Friday, May 22, 2009        Edition: #4024
Accept No Substitutes, Ask For 100% Pure BS!

Paul McCartney’s ex-, Heather Mills, has reportedly been dumped as the face of Capcom’s new “Bionic Commando” videogame because she’s demanded 10 times more money than originally offered (she was picked because the game’s hero is also an amputee) . . . LA’s Universal Studios theme park is set to rebuild the “King Kong” attraction that was destroyed in a massive 2008 fire, and hopes to stage a grand re-opening in Summer 2010 (why didn’t someone think of rolling cameras & bringing in the big monkey during the blaze?) . . . “My Name is Earl” actor Ethan Suplee (‘Randy’) has launched a campaign to save the quirky comedy just days after it was axed by NBC-TV, urging fans to sign a petition & participate in a Twitter campaign to get FOX-TV to pick it up (you should be thankful you got 4 years of work out of this lame premise) . . . This Sunday the red, blue & yellow suit late actor Christopher Reeve wore as “Superman” is being auctioned in Melbourne, Australia by a private collector (expected to fetch $15,000-plus) . . . Rumors are rife that “Pirates Of the Caribbean” actor Orlando Bloom is engaged after his Aussie model-girlfriend Miranda Kerr has been spotted sporting a sparkler (good thinking – lock him in while he still has “Pirate” treasure left!) . . . After splitting from “Office” co-star John Krasinski, 33-year-old Rashida Jones (daughter of Quincy) is dating one of Barack Obama’s speechwriters, 27-year-old Jon Favreau (no relation to the “Iron Man” director ) . . . And 45-year-old actor Brad Pitt claims he agreed to star in the new movie “Inglourious Basterds” (premiered at “Cannes Film Festival” this week), because after a long night of ‘persuasion’ by director Quentin Tarantino – he was drunk (according to early reviews, that may also be the best way to watch it!).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Today Rob Thomas (“Her Diamonds”) is a guest.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Eminem finishes up a 3-night stand promoting his new album “Relapse”. Excerpts of his Detroit concert earlier this week air.
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – The Decemberists (“Hazards of Love”) are on.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Tonight Green Day promotes their #1 album “21st Century Breakdown”.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Movie actor Zac Efron (“17 Again”) hosts; Yeah Yeah Yeahs are the musical guest.
• “Sunday Morning” (CBS) – An in-depth interview with Green Day airs, filmed last month in Oakland CA.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – This morning Fall Out Boy performs “She’s My Winona”.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Tori Amos promotes her new album “Abnormally Attracted to Sin”.

• Amy Winehouse – She’s considering making her stay on the Caribbean island of St Lucia more permanent by buying up a $5-million, 2.5-acre beach estate called ‘Shingle Cove’.
• Aretha Franklin – She’s cancelled her scheduled Sunday appearance at Brown University’s commencement ceremony in Providence, citing a ‘family emergency’. (BS translation: There’s no Sizzlers buffet in Rhode Island?)
• Chris Brown – Word has it he’s recording a country song. Producer Robert Allen confirms the 20-year-old is working on a new tune called “Trapped In a Dream”, which may be included on his next album. (Makes sense … fighting is more acceptable in country songs.)
• Natalie Cole – The 59-year-old has been forced to postpone her Summer tour dates after a kidney transplant in LA. She suffers from hepatitis C, likely caused by former drug abuse.
• Jane’s Addiction – This weekend the reunited original lineup plays its first major show, the 8th “Sasquatch! Music Festival” in Quincy WA. (Word has it they’ve been using Teleprompters.)
• Michael Jackson – It’s been announced his residency at London’s O2 Arena has been moved back from July 8th to July 13th. Reps are insistent the delay has ‘nothing to do with his health’. (Here we go … the first in what will likely become a long series of hassles.)
• Trace Adkins – Sunday he’ll close the “National Memorial Day Concert” in Washington DC with a performance of “Til the Last Shot’s Fired”. The event will air live on PBS-TV.
• White Stripes – Today drummer Meg White will reportedly wed guitarist Jackson Smith, son of singer-songwriter Patti Smith, in Nashville TN.

