Friday, May 11, 2007           Edition: #3529
Good Morning, Sheetheads!

SATURDAY “VH1 Rock Honors” will be taped at the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas (to air MAY 24th), honoring the music and influence of Genesis, Heart, Ozzy Osbourne, and ZZ Top with performances by Alice In Chains, Gretchen Wilson, Keane, Nickelback, and Queens Of the Stone Age . . . SATURDAY a free concert leading up to the “Academy of Country Music Awards” in Las Vegas features Little Texas, Trick Pony, Keith Anderson, and others . . . SUNDAY is the series finalé of the family drama “7th Heaven” (CW), 11 seasons after it began on the old WB network (it somehow survived it’s last cancellation but this time – it’s sayonara) . . . According to a British manicurist-to-the-stars, actress Sienna Miller has fingernails ‘like a tramp’ as well as athlete’s foot; and model/actress Elizabeth Hurley has ‘appalling cracked heels’ (gee, thanks for sharing) . . . New California immigrant Victoria Beckham has reportedly PO-ed shoppers at LA’s The Grove shopping complex by having Abercrombie & Fitch completely closed down so she could enjoy a personal shopping spree, an ego trip that’s just not done in celeb-centric LA (this style maven is apparently wearing something new out – her welcome!) . . .  And “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening tells “Playboy” magazine that he actually enlisted screen legend Elizabeth Taylor to voice the first word from baby ‘Maggie’ (“Daddy!”), but after 24 takes the aging superstar told him to f-off and bailed.

• Arctic Monkeys – The day after their hot new album was released, they were refused entry to London’s Phoenix club because they looked too young and weren’t members.
• Gretchen Wilson – THIS MORNING she appears on the “Today Show” (NBC) alongside Martina McBride & Josh Turner. SUNDAY she’ll perform a free concert at the Fremont Street Experience in Las Vegas to promote her new album, “One of the Boys” (out TUESDAY). The show will follow the “ACM Charity Motorcycle Ride & Jam”.
• Keith Urban – TONIGHT in Brisbane, he kicks off a 5-show mini-tour of Australia that will also stop in Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, and Perth. Because of his first homeland tour in 2 years, he’ll be unable to appear at the annual “ACM Awards” TUESDAY in Las Vegas.
• Kelly Clarkson – TONIGHT she’s a guest on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Linkin Park – TOMORROW they’re the musical guest on “Saturday Night Live” (NBC), hosted by “SNL” alum Molly Shannon.
• Miranda Lambert – TONIGHT she performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• U2 – A new BBC Radio poll on the ‘Worst Song Lyrics Ever Written’ has ‘honored’ them for the line from “Elevation” that goes: “I’ve got no self control/Been living like a mole”; Oasis gets honorable mention for the “Champagne Supernova” lyrics: “Slowly walking down the hall/Faster than a cannonball”.

• “Delta Farce” ( Action Comedy ): After losing his job & his girlfriend on the same day, Larry the Cable Guy joins a couple of buddies for a relaxing weekend of drinking and target practice but  after they’re mistaken for Army Reservists by a hard-nosed sergeant, they’re loaded onto an army plane headed for Iraq – and then mistakenly ejected in a Humvee somewhere over Mexico. Co-stars Bill Engvall, DJ Qualls, and Keith David.
• “Georgia Rule” ( Drama ): Jane Fonda, Felicity Huffman, and Lindsay Lohan star as 3 generations of the same family struggling to cope with the relationship between mothers and daughters. This is the film in which Fonda got fed up with Lohan’s shoddy work habits and let her know about it.
• “28 Weeks Later” ( Sci-Fi Thriller ): 6 months after a virus has annihilated the UK, the US Army declares the war against the infection has been won and reconstruction of the country can begin. In the first wave of returning refugees a family is reunited, but one of them unwittingly carries a terrible secret – the virus is not yet dead, and this time, it is more dangerous than ever. Stars Robert Carlyle (“The Full Monty”) and Rose Byrne (“Marie Antoinette”).

