Wednesday, May 23, 2007        Edition: #3537
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

Oprah Winfrey is said to be ‘shocked and disappointed’ her 74-year-old father Vernon Winfrey is writing a tell-all book about her and wishes he’d had the courtesy to let her know (so she had more of a head start on getting a court order) . . . Fox Business Channel is said to be close to signing Donald Trump, now that he’s parted ways with NBC-TV’s floundering “The Apprentice” (like he needs a job) . . . Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is now offering fans a chance to choose her official ‘anthem’ from a list of 9 songs, including “Get Ready” by the Temptations; U2’s “Beautiful Day”; Dixie Chicks’ “Ready to Run”; and the song she’s already been using: “Right Here, Right Now” by Jesus Jones (sadly, Elton John’s “The Bitch is Back” is not on the list) . . . The aggravated assault charge against former Creed frontman Scott Stapp has now been reduced to a misdemeanor after it was discovered that when he threw a bottle of Orangina at his wife, former Miss New York Jaclyn Nesheiwat, on the weekend – he missed (not surprising – he hasn’t had a hit in a long time) . . . Eva Longoria will wed her NBA star fiancé Tony Parker in Paris JULY 7th but she’ll have to honeymoon back home in Hollywood because the next season of “Desperate Housewives” (ABC) starts shooting 2 days later on JULY 9th . . . Movie actor Tom Sizemore has been charged with 5 felonies & 1 misdemeanor stemming from his arrest earlier THIS MONTH in Bakersfield CA on suspicion of using crystal meth (bottom line: see ya!) . . . And Britain’s fashion industry has launched a commission with the mandate of establishing health guidelines for models in the wake of the international controversy over the super-skinny prototype often seen on catwalks (so skinny she hula hoops with a Cheerio; so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex; so skinny when she sticks out her tongue and turns sideways she looks like a zipper).

• The Bravery – TONIGHT the NYC alt-rockers (“Time Won’t Let Me Go”) appear on both “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) and “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC).
• Celine Dion – She’s planning a world tour after she completes her 5-year stint in Las Vegas at Caesar’s Palace Colosseum early NEXT YEAR. Her last tour was in 1999.
• Enrique Iglesias – He’s let it be known he never intends to wed gf Anna Kournikova and he doesn’t want children for at least another 8 years, when he’ll turn 40. Dump him, girl!
• 50 Cent – He says he has 2 more albums and a possible greatest hits package planned under his current record contract and then has no plans to release anything else after 2008.
• Keith Urban – The rehabbed alcoholic got welcomed back to South Australia … with a bottle of wine. The awkward moment came on a flight from Sydney to Adelaide when a flight attendant didn’t recognize him. But the country star stuck to his guns and turned the offer down.
• Ricky Martin – He’s reportedly purchased an $8-million recording studio in Miami FL, just months after putting his Miami Beach mansion up for sale. The studio has been used in the past by the likes of Madonna, Jennifer Lopez, and Britney Spears.
• Shania Twain – She’s the latest celeb to launch a namesake fragrance. Hers is called ‘Shania Starlight’.
• U2 – Bono has just joined the Irish government’s ‘Hunger Task Force’, whose mission is to help achieve the UN Millennium Development Goal of halving world poverty by 2015.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Cheese’ – The street name for a new drug cocktail that blends black tar heroin with Tylenol PM. How far have we sunk if the best ‘the street’ can come up with is ‘cheese’?
• ‘Gestational Carrier’ – What movie star Dennis Quaid & his wife Kimberly are using to house their expected twins. That means the babes will be their biological children, but are being carried by another woman.
• ‘Halfbacks’ – The nickname for retirees who moved to Florida but after finding the summers too hot and the distance from relatives too far, moved halfway back to places like the Carolinas.
• ‘The Rumball’ – Said to be the hot new drink for the summer, it’s a concoction of Mount Gay rum and Red Bull. Apparently it wakes you up before it puts you down.

A daily alcoholic beverage may slow the mental decline to dementia, according to new research  from the University of Bari in Italy. A 3-and-half-year study of test subjects aged 65-to-84 found that those who had up to 1 drink per day experienced an 85% reduced risk of dementia compared with those who totally abstained. The benefit was seen with both alcohol in general and with wine in particular. (Especially the outstanding wines from the Bari region of Italy, a delicious aperitif or the perfect accompaniment to fine dining.)
– Reuters

Worried about being the butt of jokes when you don your swimsuit or gym gear? Then how about a ‘facial’ for that sagging derriere? Many spas are now offering ‘Buttocks Facials’ that promise to tighten, lift and tone the posterior. The treatments to buff your butt usually include several steps, such as …
• Cleansing and detoxifying the skin, much like a regular facial.
• Exfoliation with a papaya mint scrub.
• Micro-dermabrasion or micro-current therapy to rid cellulite deposits and skin blemishes.
• An organic spray tan for the entire body.
A 1-hour treatment can cost $500 or more, but of course you’ll need at least 2 sessions for optimum results that will last throughout summer. (Guaranteeing at least that your hip pocket will be lighter.)

