Tuesday, May 6, 2008        Edition: #3769
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure BS!

TODAY drug-addicted Brit rocker Pete Doherty (Babyshambles) is expected to be released from jail after serving just 29 days of his 14-week term DESPITE taking heroin behind bars, and a pal says he’s only planning to stay straight long enough to play a gig and then ‘get smashed’ (there’s something wrong with the UK penal system) . . . #1 movie “Iron Man” has officially grossed over $200 million worldwide after just 1 weekend (meaning its $140-million cost is already more than paid) . . . As part of her Bitten clothing line, 43-year-old “Sex & the City” actress Sarah Jessica Parker is marketing what’s touted as the ‘World’s Cheapest Designer Dress’, a brightly-colored sundress priced at under $9 (since somebody had to put it together, isn’t EVERY dress a designer dress?) . . . Snooty Spice, Victoria Beckham, is suing Rock & Republic, claiming the fashion retailer owes her as much as $50 million due to ‘loss of earnings’ after their association ended (c’mon, does she really think she could sell 250,000 pairs of jeans at $200 a pop?) . . . On-set security for actress Kate Hudson’s latest movie “Bride Wars” has been tightened after a 44-year-old burglary suspect expressed an ‘unhealthy interest’ in her during his interrogation by Boston police (in his car they found women’s clothing, computer equipment, an Elvis plate, a Christmas tree, and – 2 axes) . . . It seems “CSI” actor Gary Dourdan’s drug arrest was no surprise to his colleagues on the show as there’s long been talk of an intervention but it never happened (oops!) . . . And former “American Idol” champ Taylor Hicks is telling anyone who’ll listen that current contestant David Archuleta reminds him of – a young Wayne Newton (Ouch! That’s cruel, especially coming from an older-looking Jerry Vale).

• Avril Lavigne – Due to acute laryngitis she’s now had to ax at least 8 concerts plus cancel TV appearances with Jay Leno and Ryan Seacrest. At least she hasn’t resorted to lip-syncing.
• 50 Cent – While touring South Africa with G-Unit, he’s met with former South African president Nelson Mandela in his Johannesburg home. The odd meet-up has been filmed for a documentary that airs on MTV later THIS MONTH. (“So s’up, Nelly?”)
• KISS – Gene Simmons has filmed a guest appearance playing himself for an upcoming episode of “Ugly Betty” (ABC/CityTV) entitled “Who’s Your Daddy”.
• Lil Wayne – Thanks to a sparkling audition, he’s gone from a supporting role to a major role in the upcoming movie “Patriots”, the true story of a high school basketball team brought together in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. The film stars Forest Whitaker and Bow Wow.
• Nine Inch Nails – They’re offering up an absolutely free download of their new album called “The Slip”. All fans need to do is submit their email address at the band’s official website.
NET: http://nin.com/
• Ricky Martin – He’s reportedly just bought a private Brazilian island off the coast of Rio de Janeiro for circa $8 million, something’s he’s apparently been working on for several months.

• Barenaked Ladies – They release a children’s album, a collection of original songs called “Snacktime”. Move over, Sharon, Lois and Bram!
• Cher – The soon-to-be 62-year-old kicks off a 3-year, 200-show residency at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas dubbed “Cher At the Colosseum”. The massive production includes 18 dancers, aerialists, and 17 new costumes by her longtime designer Bob Mackie (she brags her fastest change is a minute-forty five, from head to toe).
• Clay Aiken – ‘Claymates’ will be thrilled his new album, “On My Way Here”, is released. It’s the “American Idol” alum’s 1st album of entirely new material since 2003.
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – The show’s 100th episode brings back many former competitors such as Apolo Anton Ohno, Jane Seymour, Jerry Springer, Joey Fatone, Mario Lopez, and Mel B. Rascal Flatts performs their current single “Every Day”.
• Dierks Bentley – He releases his “Greatest Hits/Every Mile a Memory 2003-2008” album, which includes 10 hits & 2 new wannabe-hits tracks. In a unique radio promotion, he’ll soon do an 11-city tour performing acoustic concerts in contest-winning fans’ living rooms & backyards.
• Kylie Minogue – Her 1st major tour since recovering from breast cancer kicks off in Paris, France. The glitzy 53-concert “KylieX2008” tour is costing upwards of $20 million to stage.
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Country singer Jason Aldean (“Relentless”) is on.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Classic rocker Steve Winwood performs.
• Neil Diamond – He releases the new album “Home Before Dark”, which features a duet with Dixie Chicks singer Natalie Maines.
• Taylor Swift – She’s on the cover of the JUNE issue of ”Seventeen” magazine, on stands TODAY.
• Toby Keith – He releases “35 Biggest Hits”, a 2-CD career retrospective spanning 15 years & 5 record labels, beginning with his 1993 debut single, “Should’ve Been a Cowboy”.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) – KT Tunstall is the musical guest.