• “Dance Flick” ( PG-13 Comedy ): The new Wayans Bros spoof sends up the recent dance movie genre (“Step Up”, “Stomp the Yard”, “How She Move”, etc). Damon Wayans plays a street dancer from the wrong side of the tracks who enters the mother of all dance battles with a beautiful partner (Shoshana Bush). Co-stars Marlon Wayans & Shawn Wayans.
• “Night At the Museum: Battle Of the Smithsonian” ( PG Comedy ): In this sequel to the 2006 hit, Ben Stiller returns as security guard ‘Larry Daley’, this time infiltrating the Smithsonian Institution to rescue ‘Jedediah’ (Owen Wilson) & ‘Octavius’ (Steve Coogan), who’ve been shipped to the museum by mistake. Co-stars Amy Adams (‘Amelia Earhart’) & Robin Williams (‘Teddy Roosevelt’). Though set in Washington DC, the film was mostly shot in Vancouver.

A 30-year-old plumber in England has given birth to his twin … sort of. After a lumpy growth forced its way out of his abdomen like some kind of hideous alien, doctors confirmed that the excretion was made up of the leftovers of an embryonic parasitic twin that was absorbed into the man’s body at birth and stayed in his stomach for 30 years before making its dramatic exit. Gavin Hyatt says he intends to keep his twin at home … in a jar. He’s named him ‘Gav’. (A heart-warming story just in time for “Brothers Day” on Sunday!)
– “The Sun”


Cambridge University scientists say they’ve located the brain areas that may determine how sociable a person is. They’ve found that warm, sentimental people tend to have more brain tissue in the outer strip of the brain just above the eyes, and in a structure deep in the brain’s center. Interestingly, these are the same zones that allow us to enjoy chocolate and sex. The research suggests some people may get a similar buzz from being sociable. (Apparently [co-host] got whacked on the head at some point.)
– “Social Studies”

A new NPD Group consumer survey reveals how we spend on entertainment …
• 63% have played a videogame in the past month.
• 53% have gone to a movie in the past month.
• 40% of the average entertainment budget is spent on watching films, either in theaters or at home.
• 33% of the average entertianment budget is spent on on videogames.
• 27% of money spent on entertainment goes to music. (Because hardly anyone’s paying for it anymore!)
– “Hollywood Reporter”

Think twice before you clean out those ‘petri dishes’ in your office refrigerator. A helpful employee in a San Jose CA office building has sent 7 co-workers to hospital after deciding to clean up the crud inside the lunchroom fridge. After removing moldy food containers and attacking the fridge with cleaning chemicals, the resulting odor was so noxious the building had to be evacuated while a Haz-Mat crew removed the mess. In total, 28 people became nauseated. And the employee who started the fiasco? She wasn’t affected because … she has no sense of smell. (This would make a great episode of “The Office”, no?)
– Yahoo! News

A new study suggests that employees can become more productive and more creative if they … shower during the workday. In Britain, a restaurant, architecture firm, ad agency, and lingerie company each took part in an 8-week study to test the theory. Those who took a shower break each day showed improvement in both mood & productivity. Overall, there was a 42% increase in productivity and a 33% jump in creativity. (Also a 89% decrease in complaints about B-O.)
– “Daily Telegraph”


• 33% of us admit we’ve accidentally dropped food off the grill on the ground … and then served it to guests.
– “Real Simple Magazine”
• May 22nd is the least common birthday in the United States.
– “Wilson’s Almanac”


1950 [59] Bernie Taupin, Sleaford UK, lyricist (Elton John’s songwriting partner-“Candle in the Wind”, “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”)

1959 [50] (Steven) Morrissey, Manchester UK, alt-rock singer (“All You Need Is Me”, “Tomorrow”)

1961 [48] Dana Williams, Dayton OH, country singer (Diamond Rio-“Beautiful Mess”, “I Believe”)

1970 [39] Naomi Campbell, London UK, fashion model/ex-con involved in numerous attacks on her personal staff

1972 [37] Anna Belknap, Damariscotta ME, TV actress (‘Detective Lindsay Monroe’ on “CSI: NY” since 2005)

TV personality Drew Carey (“The Price is Right”) is 51; Rock drummer Phil Selway (Radiohead) is 42; Pop drummer Matt Flynn (Maroon 5) is 39; Country/folk/pop singer Jewel (“Standing Still”) is 35; NHL defenceman Brian Campbell (Chicago Blackhawks) is 30.

Singer-songwriter Bob Dylan (“Together Through Life”) is 68; Rock bassist Jimmy Ashhurst (Buckcherry) is 46; Rock guitarist Rich Robinson (Black Crowes) is 40; NHL center Kris Draper (Detroit Red Wings) is 38.