A new study from Oregon Health & Science University suggests that both shorter-than-average and taller-than-average people can receive serious injuries from deployed air bags in vehicles. An examination of some 11-years-worth of data shows that those of extra small stature and extra large stature, whether male or female, are at risk from both older air bags and the newer ‘smart’ air bags designed to compensate for the user’s weight. A statistical breakdown of people involved in car accidents shows that air bags have proven most effective for those of medium height … from 5 ft-3 inches to 5 ft-11 inches. (That’s cuz if you’re 7 ft-3, you gotta drive with your head out the window.)
– “HealthDay News”

You might want to think twice about making a personal call during work hours. Employers can now buy a service that automatically analyzes phone calls made by employees, figures out which are for business and which are personal, and delivers a monthly list of repeat offenders to management. Dimension Data claims an employer can cut phone costs 10-to-15% by using its ‘Guardian’ monthly service, not to mention the hours of manpower saved through increased productivity. While the system focuses on those who run up huge bills or spend hours of work time on personal calls, it’s promised that no one actually listens to phone calls. (That’s the job of Dimension Data‘s sister service ‘Blackmail’.)
– Reuters

• In San Jose CA, 40-year-old Kenneth Affolter has already been sentenced to more than 5 years in prison for making pot-laced treats and soft drinks. But now he faces the wrath of the Hershey Co. Claiming trademark infringement, trademark dilution and unfair competition, the candy giant is suing him for giving his marijuana goodies names like ‘Stoney Rancher’, ‘Rasta Reeses’ and ‘Keef Kat’. Each came in packaging similar to Hershey’s Jolly Rancher, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Kit Kat bars. The company is seeking $100,000 in damages.
• In Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, cops had no trouble filing charges of attempted murder after finding an step-by-step blueprint for the ‘perfect murder’ written up on the accused’s laptop. The ‘to-do’ list included …
1. Arrive at 3.15pm, ask if he is alone and wants to have a beer.
2. Put on gloves, hit him, remove his clothes, and tie him up with tape.
3. Check for bank cards, cheques, and computer archives.
4. Put towel over mouth, break his neck with a monkey wrench, and put pills in his mouth.
5. Lock the back door using gloves and depart at 7.30 pm.
Unfortunately for the accused, he lost all his cool after step 1 and immediately tried to choke his victim and throw him out the 6th-floor window.
• In Matamata, New Zealand, a burglar accidentally locked himself in a holding cell after breaking into … a police station. The hi-tech facility requires an electronic tab to open doors so the perp was forced to break through a glassed-in area to get out. That set off alarms and the 3 cops on duty rushed in from outside the station. This intruder had more luck than brains … it’s thought he left through the front door as police entered through the back.
• In Amsterdam, the Netherlands, a 63-year-old priest who called in a false bomb threat to a Madonna concert last SEPTEMBER because he thought her infamous ‘crucifixion act’ was blasphemous has just been convicted by a court and will have to serve 150 hours of community service. He’s getting off lightly because he’s obviously a novice when it comes to crime … he used his home phone to make the threat and called an emergency services number where the call was automatically traced.

• Neuron cell membranes in the brain are made of fatty acids. (You really DO have a fat head!)
• Even though our bodies weigh about the same, human brains are 10 times heavier than a sheep’s. (But as Scots will tell you … not as tasty.)
• The brains of 2-year-olds consume twice as much energy as adult brains. (And all of the energy of parents.)
– “Discover Magazine”

“Tulip has no remorse. She just stared at me.”
– Paul Abdul telling “People” magazine how her pet Chihuahua reacted when she tripped over it and broke her nose.


1933 [74] Joan Collins, London UK, former TV actress (“Dynasty”, “Guiding Light”) who appeared in “Playboy” at age 50, and wed a man 32 years younger at age 69/sister of trash novelist Jackie Collins

1958 [49] Drew Carey, Cleveland OH, comedian/former TV actor/producer ( “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” 1998-2006, “The Drew Carey Show” 1995-2004)

1958 [49] Mitch Albom, Passaic NJ, best-selling author (“The Five People You Meet in Heaven”, “Tuesdays with Morrie”)/syndicated newspaper columnist (“Detroit Free Press”)

1967 [40] Phil Selway, Abingdon UK, alt-rock drummer (Radiohead-“There There”, “Creep”)