• “First Sunday” ( Comedy ): Ice Cube (“Are We There Yet?“), Katt Williams (“Norbit”), and Tracy Morgan (“30 Rock”) star in this caper about crooks who plot the lowest crime imaginable … robbing their own church. When the heist goes bad, they end up holding their fellow parishioners hostage.
• “The Hottie & the Nottie ( Romantic Comedy ): Another Paris Hilton masterpiece! Joel Moore plays a love-sick guy who finally tracks down his childhood flame (Hilton) but can’t seem to shake her ever-present, not-so-hot best friend (Christine Lakin). Eventually, the second banana’s true beauty begins to emerge. It was in theaters for about 5 minutes in February and earned a grand total of (no BS!) … $27,696.
• “I’m Not There” ( Biographical Drama ): An unconventional portrait of legendary musician Bob Dylan in which 6 characters each embody a different aspect of his life and work. The all-star cast includes Cate Blanchett (who was Oscar-nominated), Christian Bale, Richard Gere, and the late Heath Ledger. Original Dylan recordings are mixed in with covers by Ritchie Havens, Iggy Pop, and Sonic Youth, among others.
• “Over Her Dead Body” ( Romantic Comedy ): Eva Longoria Parker (as she’s now known) plays a ghost who tries to sabotage the fledgling relationship between her old boyfriend (Paul Rudd) and his new, psychic girlfriend (Lake Bell). The original title was “How I Met My New Boyfriend’s Dead Fiancee or: Ghost Bitch” … which pretty much sums it all up.
• “PS I Love You” ( Drama ): Hilary Swank plays the devastated wife of a man who unexpectedly falls ill and dies. But he seemingly comes back into her life when a series of messages he recorded before he died start showing up on her doorstep. Co-stars Gerard Butler, Kathy Bates, Gina Gershon, and Lisa Kudrow.
• Also released TODAY: “Awake Live”, a new DVD/CD set featuring a Josh Groban concert recorded in Salt Lake City; “Avatar: The Last Airbender – Book 3: Fire, Volume 3“ (Animation); “The Bridges Of Madison County: Deluxe Edition”; “The Business Of Being Born” (Documentary); “The New Adventures Of Old Christine: The Complete 2nd Season (TV); “Oprah Winfrey Presents Mitch Albom’s For One More Day (TV); “Twister – 2-Disc Special Edition”; and “The 2007 Academy Award-Nominated Short Films”.

If you believe a new survey conducted for the makers of ‘The Laughing Cow’ cheese, the average Canadian spends a whopping 46 minutes a day laughing. The poll finds Albertans laugh most, British Columbians least. And while just 33% of Québécois think that ‘laughing a lot’ is the best way to stay happy, 53% of Ontarians think that it is. (Canada, home of Yuk Yuks.)
– Newswire.ca

‘Spam’, the bane of everyone’s online existence, was invented 30 years ago THIS MONTH by a salesman named Gary Thuerk. He used the US Defense Department’s Arpanet to bulk-mail an invitation to a demonstration of new mini-computers developed by Digital Equipment Corp. In what now seems like a just reward, Thuerk was immediately fired for sending the invite to all 393 of the network’s users. It wasn’t until 1993 that unsolicited emails were christened ‘spam’ by Usenet system administrator Joel Furr. It’s estimated that fully 92.3% of all email transmitted in the 1st quarter of 2008, was spam. (Thanks loads, Gary!)

‘Barbie’ and ‘Bratz’ are going to court. ‘Barbie’-maker Mattel Inc contends that it owns the copyright on the ‘Bratz’ doll designs. It’s claiming that a rogue Mattel employee spawned the original ‘Bratz’, but then sold the doll plans to a rival company. (Paula Abdul wants to know if this means she’ll actually get some money from that horrific movie she got fired from.)
– “Radar Magazine”

A new ‘organic’ preschool in NYC called Le Petit Paradis is now accepting students for Fall ‘08. The private school for toddlers is currently being redone with environmentally friendly wall paints, bamboo floors, and low-flow toilets. Even the puzzles will be made of wood, not plastic. Tuition … just under $13,000! (‘Organic’ is now a marketing tool, replacing ‘new & improved’.)
– “New York Magazine“

A study by the UK’s University of Teesside suggests that working at home is as stressful as being employed in a more traditional environment. Why? It can involve longer hours, constant interruption and a blurring of work life with home life. (And sometimes your pajama bottoms bunch up on you when you’re sitting in your home office chair drinking a glass of wine and clipping your toenails.)
– Reuters

• Scientists have no idea why dogs bury bones.
• Saliva has no flavor.
• You are average if you drank about 588 cups of coffee in the last year.

“My son said the word paparazzi the other day and he’s only 2. I found that slightly disturbing.”
– “Iron Man” actress Gwyneth Paltrow, on her son Moses.


