Friday, May 18, 2001                                                 Edition: #2058

Yee haw! It’s “Victoria Day” weekend, a truly Canadian holiday begun in 1845 as a celebration of national unity (yeah right). It commemorates the birth of Queen Victoria on May 24, 1819, Britain’s longest-reigning monarch (1837-1901).
BS WAYS YOU CAN TELL IT’S THE MAY 2-4 WEEKEND:
• People insist on calling it the ‘May 2-4 Weekend’ even though it’s the May 2-1 Weekend.
• No parking spaces within a block of the Beer Store.
• For no apparent reason, price of gasoline surges to a new all-time high.
• People who never venture outdoors any other time of the year cram onto every available campsite and sit around on makeshift camp stools made from cases of empties.
• Every 2 minutes, some idiot calls the radio station asking, “Where’s the fireworks, eh?”
• All weekend, Canadians ask one another, “Who the hell’s Victoria anyhow?”
• Long range forecast – rain.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Susan Lucci finally won a “Daytime Emmy Award” in 1999 after 18 years of losing, so now the perennial underdog has become Regis Philbin, who could lose in the talk-show host category a 9th time TONIGHT when the hardware’s handed out at NYC’s Radio City Music Hall (due to the goofy rules, he’s also up for a ‘Daytime’ Emmy for his primetime game show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”) . . . TOMORROW “Life’s a Gas Joey Ramone’s Birthday Bash” will be held in NYC celebrating the punk rocker’s 50th birthday even though he kicked April 15 (why let a dead guy get in the way of having a good party?) . . . SUNDAY in Santa Monica CA, Arnold Schwarzenegger will receive the ‘Taurus Honorary Award’ at the 1st-ever “World Stunt Awards” (http://www.worldstuntawards.com), celebrating the best movie stunt people in categories like ‘Best Fire Stunt’, ‘Best Aerial Work’, ‘Best Work With An Animal’ and ‘Best Specialty Stunt’ (other BS honorary awards go to ‘Flathead’ McMullin and the greatest stuntman of all-time — Wile E Coyote) . . . Actor Ryan O’Neal is said to be upbeat about his battle with leukemia (hey, why not? — it’s the first time he’s made the headlines in 30 years!).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Jennifer Lopez plays a cop who falls for lost soul Jim Caviezel, who has an unusual connection to her past in the drama “Angel Eyes” . . . A loner ogre’s swamp is overrun by fairy-tale creatures in the animated comedy “Shrek”, featuring the voices of Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz and Eddie Murphy . . . A waitress (Kate Hudson) falls for a handsome customer (Stuart Townsend) who seduces her, her two sisters, her brother, and her brother’s girlfriend in the comedy “About Adam”.

PRICEY PANTS:
TODAY what may be the oldest blue jeans in the world go up for auction in San Francisco and online at eBay. The ripped and worn Levi’s ‘denim waist overalls’ dating from the1880s were dug up in Nevada in 1998. Butterfields auction house estimates the old pants could sell for up to $40,000. (40 grand for holey jeans? Man, I’m sittin’ on a goldmine!)

ALL WIVED UP:
THIS WEEK a polygamy trial got underway in Utah for 52-year-old Mormon fanatic Tom Green who has 5 wives, 29 children, and 4 more on the way. He’s charged with 4 counts of bigamy and could face 25 years in prison. (Why do Mormon women stop having children at 35? Because 36 is too many.) In a startlingly similar case underway in Cairo, Egypt, businessman Sayed Ragab al-Sawirki is also charged with having 5 wives, the difference being under Islamic law — you can LEGALLY have 4. (This guy’s just greedy!)

BETWEEN THE COVERS:
A new book out THIS MONTH called “Married Lust” offers tips on how to keep passion alive after marriage. What makes it unique is Hearst Books is publishing it with what may be the first-ever ‘reversible jacket’. To keep your kids from becoming interested in the book’s explicit sex advice, you simply turn the jacket inside-out to reveal the phony title “Modern Tactics in Higher Education”. (That’s nothing new – your son puts a “Sports Illustrated” cover on his “Playboys”.)