1970 [37] Matt Flynn, LA CA, pop drummer (Maroon 5-“Makes Me Wonder”, “She Will Be Loved”)

1974 [33] Jewel (Kilcher), Payson UT, folk/pop/country singer (“Intuition”, “Standing Still”)

1974 [33] Ken Jennings, Edmonds WA, 2004 “Jeopardy!” contestant who holds the record for longest winning streak (74 games) & most money won ($2,522,700)

1976 [31] Kelly Monaco, Philadelphia PA, TV personality (“Dancing With the Stars” 2005 winner)/daytime TV actress (‘Sam McCall‘ on General Hospital” since 2003)

• “Champion’s League Final”, the wrap-up of the interlocking competition between professional European soccer clubs has AC Milan playing Liverpool for all the marbles in Athens, Greece. As an indication of how big a deal this is in Europe, Ford Motor Co is paying circa $16,000-a-second to air a new TV ad during halftime.

• “Penny Day”, celebrating what many think is the most useless of all coins. Billions are produced annually to meet public demand but most end up squirrelled away in piggy banks, jars, and junk drawers. TODAY is also the ancient and annual “Red Hot Penny Toss” in Rye, England (ouch!).

• “World Turtle Day”, initiated in 2000 by American Tortoise Rescue, a turtle and tortoise rescue organization founded in 1990 in Malibu CA. The group brings attention to turtle conservation issues and highlights ways each of us can help protect these gentle but jeopardized animals.

1997 [10] Steven Spielberg’s dinosaur thriller “The Lost World – Jurassic Park” is released in movie theaters (sets then opening-day record of $22 million & then weekend record of $90 million)

2000 [07] “The Marshall Mathers LP” debut album by Eminem is released and hits #1 with first-week sales of 1.76 million copies

1785 [222] 1st ‘Bifocals’, invented by Benjamin Franklin (shouldn’t there be upside-down bifocals for computer use?)

1883 [124] 1st (and likely last) baseball game between one-armed and one-legged players (the former had a leg-up on the competition)

1988 [19] 1st ‘Underwater Wedding’, using diver’s hand signals (was the guy saying ‘yes’ when he gave the panicked thumbs-up sign, or was his air just running out?)

1982 [25] Colin Wilson rides a surfboard a record 294 miles

[Thurs] International Jazz Day
[Thurs] Brothers Day
[Thurs] Morning Radio Wise Guy Day
[Thurs] Escargot Day
[Thurs-May 28] Star Wars Celebration IV (Los Angeles)
[Fri] “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” opens in movie theaters
[Sun] 91st Indianapolis 500
[Mon] Memorial Day (no “BS” service)
This Week Is … Backyard Games Week
This Month Is … Correct Posture Month


TONIGHT Alex Trebek hosts the 19th annual “National Geography Bee” final in Washington DC (National Geographic Channel). The winner picks up a $25,000 scholarship. Let’s see how you do …
• ‘Benelux’, an economic & social alliance of 3 countries, was instituted after WW2 by the Netherlands, Belgium, and which other country? [Luxembourg.]
• How much of Earth’s surface is permanently frozen: 2%, 8%, or 20%? [About 20% is under permafrost, meaning it’s temperature has been below freezing for over 2 years.]
• Due to this country’s ‘S’ shape, the Sun actually rises on one area of its Pacific coast and sets on its Atlantic coast. [Panama.]
• Hartland, New Brunswick is home to the world’s longest what … luncheon buffet, covered bridge, or traffic light? [Covered bridge.]
• Where did the word Canada come from? [There is no definitive answer. It may be an Iroquois word for ‘town’, it may be a Spanish or Portuguese term meaning ‘here nothing’, or it may be derived from Latin or Sanskrit.]
• Nearly 30% of foreign-born residents of the USA are from which country? [Mexico.]
• This US state has absolutely no natural lakes. [Maryland]
• This single river provides 23% of the world’s fresh water. [The Amazon.]
• Which are there more of in Australia – kangaroos or people? [With an estimated population of 40 million, there are more than twice as many kangaroos.]
• What’s the capital of Paraguay? [Asuncion]
• What is the term for the cone-shaped feature on the floor of a cave that is formed by slow dripping water. [Stalagmite. The ones hanging from the ceiling are stalactites.]
• The 2004 Olympic Games where held in the capital city of the present-day country where the games originated. Name the city. [Athens.]

Would you rather do prison time with … Joe Francis or Paris Hilton?

What’s really amazing is the preceding 4 hours of total idiocy is the most important thing I will do all day.

Today’s Question: In an average lifetime, a women will spend 682 days doing THIS whereas a man will total just 236 days.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Getting ready to go out.

Humorists feed on the humorless.


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