Thursday, May 7, 2009        Edition: #4013
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!


Today iconic 86-year-old French designer Pierre Cardin is expected to be released from hospital after being flown to a Marseille clinic suffering high blood pressure (last week he broke his shoulder blade in a fall down the stairs) . . . Hair-metal Broadway musical “Rock of Ages” has received 5 “Tony Award” nominations, propelled by 1980s rock anthems from the likes of Bon Jovi, Foreigner, Joan Jett, Journey, Pat Benatar, Reo Speedwagon, and Twisted Sister (the hardware’s handed out June 7th at NYC’s Radio City Music Hall) . . . ‘Twi-hards’ are in a tizzy that an alleged early draft of the script for the “Twilight” sequel “New Moon” has leaked online, thereby spoiling the upcoming feature film (uh kids, you do know the movie is based on a mega-selling book, no?) . . . After anti-gay comments and revelations about a pageant-paid boob-job, ‘Miss California’, Carrie Prejean, is in trouble again, this time due to topless pics that have surfaced online, which she defends as ‘artistic shots’ from her modeling past (time to give back the tiara, hon’) . . . Speaking of shedding tops, 40-year-old actress Jennifer Aniston appears au naturel in a new ad campaign for Smartwater (these days her bod’ is getting more exposure than her movies) . . . And several reports now claim that “24“ actor Kiefer Sutherland got horrifically drunk at this week’s Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute gala in NYC, running around acting weird in a giant feather boa beforehand, then allegedly head-butting a designer at an after-party (oh oh, sounds like someone fell off the wagon).


• “Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC/CTV) – in this, the landmark 100th episode, a group of college students is admitted to the ER after being injured in a car crash … just as ‘Meredith’ & ‘Derek’ are finally prepared to become ‘Mr & Mrs McDreamy’. The wedding invitation on ‘Izzie’s blog …
• “Hell’s Kitchen“ (FOX/CityTV) – The final 2 chefs get the chance to design their own restaurants. (What could !?!%#*$ go wrong?)
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Flo Rida (“Right Round”) is the musical guest.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Ben Harper & Relentless7 perform.
• “Survivor: Tocantins” (CBS/Global) – One castaway must decide whether to give up personal comfort to benefit the rest of the tribe. (Is this the week we finally see the hind end of ‘Coach’? Please?)

• Christina Aguilera – It’s now confirmed she’ll make her lead actress debut in a movie called “Burlesque”, playing a small town singer who finds love & success in a neo-burlesque club. The movie will shoot later this year. Her previous acting experience was a voice role in the animated “Shark Tale”.
• Fall Out Boy – Their current North American tour has suffered a run of bad luck that includes injuries to crew members, technical glitches, and a bout of food poisoning. Convinced the tour is jinxed, they’ve reportedly turned to ‘reverse voodoo dolls’ and even called in a witch doctor.
• Keith Urban – Tonight he launches his “Escape Together World Tour” in Uncasville CT. Wife Nicole Kidman & their daughter Sunday Rose will accompany him on much of the trek in his newly renovated tour bus. For tonight’s show, Sugarland is the opening act.
• Nine Inch Nails – Trent Reznor is being honored as ‘Artist Of the Year’ by the annual “Webby Awards”, thanks in part to posting his album “The Slip” online for fans to download free. The gala honoring contributions to the Internet is coming up in June.
• Trace Adkins – He’ll make a guest appearance on the 3-hour season finalé of “The Celebrity Apprentice” (NBC) this Sunday. The country star was runner-up to Piers Morgan last year.


