Thursday, May 3, 2001                                                        Edition: #2047

TONIGHT’S the much-anticipated 3-HOUR “Survivor II” finale. The 1st hour is a regular episode eliminating 1 of the 3 remaining contestants. The 2nd hour is tape of the final 3 days followed by a live tally of the final vote in the LA studio. The 3rd hour is a live reunion with all 16 contestants. Because the final vote was sealed in the Outback, even the contestants don’t know who won.
• Realizing odds of winning are against him, Keith pulls out all the stops, fakes some crocodile tears and proposes marriage to Tina.
• Colby decides to skip final tribal council in order to spend another night with mommy in the back of his new Aztec.
• Just for the helluva it, Jerri is snatched from the jury and sacrificed before the Immunity Idol.
• In a “Mission: Impossible”-type surprise, Tina rips off wig and rubber face mask to reveal she’s actually Richard Hatch.
• Still pissed he made them give up shelter for food, torch-wielding contestants pummel the hell out of Jeff Probst.
• Final contestants face greatest-ever “Survivor” challenge – an interview with Bryant Gumbel.

George Clooney was spotted pawing and smooching “Bridget Jones’s Diary” star Renée Zellweger throughout her 32nd birthday party on the weekend and seemingly has the hots for her (either that or shooting on the sequel has already begun) . . . Destiny’s Child have inked a $2-million deal to flog Candie’s shoes (to pay their “Bills Bills Bills”) . . . Brit pop star Robbie Williams has caused a royal ruckus by boasting to a German interviewer that he’s been sleeping with the 100-year-old Queen Mother (I had to sniff ammonia to get that ugly picture out of my mind) . . . Seems Pam Anderson & Kid Rock were all over each other while playing blackjack at a Vegas casino on the weekend, then took a ‘bathroom break’ – together (can you say ‘quickie’?) . . .  “LA Times” says the reason “Tonight Show” guests may seem a little looser of late is because Jay Leno requested and got a backstage bar last fall (by the way, tonight’s guests include Matthew Perry, Robert Downey Jr and Shannen Doherty).

YESTERDAY Stockwell Day and the Alliance caucus met to discuss a rescue plan for the party. Thanks to a fly on the wall, here it is –
• Visit England to learn how to contain foot ‘n mouth disease.
• Start showing up for Question Period on a Sea-Doo.
• Start acting like a Prime Minister — arrange low interest bank loans for pals of the party.
• To appeal to junk food junkies, change name to ‘Snackwell’.
• Promise to deal with further dissenters ‘Chinese-style’.
• Shorter speeches, tighter pants.

Imperial Tobacco has opened an outdoor lounge in Toronto’s financial district for smokers who can’t find a legal place to suck on a cig. The canopied courtyard features leather recliners, TVs, free cappuccino and, of course, plenty of ashtrays. The company plans to open similar venues in other Canadian cities. (Problem is, air quality is so bad inside puffers keep getting disoriented and think they’re in Hamilton.)THE BULL SHEET 05.03.01

192?    [7?] Mr Blackwell (Richard Selzer), Brooklyn NY, fashion critic with annual ‘Hollywood’s Best & Worst Dressed List’ since 1960/author (“Rags to Bitches”)
1933    [68] James Brown, Barnwell SC, soul/funk singer (“I Feel Good”)/’Hardest Working Man in Show Business’/’Godfather of Soul’/’Soul Brother Number One’
1946     [55] Greg Gumbel, New Orleans LA, CBS sportscaster/Bryant’s less obnoxious brother
1975    [26] Dule Hill, NJ, TV actor (presidential aide Charlie Young-“The West Wing”)

TODAY is the 5th annual “Space Day” celebration, a hi-tech educational event in which schools, museums and planetariums participate in a 2-hour Webcast interacting with the current crew of the International Space Station. (Wow! In my day, we made moon models from plasticine.)

TODAY is “World Press Freedom Day”, as declared by the UN. (Celebrating the right to shove a camera in someone’s face and chip their teeth with a mike.)

TODAY is “Significant Other Day”, sort of an anniversary celebration for unwed couples. (Meaning the male half will forget.)

1971    [30] 1st ‘telephone answering machine’ (next day the term ‘phone rage’ is coined)

1995    [06] Cleveland Indian (now Seattle Mariner) David Bell becomes 3rd generation Bell to play MLB after his grandfather Gus (1950-64) and father Buddy (1972-89)
2000    [01] Atlanta’s 15-game winning streak ends as LA Dodgers beat Braves 6-4 (longest win streak in MLB since Minnesota’s 15 wins in 1991 and longest in NL since 1951)

[Fri] Weather Observers Day (yep, looks like we could get some rain)
[Sun] International No Diet Day
[Tues] No Socks Day
Antique Bottle Collecting Week (“Wow man, a Labatt Ice!”)
National Self-Discovery Month (but mom said I’d go blind!)


Britain’s “Sun tabloid recently sponsored the ‘Bra Olympics’ in which husbands and/or boyfriends competed to undo their partners’ bras in the shortest time. If you’re worried about propriety, have female contestants wear bras overtop clothing.

Q: Which “Survivor II” contestant also applied for the first series but didn’t make the cut?
A: Keith Famie.

Q: What weapon is used in the deadly Japanese martial art called ‘tessenjutsu’.
A: A fan.

BS TAG LINE: Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.


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