Friday, May 10 , 2002        Edition: #2294
Get your BS here, hot ‘n fresh!

TONIGHT FOX-TV airs the 2-hour special “The Girl Next Door: The Search For A Playboy Centerfold” (more Emmy-worthy material from the network of taste!) . . . TOMORROW Martin
Short’s send-up of celebrity talk shows “Primetime Glick” debuts on the Comedy Network (includes a Canadian parody of “The West Wing” called “The North House”) . . . SATURDAY
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Cats”, the world’s most successful musical, closes in London on its 21st birthday (nearly 9,000 performances in London have attracted 8 million theatergoers, adding to the musical’s $2-billion box office worldwide) . . . SUNDAY “Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones” gets a sneak premiere in 11 cities, 4 days before the film officially opens, to raise money for children’s charities (the movie’s star, Vancouver’s Hayden Christensen, will attend the Toronto showing) . . . SUNDAY the “Billboard Latin Music Awards” in Miami will be headlined by (huh?) Celine Dion (or is it actually ‘say-LEEN-ay dee-OWN’?), whose “My Heart Will Go On” is the only English-language song to ever top “Billboard’s” ‘Hot Latin Tracks’ chart . . . . Is Mariah Carey forming her own record label cuz no one else wants her? . . . Mick Jagger’s former chauffeur has published a new tell-all book called “Baby You Can Drive
My Car” that supposedly details all the action that went on in the back seat over 15 years (it should be called “If the Limo’s Rockin’ . . .”) . . . Ozzy Osbourne and his weird clan, stars of MTV’s hit reality series “The Osbournes”, now have a $3-million publishing deal for a book (they’re gettin’ rich on no talent — they must be pinching themselves every day) . . . And a spokeswoman for JK Rowling says the 5th “Harry Potter” book may be delayed until NEXT YEAR, but not to worry – she does NOT have writer’s block and is busy working on it (it’s just that $50 million in the bank tends to take the pressure off).

DJ Qualls stars in the comedy “The New Guy” as a high school student who changes his image from totally uncool to ultra-cool when he switches schools . . . Diane Lane & Richard Gere play a couple whose marriage goes dangerously awry when the wife indulges in a sleazy adulterous fling in the thriller “Unfaithful” . . . And no, “Ultimate X” is not some kind of primo porn film, but a made-for-IMAX documentary about the athletes of ESPN’s “Summer X” games, including skateboarders, BMX riders, motocrossers, and street lugers.

A new study published in “New Scientist” magazine suggests that one reason come people watch more TV is to feel like they have more friends. Sitcoms and prime-time dramas make women feel better about themselves, while men respond best to news programs. The study finds that many TV addicts are as satisfied with their social lives as people with actual friends. (Man, you’re a real loser if your best “Friends” are ‘Rachel’, ‘Ross’, and ‘Chandler’. Oh, sorry [co-host].)

• A recent poll shows that only 15% of Canadians have had sex in public, far below the global average of 41%. (The results of the poll may be skewed because most Canadians think ‘in public’ means ‘with somebody else’.)
• A recent survey asked married people if they had cheated on their spouses and an honest 26% said ‘yes’. (The other 74% asked where they could meet the 26%.)
• A revealing new sex survey says chilly Iceland has the world’s hottest women. Icelandic girls lose their virginity at an average age of 16. Why? Well, there’s nothing much else to do up there in the dead of winter! (Just ask newly-pregnant Bjork.)

New research seems to suggest that couples who cook together stay together. The study reveals that 67% of men and women between the ages of 25 and 34 cooked together at some point while dating. A third of them still cook together as often as 3 to 4 times a week after getting married. (If you ask us, too many spouses spoil the gruel.)

• Graham Morrison of Middlesbrough, England has created a life jacket for his — goldfish. Seems his pet fish ‘Gandalf’s’ swim bladder started failing, which normally acts like a balloon to keep fish buoyant. So resourceful Graham cut a cork in half and placed the parts on either side of the fish, securing them with an elastic band. (Great, now he has an unflushable fish.)
• A mysterious snotty goo is clogging up lakes in eastern Australia. Scientists in New South Wales don’t know what it is and have sent samples to labs all over the world. (In related news, Australia’s largest meat packer says it seems to be missing a year’s supply of that clear gelatin they slather onto canned meat.)
• A 22-year-old Gary IN man has been arrested and charged with shooting his long-time friend
during an argument over — which of them was the better friend. (Hmm, think there was any booze involved here?)
• An Argentinian racing driver stripped naked on the podium after winning one of the country’s most prestigious races. Marcelo Bugliotti says his televised antics were a protest against political corruption in the country. He took off his racing overalls and underwear after accepting first prize at San Juan. (Fans were surprised to see that he was still wearing his helmet, however.)
• The government of Singapore is handing out 20,000 copies of an 8-page booklet on how to enjoy the perfect date. The aim is to help singles with basic courtship skills by offering suggestions on activities (beach picnics, dog-walking) and practical tips such as who should pay on a first date. (And special detailed drawings show how to unhook a bra.)
• A Brighton UK police officer on foot patrol commandeered the only available vehicle to chase after a suspected drug dealer — a girl’s pink kiddy-size bicycle. The beefy 6-foot constable hunched over the handlebars and pedaled furiously after the suspect until a passing motorist took pity and gave him a ride. (Wasn’t this on an old episode of “Monty Python”? Or was it “Benny Hill”?)