A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “The Beaver” – Steve Carrell (“The Office”), who was previously linked to the leading role, looks set to be replaced by comic actor Jim Carrey and actress/director Jodie Foster is in negotiations to helm this comedy about a man who becomes reliant on his beaver hand puppet for company. It’s not due in theaters until 2011.
• “Carousel” – Hugh Jackman (“Wolverine”) has developed a movie script for the beloved Stephen Sondheim stage musical and is trying to persuade Anne Hathaway to play ‘Julie Jordan’ opposite his ‘Billy Bigelow’. You might remember Hathaway joined Jackman for a song & dance routine at this year’s Academy Awards.
• “Flanimals” – Brit comedian/TV show creator Ricky Gervais (“The Office”, “Extras”) is adapting his children’s book series for a 3-D bigscreen animated feature. Gervais will voice the lead character, a fat purple gremlin on a mission to change the world. He says it will be great to play a ‘short, fat, sweaty loser for a change … a real stretch’.
• “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” – “Anchorman” writers Will Ferrell & Adam Mackay plan to put an occult twist on the classic children’s tale. This horror comedy version will serve as a sequel of sorts to the original Brothers Grimm fairytale, picking up 15 years later when the siblings have become full-fledged bounty hunters.
• “Mike Tyson Story” – Actor/singer Jamie Foxx reveals he’s working on securing the rights to make a bio-film about the oft-troubled former heavyweight boxing champ. He would also play the lead role, an idea hatched after talking to Tyson several times. A documentary film called “Tyson”, which mixes new interviews & archival footage, is currently showing in limited release.

Everyone knows physical expressions often display what’s going on inside the head, but now psychologists believe the opposite is also true … our feelings and attitudes can be swayed by what our bodies are doing. For instance, if you nod your head while judging something it will cue your brain to form a positive response. Conversely, shaking the head will most likely elicit a negative opinion. And for some reason, pressing up on the bottom of your desktop flexes the muscles that signal a brain-boost of creativity. (We did 500 reps this morning … can you tell?)
– “Psychology Today”


You don’t need science to make you feel good about sleeping in, eating and drinking, right? A new study that tracks the sleeping & eating patterns of people in the world’s 18 wealthiest nations has found that France ranks #1 in several categories. French citizens sleep almost 9 hours per night on average, over an hour longer than the average Japanese or Korean. When they finally do get out of bed, they spend over 2 hours-a-day eating food, more than twice as long as the average Mexican. (And don’t get them started on wine … or sex.)
– “Daily Mail”


Researcher Dan Buettner has discovered a new ‘blue zone’, an area where people experience exceptionally long lifespans. On the tiny Greek island of Icaria, 1-in-3 residents lives to the age of 90 or more, the highest such concentration in the world. They also have a 20% lower rate of cancer, a 50% lower rate of heart disease, and no dementia. So what makes them live long and healthy? 20% can be explained by genetics; the rest is lifestyle. Icarians live in mountain villages that necessitate constant walking; and their diet is high in olive oil and locally grown fruits & vegetables. In fact, some 150 kinds of veggies grow wild on the island. Another possibility: Icarians drink herbal teas every day, morning and night. (Wow, 90 must seem like 270.)

• Identical twins in China have gotten married to … identical twins. One brother met one of the sisters at work and fell in love. The other brother & sister met at the engagement party and they instantly fell for each other. They wore different-colored clothing at the wedding, but since then relatives have found it almost impossible to tell them apart.
• Due to fear of swine flu, Afghanistan has quarantined its pig … it’s only pig. The li’l porker is a curiosity in the Muslim country, where pig products are illegal because they are considered irreligious. Normally on display along with other exotic wildlife at the Kabul Zoo, it has been in quarantine since Sunday after visitors expressed alarm it could spread the H1N1 flu strain.
– Reuters
• After a series of burglaries, owners of businesses in Split, Croatia have put life-sized cutouts of kung-fu action man Chuck Norris in their windows. An accompanying sign in each window reads, ‘This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris!’ Sounds dumb, right? Guess what? There hasn’t been a single burglary since.
– “New York Post”


1946 [63] Bill Kreutzmann, Palo Alto CA, classic rock musician (The Dead, formerly Grateful Dead-“Touch Of Grey”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1994)

1974 [35] Breckin Meyer, Minneapolis MN, movie actor (“Ghosts of Girlfriends Past“, “Road Trip”)

• “Canadian Emergency Preparedness Week”, a day to prepare for specific emergency situations at home, work, school, or when traveling. The 3 steps to emergency preparedness: put together an emergency kit; make an emergency plan; know the hazards in your area.

• “Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day”, to promote effective programs for children’s mental health needs and to show how these kids can thrive in their communities.

• “Odd Day”, another math-related holiday invented by California teacher Ron Gordon (who also founded “Square Root Day”). Today’s calendar date (as written in North America) is 5-7-9, which only happens once in a century. Odd days overall happen just 6 times per century. Gordon says that makes this a day to be ‘awed by the odd’.