1945 [63] Bob Seger, Dearborn MI, classic rock singer (“Against the Wind”, “Night Moves”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2004)
1953 [55] Tony Blair, Edinburgh, Scotland, former British Prime Minister (1997-2007)

1955 [53] Tom Bergeron, Haverhill MA, TV host (“Dancing With the Stars” since 2005, “America’s Funniest Home Videos” since 2001, “Hollywood Squares” 1998-2004)

1961 [47] George Clooney, Lexington KY, movie actor (“Michael Clayton”, 2006 Oscar-Syriana”)/movie director (“Leatherheads”, “Good Night, and Good Luck”)/movie producer (“Ocean’s Thirteen”)/UN Messenger of Peace (2008)

1971 [37] Chris Shiflett, Santa Barbara CA, rock guitarist (Foo Fighters-“The Pretender”, “Best Of You”)

1972 [36] Martin Brodeur, Montréal QC, NHL goalie (3 Stanley Cup Championships-NJ Devils)

• “Childhood Depression Awareness Day”, sponsored by National Mental Health Association.

• “International No Diet Day”, created in 1992 by Mary Evans Young, director of the British group ‘Diet Breakers’. After personally experiencing anorexia, she began working to help people appreciate the body they have. If you could eat as much as you wanted and not gain weight, what foods would you eat?
According to the Council on Size & Weight Discrimination …
– They don’t work. Even if you lose weight you will probably gain it all back.
– They’re expensive. Many require special diet products.
– They’re boring. People on diets think and talk about food and practically nothing else.
– They don’t necessarily improve your health and can actually cause health problems.
– They don’t make you beautiful. Very few people will ever look like models.
– They can turn into eating disorders.
– They can make food seem like your enemy. You need it to live!
– They can rob you of energy.
– Learning to accept yourself just as you will give you self-confidence, better health, and a
sense of well-being that will last a lifetime.
NET: http://www.eskimo.com/~largesse/INDD

• “National Education Association Teacher Day”, observed annually on the TUESDAY of the 1st full week of MAY to salute the efforts of educators everywhere. Thanks, Teach’!

• ”National Nurses Day”, kicking off “National Nurse’s Week”. Here’s to you, RNs!
– Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal.
– You have weekends off planned a year in advance.
– You believe that ‘too stupid to live’ should be a reasonable diagnosis.
– Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than ‘Fred Flintstone’s’.
– You compliment complete strangers on the size of their veins.
– You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium salt lick.
– You are not surprised when your patient says, “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”

2004 [04] Series finalé of “Friends” airs on NBC-TV

1997 [11] Canadian folk icon Joni Mitchell is inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

1998 [10] Shania Twain’s mega-hit single “You’re Still The One” is certified Platinum

1840 [168] Britain’s ‘Penny Black’ becomes the 1st ‘Adhesive Postage Stamp’ (before that you had to nail ‘em on)

1851 [157] Florida’s John Gorrie receives 1st ‘Refrigerator’ patent, then fails to find investors, has a nervous breakdown and dies (what an inspiring story, huh?)

1973 [35] Now-defunct ‘World Hockey Association’ (WHA) begins 1st championship (won by Winnipeg Jets led by Bobby Hull)

1995 [13] ‘World’s Largest Collection of Footwear’ goes on display as Bata Shoe Museum opens in Toronto
NET: http://www.batashoemuseum.ca

1995 [13] ‘World’s Largest Margarita’ measures 3,500 gallons (San Antonio TX)

[Wed] Tourism Day
[Wed] School Nurses Day
[Thurs] No Socks Day
[Thurs] World Red Cross Day
[Fri] “Speed Racer”; and “What Happens in Vegas” open in movie theaters
This Week Is . . . Muffin Week
This Month Is . . . Better Hearing & Speech Month


Just in time for “Mothers Day” here are a few …
• Someday your face will freeze like that!
• What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do THAT, too?
• You’re going to put an eye out with that thing!
• If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times!
• Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been!
• Why? Because I said so, that’s why.
• There’s enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes!
• Don’t pick it, it’ll get infected!
• I’m not just talking to hear myself.
• Don’t use that tone with me!
• Did you flush?
(Ask listeners for more and watch the phones light up!)

You know who takes my breath away? Me.

• Coil your garden hose in a figure 8 instead of a circle and you’ll have no more kinks.
• Candle stubs stuck in candlesticks? Place the candle holders in the freezer for a few hours and the wax should shrink right out.
• After packing a suitcase, put in a couple of perfumed dryer sheets on top of your clothes to give them a nice fragrance.
• Tomatoes should always be kept at room temperature. They last longer if they don’t touch each other. Place unripe tomatoes in a brown paper bag for a few days to ripen.
• When you get a haircut you like, get a friend to take pictures of each side of your head. When you go back to the hairdresser, you can show exactly what you liked before.
– “The Abacus”

Today’s Question: Married people are more likely to participate in THIS activity than single, widowed, or divorced people.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Voting.

Never lie unless you have an awfully good memory.

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