Wednesday, May 7, 2008        Edition: #3770
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

It’s now been confirmed that 23-year-old actress Scarlett Johansson & 31-year-old Vancouver-born actor Ryan Reynolds (“Definitely, Maybe”) are engaged, a year after he dumped Alanis Morissette for her (let’s hope the marriage is less harrowing than Scarlett’s debut album “Anywhere I Lay My Head”) . . . Actress Haylie Duff, best known as Hilary Duff’s sister, will host the new MTV talent show “Legally Blonde the Musical: The Search For Elle Woods” (thanks to Andrew Lloyd Weber’s BBC talent search, “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?”, this is how Broadway shows are being cast) . . . No longer content to be an MTV reality star, “The Hills” personality (actress?) Audrina Patridge has hired a new agent to help nail down her first movie role (“The Hottie & the Nottie 2”?) . . . VH1 has renewed “Celebrity Rehab With Dr Drew”, the horrifying yet compelling series that was perhaps THIS SEASON’s best new reality show (which celeb druggie would you like cameras to follow?) . . . Thanks to the soaring success of “Iron Man”, Marvel has already announced “Iron Man 2” is slated for 2010, and it’s pulling out a bunch of other ‘2nd-tier heroes’ for movie treatment, including ‘The Avengers’, ‘Thor’, and ‘Ant-Man’ (is that the gay comedian?) . . . And with “Mothers Day” just around the corner, the ‘Mingling Moms Organization’ of Long Island NY has just released its 2008 tribute to the local moms of celebs, including Carol Baldwin (who raised all those well-adjusted Baldwin brothers) and Dina Lohan (who’s more worthy of jail time for inflicting Lindsay Lohan on the world).

• Black Eyed Peas – has been awarded ‘Artist Of the Year’ at the annual “Webby Awards” for websites and online achievements. The honor salutes his inspirational video, “Yes We Can”, a viral sensation that’s garnered millions of hits on YouTube alone.
• 50 Cent – He’s had some bling stolen by a concert-goer in Luanda, Angola. Thanks to a fan’s video posted online that shows the thief grabbing the diamond-encrusted necklace and climbing back into the crowd, the perp’s been turned in to the cops … by his own parents!
• Prince – He’s releasing a book worldwide THIS FALL called “21 Nights”, a photo essay about his 21 consecutive sold-out concerts LAST SUMMER at London’s O2 Arena. It will be packaged with a CD of ‘after-hours jams’ entitled “Indigo Nights”.

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Before another contestant goes home, season 3 winner Fantasia drops by to sing with the final 4.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Alicia Keys (“No One”) performs.
• “Jammy Awards” – The 7th annual ceremony at NYC’s Madison Square Garden honors individuals and bands who know how to rock … for many minutes at a time. Beastie Boys, Led Zeppelin, Phil Lesh & Friends, and Widespread Panic are among the nominees. A special ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’ will be presented to jam band supreme, Phish.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Barenaked Ladies make an appearance.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – Dierks Bentley promotes his new “Greatest Hits/Every Mile a Memory 2003-2008” album.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) – California nu metal band POD (“Youth of the Nation”) performs.

A 19-year-old Arkansas prisoner has filed a civil rights lawsuit claiming he’s being starved to death by the small portions that are served in the slammer. He contends that, in just 8 months of incarceration, he’s lost a whopping 105 lbs. That’s likely a good thing – he originally weighed close to a quarter-ton; now he’s down to a svelte 308. (This guy really may get ‘life’.)

A statistical breakdown of life by the numbers …
• 68% of single men say they size up whether to ask a girl out for a 2nd date within 8 minutes.
• 55% of guys admit to telling a date “I love you” in order to get lucky.
• 48% of us admit we’ve felt the need to apologize for a messy car.
• 47% of working women work on their days off.
• 33% of women admit they fantasize about their best male friend.
• 27% of us have borrowed prescription medications from someone else.
• 11% of Americans claim they have seen a UFO.

