Wednesday, May 10, 2000                                               Edition:  #1804

BS THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR PLUMBER SAY:
• “You see, all you had to do was jiggle the handle a little bit. That’ll be $25,000.”
• “Come on out of there, little feller. I won’t hurt you.”
• “Oops! That always happens when I bend over. Give my pants a hoist there, will ya?”
• “You got teenage daughters, don’t ya?”
• “Honey, I’m home!”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“Seinfeld’s” ‘Kramer’ is coming back – Michael Richards will star as a former security worker who starts his own detective agency in an as yet untitled NBC-TV sitcom . . . And John O’Hurley, who played ‘J Peterman’ on “Seinfeld”, will host yet another recycled TV game show – a retooled version of the 1950s hit “To Tell the Truth” . . . Rumor has it that hunky actor Antonio Banderas sprays black dye on his bald spots (no big deal, I use it on my chest) . . . Monica Lewinsky says “if the money’s right” she’ll pose naked for a magazine (but so far no offer has been tabled by “Bovine Monthly”).

MOTHER LANDS:
The new “State of the World’s Mothers 2000″ report ranks over 100 countries according to the welfare of their mothers. Norway ranks #1, followed by Canada, Australia, then the US and Switzerland tied at #4.

NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Future-Proof’ . . . A piece of technology that supposedly won’t become outdated immediately after you purchase it. (“If you’re going to buy this PC, I suggest you upgrade to the 800 gigabyte hard drive so you’re future-proof.”)
• ‘Chain Saw Consultant’ . . . An outside expert brought into a company to reduce the number of employees, leaving the top brass with clean hands. (Formerly known as a ‘Hachet Man’.)
• ‘Tourists’ . . . Employees who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. (“We had 3 serious students at the seminar. The rest were tourists.”)

HISTORICAL INACCURACIES IN THE MOVIE “GLADIATOR”:
It slaughtered all competition at the weekend box office earning $34.8 million, according to final figures but . . .
• C’mon now. After coaching the winning gladiator, were ancients usually drenched with Gatorade?
• Unlikely Marcus Aurelius opened matches by saying, “Leeeet’s get ready to rummmmble!”
• It’s a little hard to believe ‘Maximus’ had a guy named ‘Jerius McGuirius’ set up his contracts.
• And how ‘bout those winning gladiators thanking Jesus Christ in post-match press conferences?

A NOSE FOR DIRECTION:
Researchers in Manchester, England think they’ve found the key to why some people seem to never get lost. It may be due to exceptional magnetic bones found in their noses and sinuses similar to the magnetic structures found in homing pigeons which help them perform amazing feats of navigation. (That’s not nose hair, just iron filings!)

We bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new BS subscriber you refer!

THE BULL SHEET 05.10.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1929    [71] Peter C Newman, Toronto ON, financial author/columnist (Maclean’s)
1930     [70] Pat Summerall, Lake City FL, FOX-TV NFL sportscaster/John Madden’s partner
1955    [45] Chris Berman, Greenwich CT, ESPN/ABC sportscaster (Monday Night Football)
1955     [45] Homer Simpson, Springfield, animated character (The Simpsons)
1960     [40] Bono (Paul Hewson), Dublin IRE, rock singer (U2-Sweetest Thing)
1965    [35] Linda Evangelista, St Catharines ON, aging fashion model ranked #4 in wealth
1968    [32] Erik Palladino, Yonkers NY, TV actor (Dr David Mallucci-ER)/film actor (U-571)
1972    [28] Farrell Duclair, Port Aux Prince HAITI, CFL fullback (Calgary Stampeders)
1975    [25] Adam Deadmarsh, Trail BC, NHL winger (Colorado Avalanche)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
• Today is “Clean Up Your Room Day”. If this is an annual event, what kinda pigsty do you live in?
• Today is “National Small Business Day”. A ‘small business’ is commonly defined as one with fewer than 100 employees. The only ones not celebrating are the ones that used to be ‘big businesses’.
• Today is “Trust Your Intuition Day”, a day to listen to your ‘gut feelings’ and act upon them.
• Today is “National 3rd Shift Workers Day”, honoring everyone who works the night shift. Ask for calls from people with unusual all-night jobs.
• The glitzy 53rd “Cannes Film Festival” opens today on the French Riviera and reels until May 21st.
Canadian director Denys Arcand’s “Stardom” will be the closing night gala, the first time a Canadian film has held the prestigious slot. NET: http://www.festival-cannes.fr

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY . . .
1999    “The Mummy” racks up $45 million in its opening weekend to top the movie box office
1999    Daytime soap “As the World Turns” airs its 11,000th show (a media watch group says 40% of North Americans who stay at home during the day watch at least 10 hours of soaps a week)
1999    Boston’s Nomar Garciaparra has a decent day — hitting 2 grand slams and a 2-run homer to become the first AL player with 10 RBIs since 1975 and leading Red Sox past Mariners 12-4

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Eat What You Want Day (and remember, Monica – you are what you eat)
[Fri] Limerick Day (“There one was a girl named Irene . . .”)
[Fri] Canadian Tulip Festival begins (Ottawa)
[Sun] National Dance Like A Chicken Day
Universal Family Week
Personal History Awareness Month (like when the judge reads your criminal record)

BULL’S BITS . . .
ONE MOTHER OF A QUIZ:

• This Latin term for ‘bountiful mother’ is now used to refer to a former school. (Alma Mater.)
• This airplane named after the unit commander’s mother dropped the first atomic bomb on Japan. (‘Enola Gay’)
• Coincidently, this was astronaut Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s maiden name. (‘Moon’. He was the 2nd
man on the Moon in 1969.)
• The embryos of this animal fight each other while in the mother’s womb and only the survivor is born. (Tiger Shark.)
• Actress Melanie Griffith’s mother, also an actress, best known for her lead role in Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”. (Tippi Hendren)

THE LAST WORD: My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

 


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