Monday, May 29, 2006        Edition: #3292
Accept No Substitutes, Ask For 100% Pure BS!

• “The night of May 27, 2006 in Namibia, Africa, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt welcomed their daughter ‘Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt’. No further information is being given.” That’s the official announcement from Brangelina publicist Cindy Guagenti. According to other reports, the actress’ doctors convinced her to give birth by Caesarean section due to a ‘minor complication’. The entire world couldn’t hold its breath any longer, perhaps?
– “Star Magazine”
• Gwen Stefani gave birth to a baby boy FRIDAY at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. ‘Kingston James McGregor Rossdale’ was delivered via Caesarean section and weighed 7.5 lbs. One thing for certain about this kid … he’ll be well-dressed!
– “E!”
• Actress Hilary Swank & actor hubby Chad Lowe have jointly decided to divorce. Their lawyer claims they ‘continue to be friends and have the utmost respect for one another’. He said it with a straight face. The problem may be that, since they wed in 1997, she’s appeared in 15 movies and been a 2-time Academy Award winner, while he’s been … Mr Swank.
– “People”
• This seems as likely as Tom Cruise doing a show on mental health, but Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen are planning to produce a children’s TV show on … nutrition and fitness. It’s untrue the working title is ‘Toss Your Cookies, Kids’.
– “Daily Dish”
• “Spider-Man” villain Willem Dafoe is set to be the baddie again, playing ‘Mr Bean’s’ nemesis in “French Bean”, the long-awaited sequel to the 1997 Rowan Atkinson comedy “Bean”. The movie has already begun shooting in France. Since the “Mr Bean” TV series wrapped back in 1995, Atkinson has been doing … not a helluva lot.
– “Contact Music”
• After 2 failed marriages, actress Halle Berry has sworn off getting married again but she says she can see herself growing old with her new beau, Montréal male model & budding restaurateur Gabriel Aubry. In fact, the pretty pair are considering starting a family together. In Hollywood, that’s usually the first step before … the breakup.
– “The Scoop”
• Dr Robert Lomas, the intellectual who’s said to have inspired the ‘Robert Langdon’ character in “The Da Vinci Code”, says his first choice for an actor to play him in the movie would’ve been Mel Gibson, not Tom Hanks. But how would you ever get uber-Catholic Mel to star in a film many of the faith consider blasphemous? Now there’s a real puzzler!
• Looks like David Spade’s lucky streak is over. The actor’s rebound romance with Heather Locklear has ended, according to those ubiquitous ‘insiders’. We’re betting the little guy’s still pinching himself to believe she ever gave him a shot.
– “In Touch Weekly”

• Beyoncé – She’s confirmed that she lost 20 lbs to play the super-svelte ‘Deena Jones’ in the movie version of the Broadway musical “Dreamgirls”. It opens this DECEMBER.
• George Michael – He’s asking his former Wham! bandmate Andrew Ridgeley to join him for a gig at London’s Wembley Stadium in SEPTEMBER. The 2-man pop act split in 1986 after a final performance there.
• Gnarls Barkley – “Crazy” is the longest-running UK chart-topper since Wet Wet Wet’s “Love
Is All Around” in 1994.
• Kylie Minogue – It’s been confirmed the cancer survivor will headline the final night of NEXT YEAR’s “Glastonbury Festival”, Britain’s mammoth summer music fest.
• Metallica – Frontman James Hetfield credits the band’s documentary “Some Kind of Monster” with saving him from alcoholism. Filming it made the now-sober singer see how his lifestyle was destroying him & hurting those around him. Now he says ‘music is the best drug in the world’.
• Nelly Furtado – She says teenage heartbreak put a stop to her early efforts as a rapper. After another rapper ditched her, she quit rapping and began writing love songs.

