Monday, May 22, 2006        Edition: #3287
Accept No Substitutes, Ask For 100% Pure BS!

• Seems it’s J-Lo’s newly-discovered gray hair that is fueling those baby rumors. Perhaps she’s just trying out the ill, haggard, homeless look as worn by hubby Marc Anthony?
– “Star Magazine”
• Conan O’Brien is being tapped to host the 58th annual “Emmy Awards” on AUGUST 27th, marking his 2nd time as the event’s emcee and confirming his status as NBC-TV’s official go-to guy. Jay who?
– “E! Online”
• In her increasingly desperate attempt to look like Jessica, it seems Ashlee Simpson may invest in some perky new boobs to go along with her less beaky new nose. If she really wants the world to love her more, she’ll just go away completely.
– “Enquirer”
• A new pic of Nicole Richie has her looking like she’s just come from a killer game of mahjong at the seniors’ center. At least the long sleeves hide the twigs she’s been using for arms lately. In another pic, her saggy bikini looks more like a diaper.
– “Us Weekly”
• Dr Robert Lomas, the intellectual who’s said to have inspired the ‘Robert Langdon’ character in “The Da Vinci Code”, says his first choice for an actor to play him in the movie would’ve been Mel Gibson, not Tom Hanks. But how to get uber-Catholic Mel to star in a film many of the faith consider blasphemous? Now there’s a real puzzler!
– “Contact Music”
• Looks like David Spade’s lucky streak is over. The actor’s rebound romance with Heather Locklear has ended, according to those ubiquitous ‘insiders’. We’re betting the little guy’s still pinching himself to believe she ever gave him a shot.
– “In Touch Weekly”
• Now we get the real spiel on what happened with the McCartneys. It seems henpecked Paul hid away in his desert compound in Death Valley CA with 2-year-old daughter Beatrice as his marriage to domineering wife Heather disintegrated. And now he’s expected to turn to high-flying NYC lawyer John Eastman for advice about divorce. He’s the brother of Paul’s late first wife Linda, and will likely end up with what’s left of the loot Heather can’t latch onto.
– “News of the World”

• Beyoncé – She’s confirmed that she lost 20 lbs to play the super-svelte ‘Deena Jones’ in the movie version of the Broadway musical “Dreamgirls”. It opens this DECEMBER.
• Dixie Chicks – TONIGHT they guest on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• Green Day – TODAY ASCAP honors them with the ‘Creative Voice Award’ at its 23rd annual “Pop Awards” at LA’s Beverly Hilton Hotel. Annie Lennox will receive the ‘Founders Award’.
The black-tie gala will also honor the songwriters & publishers of ASCAP’s most performed songs of 2005.
• Led Zeppelin – TODAY, more than 25 years after disbanding, they receive the “Polar Music Prize”, a distinction awarded annually by the Royal Swedish Academy of Music. Sweden’s King Carl Gustaf XVI will present the award honoring the band as ‘one of the great pioneers of rock’.
• Van Zant– Johnny Van Zant had to undergo emergency surgery to have his appendix removed THURSDAY night, resulting in a string of show cancellations for Lynyrd Skynyrd, for whom he’s been the vocalist for 20 years.
• Toby Keith – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• The Wreckers – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).

• “24″ (FOX) 2-hour 5th season finalé.
• ‘Sydney Bristow’ (Jennifer Garner) & her gang of spies have their final mission in the “Alias” (ABC) series finalé after 5 seasons.
• “The Apprentice” (NBC) 5th season finalé.
• “CSI: Miami” (CBS) 4th season finalé.
• “King of Queens” (CBS) 8th season finalé.
• “Medium” (NBC) 2nd season finalé.
• “Punk”d” (MTV) 7th season finalé.
• “Two & a Half Men” (CBS) 3rd season finalé.
• “Wife Swap” (ABC) 2nd season finalé.

