the cooler with an expiration date ending in ‘5′.
• Hostess Twinkies and contraceptive sponges seem to be the same product.

What do you do to look busy at work?

When you get down to it, I don’t have a fear of flying … it’s a fear of NOT flying.

Today’s Question: According to the “Wall Street Journal”, women are now more likely than men to have 2 of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Jobs.

The young know the rules; the old know the exceptions.

Printer Friendly Version