• 24% of consumers shopping for “Mother’s Day” will buy their gifts from discount stores. The average male shopper plans to spend about 60% more than the average female shopper.
– National Retail Federation
• 81% of women 40-to-44 years-old are mothers. 11% of moms end their childbearing years with 4 or more children. 24.8 is now the median age of mothers when they give birth for the first time.
– AP
• A mother giraffe often gives birth while standing, so the newborn’s first experience outside the womb is a 1.8-m (6-ft) drop.
– “Brain Candy”
• In the vast majority of the world’s languages, the word for ‘mother’ begins with the letter ‘M’.
– “The People’s Almanac”
• THIS YEAR the city of Edmonton is offering an ‘E-Memories Service’ for “Mothers Day”. For $65, someone will visit any of the city’s 7 municipally-run cemeteries to snap a picture of your mom’s tombstone adorned with a bouquet of flowers, then e-mail the photo to you.
– “Edmonton Sun”

According to a new online poll …
3. ‘Niki Sanders’ (played by Ali Larter) of “Heroes”.
2. ‘Marge Simpson’ of “The Simpsons”.
1. ‘Lorlelai Gilmore’ (played by Lauren Graham) on “Gilmore Girls”. (Too bad the show is cancelled after NEXT WEEK’s episode!)

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … the average person will spend 3 years suffering from colds during a 75-year lifetime, according to the Common Cold Centre at Cardiff University in Wales. The average adult catches 1-or-2 a year while children average 7-to-10. (And thanks to them, so do their parents.)
• Scientists say … peanut butter has proven itself as an aphrodisiac, according to at least one study. (But if you wanna be popular with your wife, do NOT use ‘Jiffy’!)
• Scientists say … you’re more than twice as likely to fool around on your mate if one of your parents did. That’s the finding of a British study on relationships. (… in the royal family.)
• Scientists say … ‘metrosexual’ men who are in touch with their feminine side have lower stress levels and are less likely to have heart attacks, according to new Glasgow University research. In fact, the incidence of coronary heart disease is significantly lower among all men who express their feelings than among those who bottle up their emotions. (You know what that means … 99% of us are gonna die painfully.)

Break open the bar and let’s celebrate the good news that fruity cocktails are now considered a health food. While trying to explore ways to help keep fruit fresh during storage, a team of American and Thai scientists accidently discovered that a splash of alcohol increases the antioxidant nutrients in fruits such as strawberries and blackberries. (Cheers!)
– “Curious Times”

THIS WEEKEND a 95-year-old great-grandmother is set to become the ‘World’s Oldest College Graduate’ when she walks across the stage at Fort Hays State University in Hays KS. Nola Ochs was born in 1911 and graduated from high school just as the Depression was beginning. She’ll receive a degree in history. (That was likely easy … she lived through most of it!)
– “Kansas City Star”

Helvetica, the typeface, is 50-years-old THIS WEEK.

“I could be doing heroin. I really could! Like, without cigarettes, I would be doing heroin, probably.”
– Joel Madden of Good Charlotte, citing the upside of smoking.


1941 [66] Eric Burdon, Newcastle UK, oldies singer (& War-“Spill the Wine”, The Animals-“House of the Rising Sun”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1994)

Comedian George Carlin is 70; Classic rocker Steve Winwood (“Higher Love”) is 59; Country singer Kix Brooks (Brooks & Dunn) is 52; Movie actor Ving Rhames (“Mission: Impossible”) is 48; Movie actor/director Emilio Estevez (“Bobby”) is 45; Movie actor Jason Biggs (“American Pie”) is 29.

Movie actor Harvey Keitel (“National Treasure”) is 68; R&B singer Stevie Wonder (“Sunshine of My Life”) is 57; TV personality Stephen Colbert (“The Colbert Report”) is 43; Has-been pop singer Darius Rucker (Hootie & the Blowfish) is 41; Pop musician Mickey Madden (Maroon 5) is 28.

• “Chair Day”, celebrating the invention of the common chair in 2181 BC. Before that, no one ever ‘took a load off’.
• “Eat What You Want Day”, a day to ignore all the warnings, avoid worrying and counting calories, and thereby fight our obsession with being thin. Okay, so if healthfulness is not in play, what do you really, really, really want?
• “Military Spouse Appreciation Day”, observed annually on the FRIDAY before “Mother’s Day” to recognize the courage of those holding down the home front.

