Friday, May 7, 2010        Edition: #4257
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!


It’s been announced that “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn”, the 4th installment in the vampire film series, will be released November 18, 2011 but the studio refuses to confirm or deny reports that it will be split into 2 films (if the series is still hot, count on it!) . . . Recuperating Bret Michaels (“Celebrity Apprentice”, ex-Poison) tells “People” magazine his recent brain hemorrhage sounded like a gunshot – ‘it literally popped’ (ow, did you just shiver?) . . . Former reality TV star  Tila Tequila, now known as ‘Lil Ho (her rap name), has launched her own gossip site (apparently hoping to make big bucks by cutting out the middleman) . . . Former “Playboy” model and Hugh Hefner ‘girlfriend’ Kendra Wilkinson has asked her attorneys to stop Vivid Entertainment’s planned release of an explicit video they’re calling “Kendra Exposed” (what, is there something she hasn’t already showed us – at least twice?) . . . CNN host Larry King & his 7th wife Shawn Southwick are postponing a possible divorce until next week (adding up all that money and dividing by 2 involves a lot of math) . . . Disney star Selena Gomez says she’s glad her relationship with Nick Jonas ended because she’s ‘dating’ herself now and ‘learning to love herself first’ (a great excuse for 13-year-old boys to give their moms) . . . 29-year-old actress Jessica Alba tells “Tatler” magazine she wants to be a mother again and thinks she should ‘do it soon’ (volunteers?) . . . Homewrecker Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee refuses to shut-up, saying that Sandra Bullock’s odd predilection for sleeping with 9 dogs in the bed with her contributed to Jesse James looking for comfort elsewhere (making McGee his 10th ‘dog’) . . . And speaking of talking too much, Courtney Love tells “On the Record” that she’s good in bed because – she’s ugly and has to try harder to impress guys (she’s what’s called a ‘two-bagger’ – you need to put 2 paper bags over her head in case one falls off).


• “The Amazing Race”(CBS/CTV) – Sunday the season finalé sees the 3 remaining teams race to San Francisco CA as they vie to land the million-dollar prize.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – This afternoon Michael Bolton (“Live At the Royal Albert Hall”).
• “Friday Night Lights” (NBC/Global) – Tonight the critically acclaimed but little-watched series returns after a 3-month hiatus.
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Tonight Michael Bublé (“Crazy Love”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Dr Dog (“Shame, Shame”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Snoop Dogg (“More Malice”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Court Yard Hounds (“Court Yard Hounds”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Tonight Wale (“Attention Deficit”).
• “Oprah Winfrey Show” (syndicated/CTV) – Today Christina Aguilera (“Bionic”, out June 8th).
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – 88-year-old actress Betty White (“The Proposal”) hosts; musical guest Jay-Z (“The Blueprint 3”). Guest appearances by “SNL” alumni Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Molly Shannon, Maya Rudolph, Ana Gasteyer, and Rachel Dratch.


• Broken Social Scene – Sunday they play 4 separate in-store performances at Toronto record stores to promote their just-released 4th album, “Forgiveness Rock Record”.
• Huey Lewis & The News – The ‘80s band has now canceled its scheduled Australian tour due to ‘conflicting schedules and venue logistics’. (BS translation: They only sold 4 tickets.)
• Ke$ha – She was left red-faced after playing a private party and wishing the host a happy 16th birthday, not realizing she was attending a 12-year-old girl’s bat mitzvah. (These are the gigs someone who’s had a gazillion-selling #1 hit gets?)
• Lady Gaga – This week she blew off a “TIME” magazine dinner honoring its ‘Most Influential People of 2010’ (she’s the top artist) in favor of a party thrown by Lady Starlight, her pal from her days in NYC’s underground club scene.
• Rihanna – Tonight she kicks off an 8-date UK arena tour in Birmingham that will also take in London’s O2 Arena.
• Slash – Tonight at LA’s Club Nokia he performs at the 6th annual MusiCares MAP Fund Benefit Concert, celebrating women in recovery and saluting former first lady, Betty Ford, and the Betty Ford Center.
• Vince Gill – Last night he hosted the TV telethon “Working 4 You: Flood Relief With Vince Gill & Friends” on WSMV in Nashville TN. Guests included Alison Krauss, Darius Rucker, Keith Urban, and Lonestar. (A thoughtful gesture but … shouldn’t fundraising for aid be done OUTSIDE a disaster area?).
• Willie Nelson – He’s been forced to postpone shows scheduled tonight through May 15th due to a torn rotator cuff in his shoulder. (That must have been one aggressive chord he struck!)