WAS SHE DRIVING A SEMI?
Brit tabloids are reporting that a UK woman who got lost on a day trip across the English Channel to Calais, France ended up driving a total of 5,000 miles. Seems she drove through France, Spain and all the way to Gibraltar because — she says — she couldn’t find a place to turn around! (Who says only men won’t stop for directions?)

FOR A BOOK, DRINK 3 GALLONS:
Inmates in California’s maximum-security prisons have come up with a new way to send secret messages through the mail – using urine for ink. Apparently it remains invisible until it’s held next to a heat source. (Computers gave us ‘e-mail’, “Survivor” had its ‘tree-mail’, now convicts have invented ‘pee-mail’.)

THE BULL SHEET 05.18.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1912    [D-2001] Perry Como, Canonsburg PA, 1950s crooner who didn’t quite make it to age 89
1920    [81] Pope John Paul II (Karol Wojtyla), Wadowice POL, 264th RC Pope, since 1978 (1st non-Italian in 456 years, 1st Polish pope ever)
1952    [49] George Strait, Pearsall TX, country singer (“If You Can Do Anything Else”, “The Best Day”)
1955    [46] Chow Yun-Fat, Hong Kong, movie actor (“Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, “Anna and the King”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1945     [56] Pete Townshend, Chiswick ENG, dinosaur rock guitarist/singer (The Who-“Tommy”)
1949    [52] Dusty Hill, Dallas TX, classic rock bassist/singer (ZZ Top-“Legs”, “Tush”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Visit Your Relatives Day”, a day to renew family ties with seldom-seen relatives. (Maybe there’s a reason they’re ‘seldom seen’?)

TODAY is “International Museum Day”, a tribute to all the museums of the world, no matter how small, how large — or how strange. (‘Barney Smith’s Toilet Seat Art Museum’ in San Antonio TX, for instance.)

TODAY is “Bike to Work Day”, a day to ease the hassles of commuting by cycling to work and improve the environment by creating less smog. If each person in a community of 100,000 replaced a car trip with a bike trip just once a month, it would cut carbon dioxide emissions by 3,764 tons per year.  NET: http://www.bikeleague.org/

ON THIS DAY . . .
1999    [02] Backstreet Boys release “Millennium” album (1.13 million copies sell in first week)
1999    [02] “Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek gets star on Hollywood Walk of Fame

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] 126th running of the Preakness Stakes (Baltimore)
[Sun] Eliza Doolittle Day (to encourage the proper use of language)
[Mon] National Waitresses/Waiters Day
Public Transportation Week
National Allergy/Asthma Awareness Month (AHHHHH-CHOOOOO!!!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS POLL:

Here’s a rapid-fire poll to use on the phone or on your Website. Ask for the following to be rated simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Add some local items of your own.
• Toll-free phone numbers that are expressed as words.
• That beeping noise trucks make when they back up.
• Elaborate carpet-covered structures for cats to play on.
• Those frilly toothpicks they stick in sandwiches.
• That one little button on the inside of nice pants that you have to connect to that little strap-like thingy.
• Cashiers that put the coins on top of the bills when handing back change.
• Name tags that say “Hello, My Name Is”.

MORE BS AD SLOGANS:
By popular demand, here’s more ad slogans from which contestants have to guess the product.
• “Think Different.” (Apple Macintosh)
• “Life’s a sport — Drink it up” (Gatorade)
• “Solutions For A Small Planet” (IBM)
• “Look, Ma, no cavities!” (Crest)
• “When it rains, it pours!” (Morton Salt)
• “The dog kids love to bite.” (Armour Hot Dogs)
• “Number One in people pleasin” (Holiday Inn)
• “We try harder.” (Avis Rent A Car)

BS TAG LINE:
The best way to convince a fool that he’s wrong is to let him have his own way.

 


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