Tuesday, May 22, 2007        Edition: #3536
Accept No Substitutes, Ask For 100% Pure BS!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Jordin Sparks & Blake Lewis vie for the ultimate prize on “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) with the results revealed on TOMORROW’s 2-hour season finalé . . . Interestingly, “Variety” reports that this season’s TUESDAY performance editions of “Idol” have consistently trailed the corresponding nights of a year ago, however the WEDNESDAY results shows have had comparable ratings (we’re skipping the performances but tuning in to see who’s been eliminated because …?) . . . TONIGHT the new Mark Burnett/Steven Spielberg reality show “On the Lot” (FOX/CTV) features an ‘audition round’ by contestants aspiring to win a $1-million movie development deal . . . Product placement on this show has been expanded to extend beyond the TV program and into the films produced by the contestants (Verizon & Ford are looking to score huge exposure) . . . TONIGHT’s season finalé of “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (NBC/CTV) includes guest appearances by rapper/actor Ludacris; former “View” host Star Jones Reynolds; Court TV host/former prosecutor Nancy Grace; and actor Vincent Spano, among others . . . TONIGHT on the “Dancing With the Stars” finalé (ABC), we find out whether Laila Ali, Joey Fatone, or Apolo Ohno will be named the season 4 champ . . . An Australian court has fined Sylvester Stallone A$13,000 (about $11,500 CDN) for bringing the growth hormone Jintropin into the country without a prescription and failing to declare he was also transporting testosterone (most guys are when you get down to it) . . . Actor John Schneider’s ‘General Lee’ car from “The Dukes of Hazzard” is going back on eBay, this time with a private company pre-approving all bidders (last time around a bid of nearly $10 million turned out to be bogus) . . . While most cellphone users have shown little interest in watching TV on their tiny screens, NBC-TV believes it’s found a niche audience – gamblers (it tested the idea by airing the Preakness Stakes live via V-Cast Mobile TV) . . . And Donald Trump has revealed that he’s quitting “The Apprentice” (NBC) in order to move on to ‘a major new TV venture’ which so far remains unnamed (translation: he just can’t face the prospect of hearing the words “You’re Fired!”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Angelique Kidjo – TONIGHT the 4-time Grammy-nominated Beninese singer/songwriter performs with Ziggy Marley on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Beach Boys – TODAY their career-spanning new collection, “The Warmth Of The Sun”, is released on CD and digitally, featuring 28 tracks selected by the group’s members … no doubt causing numerous fights and lawsuits.
• Dolores O’Riordan – The former Cranberries front-woman (“Ordinary Day”) lives part of the year in a Peterborough-area log cabin with Canadian-born husband-manager Don Burton. She tells “Mojo” magazine how challenging it was getting her Ontario driver’s licence: “It was 20 degrees below and in about 5 feet of snow on the wrong side of the road.” Hey, thanks for perpetuating those Canadian stereotypes.
• Fergie – “The Dutchess” singer recently met the original ‘Fergie, Sarah Ferguson, when she performed at the Duchess of York’s foundation benefit.
• Jesus Jones – Their 1991 hit “Right Here, Right Now” is the theme song being used by Hillary Clinton as she strides on-stage to make presidential campaign speeches. That would’ve been really ‘hep’ … about 16 years ago.
• Michael Martin Murphey – TONIGHT the country veteran guests on “Late Show with David Letterman” (CBS), likely because the show uses a snippet of his 1975 hit “Wildfire” whenever Dave flings one of his cue cards through the window behind his desk.
• Ozzy Osbourne – TONIGHT he performs “I Don’t Wanna Stop” on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Paul McCartney – A 44-year-old German woman who insists that he’s her biological father has now filed court papers claiming he faked 2 separate paternity tests back in 1983 by sending a ‘body double’ to take the tests in his place.
• Rolling Stones – Ronnie Wood’s daughter Leah Wood doesn’t want him performing at her upcoming wedding because he might embarrass her with his antics. Instead, she’s holding out for Prince, who’s spending the entire summer in London.
• Smashing Pumpkins – TONIGHT they begin their “Zeitgeist” reunion tour in Paris, France where they’ll debut music from their upcoming 6th album, their first collection of new material since 2000. Following the Paris show, they’ll headline several European summer festivals.
• U2 – They played a free gig at the “Cannes Film Festival” before a 55-minute sneak preview of their movie “U2 3D”, due for release THIS FALL. The 90-minute film was shot entirely in 3-D.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Apocalypto” ( Action Adventure ): Set against the turbulent end-times of the once-great Mayan civilization, director Mel Gibson unfolds the story of a captured Mayan who makes a desperate break to return home and ultimately save his way of life. Shot on location in Veracruz and Catemaco in one of the last remaining tracts of rainforests left in Mexico. The cast is almost entirely made up of indigenous peoples.
• “Epic Movie” ( Comedy ): In this spoof of some of Hollywood’s recent blockbusters, 4 troubled orphans from 4 different movies become trapped in a bizarre chocolate factory; escape to a magical world of fake snow & sorcery; then join forces with pirates, wizards, and a wise lion in order to defeat the evil ‘White Bitch’. Filled with sight gags and eye-popping special effects.
• “The Good German” ( Drama ): Set in the ruins of post-WW2 Berlin, George Clooney stars as a US Army war correspondent trying to uncover the secrets of a former lover (Cate Blanchett), whose missing husband is being hunted by both American and Russian forces. Co-stars Tobey Maguire & Beau Bridges. Shot in retro-inspired black & white.
• “Letters From Iwo Jima” ( War Drama ): Director Clint Eastwood was Oscar-nominated for this story of the historic WW2 battle of Iwo Jima, shown from the vantage point of the Japanese military. It’s a companion piece to Eastwood’s other film about the battle, “Flags of Our Fathers”. Ken Watanabe stars as Japanese General Tadamichi Kuribayashi whose travels in America have revealed to him the hopeless nature of the war. In Japanese with English subtitles. Also available as “The Battle for Iwo Jima: 5-Disc Commemorative Collector’s Edition” (including both “Flags of Our Fathers” & “Letters From Iwo Jima”).
• “Venus” ( Dramedy ): Peter O’Toole & Leslie Phillips play a pair of veteran actors who never quite hit the big-time. Now in their golden years, their comfortable routine and witty banter is suddenly disrupted by the arrival of a young grand-niece. O’Toole’s performance earned him yet another Oscar nomination … his 8th.
• Also released TODAY: “The 40-Year-Old Virgin: Unrated 2-Disc Double Your Pleasure Edition”; “The John Wayne Film Collection”; “The OC: The Complete 4th Season; “Porky’s: The Ultimate Collection”; the landmark TV mini-series, “Roots: 30th Anniversary Edition”; and Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl” & “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” in new hi-def Blu-ray disc editions.

