Tuesday, May 22, 2001                                                             Edition: #2060

BS SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOUR’S FIREWORKS DISPLAY WAS REALLY LAME:
• His nickname is ‘Three-Fingered Lou’.
• Before the big show, he handed out ‘nostril flares’ to the kids.
• His all-inclusive home display kit was endorsed by Wile E Coyote.
• Insisted on humming “Mission: Impossible” theme every time he lit a fuse.
• Crowd-pleasing ‘Burning Schoolhouse’ had to be cancelled due to support staff strike.
• Just for kicks, he stuck a roman candle in his empty eye socket and chased kids around.
• His grand finale involved the “1812 Overture”, a can of pork & beans and a Bic lighter.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the final episode of NBC sitcom “Third Rock From the Sun” airs (this is shocking — how did this lame show ever last 5 years?) . . . Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” is considered the favorite to be named the ‘World’s Greatest Air Guitar Anthem’ in an Internet poll running through MAY 31 (http://only-music.com) . . . “Pearl Harbor” star Ben Affleck has reportedly won a bet with “Knight’s Tale” actor Heath Ledger over who could finish off a barrel of beer the fastest, with Ben and best buds polishing off his 135-pint keg in just 2 days . . . “Friends” Matthew Perry has apparently proposed to on-again, off-again girlfriend Jamie Tarses and she’s said ‘yes’ — IF he stays clean and sober for a full year (then his buddy Ben Affleck called . . .).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Chris O’Donnell plays a climber who tries to rescue his sister on top of K2, one of the world’s biggest mountains, in the thriller “Vertical Limit” . . . Jared Leto plays a junkie and Ellen Burstyn his diet pill-addicted mother in the drama “Requiem for a Dream” . . . And you can now get the entire 2nd season of HBO’s spicy series “Sex and the City” (in case you want to know why Chris Noth’s character is called ‘Mr Big’).

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• TODAY a greyhound and a pigeon will battle it out on the racetrack at England’s Wimbledon Stadium as a sideshow to the William Hill Greyhound Derby. Racing pigeon ‘Speckled Jim’ and top-class greyhound ‘Athea Storm’ will race 100 yards side-by-side, the pigeon flying 4 feet above the ground. Their trial times have been almost identical. (Put the pigeon in front of the dog, and I guarantee you the pigeon will fly faster.)
• A Swiss man has won a lifetime supply of toilet paper after proving on a German TV show that he can identify different brands — by taste. By licking, sucking and chewing, Roger Weisskopf was able to distinguish not only brand names but countries of origin. He now plans to develop a ‘singing toilet lid’ to cash in on his fame. (Imagine his kid’s pride telling what daddy does on ‘Show & Tell’ day.)
• British law firm Brookman, which specializes in divorce, is being criticized for posting ads in public men’s rooms with the slogan ‘Ditch the Bitch’. At least they offer equal opportunity — their posters in women’s rooms say ‘All Men are Bastards’.
• New Zealand artist Maurice Bennett has created a 23-foot-by-5-ft depiction of the ‘Mona Lisa’ on the side of a Wellington building using — slices of toast. The 2,124 pieces of bread had to be toasted to various shades to create skin highlights and shadow. The ‘Toasted Mona Lisa’ is expected to remain on display for 2 months. (Problem is she has a horrendous case of zits because he used raisin bread.)
• A woman in Chile who asked for a DNA test as part of a legal battle to claim child support from her ex-boyfriend has received a rude surprise. Genetic testing appears to show that her 2 children were fathered by 2 different men — even though they’re twins! (What’s the Chilean phrase for ‘sloppy seconds’?)

THE SHORTER, THE LONGER:
A new study suggests that the secret to a long and faithful marriage for a woman is to marry — a short man. Joint German-American research finds that tall men are more likely to divorce and remarry for the simple reason — they can. Shorter men may want to be unfaithful, but they have fewer opportunities. (Exhibit A: Danny DeVito has been married to the world’s ugliest woman Rhea Perlman for 19 years and counting — he’s a towering 5′-1″.)

THE BULL SHEET 05.22.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1940    [61] Bernard Shaw, just-retired CNN news anchor
1950    [51] Bernie Taupin, Sleaford ENG, lyricist (Elton John’s songwriting partner-“Candle in the Wind”)
1961    [40] Dana Williams, Dayton OH, country singer (Diamond Rio-“One More Day”)
1967    [34] Dan Roberts, Winnipeg MB, pop/rock singer (Crash Test Dummies-“Keep a Lid On It”)
1970    [31] Naomi Campbell, London ENG, fashion model/sometime movie actress (“Girl 6″)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Immigrants Day in Canada”, a day to recognize the contributions of those who came here from elsewhere. (Wouldn’t that include most of us?)

TODAY is “Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day”. (Respect your neighbors, don’t make it drums!)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1992    [09] Johnny Carson hosts his final “Tonight Show”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1761    [240] 1st ‘life insurance’ policy, issued in Philadelphia by the ‘Corporation for the Relief of Poor and Distressed Presbyterian Ministers and of the Poor and Distressed Widows and Children of Presbyterian Ministers’
1841    [160] 1st ‘reclining chair’ patented by Henry Kennedy of Philadelphia
1892    [109] 1st ‘toothpaste tube’, introduced by British dentist Dr Washington Sheffield
1981    [20] Opening of ‘Paramount Canada’s Wonderland’ near Toronto

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1979    [22] Joe Clark becomes Canada’s youngest-ever Prime Minister at age 39
1987    [14] Rick Hansen completes 26-month, 34-country “Man in Motion” tour in wheelchair to raise awareness of disabled issues, in Vancouver

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Penny Day
[Sun] Indianapolis 500
National Safe Boating Week
Foot Health Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?

• Queen Elizabeth II will overtake Queen Victoria as Britain’s longest-serving monarch in 5 years. (BS. Victoria ruled 64 years, while QEII completes her 49th year on the throne THIS YEAR. She’ll need to stick around until age 90 in 2016. But considering she has her 100-year-old mom’s genes, that’s quite possible.)
• You can figure out a frog’s age by counting its rings. (Weird yet TRUE. Frog bones form a new ring every year while froggy is hibernating, so scientists can count them to determine its age — but only after it’s dead.)
• The ‘Mona Lisa’ doesn’t have any eyebrows. (TRUE. In Renaissance Florence shaving off your eyebrows was considered chic. Mona was apparently part of the ‘in crowd’.)
• “O Canada” became our national anthem in 1967. (BS. It wasn’t ‘official’ until 1980.)
• Fewer than half the people struck by lightning are killed. (TRUE, but the rest end up with Don King hair.)
• Honey is often used as an ingredient in the center of golf balls. (TRUE. Now if you could only find the ‘sweet spot’.)

PRISON VS WORK . . .
• In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
• In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
• In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
• In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

BS TAG LINE:
Sure sign you partied too hard over the long weekend – you wake up wearing women’s underwear, then discover that you now need them.

 


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