Thursday, May 9, 2002        Edition: #2293
Wow, this coffee could keep you awake during your own funeral!

• You get a speeding ticket — and you’re parked.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You grind your own coffee beans — in your mouth.
• Your doc needs a calculator to take your pulse.
• You can type 60 words per minute — with your feet.
• All your kids are named ‘Joe’.
• You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug — on your coffee mug.
• You think skydiving is too damn slow.
• Your T-shirt says, ‘Decaf is the Devil’s Coffee’.

“Winnipeg Sun” says the in-flight movie ”15 Minutes” starring Robert De Niro that was showing on a plane carrying Jean & Aline Chrétien was abruptly stopped — when a scene came on showing a topless woman in a thong (after someone in the front row ordered, “Get dat tong offa dere!”) . . . Bill Clinton has rejected NBC-TV’s offer for a daytime talk show, saying his first priority is completing his book (which could take awhile because he has several versions of the same story) . . . Illusionist David Blaine (“Frozen in Time”) has reportedly pulled off one of his best tricks – convincing actress Daryl Hannah to dump longtime boyfriend Val Kilmer for him . . . The owner of a ‘60s pink Cadillac that Kid Rock used to propose to Pam Anderson in the Nevada desert is demanding $12-grand because the vintage Caddy broke down on the way back to Vegas . . . Calista Flockhart confirms to “Access Hollywood” that ‘Ally McBeal’ would have married Robert Downey Jr’s character on the show — had he not been busted for dope and fired (would THAT have saved the show?) . . . Bruce Willis has purchased 12,000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies to ship to US troops in Afghanistan (in related news, Tallulah Belle Willis’ Scout troop are all getting Jags) . . . After just 2 months, Michael Jackson’s new pet Bengal tiger has been sent back to NY from Neverland Ranch, suffering from — depression . . . Celine Dion tells German magazine “Bella” she regrets shedding the 40 lbs she put on during her pregnancy and returning to her stick-thin figure because it felt so ‘warm and soft and comfortable’ (you know, there’s a lot of moms of newborns who’d like to give her such a slap right now) . . . The average age of Rolling Stones Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts & Ronnie Wood is 57.5, a total of 230 (good news for their upcoming tour – most hotels now offer seniors’ discounts at age 55!) . . . And “Vanity Fair” magazine claims Chelsea Clinton is the ‘new sex symbol’ thanks to her recent makeover, fashionable friends and Oxford boyfriend (OK, let’s start with the top row – can you read the big ‘E’?).

Almost 4 weeks into the ultra-expensive shoot of “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”, Claire Danes has replaced newcomer Sophia Bush as the romantic interest of ‘John Conner’, played by Nick Stahl (wow, she must have been REALLY bad) . . . Wacky filmmaker Quentin Tarantino will bring another comic book to the bigscreen — the Marvel comic series “Mort: the Dead Teenager”, about a teenager who’s beheaded in a train accident and descends into the Netherworld to meet ‘Teen Death’ (oh, a comedy!) . . . Oscar-winner Halle Berry will be producing and starring in a remake of Pam Grier’s 1974 cult hit “Foxy Brown”, about a woman seeking revenge for the murder of her boyfriend . . . And check out this cast — Penelope Cruz, Jessica Lange and Bob Dylan will co-star in “Masked & Anonymous”, directed by former “Seinfeld” producer Larry Charles.

• New StatsCan figures indicate the number of obese Canadian adults has increased by 24% over the past 6 years. The trend has been attributed to our sedentary lifestyle — heavy on TV and Internet surfing — and our unhealthy diet loaded with junk food. (We’re all going to hell in a handcart – a 2-tonne handcart!)
• A new study from the University of Rochester purportedly shows ‘clear links’ between body piercing and other ‘risky behaviors’ like smoking, alcohol use, sex, skipping school and getting into fights. (And listening to that damn rock ‘n roll can make you pregnant!)
• Scientists say that dogs DO in fact dream while sleeping. (Do you know what dogs dream about when asleep? They dream about sleeping.)
• According to a Cornell University study, women average 79 seconds per washroom visit while men take only 45 seconds. (The difference can be attributed to make-up, hygiene — and gossip.)
• Scientists at Australia’s Commonwealth Scientific & Industrial Research Organization say they have proven that snakes have the ability to learn. (We all knew that — that’s why we have law schools!)

University of Minnesota physics professor Jim Kakalios is teaching a course in ‘The Science of Superheroes’. The first-year course examines how comic book characters like ‘Spider-Man’ and ‘Superman’ do what they do and the consequences of doing it. Some of his lessons —
• The reason ‘Superman’ can jump so high is the same as the reason his home planet blew up – the gravity on Krypton would have to be 8 times that of Earth in order for a Krypton native to come to Earth and leap tall buildings with a single bound. A planet with that much mass would be totally unstable.
• ‘Spider-Man’s’ girlfriend ‘Gwen Stacy’ should have died from a broken neck when he snagged her with a web after she fell from a bridge. Why? She would have been falling at 95 mph and the sudden stop would subject her to a force of 10 Gs.
• For ‘The Flash’ to have so much energy, he would have to eat everything in “The Joy of Cooking” 26 times every time he runs.