Anna Jarvis, the woman who invented “Mothers Day”, was so horrified by the crass commercialization of it she spent the final 40 years of her life trying to rid the observance of cards, gifts & flowers and return it a quiet day to honor moms in church. After campaigning for over a decade to have a special day for mothers recognized, it took only a few short years of crass marketing to sour her on the result. She even went so far as to incorporate the ‘Mother’s Day International Association’ and attempt to copyright the date. After spending her entire family inheritance trying to undo the damage to “Mothers Day”, she died in 1948 in poverty and without success. (Such a sad story … does this in any way get us out of obligations this weekend?)
– BBC World

Experts say one way to stay happy is to focus on all the small things that go right each day instead of the annoyances. For instance …
• Being proven right. (“I told you so … neener neener neener!”)
• Delivering a quick comeback. (“Oh yeah? Yo mama’s so ugly when she looks in the mirror the reflection looks back shaking it’s head.”)
• Finding a prime parking spot. (Provided it isn’t labelled ‘CEO’.)
• Finding money. (Is there anything more satisfying than coming across a 20 in a jeans pocket … your wife’s jeans pocket?)
• Perfectly cooking a steak. (Just wave it over the coals, Emeril.)
• Making a spontaneous catch of something hurled at you. (A cleaver, for instance.)
• Opening a jar. (Especially after 3 other weaklings have tried and failed.)
– Adapted from

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Allergy Bullying’ – Intimidating a schoolmate by threatening to expose them to a food they’re allergic to. (“If you don’t lend me your math homework, I’ll show you a picture of a peanut butter sandwich.”)
• ‘Boreout’ – Sort of an antonym to ‘burnout’, this is physical or emotional exhaustion and feelings of depression or disillusionment caused by being underemployed at work. (“Andrea’s on worker’s compensation. She has severe boreout from 10 years at the driver’s license office.”)
• ‘Ecopsychology’ – A new field of treatment designed to reduce worries for people who feel acute unease about the future of the planet due to environmental problems. The International Community for Ecopsychology now lists more than 120 therapists worldwide who specialize in the field. (“Sorry, I can’t go the beach. My ecopsychologist says I might have a seizure if I see medical waste washing ashore.”)
• ‘Scuppie’ – An urban professional who is socially conscious. (“What do you mean I’m a scuppie? Everyone uses fair-trade hemp dental floss, don’t they?”)

According to a newly-released online poll of over 25,000 respondents …
5. “Wanted Dead or Alive”, Bon Jovi (1987).
4. “Can’t Fight This Feeling”, REO Speedwagon (1984).
3. “Here I Go Again”, Whitesnake (1987).
2. “I Want to Know What Love Is”, Foreigner (1984).
1. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, Poison (1988)

Despite objections from human rights groups, the “Miss Landmine” beauty pageant has announced plans to stage a 2009 competition in Cambodia. “Miss Landmine 2008” was crowned at the inaugural event earlier THIS YEAR in Angola, where beautiful female landmine victims strutted on the catwalk trying to win prosthetic limbs. While some call it an exploitative freak show, organizers say the event raises landmine awareness and helps empower the female amputees who participate. (There wasn’t much clapping at this year’s event.)
– “Curious Times”

A new ranking of terrific television twosomes that work well off each other …
10. ‘Blair & Serena’ (Leighton Meester & Blake Lively) – “Gossip Girl”.
9. ‘Hiro & Ando’ (Masi Oka & James Kyson Lee) – “Heroes”.
8. ‘Jenna & Frank’ (Jane Krakowski & Judah Friedlander) – “30 Rock”.
7. ‘House & Cuddy’ (Hugh Laurie & Lisa Edelstein) – “House”.
6. ‘Temperance & Seeley’ (Emily Deschanel & David Boreanaz) – “Bones”.
5. ‘Paula Abdul & Simon Cowell – “American Idol”.
4. ‘Pam & Jim’ (Jenna Fischer & John Krasinski) – “The Office”.
3. ‘Christina & Meredith’ (‘Sandra Oh’ & ‘Ellen Pompeo’) – “Grey’s Anatomy”.
2. ‘JD & Turk’ (Zach Braff & Donald Faison) – “Scrubs”.
1. ‘Michael & Dwight’ (Steve Carell & Rainn Wilson) – “The Office”.

• The average person opens the refrigerator 22 times a day.
• According to Microsoft executive Steve Ballmer, Bill Gates is likely the most-spammed person in the world, receiving over 4 million emails per day.


1946 [62] Bill Kreutzmann, Palo Alto CA, classic rock musician (Grateful Dead-“Touch Of Grey”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1994)

1950 [58] Tim Russert, Buffalo NY, TV news correspondent (NBC’s “Meet the Press” since 1991, CNBC’s “Tim Russert”)/author (“Big Russ & Me”)

• “Beaufort Scale Day”, honoring the 1774 birth of Sir Francis Beaufort who, as any sailor knows, invented the scale that measures wind speed from 0 (calm) to 12 (hurricane), adopted as an international standard in 1874.

