Wednesday, May 20, 2009        Edition: #4022
Another Sheetload of Bull!


Today the man accused of ransacking the Las Vegas hotel suite of actress Kelly Monaco while she hid under the bed is scheduled to stand trial for burglary, home invasion, and trespassing (not to mention being oblivious) . . . “Grey’s Anatomy” actress Katherine Heigl will allow her work to be considered for an “Emmy Award” this year after choosing to opt out last year because ‘she didn’t have material with which she could compete’ (so, it seems there is an upside to cancer) . . . MTV Games has announced the June 9th release of “Rock Band Unplugged”, an acoustic version of the videogame featuring tunes as diverse as “Float On” by Modest Mouse to The Who’s “Pinball Wizard” . . . Actresses Gwyneth Paltrow (‘Pepper Potts’) & Scarlett Johansson (‘Black Widow’) are reportedly feuding on the set of “Iron Man 2”, Paltrow apparently fed up with Scarlett’s constant demands of the crew (this could be useful – put them in a mud pit and film it!) . . . 22-year-old idle rich girl Ashley Olsen admits to the new issue of “VMAN” magazine she has no idea why she’s still a celebrity (join the club, hon’) . . . 53-year-old Mel Gibson’s 39-year-old girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is reportedly several months pregnant with his child, which will be her 2nd spawn, his 8th (oops, his upcoming divorce just got a whole lot more expensive) . . . Actress Penelope Cruz has missed promoting her new movie “Nine” at the “Cannes Film Festival” after falling ill with stomach flu (stuck in the can in Cannes?) . . . And 33-year-old NY Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) seems to have traded in a vintage Madonna (50) for a late-model Kate Hudson (30), the twosome spotted getting cozy while celebrating post-game in a restaurant’s private dining room (careful Kate, you don’t know where his bat’s been!).


• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – In the 2-hour season finalé, the top 13 contestants reunite; Black Eyed Peas, Carlos Santana, Keith Urban, Queen Latifah and – rumor has it – Britney Spears perform; then the winner between Adam Lambert & Kris Allen is revealed.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – This afternoon reigning “American Idol” champ David Cook is a guest.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Newly touring No Doubt performs.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Country star Dierks Bentley is on.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Mandy Moore is the musical guest.

• Alicia Keys – Rap producer Swizz Beatz has confirmed she & he are an item, ending months of speculation about their rumored relationship.
• Julianne Hough – The dancer-turned-country singer has cleared up rumors she’s quitting as a professional dancer, saying she hopes to return to “Dancing With the Stars” in 2010.
• LeAnn Rimes – She & husband Dean Sheremet have listed their Tennessee mansion on the market for $7.45 million. The move comes just days after Rimes & actor Eddie Cibrian were reportedly spotted together again, this time at an LA Lakers basketball game.
• Pearl Jam – They’ll be part of Conan O’Brien’s first “Tonight Show” when he takes over June 1st (NBC). According to “Billboard”, the band will play tracks from their upcoming studio album.
• Pussycat Dolls –  Nicole Scherzinger says she’s ready to settle down and it would be nice if her F-1 race car driver boyfriend Lewis Hamilton proposed … this Summer. Hint!
• Rock Ross – The heavyweight rapper says he wants to move into the fashion industry and create a line of clothes for ‘big men’. Something that doesn’t come with poles & pegs perhaps.
• Rihanna – She’s finally put rumors to rest that she wants to reconcile with Chris Brown by stepping out for a wild party with a mystery man … at a NYC strip club.

A Connecticut college is offering a non-credit course for students interested in becoming experts in … craps. 68-year-old Nino Nistri, who’s been gambling since age 11, is teaching the course on the rules & language of craps at Manchester Community College. The program consists of four 2-hour sessions. Students receive a pair of regulation dice, a laminated odds sheet, and a copy of Nistri’s book on the game, appropriately titled “Craps”. (They should also receive a toilet to flush all their money down.)