Pepsi-Cola has unveiled its latest product, ‘Pepsi Blue’, a bright blue drink which is targeted to teens. Described as ‘a fusion of berry and cola’ flavors, it will be on store shelves by AUGUST. Coca Cola is introducing ‘Vanilla Coke’ later THIS MONTH. Last year, Pepsi introduced ‘Mountain Dew Code Red’. (Other flavor suggestions? ‘Chili Coke’ perhaps?)

Scientists measuring sheep burps have found a way to reduce global warming. Experiments at AgResearch in New Zealand show that the condensed tannins in some pasture crops can reduce methane emissions by up to 16%. (For other crops, the researchers recommend adding Bean-O.)

“Consumer Reports” magazine, the bible of careful consumerism, is recalling the ‘thank-you gifts’ it sent out to about 15,000 new subscribers — a defective tire pressure gauge and a flashlight that could overheat and start a fire. (In the next issue, “Consumer Reports” examines dangerous subscription freebies.)

YESTERDAY protesters showed up in front of Poland’s parliament in a fashion parade of flashy colors, feathers and fringes — all of it used clothing from thrift shops. The protest was over a planned government ban on imports of secondhand clothing from the West, which textile makers say is costing them money big time. Used Western clothing has become popular with poor Poles trying to make ends meet, and with young people aspiring to look trendy. (Yep, nothing says ‘hip’ like a stained and smelly Partridge Family T-shirt.)

This Mothers’ Day, send your mother-in-law to Hell! European auction channel ‘Bid-Up TV’ is  auctioning a 3-day trip to the town of Hell in Norway. Hell has a population of 352 and is 220 miles north of Oslo inside the Arctic Circle. Temperatures can get as low as -4 F at this time of year. The lucky winner will stay at Hell’s only hotel. (If you want a contest destination closer to home – there’s also a ‘Hell’ in Michigan.)           

After 4 years you could have $3,947 if you take a bagged lunch to work instead of going out!
The online ‘Lunch Savings Calculator’ enables you to figure out exactly how much you’ll save by allowing you to plug in the cost of restaurant lunches, the number per month, etc. (And you can save another $242 by recycling chewing gum!)


1918 [84] Mike (Myron Leon) Wallace, Brookline MA, TV journalist (“60 Minutes”, since 1968) who’s finally cutting back on his gruelling schedule

1936 [66] Albert Finney, Salford ENG, movie actor (“Erin Brockovich”, “Traffic”)

1946 [56] Candice Bergen, Beverly Hills CA, movie actress (“Miss Congeniality”)/ex-TV actress (4 Emmy Awards-“Murphy Brown”)

1949 [53] Billy Joel, Hicksville NY, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame singer (“Just the Way You Are”, “My Life”)

1965 [37] Steve Yzerman, Cranbrook BC, NHL center (Detroit Red Wings)

1974 [28] Stephane Yelle, Ottawa ON, NHL center (Colorado Avalanche)

TODAY is “National Small Business Day”. A small business is defined as one with fewer than 100 employees. Many of today’s small businesses used to be big businesses.

TODAY is “Eat What You Want Day”, one luxurious day of the year with no calorie counting, no substitutions, and no guilt!

TODAY is “Lost Sock Memorial Day”, a day to remember those singular hose that went into the washing machine or dryer never to return. (Play “Taps” for them.)

1899 [103] 1st ‘lawn mower’ is patented (thereby ruining Sundays)

1944 [58] 1st ‘eye bank’ opens, in NYC

1960 [42] 1st public sale of ‘contraceptive pills’

1997 [05] 1st graduate from 1st university operating entirely online (you can bet that ‘virtual diploma’ from International University is truly beyond worth)

1984 [18] Chicago White Sox and Milwaukee Brewers finish 8 hour, 6 minute game — longest-ever MLB game in elapsed time (Chicago wins 7-6 in 25th inning on 2nd day)

[Fri] Clean Up Your Room Day
[Fri] Child Care Provider Appreciation Day
[Sat] Native American Day
[Sat] Birth Mothers Day
[Sun] Mothers Day
[Sun] Limerick Day
[Sun] National Kite Day
[Sun] International Nurse’s Day (Florence Nightingale’s birthday)
Suicide Awareness Week (in her 2nd failed suicide attempt in 3 days, a Miami woman jumped 14 stories from a high-rise MONDAY, landed on her butt and immediately got back on her feet)
Safe Kids Week
National Arthritis Month
Better Hearing & Speech Month


1. “Blade Runner”
2. “Gattaca”
3. “The Matrix”
4. “2001: A Space Odyssey”
5. “Brazil”
(“Star Wars” only ranks 10th)
Source: “Wired” magazine

• Childhood . . . The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.
• Jeans . . . Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being zits.
• Orgasm . . . The punchline women just don’t get, mostly because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.
• Lottery . . . The equivalent of betting that the next Pope will be from Regina, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
• Shallowness . . . The root cause of high school popularity, appearance on best-seller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news shows.

BS Q & A:
Q: Julia Ward Howe, women’s suffrage leader and author of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”, was first to promote this innovation. What was it?
a) Equal pay for equal work.
b) Mother’s Day.
c) Synchronized swimming.
A: She first suggested a national celebration of “Mother’s Day” in 1872. US President Woodrow Wilson finally proclaimed the 1st official ‘Mother’s Day’ 88 years ago TODAY (1914).

Today’s Question: You probably have a cute like nickname for your mate. 6% of you call your man this.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: ‘Beautiful’.

7 of 10 people suffer from hemorrhoids. The other 3 like ‘em.


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