• TONIGHT is the annual gala opening of the “Stratford Shakespearean Festival” in Lloyd Robertson’s hometown of Stratford ON, but this year’s lavish line-up of luxury limos will be disrupted by a protest from anti-poverty activists who are demanding the Ontario government raise welfare rates by 40%. TONIGHT, festival fave Colm Feore will play the title role in Shakespeare’s “Coriolanus”. He also plays ‘Fagin’ in “Oliver!”, opening TOMORROW.
• TONIGHT season 4 of “Canadian Idol” kicks off on CTV. A total of 12,173 hopefuls auditioned for this year’s show, an 81% increase over last year. The first 3 weeks will feature highlights from the cross-country auditions. The top 22 contestants will be unveiled JUNE 19-20.
• TONIGHT the first-ever “Sony Ericsson Stylus DJ Awards” will be handed out at Toronto’s York Event Theatre, to recognize club & radio DJs in Canada’s major urban markets for their ‘trendsetting and taste-making contributions to the national music scene’.

What do wives feel most guilty about when it comes to their husbands? 45% of those surveyed say it’s that they don’t look as good as they did when they married their men. (Take another look, honey … ol’ sofa slug ain’t any Greek Adonis himself!)
– “Ladies’ Home Journal”

EM & EM:
For the 10th year running, ‘Emily’ is the most popular name for infant girls in the United States. For 2005, ‘Emma’ was the #2 name on the list. For boys, ‘Jacob’ is the most popular, as it has been since 1999. Other top picks are ‘Michael’, ‘Joshua’ and ‘Matthew’.
– Associated Press

• Tons of A-list celebs have flipped for the hottest craze to hit the beach THIS YEAR – designer flip-flops that feature themed pendants and a row of crystal accents along the toe thong. Celebrity fans include Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba, Britney Spears, Jennifer Aniston, Denise Richards, Drew Barrymore, Rachel Bilson, Cameron Diaz & Mischa Barton. (Wow, thongs you can wear without walking funny!)
• Pope Benedict XVI has been taking fashion advice from his older brother, Catholic priest Georg Ratzinger. The siblings, who speak every week, often discuss the Pope’s choice of clothes. Benedict XVI has raised more than a few eyebrows with his fashion taste. Among his recent choices: a red fur-lined velvet hat, known as a ‘camauro’, and a pair of gold Gucci sunglasses. (Seems that’s the gospel according to the ‘Fashion Bible’.)
– “Metro”

There’s a small but growing new educational movement called ‘unschooling’, which allows kids to dictate how and when they learn. It’s an extreme version of homeschooling, with no curriculum, no set hours, no homework, no set lessons, no textbooks and no comparing a child’s progress with others. Proponents say some days kids feel like learning a lot, and other days they don’t. It’s just part of the ‘natural rhythms of life’. (Most of these kids will end up with a single skill – recess.)
– “Arizona Republic”

According to a new poll, here are the all-time best movies of the conspiracy genre. Hmm, don’t see the words ‘Da’ or ‘Vinci’ listed anywhere here …
5. “Enemy Of The State”
4. “All The President’s Men”
3. “The Manchurian Candidate”
2. “The Matrix”
1. “JFK”
– “The Sun”

The 11 monkeys and apes in Budapest Zoo drink 55 litres of red wine each year. Sadly the  monkeys only get cheap table wine, as zoo staff keep the best Bull’s Blood for themselves.

About 10,000 trained coffee makers and servers are needed in Beijing and Shanghai, China. Why? So many of China’s middle classes have begun drinking cappuccino and caffé latté that the country’s labor ministry has declared an official skills shortage – they need more people who know how to make it.
– “Sunday Telegraph”

“I don’t mind my Caesarean scar, because it looks like a smile.”
– Ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell who’s a new mom to a daughter she cruelly named ‘Bluebell Madonna’.

THIS MONTH is “Moving Month”, because more people move in MAY than at any other time. A few moving facts …
• By far the biggest reason for moving is the quest for a better job and presumably a better life.
• Younger people move more often. 36% of those between the ages of 20-and-24 relocate each year; 31% of those between 25-and-29.
• The average family leaves behind 1,500 lbs of trash when they move or about 25% of their total household belongings.
• Moving is considered 1 of the top 5 biggest stressors you experience in life. (The others are getting a divorce, losing a job, suffering a debilitating illness, and burying a loved one.)
• Each year, a full third of all renters move.
• The average person moves 11 times in a lifetime.