• “Babysitter’s Day”, honoring those dedicated young folks who take care of our even younger folks. To honor the occasion we’re doubling the tip … here’s a dollar!
• “Birth Mother’s Day”, observed annually on the Saturday before “Mother’s Day” and dedicated to those who, for one reason or another, have put a child up for adoption.
• “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day”, the syndrome officially known as myalgic encephalomyelitis, or ‘M-E’. There were some special events planned but the M-E Association was just too burnt out and didn’t have the energy to pull them off.
• “International Nurses Day”, commemorating the 1820 birth date of the founder of modern nursing, Florence Nightingale, and wrapping up “Nurses’ Week”.
• “Kite Day”, a good excuse to tell someone to go fly theirs.
• “Limerick Day”, celebrating the 1812 birthday of Edward Lear, author of the first collection of limericks, “The Book of Nonsense”. You’ll find some ‘Loony Limericks’ here …
• “US Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship” through Sunday in Las Vegas (ESPN). The grand prize is $50,000. The ‘worlds’ are held annually in Toronto.

• “Mothers Day”, celebrated on the 2nd SUNDAY of MAY in Canada, the USA, Australia, Belgium, Denmark, Finland, Italy, and Turkey. The earliest celebrations can be traced back to ancient Greece in honor of ‘Rhea, the Mother of the Gods’. In the 17th century, England began celebrating “Mothering Sunday” on the 4th Sunday of Lent (MARCH 18 THIS YEAR).
• “Table Knife Appreciation Day”. France’s Cardinal Richelieu is said to have invented the utensil on this date in 1639. Before that, hunting knives were used in a stabbing motion.

1981 [26] Legendary reggae musician Bob Marley dies in Miami FL at age 36 of brain cancer

1969 [38] “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” comedy troupe forms in Britain (eventually leads to “Spamalot” on Broadway)

1984 [23] ‘Canadian Security Intelligence Service’ (CSIS) is created

1999 [08] Only time in modern baseball history that both starting pitchers in a Major League game share the same name, as Bobby Jones of Colorado Rockies beats Bobby Jones of NY Mets

2002 [05] ‘World’s Largest Omelette’, created by Lung Association in Brockville ON, weighs in at 2.95 tonnes (6,510 lb) at the Brockville Memorial Centre

[Mon] Dance Like A Chicken Day
[Tues] 42nd ACM Awards (Las Vegas)
[Wed] Biographers Day
[Wed] Employee Health & Fitness Day
[Wed] Wear Purple For Peace Day
[Wed] 2007 Cannes Film Festival begins
[Thurs] Pack Rat Day
This Week Is … Tourism Week
This Month Is … Arthritis Month


Just in time for “Mother’s Day”, some things almost every mommy says at one time or another. You start ‘em off, then ask a crew member/studio guest/phone caller to finish ‘em …
• “Don’t make that face or … [it’ll freeze in that way.”]
• “If I talked to my mother the way … [you talk to me …”]
• “Always change your underwear … [you never know when you’ll be in an accident.”]
• “Be careful or you’ll poke … [your eye out!”]
• “What if everyone jumped off a cliff … [would you do that, too?”]
• “Don’t put that in your mouth … [you don’t know where it’s been!”]
• “I hope that when you grow up, you have … [kids JUST LIKE YOU!”]
• “Because I’m your mother … [that’s why!”]
• “If you fall out of that tree and break you leg … [don’t come running to me!”]
• “But who’ll end up walking it and … [feeding and bathing it?”]

• A month’s-worth of laundry.
• A family portrait of you with your dad with his new wife.
• The exciting opportunity to babysit all the grandchildren for the entire day.
• A gift certificate for 1 free mustache wax.
• A beautiful bouquet of tulips … from her garden.
• Last year’s belated Mother’s Day gift.

How’s a rock star make some extra pocket money? Selling hot-sauce apparently. Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry has a couple of concoctions he wants you to try: ‘Boneyard Brew’ and ‘Mango-Peach Tango’ …

• “Thank you, guys! Now the show CAN go on! You guys are awesome.”
– Ron Hunter, Power 96 [KQPR] Albert Lea MN.
• “It’s easy to forget how much I count on your stuff until I don’t have it! Thanks again.”
– Scott Overton, 790 CIGM Sudbury’s News Leader, Sudbury ON.
• Thanks for making me look good for these many years.
– Chuck LaTour, 100.5 The River [WTRV] Grand, Rapids MI.

I say if a job’s worth doing … it’s worth paying someone else to do it for you.

Today’s Question: This year, the average consumer will spend $104.63 on THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: “Mothers Day”.

Be grateful for all the hateful things you didn’t say.


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