Thursday, May 11, 2000                                               Edition:  #1805

MOM’S BS RULES:
• Unless you have a doctor’s note, you will sit down and eat with the rest of the family.
• When going somewhere, you will always take your little sister or brother with you.
• Mom will never comment on your friend’s hair, posture, grammar or outfit — until after they’ve left the house.
• It’s Mom’s job to tell your friends about all the embarrassing things you’ve ever done.
• The silent treatment from the Mom indicates a need for a gift, a card, an apology or all three.
• If your father wanted to know, he’d ask.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
It’s a big night on “ER” tonight with Julianna Margulies’ ‘Carol Hathaway’ character making her farewell in the season’s next-to-last episode (Sugar Ray singer Mark McGrath’s previously announced guest-starring appearance has been edited out but may be used in another episode “Someday” — geez, how bad do you think he was?) . . . Should have seen this coming – that spooky music from “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” has been re-mixed into a hopped-up dance version called “Is That Your Final Answer?” (it’s a CD single on Celador Records) . . . And because you really care – word is Sarah Michelle Gellar recently laid out more than a grand — for a toe ring.

MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
Jennifer Aniston is trying to bust out of her squeaky-clean “Friends” character so she’s just finished filming a steamy orgy scene for “Metal Gods” in which she gets down and dirty with a transsexual during a drunken night with Mark Wahlberg . . . John Mellencamp is starring in the now-filming psychological thriller “After Image” (it’s a little story about Jack and Diane).

E-CARDS:
Estimates say more than half-a-million “Mothers Day” online greeting cards will be sent this year, the most-wired moms day so far. A recent study found that nearly 75% of online users have sent electronic cards and 89% have received them. (E-cards – the thoughtful way to say “Oops I forgot about Mothers Day till the last minute.”)

NOSE HAIR THE SIZE OF LOGS:
This week Elton John unveiled the world’s biggest photo, 900 ft (274 m) long and 60 ft (18 m) high, at London department store Selfridges. The blow-up shows the self-professed ‘god of shopping’, Leo Di Caprio and others in front of the store’s main entrance and will cover the 91-year-old landmark while it undergoes a major renovation.

ANOTHER INFESTATION:
There are concerns a new computer bug labelled “Mother’s Day Order Confirmation” may be even worse than the so called “Love Bug”. Like the “I Love You” virus, the “Mother’s Day” worm is spread via e-mail with a ‘.vbs’ attachment, but if this one’s opened it can totally disable your entire system. (As mom would say, never open e-mail from strangers – you don’t know where it’s been!)

BYE TO THE BIG BILL:
In an attempt to foil organized crime, the Royal Canadian Mint is discontinuing circulation of the Canadian $1,000 bill. (This is shocking – we had a thousand-dollar bill? I get excited when there’s one of those blue jobs in my wallet!)

THE BULL SHEET 05.11.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1927    [73] Mort Sahl, Montreal PQ, comedian/satirist
1943    [57] Nancy Greene, Ottawa ON, Canadian Sports Hall of Fame skier (Gold-giant slalom, Silver-slalom in 1968 Olympics)
1955    [45] Mark Herndon, Springfield MA, country singer (Alabama-God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You)
1963    [37] Natasha Richardson, London ENG, movie actress (Parent Trap, Handmaid’s Tale)/Mrs Liam Neeson/daughter of actress Vanessa Redgrave
1972    [28] Stefen Reid, Merritt BC, CFL linebacker (Montreal Alouettes)
1974    [26] Mike Rathje, Manville AB, 6-5″, 230-lb NHL defenceman (San Jose Sharks)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is “Eat What You Want Day”, to fight our obsession with being thin. (Have another Tim Bit.)

The population of India will cross the one billion mark today, making it the world’s 2nd billionaire country after China. (Coincidently, the one-billionth curry restaurant opens downtown today.)

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996    Tornado flick “Twister” sets May box office record in its opening weekend
1997    IBM’s ‘Deep Blue’ computer defeats champ Garry Kasparov to win 6-game chess re-match
1999    ”Shania Twain Live” video released

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
2181BC [4181] 1st ‘chair’ is purportedly invented (before that, you had squat)
1984    [16] ‘Canadian Security Intelligence Service’ [CSIS] created (Canada’s largest supplier of computer discs)
1998    [02] 1st ‘euros’ are minted in France for European Union

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Limerick Day
[Fri] Canadian Tulip Festival begins
Canadian Forestry Week (Hug-a-Tree Week on Vancouver Island)
More Than Just a Pretty Face Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?

• In a lifetime the average person produces 80,000 pints of spit. (True. Most of [your co-host’s] is on the sidewalk.)
• It would take 3 years to sleep one night in every room at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. (BS. It would actually take 13 years and 8 months [less if you change beds as often as Mick Jagger].)
• The average person ‘breaks wind’ 14 times a day. (Sad but true.)
• For a cannibal, the average human adult offers about 66 lbs of edible meat. (True, according to Nathaniel Philbrick’s new book “In The Heart of the Sea” [which Anthony Hopkins is now reading].)
• It’s “International Nurses Week” — is it true that more nurses suffer on-the-job injuries than police officers? (Yup it’s true. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, more than TWICE as many. [At least they’re not far from the ER.])
• On average, men produce twice as much sweat as women. (BS. It varies person-to-person.)

THE LAST WORD:
The most important things you know about being a mother you learn from your children.

 


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