• “Privy Diggers Day”, honoring those who excavate outhouses to explore the past. Man, what a crappy job!


1999 [10] “The Mummy”, starring Brendan Fraser, opens in movie theaters (spawning 2 sequels)


1660 [349] 1st ‘Macaroni’ is invented by Isaack Fubine (the next day, an accompanying orange powder is invented that contains ‘synthetic cheese product’)

1988 [21] 1st convention of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens (oh to own the tin hat concession at this little get-together!)


1934 [75] ‘World’s Largest Pearl’ (14 lbs/6.4 kg) found at Palawan, Philippines (whoa, how big was that oyster?)

1994 [15] 555 guitarists in Vancouver simultaneously play BTO’s “Takin’ Care of Business” for 68 minutes (a gathering of people who only know 3 chords)


[Fri] “Star Trek”; “Next Day Air” open in movie theaters
[Fri] No Socks Day
[Fri] Child Care Provider Day
[Fri] Military Spouse Appreciation Day
[Fri] Full ‘Flower’ Moon
[Sat] Miniature Golf Day
[Sat] Stay Up All Night Day
[Sun] Mothers Day
This Week Is … Goodwill Industries Week
This Month Is … Motorcycle Safety Month


• ‘Understand Your Mother Instantly Breath Spray’ ($5.99) – Sometimes it seems like mom speaks a different language. Now there’s a product that makes her instantly understandable. How does it work? Well, we really don’t know. (But will be pleased to take your money anyway.)
• ‘How to Traumatize Your Children‘ ($9.95) – Moms try their best to screw up kids but most grow up to be normal adults anyway. This indispensable book takes the guesswork out of raising a dysfunctional child, teaching mom everything from how to shatter self-esteem to how to buy a child’s love. Don’t leave bad parenting to chance; help mom get it wrong the first time!
• ‘Already Been Chewed Cookie Cutters’ ($10.99) – Create cookies that appear to have a huge bite taken out of them. They’re not real teeth marks … just shaped that way by the cookie cutter. Send the kids to school with ‘ABC Cookies’ and the bullies will be too grossed out to steal them. (Rub some of your spit around the edge for even more authenticity.)
• ‘Brag Bag’ ($7.99) – These days everybody wants to show everyone else how they’re saving the planet. Well, now you can say it loud with this reusable faux-canvas shopping bag emblazoned “My Reusable Bag Makes Me Better Than You”. (A lot cheaper than a hybrid car!)
• ‘I Love You Toast Stamp’ ($4.95) – Just press this little gadget against the bread before toasting, then put the toaster on the dark setting. The toast comes out with a ‘I [heart] You’ watermark … er burn mark or whatever. (Thoughtful? Not on your life.)

• You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
• Someone else’s kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
• You find yourself cutting your husband’s sandwiches into cute shapes.
• You hear your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth when you say, “NOT in your good clothes!”
• You donate to charities in the hope that your child won’t get that disease.
• You hire a sitter because you haven’t been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
• You use your own spit to clean your kid’s face.
– Condensed from “Brain Candy Collections”.

Tired of getting those “Your car warranty is about to expire” telemarketing robo-calls? They can happen several times a week even if you’re on the ‘Do Not Call’ list. Well, thanks to some clever people over at Reddit, we now have their phone number so you can call THEM 482 times a day. Will this stop them? Probably not; according to the “Arizona Daily Star”, it’s more than just a one-company operation.
PHONE: Auto One Warranty 949.475.9500 / 800.499.5711
– Thanks to


Have a contestant try to guess what each of these animal’s mothers is called …
• Swine … Sow.
• Turkeys … Hen.
• Horses … Mare.
• Rabbits … Doe.
• Sheep … Ewe (Dam).
• Bison … Cow.
• Goats … Nanny.
• Swans … Pen.
• Geese … Goose.
• Llama … Female.


If you could blow something up, what would it be? (In a recent poll, the #1 answer was our computers, followed by our credit cards.)

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

Today’s Question: Many of us do THIS every day but only 10% who start it actually finish it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Crossword puzzle.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

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