Wednesday, May 3, 2000                                               Edition:  #1799

BS SIGNS YOUR GRANDMOTHER USED TO BE AN EXOTIC DANCER:
• Birthday gifts from her always consist of well-crumpled 5-dollar bills.
• That ‘fireman’ pole you had so much fun on as a child doesn’t seem to go anywhere.
• You’re starting to suspect that those big sparkly platforms aren’t all that ‘orthopedic’.
• You’d rather forget your bachelor party.
• Whenever you visit her, there’s a 2-drink minimum.
• Some place called ‘The Pleasure Palace’ mysteriously picks up the tab for her hip replacement.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Tonight is the swan song for the long-suffering ‘Salinger’ orphans as FOX-TV airs a 2-hour “Party of Five” series finale (you can get into Neve Campbell’s jeans if you bid on the show’s wardrobe in a charity auction at www.partyoffive.com) . . . Dolly Parton hosts tonight’s 35th annual “Academy of Country Music Awards” in LA (Tim McGraw has 7 nominations and Tammy Wynette will be the first posthumous recipient of the ‘Pioneer Award’) . . . There’s buzz on the Web that the Rolling Stones will tour again in 2001, the year drummer Charlie Watts turns 60 (they’ve been the #1 grossing act in every year they’ve toured since 1989).

MONSTER REWARD:
The Penticton BC Chamber of Commerce is offering a $2 million reward for scientific proof of the existence of the legendary Okanagan Lake monster ‘Ogopogo’. And it has taken out an insurance policy just in case somebody actually  manages to do that. The reason for all this? Tourism bucks, what else?
PHONER: 800-663-5052/250-492-4103 (John Singleton, Chamber of Commerce Manager)

THE OL’ BATTLE AX IS OK:
A new “Chatelaine” magazine poll of 600 Canadians finds 90% of us actually love our mother-in-laws. And 9% say the relationship with their mother-in- laws is closer than with their own mothers. (Funny how Hallmark Canada sponsored the poll just BEFORE “Mother’s Day”.)

DECADENCE ON A STICK:
“The Wall Street Journal” reports the new haute cuisine dessert in upscale restaurants in France these days consists of Mars or Snickers candy bars deep-fried in fish ‘n chips batter and served with whipped cream and strawberry syrup. (Just ask for the ‘Regis Philbin heart special’.)

OPEN MOUTH, APPLY SOAP:
Under the Ontario government’s new ‘Code of Conduct’ for schools, a student will be immediately suspended for swearing at a teacher or other person in authority, for being in possession of alcohol, or for being under the influence of alcohol. (If the code extends to college level, the entire Queens University School of Engineering will have to shut down.)

NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Madge’ or ‘Maddy’ . . . What the British press likes to call Madonna now that she’s more or less a full-time resident.
• ‘Pomosexual’ . . . People who claim to be bisexual because they think it’s hip but would never actually have a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex.

THE BULL SHEET 05.03.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
192?    [7?] Mr Blackwell (Richard Selzer), Brooklyn NY, fashion critic with annual ‘Hollywood’s Best & Worst Dressed List’ since 1960/author (Rags to Bitches)
1933    [67] James Brown, Barnwell SC, soul/funk singer (I Feel Good)/’The Hardest Working Man in Show Business’/’The Godfather of Soul’/’Soul Brother Number One’
1947     [D-Feb, 2000] Doug Henning, Ft Gary MB, magician/yogic flyer (Natural Law Party)
1963    [37] Jeff Hornacek, Elmhurst IL, NBA guard (Utah Jazz)
1972    [28] Vyacheslav “Slava” Kozlov, Voskresensk RUS, NHL winger (Detroit Red Wings)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is “World Press Freedom Day”, declared by the UN to celebrate the right to shove a camera in your face and chip your teeth with a microphone.

“We’re Funny That Way”, Canada’s international gay and lesbian comedy festival, runs today through Saturday at Toronto’s Buddies In Bad Times Theatre. Interestingly, some of this year’s performers are  heterosexual, or as the gay community refers to them — ‘breeders’.

Today is “Significant Other Day”, a day for men who ‘live in sin’ to get in trouble with their partners just like married men on their wedding anniversaries.

Today is “Lumpy Rug Day”, a day to encourage the teasing of bigots for sweeping unwelcome facts under the rug.

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999    Baltimore Orioles play exhibition baseball game vs Cuban national team
1999    “Entrapment”, starring Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones, tops the movie box office
1999    Dow Jones Industrial Average sets new record, closing at 11,014 points

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1971    [29] 1st ‘Telephone Answering Machine’ (the first step on the road to ‘phone rage’)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Weather Observers Day (yep, looks like we could get some rain)
National Pet Week (NET: http://www.bsava.com/npw/)
National Bike Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:

Q: What benchmark did MLB player David Bell set when he started his career with the Cleveland Indians 5 years ago today (1995)?
A: David (now a Seattle Mariner) became the 3rd generation Bell to play MLB after his grandfather Gus (1950-64), and his farther Buddy (1972-89).
(Source: “The Sporting News”)

Q: Which Canadian city has the highest per-capita car ownership in the country?
A: Greater Vancouver, where 80% of the ground-level ozone is generated by vehicles.
(Source: “Canadian Geographic” – May/June edition)

THE LAST WORD:
Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.


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