New terms leaking into the lingo …
•  ‘Hebophiles’ – Adults who are sexually attracted to teenagers. (Not ‘perverts’?)
• ‘Obamastration’ – A new contracted nickname for the President Barack Obama’s administration. (Well, it’s better than ‘Obamanation’.)
• ‘Sweethearting’ – When supermarket cashiers use sleight-of-hand tricks to pass free products to friends, such as covering bar codes, slipping items behind the scanner, passing by 2 items at a time while only charging for one. New security systems use surveillance cameras to automatically spot the crime. (For a lousy 10 bucks an hour, these should be considered perks.)

A new global assessment reveals that a record number of bird species are now listed as ‘threatened with extinction’. The so-called ‘Red List’, compiled by the International Union for Conservation of Nature, now numbers 1,227 species at risk – 12% of all known birds – and 192 species as ‘critically endangered’. The main threats to bird populations are agriculture, logging, and invasive species. (Why can’t that dive-bomber in the tree over our driveway be listed?)
– BBC News


A breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 80% of guys say they’d feel uncomfortable having naked women at their bachelor party.
• 58% of church-going single guys say they’ve tried to meet women while worshiping.
• 52% of women say they have more stress now than 6 months ago.
• 33% of women admit to purposely letting elevator doors close before a co-worker could get in.
• 20% of guys say their garage is their favorite place to hang out.
• 7% of men have  said “I love you” on a first date.

Transport of London has come up with a new technology it hopes will stop speeding and reduce accidents. The ‘Intelligent Speed Adaptation’ software program can automatically reduce speed when it perceives a vehicle is traveling too fast. This Summer, a total of 20 vehicles, including cars, buses & cabs, will be testing the new gizmo. Each vehicle will be equipped with a monitor that displays a digital London map, corresponding speed limits, and a GPS so the software can calculate how fast a vehicle should be going based on its real-time location. (According to a recent study, the average speed of traffic in clogged-up London is only 7 mph – so what’s the problem?)
– “Discover Magazine”

A new ranking of the best bad-guys on television …
5. ‘Ben Linus’ from “Lost”.
4. ‘Sylar’ from “Heroes”.
3.’ Dexter Morgan’ from “Dexter”.
2. ‘Alpha’ from “Dollhouse”.
1. ‘Red John’ from “The Mentalist”.


• About 15% of an average home energy bill goes to heating water. To save hot water, take 5-minute showers instead of baths.
– “Philadelphia Inquirer”
• Health experts have discovered that mosquitoes can’t stand ‘marmite’, a vegetarian spread made from brewer’s yeast that’s popular in the UK and Australia. Apparently consuming it causes skin to give off an odor that’s undetectable to humans, but repulsive to mosquitoes.
– “Daily Mirror”


1944 [65] Joe (John Robert) Cocker, Sheffield UK, oldies singer (“You Are So Beautiful”, “With a Little Help From My Friends”)/movie actor (“Across the Universe”)

1946 [63] Cher (Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPierre), El Centro CA, Las Vegas attraction (“Cher At the Colosseum” through 2011)/pop singer (“Believe”, Sonny & Cher-“I Got You Babe”)/movie actress (1988 Oscar-“Moonstruck”)

1949 [60] Dave Thomas, St Catharines ON, TV actor (“Bob & Doug” 2009, “SCTV” 1976-82)/movie actor (“Rat Race”, “Strange Brew”)

1972 [37] Busta Rhymes (Trevor Smith Jr), Brooklyn NY, rapper (“Touch It”, Pussycat Dolls f/Busta Rhymes–“Don’t Cha”)

• “Eliza Doolittle Day”, a day named in honor of the lead character in the famous musical “My Fair Lady”. The occasion is inspired by a couplet from the song “Just You Wait”: ‘Next week on the 20th of May/I proclaim Eliza Doolittle Day’. Participants are encouraged to mark the day by making proper use of language. Hey, that ain’t too bad an idee!

• “Employee Health & Fitness Day”, highlighting the idea that fit employees perform better on the job. Many work environments now include fitness centers as part of their facilities, explaining this year’s theme: ‘Working Out at Work: Fitness Isn’t Just for Weekends Anymore’.