BS TALES OF THE WEIRD:
• A window cleaner from Wigan, England collapsed on-the-job and ended up drowning … in his bucket of water. That’s the ruling of a jury hearing the case of the 35-year-old man who was found by a customer with his head submerged. It seems a heart condition caused the collapse but the cause of death was accidental drowning.
• A Denver CO woman has miraculously survived a rare case of ‘internal decapitation’. The 30-year-old was critically injured in a car accident in which her head slammed into the dashboard and her skull separated from her spine, although her skin, spinal cord and other internal organs remained intact. The rare condition left her with no control over her head. Surgeons finally managed to literally screw her head back on, although it slipped off her neck about 5 times during the process. She’s left with nerve damage that makes her eyes cross and has difficulty swallowing, but amazingly wasn’t paralyzed and is making steady progress.
• Over the past year, an increasing number of people have been gathering  regularly at a remote site west of Tucson AZ to submit themselves to intense levels of … moonlight. The experience is courtesy of Interstellar Light Applications, a company that has spent $2 million building what resembles a drive-in movie screen covered with mirrors in the belief that there is therapeutic value to magnified moonlight. On some nights, as many as 120 people now show up.
• Employees of a department store in Northumberland, England were informed they were going to lose their jobs after being mustered into the parking lot by … a false fire alarm. The alarm, which also cleared the store of customers, was intentionally used because the management feared the closing would become public knowledge before the end of store hours. Talk about spineless bosses!

THE POWER OF A GOLD STAR:
In California, psychologists recently found that they could get consumers to conserve electricity with a simple notice, delivered to their doorstep, telling them how their consumption compares with the neighborhood average. In the weeks that followed, homeowners who were consuming more energy than average cut back, presumably because they were embarrassed. Even odder: When the good energy stewards were awarded a smiley face symbol next to their monthly power use data, they kept up their good work. (Apparently hoping for an extra-long recess.)
– “Boston Globe”

WE’RE DRINKING SUGAR:
About 21% of the calories consumed by Americans over the age of 2 comes from beverages, predominantly soft drinks and fruit drinks with added sugars, according to a nutrition panel. There has been a huge increase in sugar-sweetened drinks in recent decades, primarily at the expense of milk, which has clear nutritional benefits. The calories from sugary drinks account for half the rise in caloric intake by Americans since the late 1970s.
– “New York Times”

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• A grooming poll finds that 48% of men are repelled by women with visible underarm hair. 39% of guys say they can’t stand leg hair. So the rest like it?
• In a recent poll on vacation activities, 49% of kids say they play video games during long car trips and 27% say they watch movies on DVD.
• According to a somewhat surprising sexuality poll, 73% of men say it’s better to give than receive during lovemaking, compared to just 49% of women.
• 33% of home barbecue chefs admit they’ve accidentally dropped barbecued food on the ground … and then served it to guests. Hey, as long as they adhere to the 5-second rule …

