Friday, May 5, 2000                                                 Edition:  #1801

BS BUTTONS THAT SHOULD BE ON YOUR TV REMOTE:
• One that makes “SNL” entertaining again.
• ‘Rap-Mute’.
• ‘Subtitles For Interviews With Pro Athletes’ button.
• ‘Reverse V-chip’ — makes shows more violent.
• ‘Skip Directly to the Nude Scene’ button.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Today’s the new deadline to apply to be on the CBS-TV show “Big Brother”, the one where 10 complete strangers attempt to live together while every little detail of their personal lives is caught on camera (hmm, wonder why they were short on applications?) . . . Sunday Drew Carey is keynote speaker at Cleveland State University’s commencement and receives an honorary ‘Doctor of Humane Letters’ degree . . . There’ll soon be a new line of Van Heusen dress shirts and ties patterned after Regis Philbin’s look on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” (in case you like a tie that doubles as a mirror) . . . Madonna’s recently fired butler Eric Martin-Ienco is threatening to sue the ‘Material Mom’ for $150,000 and has already sold his story to a Brit tabloid (it’s so hard to get good help these days).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Two foes duke it out in the Coliseum with the fate of Rome at stake in the epic action- adventure “Gladiator”, starring Oscar-nominee Russell Crowe and Joaquin Phoenix (a BC version of the WWF) . . . Kim Basinger & Vincent Perez in the drama “I Dreamed of Africa”, the saga of a couple who faces danger and hardship after moving to Kenya (moving to the wilderness with Kim Basinger — now THAT’S hardship).

IT’S DOOMSDAY . . . AGAIN:
Today there is what’s called a ‘conjunction’ of the Sun, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn and the Moon, an unusual alignment of heavenly bodies that’s giving some astronomers orgasms and causing others to predict the end of the world. In fact, Richard Noone’s bestselling book “5/5/2000 Ice: The Ultimate Disaster” forecasts that the Earth’s poles will shift today and continents will crack, buckle and collide. (Just in case there’s something to this, I’m putting off mowing the lawn until Sunday.)

INVISIBLE INK:
According to a new Lloyds Bank poll, bankers, accountants and lawyers are just as likely to have a tattoo as bikers. But of the professionals polled who had some form of ‘body art’, over a quarter say they hide it while at work. (Next time you’re sweating over a bank loan, just imagine what may be on your banker’s butt.)

THERE’S HOPE FOR [YOUR CO-HOST]!
A new study by German psychologist Dr Heidrun Brauer finds that gorgeous women are often more turned on by men whose faces would stop a clock than by handsome, self-involved Romeos. The reason, he says, is simple — ugly men try harder!

ANGER ATTACKS:
A new American Heart Association study finds that people who are highly anger-prone are nearly 3 times more likely to have heart attacks. (You know what really burns me? These STUPID ALARMIST STUDIES that have absolutely no basis in . . . aggghhhh!!!)

THE BULL SHEET 05.05.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1943    [57] Michael Palin, Sheffield ENG, TV personality (Hemingway Adventure, Pole to Pole)/movie actor (Fish Called Wanda)/ex-Monty Python’s Flying Circus comedy troupe
1966    [34] Mike Stapleton, Sarnia ON, NHL center (Atlanta Thrashers)
1981    [19] Danielle Fishel, Mesa AZ, TV actress (Topanga Lawrence-Matthews-Boy Meets World)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1945     [55] Bob Seger, Ann Arbor MI, Jurassic rocker (Against the Wind, Night Moves)
1953    [47] Tony Blair, Edinburgh SCOT, British Prime Minister since ‘97 (Labour Party)
1960    [40] Roma Downey, Derry N IRE, TV actress (Monica-Touched By An Angel)
1961    [39] George Clooney, Lexington KY, movie actor (Three Kings, Out of Sight)/ex-TV actor (Dr Douglas Ross-ER)
1972    [28] Martin Brodeur, Montréal PQ, NHL goaltender (New Jersey Devils)/will he celebrate by stoning the Leafs in Game 5?

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
• Today marks the “Halfway Point of Spring”. Some signs Spring is half over — the Cubs are looking forward to next season, and there are just 4,218 more episodes of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” left until Summer.
• Tomorrow is the 126th running of the “Kentucky Derby” in Louisville KY. But what may be more exciting than the actual race this year is the celebrity-studded parties. The “Barnstable-Brown Gala”, for instance, will include Kid Rock, 3 of the Backstreet Boys, George Strait, Travis Tritt, Emmylou Harris, Chaka Khan and Chris Isaak.
• Tomorrow is the 9th annual “International No Diet Day” co-sponsored the Canadian Association for Size Acceptance, part of a worldwide campaign to convince us to stop being obsessed with weight.
• Sunday is 5th annual “International Unmothers Day”, a day for women who’ve chosen NOT to bloat up like a blimp, NOT to wear goofy pants with a Lycra panel, and NOT to have stretch marks. A day to recognize that ‘a woman’s worth is not determined by motherhood alone’.

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996    Czech Republic breaks tie with 19 secs left to win ‘World Hockey Championship’ vs Canada
1999    Julia Roberts guest stars as suspect in a sex murder in special 200th episode of “Law & Order” on NBC-TV, as a favour to boyfriend and show co-star Benjamin Bratt

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1904     [96] MLB’s 1st ‘perfect game’ (Boston Americans’ Cy Young vs Philadelphia)
1980     [20] 1st non-British player to win ‘World Snooker Championship’ (Canada’s Cliff Thorburn)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Beverage Day (I’ll drink to that!)
[Mon] No Socks Day (put the cat out, Bill)
National Herb Week
National BBQ Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: In what work environment would you find the most marriages between co-workers?
A: Workplace research shows that there are more marriages between hospital co-workers than in any other workplace. (Tomorrow is “International Nurses Day”, kicking off “International Nurses Week”.)

THE LAST WORD: There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

 


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