• “Babies” ( PG Documentary ): A look at one year in the life of 4 babies living on different continents: Ponijao (Opuwo, Namibia), Bayar (Bayanchandmani, Mongolia), Mari (Tokyo, Japan), and Hattie (San Francisco, California). The perfect film for “Mothers Day” weekend?
• “Iron Man 2” ( PG-13 Action Thriller ): In director Jon Favreau’s follow-up to the 2008 hit ($585 million worldwide), billionaire inventor ‘Tony Stark’ (Robert Downey Jr) faces pressure to share his technology with the military. Gwyneth Paltrow returns as PA ‘Pepper Potts’; Scarlett Johansson plays superspy ‘Black Widow’; and Mickey Rourke portrays ‘Ivan Vanko’, a Russian foe with a similar talent for gadgetry. The AC/DC-loaded soundtrack is a best-seller, debuting at #1 in 14 countries. “Iron Man 3” is already planned for 2012.


A new ranking of the world’s wealthiest mothers …
5. Abigail Johnson (USA), with her father she controls Fidelity Investments … $11.5 billion.
4. Savitri Jindal (India), chair of a steel & power conglomerate founded by her late husband … $12.2 billion.
3. Birgit Rausing (Sweden), widow of the founder of a packaging giant … $13 billion.
2. Liliane Bettencourt (France), daughter of the L’Oreal cosmetics founder … $20 billion.
1. Christy Walton (USA), widow of John Walton, who was a son of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton … $22.5 billion.

This weekend Italy is holding its first-ever ‘Divorce Fair’ in Milan, offering services to a booming number of separating couples in the predominantly Catholic country. The services include divorce planning; life coaching; beauty advice, including ‘new look’ tips; even ‘anti-stalking’ help. Visitors can also register on ‘divorce gift’ lists offered by several department stores. Organizers say the fair aims to help divorcing people start a new, happier life. (While also relieving them of cash that might be lost to alimony.)

• The Brooks County TX Sheriff’s Department has a marijuana problem. They’ve got 200,000 pounds of pot, and they’re complaining that it would be too expensive to destroy it. (Ideas, anyone?)
• A law banning women from wearing pants in Paris, France may soon be repealed, more than 2 centuries after it was introduced in 1799 by the city’s police chief. (It seems archaic, however it has been amended twice to allow pants on women with a bicycle or a horse.)
• This week 2 workmen used a backhoe to dig up grass, topsoil, and 10 palm trees from a front yard in Brisbane, Australia before realizing they were at the wrong address. Then they ran away. (The homeowner’s now considering a pool.)
• A 22-year-old Minburn, Alberta cowboy has been fined $5,000 for trying to smuggle bull semen across the border into the USA … in a Thermos bottle. (“Gawd Cody, your coffee tastes turrible!”)


• The Japanese record-holder has just died so the ‘World’s Oldest Person’ is now Eugenie Blanchard, a woman born February 16, 1896 on the Caribbean island of Guadeloupe, according to the Gerontology Research Group, which maintains a registry of the oldest people. Blanchard, who now lives on the island of Saint Barts, is 114 years, 80 days old as of today (May 7).
– “China Daily”
• The recent jalapeno-eating competition in San Antonio, Texas went into double overtime as Pat ‘Deep Dish’ Bertoletti and Sonya ‘The Black Widow’ Thomas were tied. Bertoletti was eventually crowned the winner with 275 pickled jalapenos consumed in 10 minutes, compared to Thomas’ 274. Both breezed by the previous record. (Then spent 3 days in the john.)

• Academic apparel manufacturers are jumping on the ‘green’ bandwagon, offering disposable graduation gowns that decompose quickly in soil and gowns made of recycled plastic bottles that can be reused or recycled. (What about all those flat hats they keep throwing in the air?)
– “Social Studies”
• Scientists have concluded that, for both cats and dogs, the females tend to favor their right paw, while males prefer to use their left. (So theoretically, you should be able to tell a dog’s gender just by playing ‘shake a paw’.)
– Times Online


1946 [64] Bill Kreutzmann, Palo Alto CA, classic rock musician (The Dead, formerly Grateful Dead-“Touch Of Grey”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1994)

Comedian Don Rickles (‘Mr Warmth’) is 84; Rock drummer Alex Van Halen (Van Halen) is 57; TV football analyst Bill Cowher (“NFL Today on CBS”) is 53; Pop singer Darren Hayes (Savage Garden) is 38; Pop/Latin singer Enrique Iglesias (“Hero”) is 35.

Pop singer Billy Joel (“Just the Way You Are”) is 61; Rock singer David Gahan (Depeche Mode) is 48; Rock singer Pierre Bouvier (Simple Plan) is 31; Movie/TV actress Rosario Dawson (“Sin City”) is 31; Reality TV star Audrina Patridge (“The Hills”) is 25.

• “Beaufort Scale Day”, honoring the 1774 birth of Sir Francis Beaufort who, as any sailor knows, invented the scale that measures wind speed from 0 (calm) to 12 (hurricane), adopted as an international standard in 1874.
• “Canadian Tulip Festival” through May 24 in Ottawa-Gatineau. The world’s largest tulip festival is a direct result of the gift of 100,000 tulip bulbs from Holland’s Princess (later Queen) Juliana in 1945 as thanks for providing her a home during WWII.
• “No Pants Day”, when everyone, be they students, business people, or community leaders, are encouraged to leave their pants behind. Usually this means wearing thick, appropriately modest boxer shorts, but bloomers, slips, and briefs work as well. (Not to be confused with the annual “No Pants Subway Ride” in January.)
• “Privy Diggers Day”, honoring those who excavate outhouses to explore the past. Man, what a crappy job!