THE SHORTER, THE LONGER:
A recent study suggests that the secret to a long and faithful marriage for a woman may be to wed … a short guy. Joint German-American research finds that tall men are more likely to divorce and remarry for the simple reason that they can. It seems that shorter men may want to be unfaithful, but seem to have fewer opportunities. (So how come Tom ‘Thumb’ Cruise has been married 3 times?)
– Reuters

BS AMAZING FACT:
According to “Forbes” magazine, Russia now has 60 billionaires, most of which live in Moscow. That likely makes the Russian capital home to more billionaires than any other city in the world.
– BBC

THE BULL SHEET 05.22.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [57] Bernie Taupin, Sleaford UK, lyricist (Elton John’s songwriting partner-“Candle in the Wind”, “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”)

1959 [48] (Steven Patrick) Morrissey, Manchester UK, rock singer (“All You Need Is Me”, “The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get”)

1961 [46] Dana Williams, Dayton OH, country singer/musician (Diamond Rio-“Beautiful Mess”, “I Believe”)

1970 [37] Naomi Campbell, London UK, fashion model/ex-con involved in numerous attacks on her personal staff/sometime movie actress (“Girl 6”)
 
1972 [35] Anna Belknap, Damariscotta ME, TV actress (‘Detective Lindsay Monroe’ on “CSI: NY” since 2005)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day”. But respect your neighbors … don’t make it drums!

• “Maritime Day” in America, by presidential proclamation. Har, hoist that bilge, matey!

• “Shavuot” begins at sundown, the Jewish celebration of the 10 Commandments as the foundation of Jewish law. It’s also known as “Feast of Weeks” because it occurs 7 weeks after the first day of “Passover”.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1986 [21] Sylvester Stallone signs a 10-picture deal with United Artists for a reported $15 million per film, making him the richest actor in Hollywood

1992 [15] Johnny Carson hosts his final “Tonight Show” on NBC-TV

1996 [11] “Mission: Impossible” with Tom Cruise opens in movie theaters

1997 [10] US Postal Service unveils the ‘Bugs Bunny’ commemorative stamp

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1761 [246] 1st ‘Life Insurance’ policy, issued in Philadelphia by the ‘Corporation for the Relief of Poor and Distressed Presbyterian Ministers and of the Poor and Distressed Widows and Children of Presbyterian Ministers’ (the descendants are likely still paying premiums)

1841 [166] 1st ‘Reclining Chair’ patented by Henry Kennedy of Philadelphia PA (the average weight of men immediately goes up 40 lbs)

1892 [115] 1st ‘Toothpaste Tube’, introduced by British dentist Dr Washington Sheffield (before that, you bought by the handful?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] World Turtle Day
[Thurs] Brothers Day
[Thurs] Morning Radio Wise Guy Day
[Thurs-May 28] Star Wars Celebration IV (Los Angeles)
[Fri] “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” opens in movie theaters
This Week Is … Etiquette Week
This Month Is … Clean Air Month

BULL’S BITS

BS  SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE:
• Switzerland falls into the sea.
• Ceasefire declared in war between cats & dogs.
• Diddy is appointed UN Secretary-General.
• Chimpanzees begin to accessorize.
• World’s unset VCR clocks all stop blinking.
• Churches liquidate all their investments for charity.
• All around the globe, ketchup flows freely from glass bottles.
• The Pope spontaneously combusts.
• High school math teachers embrace oral hygiene.
• All energy drinks turn into rancid cat urine … but nobody notices.
• The Anti-Christ appears, accompanied by the Uncle-Christ.
• A giant Porky Pig appears as a fireball in the sky and stutters, “Th-th-that’s All, Folks!”.
– Chickenhead.com

BS ‘SMALL FRY GAME’:
Everybody knows about kittens and puppies, but what do you call the babies of the following animals?
• Bat (Pup)
• Firefly (Glow Worm)
• Giraffe (Calf)
• Gorilla (Infant)
• Mackerel (Spike)
• Mouse (Pinky)
• Pigeon (Squab)
• Spiny Anteater (Puggle)
• Swan (Cygnet)
• Turkey (Poult)
– “A Pinky is a Baby Mouse”

BS PHONE STARTER:
What demographic makes up the most aggressive & obnoxious drivers? (According to a recent driving study, they are said to be 30-50 year-old males.)

BS RANDOM JOKES:
• It’s tough to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: More than half of men will have THIS at some point in their life.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Dandruff.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Age isn’t important unless you’re a cheese.

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