• “National Geography Bee”, the 21st annual final in Washington DC, hosted by “Jeopardy’s” Alex Trebek. $50,000 worth of scholarships & prizes are up for grabs. The finals air on the National Geographic Channel, then later on PBS.
Take the daily ‘GeoBee Challenge’ here and find out how badly you suck …

• “Weights & Measures Day”, in celebration of the 1875 treaty that established the International Bureau of Weights & Measures, thereby standardizing values. That means you’re just as fat in Burkina Faso as you are here at home.

1993 [16] 80.4 million viewers tune in for the final episode of NBC-TV sitcom “Cheers”

2003 [06] Series finalé of TV’s “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer”, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar


1998 [11] Rocker Tommy Lee is sentenced to 6 months in prison after pleading no contest to abusing then-wife Pamela Anderson

1874 [135] Levi Strauss & Co 1st markets ‘Blue Jeans with Copper Rivets’ ($13.50 per dozen)

1892 [117] 1st practical ‘Clothes Dryer’ invented by George Sampson (the next day the first sock mysteriously disappears)

1990 [19] Hubble telescope sends 1st photos from space

[Thurs] Wait Staff Day
[Thurs] “Terminator Salvation” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Maritime Day
[Fri] “Dance Flick”; “Night At the Museum: Battle Of the Smithsonian” opens in movie theaters
[Sat] World Beard & Moustache Championships (Anchorage AK)
This Week Is … International Reggae Music Week
This Month Is … Osteoporosis Prevention Month


Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – You’ll discover the person of your dreams this week. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been a good week for dreams.
• Taurus – You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.
• Gemini – It’s time for you to find yourself someone to settle down with, even if you just pick at random. If random fails, go for whoever doesn’t violently sick-up on your clothing.
• Cancer – Quit worrying about failure. It’s really hard to fail if you have no purpose.
• Leo – Your goal of drinking 8 glasses of water today won’t seem so admirable when you get stuck in drive-home traffic.
• Virgo – Though fashion tends to repeat itself, there’s little hope for your collection of Quiet Riot T-shirts making a comeback.
• Libra – A rare cosmic phenomenon will make you find “Dilbert” comics funny this week … but only for a few minutes.
• Scorpio – Your boss is growing suspicious of your corporate credit card bills. Maybe Henry’s House of Poontang isn’t the best place to entertain your clients ‘John Smith’ and ‘Bill Black’.
• Sagittarius – Today’s the day to do it! Shave off that peach fuzz moustache you’ve been working on since high school. You’re just making the other girls in the office jealous!
• Capricorn – While buying bulk is normally a good thing, you might want to make sure the boss’ name is spelled correctly on the next shipment of 200,000 letterheads.
• Aquarius – Your recurring nightmare of being transformed into a Chihuahua will continue all week, causing you to wake up screaming in a high-pitched, whiny, annoying sort of way.
• Pisces – You will not live long or prosper. ‘Spock’ is a liar.

What do you wish for when you blow out your birthday candles?

You run down the list while a contestant/guest/crew member tries to decide which are which …
• Valtrex [STD medication]
• Suprax [STD medication]
• Gaila [“Star Trek”]
• Sarek [“Star Trek”]
• Famvir [STD medication]
• Robau [“Star Trek”]
• Aldara [STD medication]
• Uhura [“Star Trek”]
• Pegasys [STD medication]
• Lew the Bartender [“Star Trek”]


If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.


• “You’re on birth control, right?”
• “That video is going to get so many hits online”
• “Thank god those warts went away!”
• “What was your name again?”
• “You might want to get checked out.”
• “Sorry, I have to answer this call, it’s my girlfriend.”
• “You’re almost as good as your sister.”
• “I love you.”

NBC-TV is reportedly renewing “Law & Order” for a 20th season. That will tie it as TV’s ‘Longest-Running Prime-Time Drama’ with which vintage show?
a. “Gunsmoke”. [CORRECT. The Western aired from 1955-1975.]
b. “Lassie”.
c. “Death Valley Days”.


Today’s Question: By volume, THIS is the most recycled substance.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Asphalt road surfacing.

Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.

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