Each year, 80,000 North Americans need hospital treatment for lawnmower injuries. Most victims are hit by debris flying off the spinning blades.
– “New Scientist”


1958 [48] Annette Bening, Topeka KS, movie actress (“Being Julia”, “American Beauty”)/Mrs Warren Beatty since 1992

1959 [47] Rupert Everett, Norfolk UK, movie actor (‘Prince Charming’ in “Shrek” series, “My Best Friend’s Wedding”)

1961 [45] Melissa Etheridge, Leavenworth KS, classic rock singer (“I’m The Only One”, “Come to My Window”)

1967 [39] Noel Gallagher, Manchester UK, rock guitarist/songwriter (Oasis-“Champagne Supernova”, “Wonderwall”)/Liam Gallagher’s slightly less obnoxious brother

• “Memorial Day”, observed on the last Monday in May in the USA, is a day of remembrance for those who have died in service to the USA. It was originally called “Decoration Day” 138 years ago (1868) when General John Logan declared a day to decorate Civil War soldiers’ graves with flowers at Gettysburg PA. Nowadays its more often observed as ‘Beach Day’ or ‘Picnic Day’.

• “Oak-Apple Day” or “Shick-Shack Day” in England, the anniversary of the restoration of Charles II to the British throne in 1660, traditionally marked by wearing an oak leaf or twig (because wearing the whole tree can cause severe back pain). The current Prince Charles has let it be known that if and when he becomes king, he’d rather be called ‘King George VII’ rather than ‘Charles III’ because the previous Charlies were lousy leaders – Charles I was beheaded, and Charles II fathered so many illegitimate children that he was known as the ‘Father of his People’.

1900 [106] Otis Elevator Co trademarks the name ‘Escalator’ (the other day when the power went off, [co-host] was stuck on the escalator for 3 hours!)

1953 [53] Sherpa guide Tenzing Norkay allows his boss Sir Edmund Hillary to become 1st to stand atop Mt Everest

1993 [13] Wayne Gretzky gets a hat-trick for an NHL record 8th time in playoff career as LA Kings beat Toronto Maple Leafs 5-4 to advance to Stanley Cup final

1996 [10] Odd record set for ‘Longest Names of 2 Starting Pitchers in a Single MLB Game’ (San Francisco Giant William VanLandingham and NY Met Jason Isringhausen – 37 letters)

[Tues] Water a Flower Day
[Wed] Senior Health & Fitness Day
[Wed] Save Your Hearing Day
[Wed] World No-Tobacco Day

International Pickle Week / Design Drafting Week / Frozen Yogurt Week / Surgical Technologists Week / Poetry Week / American Beer Week (aka Cat Pee Week)


• In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8-by-10 cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6-by-8 cubicle.
• In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
• In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
• In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

• The ‘Mona Lisa’ doesn’t have any eyebrows. (TRUE. In Renaissance Florence, shaving off your eyebrows was considered chic. Mona was apparently part of the ‘in crowd’.)
• Queen Elizabeth II will overtake Queen Victoria as Britain’s longest-serving monarch in 5 years. (BS. Victoria ruled 64 years, while QEII completes her 54th year on the throne THIS YEAR. She’ll need to stick around until age 90 in 2016. But considering she has good genes, that’s quite possible – her late mom lived to 101!)
• You can figure out a frog’s age by counting its rings. (Weird yet TRUE. Frog bones form a new ring every year while froggy is hibernating, so scientists can count them to determine its age — but only after it’s dead.)
• Honey is often used as an ingredient in the center of golf balls. (TRUE. Now if you could only find the ‘sweet spot’!)

• [Co-host] is grumpy again this morning. He’s the only person I know whose bed has 4 wrong sides.
• Once again I’ve discovered the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
• A South African gold miner lost his leg in an accident. Choking back tears he whined, “All is lost! Who’s gonna want a one-legged gold-digger?” Then his phone rang. “It’s Paul McCartney.”

The UK’s “Sun” tabloid notes that the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ hit “Dani California” sounds remarkably similar to the vintage Tom Petty tune “Mary Jane’s Last Dance”. You know what? They’re absolutely right! In fact, the guitar rifts are almost identical. Check it out …

Today’s Question: 62% of us say its just not a picnic unless you have THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A frisbee.

Eat well, exercise … die anyway.

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