• “Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day”. (But respect your neighbors … don’t make it drums!)
• “Maritime Day”, an annual observance to recognize the maritime industry. (Har, hoist that bilge, matey!)
• “Morning Radio Wise Guy Day”, honoring you dedicated fools who get up before dawn to start our days with humor, music, and information.

• “Cabot Trail Relay Race”, a 24 Hour, 298-km (185-mile), 17-stage race around Cape Breton Island’s famous Cabot Trail, starting from Baddeck NS. (It’s a killer to drive, let alone run!)
• “International Jazz Day”, the 18th annual worldwide celebration of America’s only indigenous art form (hey, what about country music?) and a salute to the musicians, past and present, who create and sustain it.
• “Penny Day”, celebrating what many think is the most useless of all coins. Billions are produced annually to meet public demand but most end up squirrelled away in piggy banks, jars, and junk drawers.
• “World Turtle Day”, initiated in 2000 by American Tortoise Rescue, a turtle & tortoise rescue organization founded in 1990 in Malibu CA. The group brings attention to turtle conservation issues and highlights ways each of us can help protect these gentle but jeopardized animals.
• “World Beard & Moustache Championships” in Anchorage AK, a biannual event judging furry faces from around-the-world. Categories range from the ‘Wild West Moustache’ to the ‘Fu Manchu Partial Beard’ all the way to the ‘Freestyle Full Beard’.

• “Brothers Day”. If you have one, give him a quick punch on the arm … just to let him know you care.
• “Escargot Day”, celebrating the only gourmet food you can harvest off your driveway. How come we’ll eat snails but not slugs? Aren’t they the same thing?
• “Indianapolis 500”, the 93rd running of the ‘Greatest Spectacle in Auto Racing’.

• “Hamburger Day”, honoring the world’s favorite sandwich whose origins can be traced back as far as the Middle Ages. These days, close to 6 billion burgers are served annually by restaurants. Hamburger meat from a single steer will make about 720 quarter-pound patties.
• “Memorial Day”, observed annually on the last Monday in May in America, as a day of remembrance for those who’ve died in the nation’s service. It was originally called “Decoration Day” 141 years ago (1868) when General John Logan declared a day to decorate Civil War soldiers’ graves with flowers at Gettysburg PA. Nowadays it’s more often observed as ‘Beach Day’ or ‘Picnic Day’.

1992 [17] After 30 years, 66-year-old Johnny Carson hosts his final “Tonight Show” (NBC)

2008 [01] “Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of the Crystal Skull” opens in movie theaters


1893 [116] Montréal Amateur Athletic Association (AAAs) beat Ottawa Generals 2-1 in the 1st Stanley Cup Game, played for a silver bowl donated by Lord Stanley of Preston

1979 [30] Joe Clark becomes Canada’s youngest-ever Prime Minister at age 39

1987 [22] Rick Hansen completes his 26-month, 34-country “Man in Motion” tour in a wheelchair to raise awareness of disabled issues (Vancouver)

[Mon] Missing Children’s Day
[Mon] Tap Dance Day
[Mon] Geek Pride Day
[Mon] Memorial Day (USA)
[Wed] Senior Health & Fitness Day
This Week Is … Etiquette Week
This Month Is … Clean Air Month


• “Colonel Mustard, identity theft, Ukrainian server room.”
• “Miss Scarlet, catastrophic hurricane damage, Manhattan shoreline.”
• “Professor Plum, character assassination by trolling, hyperblogosphere.”
• “Mr Green, water-rationing-card devaluation, Australia.”
• “Mrs White, sexual-reassignment surgery, San Francisco.”
• “Mrs Peacock, Mayan-calendar expiration, fourth dimension.”
– Thanks to David Hart.


What are some of the nicknames used for co-workers where you work … behind their backs? (‘Cute Eyeglasses Boy’, ‘Hairpiece’, ‘Quiet Earring Boy’, ‘Bitch’, etc)

117 years ago today (1892) this container was invented. It was initially filled with a wide variety of flavors, including peanut butter, iced tea, and whiskey, but most of those are no longer used.
a. Mason jar.
b. Toothpaste tube. [CORRECT]
c. Thermos.


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by 2 snails. When the cops show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know … it all happened so fast.”


Today’s Question: When a recent survey asked, “It’s just not a picnic without …”, THIS was the #1 answer.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A frisbee. (Uh people … what about food?)


The advantage to being a pessimist is that all your surprises are pleasant.

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