1930 [72] Pat Summerall, Lake City FL, just-retired FOX-TV NFL sportscaster/John Madden’s former booth partner

1955 [47] Chris Berman, Greenwich CT, ESPN/ABC sportscaster (“Monday Night Football”)

1960 [42] Bono (Paul Hewson), Dublin IRE, rock singer (U2-“Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of”, “Beautiful Day”)  NOTE: His daughter Jordan, nicknamed ‘U3’, turns 13 today

1933 [69] Louis Farrakhan (Walcott), Roxbury MA, Nation of Islam leader/organizer of ‘Million Man March’ in 1996

1955 [47] Mark Herndon, Springfield MA, country singer (Alabama-“When It All Goes South”, “God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You”)

1973 [29] Jerome Williams, Washington, DC , NBA forward (Toronto Raptors)

1974 [28] Mike Rathje, Mannville AB, 6-5″, 235-lb NHL defenceman (San Jose Sharks)

1907 [95] Katharine Hepburn, Hartford CT, 12-time Oscar nominee/only actress to win 4 Oscars

1921 [81] Farley Mowatt, Belleville ON, wildlife author (“Never Cry Wolf”, “Owls in the Family”)

1955 [47] (Leon) Kix Brooks, Shreveport LA, country singer (Brooks & Dunn-“Only in America”, “Ain’t Nothing `Bout You”)

1961 [41] Ving Rhames, NYC, movie actor (“Mission: Impossible I & II”, “Out of Sight”)  NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Wesley Snipes in the boxing drama “Undisputed”, opening in OCTOBER

1978 [24] Jason Biggs, Pompton Plains NJ, movie actor (“American Pie I & II”)  NEXT FILM: Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill”, coming in 2003

TODAY is “Child Care Provider Appreciation Day”, honoring those dedicated souls who interact with our children during those most important first formative years of their lives while we exhaust ourselves running the treadmill, prostituting ourselves for the almighty buck. (Oh sorry, did we cause guilt feelings?)

TODAY is the annual “Clean Up Your Room Day”. Once a year? What, were you born in a barn?

TODAY is “Trust Your Intuition Day”, a day to listen to your ‘gut feelings’ and act upon them. Is it true? Are women better at this than men?

TODAY through June 9th is the 5th annual “Fierce Earth!”, the ‘international performance art festival that bites’, in England’s West Midlands. Among the ‘exhibitions’ will be one by Italian-born Londoner Franko B who will appear naked and make a 6-inch cut across his stomach to let the audience look inside. A doctor will make sure it doesn’t heal until the 6-hour ‘cutting edge’ performance is finished. His previous work includes having the veins in his arms tapped so he could bleed onto a piece of canvas.

The 2nd SUNDAY in May is “Mothers Day” in Canada, the USA, Australia, Denmark, Finland, Italy, Turkey and Belgium. Some 125 million phone calls are made to North American moms and more North Americans eat out on “Mothers Day” than any other special occasion.

1872 [130] 1st woman nominated for US president (Victoria Woodhull)

1908 [94] 1st [unofficial] “Mother’s Day” held, at request of Philadelphia’s Anna Jarvis

1983 [19] Lee Chin Yong performs a record 170 continuous chin-ups (Seoul KOR)

[Sat] Birth Mothers Day
[Sun] Limerick Day
[Sun] National Kite Day
[Sun] International Nurse’s Day (Florence Nightingale’s birthday)
National Postcard Week
National Nurses Week (a study in the medical journal “Health Affairs” shows that as many as a third of nurses under age 30 plan to leave their jobs due to burn-out)
Date Your Mate Month (when’s ‘Mate Your Date Month’?)
National Home Decorating Month (after participating in TV’s “Trading Places”, can you sue?)


• ANTICIPATION [“Just wait until your father gets home!”]
• RECEIVING [“You are really going to get it when we get home!”]
• MEETING A CHALLENGE [“Answer me when I talk to you! . . . don’t talk back to me!”]
• LOGIC [“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me.”]
• MEDICAL SCIENCE [“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”]
• THINKING AHEAD [“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”]
• ESP [“Put your sweater on — don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”]
• HUMOR [“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me!”]
• BECOMING AN ADULT [“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”]
• SEX [“How do you think you got here?”]
• GENETICS [“You’re just like your father.”]
• EDUCATION [“When you get to be my age, then you’ll understand.”]
• JUSTICE [“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”]

Odds are many of your listeners will forget to contact mom Sunday. So MONDAY morning’s the perfect time to get them off the hook. Find a caller who missed Mother’s Day, then set up an on-air conference call with their mom. Your job is to act as mediator, offering any kind of lame excuse for the contestant’s oversight.

Q: If a mother rat washes her newborn baby, she’ll take good care of it from then on. But if you wash it, she will most likely –
a) Trade it to another rat.
b) Wash it again.
c) Eat it.
A: She’ll eat it.

Q: Which famous house is named after the deceased owner’s mother –
a) ‘Taj Mahal’ in Acra, India.
b) ‘Graceland’ in Memphis TN.
c) ‘Casa Loma’ in Toronto.
A: Elvis named ‘Graceland’ after his mother.

Q: Which TV mom is named after the real-life mom of the show’s creator –
a) ‘Lois‘ on “Malcolm in the Middle”.
b) ‘Debra’ on “Everybody Loves Raymond”.
c) ‘Marge’ on “The Simpsons”.
A: “The Simpsons” characters of ‘Homer’, ‘Marge’, ‘Lisa’, and ‘Maggie’ were all given the same first names as “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening’s real-life father, mother, and two sisters.

Q: Which is the traditional flower to wear on Mother’s Day?
a) Rose.
b) Carnation.
c) Whatever you can find on the way to her house.
A: The carnation.

“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.”
a) Aristotle
b) Fred Astaire
c) Courtney Love
ANSWER: Fred Astaire

Today’s Question: 12% of men admit to never using these — ever.
Answer to Give Out Monday: Turn signals.

A fool and his money are soon partying.


Printer Friendly Version