• “Babysitters Day”, observed on the Saturday before “Mothers Day” to give sitters appreciation & special recognition for their quality child care. Good luck finding one … it’s Saturday night!
• “Birthmothers Day”, observed annually on the Saturday before “Mothers Day” and dedicated to those who, for one reason or another, have put a child up for adoption.
• “Military Spouse Appreciation Day”, observed annually on the Friday before “Mothers Day” to recognize the courage of those holding down the home front.
• “Miniature Golf Day”, observed the 2nd Saturday of May to celebrate the frustrating game that involves putting balls through windmills and into clown mouths. Garnet Carter was the first to patent what he called ‘Tom Thumb Golf’ in 1927, an attraction at his hotel on Lookout Mountain, Tennessee. However, there were several non-patented earlier versions elsewhere.
• “No Socks Day”, when we’re encouraged to avoid wearing socks to feel less encumbered and help the environment by creating less laundry. While washing your feet prior to participating in the festivities is a requirement, painting your toenails is completely optional.
• “Stay Up All Night Day”, an annual observance limited to people under 40 … who can actually do it.
• “World Fair Trade Day”, observed on the 2nd Saturday of May to promote opportunities for economically disadvantaged producers worldwide, improved working conditions, and payment of a fair price. The Fair Trade movement aims to connect producers more directly to customers around-the-world.
• “World Red Cross Day”, celebrating the 1828 birth of International Red Cross Movement founder Jean Henri Dunant in Geneva, Switzerland.

• “Lost Sock Memorial Day”, a day to remember those singular hose that went into the washing machine or dryer never to return. Where do they go?
• “Mothers Day”, an annual salute to moms on the 2nd Sunday in May that’s now observed in some 60 countries, including Australia, Canada, El Salvador, Guatemala, Mexico, New Zealand, and the USA, where the modern version began. The earliest celebrations can be traced back to ancient Greece in honor of ‘Rhea, the Mother Of the Gods’. In the 17th century, England began celebrating “Mothering Sunday” on the 4th Sunday of Lent. Then in 1908 Anna Jarvis successfully lobbied for a memorial day for women which became “Mothers Day”. It was first celebrated in Grafton WV. Just 9 years afterward, Jarvis filed a lawsuit against organizers of a celebratory rally because she felt the occasion had become over-commercialized. (Ya think?)


1999 [11] “The Mummy”, starring Brendan Fraser, opens in movie theaters (spawning 2 sequels)


1660 [350] 1st ‘Macaroni’ is invented by Isaack Fubine (next day, an accompanying orange powder is invented that contains ‘synthetic cheese product’)

1994 [16] 555 guitarists in Vancouver simultaneously play BTO’s “Takin’ Care of Business” for 68 minutes (a gathering of people who only know 3 chords)  BS FACTOID: Bachman & Turner are now giving away their first new song in over 20 years, “Rock ‘n Roll is the Only Way Out”, on their website.


[Mon] Windmill Day
[Tues] Eat What You Want Day
[Tues] Bon Jovi “Special Edition Reissues” released
[Wed] 63rd Cannes Film Festival begins
[Wed] School Nurse Day
[Wed] Third Shift Workers Day
[Wed] Receptionists Day
This Week Is … Goodwill Industries Week
This Month Is … Motorcycle Safety Month


• ‘Tattoo Stockings’ – Images imbedded in the weave give the look of real tattoos! (What mother wouldn’t tear up after receiving these?) $6.99
• ‘Heart-Shaped Egg Molder’ – Make Mom a breakfast with heart … literally. (This is no yolk!) $3.50
• ‘Understand Your Mother Breath Spray’ – Makes absolutely no sense but actually features the word ‘Mother’ on the label. $5.99
• “I Dig Plants” T-Shirt – Perfect for the mom with a green thumb. $16.95 (More if you want dirt included on the shirt.)
• ‘Wind-Up Racing Grannies’ – Mom can wind them up with a key and watch them soar across the kitchen table, using their walkers at maximum speed. (She’ll see the humor … won’t she?) $11.95

What world record would you like to hold?

• Which mother was one of the first female superheros in comic books?
a. ‘Mega-Woman’
b. ‘The Red Tornado’ [CORRECT. In everyday life she was ‘Ma Hunkel’, but she became a member of the crime-fighting ‘Justice Society of America’ in 1939.]
c. ‘The Big Wind’
– “All-American Comics”

• You’re sending mom roses for “Mother’s Day”. Which color should you send if you want to express ‘gratitude and appreciation’?
a. White
b. Pale yellow
c. Deep pink [CORRECT]
– Floral Council


I’m not taking Mom to dinner on Mother’s Day anymore … not till she stops cutting up my meat.

Today’s Question: 1-in-4 women have cried after THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Getting their hair cut.

A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.

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