• “Canadian Emergency Preparedness Week”, a day to prepare for specific emergency situations at home, work, school, or when traveling. The 3 steps to emergency preparedness: put together an emergency kit; make an emergency plan; know the hazards in your area.

• “National Tourism Day”, an annual event emphasizing the economic, social, and cultural impact of the travel & tourism industry and showing appreciation for the travelers who make tourism a viable industry. As someone once asked: If it’s tourist season, can we shoot them?

• “Privy Diggers Day”, honoring those who excavate outhouses to explore the past. Man, what a crappy job!

• “Raise Your Hand If You Just Failed Your Math Test Day”. Yeah, math’s tough but for most students, English is a sentence.

• “Roast Leg of Lamb Day”. (Awww! The poor widdle woolly baa-baas.)

• “School Nurses Day”, an annual observance that was moved from JANUARY to MAY in 2003. In any event, thanks for believing in my fake sore throat and writing that ‘excuse slip’ to get me out of chemistry, nurse Ratchett!

1999 [09] “The Mummy”, starring Brendan Fraser, opens in movie theaters (the 3rd film in the franchise, “The Mummy: Tomb Of the Dragon Emperor”, opens AUGUST 1st)

1660 [348] 1st ‘Macaroni’ is patented by Isaack Fubine (the next day, an accompanying orange powder is invented that contains ‘synthetic cheese product’)

1988 [20] 1st convention of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens (oh to own the tin hat concession at this little get-together!)

1934 [74] ‘World’s Largest Pearl’ (14 lbs/6.4 kg) found at Palawan, Philippines (whoa, how big was that oyster?)

1994 [14] 555 guitarists in Vancouver simultaneously play BTO’s “Takin’ Care of Business” for 68 minutes (a gathering of people who only know 3 chords)

[Thurs] No Socks Day
[Thurs] World Red Cross Day
[Fri] Lost Sock Memorial Day
[Fri] Small Business Day
[Fri] Child Care Provider Appreciation Day
[Sat] Clean Up Your Room Day
[Sat] Carrie Underwood inducted into Grand Ole Opry
This Week Is … Goodwill Industries Week
This Month Is … Motorcycle Safety Month


• If it’s ‘friendly’ fire, shouldn’t they use blanks?
• Do turkeys get sleepy from that thing in turkey that makes you sleepy?
• Is it really necessary for Los Angeles to have a zoo?
• Did they purposely make dyslexia hard to spell?
• What do you call it when fat people swim naked?

• ‘Control Dad Talking Remote’ ($17.95) – A pink remote control unit that delivers clever liners & funny sound effects at the touch of various buttons. Among the 18 mom-type sayings that mom can simply point and press: “The Queen speaketh!”; “What about my needs?”; and “What were you thinking?” (… when you bought this).
• ‘Heart Egg Molder’ ($5.95) – Turn her breakfast into a special event! It’s sort of a cookie cutter for eggs that shapes them like a heart. A truly thoughtful way to give mom your love. (At least it’s good for a yolk.)
• ‘I Love You Toast Stamp’ ($4.95) – Just press this little gadget against the bread before toasting, then put the toaster on the dark setting. The toast comes out with a ‘I [heart] You’ watermark … er burn mark or whatever. (Thoughtful? Not on your life.)
• ‘Miss Army Knife’ ($14.95) – A mom version of the Swiss Army Knife that’s always ready for that next emergency: busted bra, cracked nail, ripped appendix, etc. Tools include ‘Needle & Thread’, ‘Perfume Bottle’, ‘Mirror’, ‘Tweezers’, and that most useful of all tools … ‘Safety Pin’.
• ‘Sushi Soap Set’ ($9.95) – Eight different bath soaps arranged on a serving tray, designed to resemble realistic looking sushi. (Perfect for the mom who wants to smell like raw fish.)

What is the worst food combination you can think of? (Hamburgers w/whipped cream …mmm!)

• Cultural historians say the ancient Japanese art of ‘Namba’ is becoming lost. What is it?
a. The ritual eating of live reptiles.
b. A martial art using grains of rice.
c. A funny way of walking. [CORRECT. It’s where the right arm & leg swing forward together, followed by the left arm & leg, etc.]

• Roquefort cheese is made from which animal’s milk?
a. The cow.
b. The ewe. [CORRECT. Baaa!]
c. The nanny.

I’m writing a book. So far, I’ve got the page numbers done.

Today’s Question: Two new studies tell us that women with THIS trait are typically more jealous.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Taller women.

Enjoy your life. If you don’t, no one else will.

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