What do wives feel most guilty about when it comes to their husbands? 45% of those surveyed say it’s that they don’t look as good as they did when they married their men. (Take another look, honey … ol’ sofa slug ain’t any Greek Adonis himself!)
– “Ladies’ Home Journal”

EM & EM:
For the 10th year running, ‘Emily’ is the most popular name for infant girls in the United States. For 2005, ‘Emma’ was the #2 name on the list. For boys, ‘Jacob’ is the most popular, as it has been since 1999. Other top picks are ‘Michael’, ‘Joshua’ and ‘Matthew’.
– Associated Press

• Tons of A-list celebs have flipped for the hottest craze to hit the beach THIS YEAR – designer flip flops that feature themed pendants and a row of crystal accents along the toe thong. Celebrity fans include Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba, Britney Spears, Jennifer Aniston, Denise Richards, Drew Barrymore, Rachel Bilson, Cameron Diaz & Mischa Barton. (Wow, thongs you can wear without walking funny!)
• Pope Benedict XVI has been taking fashion advice from his older brother, Catholic priest Georg Ratzinger. The siblings, who speak every week, often discuss the Pope’s choice of clothes. Benedict XVI has raised more than a few eyebrows with his fashion taste. Among his recent choices: a red fur-lined velvet hat, known as a ‘camauro’, and a pair of gold Gucci sunglasses. (Seems that’s the gospel according to the ‘Fashion Bible’.)
– “Metro”

According to a new poll to mark the release of conspiracy thriller “The Da Vinci Code”, here are the all-time best movies of the genre …
5. “Enemy Of The State”
4. “All The President’s Men”
3. “The Manchurian Candidate”
2. “The Matrix”
1. “JFK”
– “The Sun”

Each year, 80,000 Americans need hospital treatment for lawnmower injuries. Most victims are hit by debris flying off the spinning blades.
– “New Scientist”

There’s a small but growing new educational movement called ‘unschooling’, which allows kids to dictate how and when they learn. It’s an extreme version of homeschooling, with no curriculum, no set hours, no homework, no set lessons, no textbooks and no comparing a child’s progress with others. Proponents say some days kids feel like learning a lot, and other days they don’t. It’s just part of the ‘natural rhythms of life’. (Most of these kids will end up with a single skill – recess.)
– “Arizona Republic”

About 10,000 trained coffee makers and servers are needed in Beijing and Shanghai, China. Why? So many of China’s middle classes have begun drinking cappuccino and caffé latté that the country’s labor ministry has declared an official skills shortage – they need more people who know how to make it.
– “Sunday Telegraph”


1950 [56] Bernie Taupin, Sleaford UK, lyricist (Elton John’s songwriting partner-“Candle in the Wind”)

1961 [45] Dana Williams, Dayton OH, country singer/musician (Diamond Rio-“God Only Cries”)

1970 [36] Naomi Campbell, London UK, fashion model/sometime movie actress (“Girl 6″) FACTOID: She’s celebrating with a $2-million, 3-day party in Dubai hosted by her boyfriend, multi-millionaire playboy Badr Jafar. All 18 floors of the 7-star Burj Al Arab hotel are being used to host A-list guests. Each day has a theme – TODAY’s is ‘Hip Hop’.

1972 [34] Anna Belknap, Damariscotta ME, TV actress (‘Detective Lindsay Monroe’ on “CSI: NY” since 2005)

• “Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day”. But respect your neighbors, don’t make it drums!

• “National Maritime Day” in America, by presidential proclamation. Har, hoist that bilge, matey!

• “Victoria Day”, an annual public holiday in Canada named for Britain’s Queen Victoria but it has little to do with her – it celebrates national unity. No matter what date it falls on, Canadians call it ‘May 2-4’, referring to a case of beer.

1992 [14] Johnny Carson hosts his final “Tonight Show” on NBC

1996 [10] “Mission: Impossible” with Tom Cruise opens in theaters

1761 [245] 1st ‘Life Insurance’ policy, issued in Philadelphia by the ‘Corporation for the Relief of Poor and Distressed Presbyterian Ministers and of the Poor and Distressed Widows and Children of Presbyterian Ministers’ (the descendants are still paying premiums)

1841 [165] 1st ‘Reclining Chair’ patented by Henry Kennedy of Philadelphia PA (the average weight of men immediately goes up 40 lbs)

1892 [114] 1st ‘Toothpaste Tube’, introduced by British dentist Dr Washington Sheffield (before that, you bought by the handful?)

[Tues] 41st Academy of Country Music Awards (Las Vegas NV)
[Tues] World Turtle Day
[Wed] International Jazz Day
[Wed] Brothers Day
[Wed] Morning Radio Wise Guy Day
[Wed] Escargot Day
[Thurs] Tap Dance Day
[Thurs] “So You Think You Can Dance 2“ debuts (FOX-TV)
[Fri] “X-Men: The Last Stand” opens in movie theaters

Poppy Week / Safe Boating Week / Dog Bite Prevention Week / Etiquette Week / New Friends, Old Friends Week / World Trade Week / Backyard Games Week


THIS MONTH is “Moving Month”, so here’s a few moving facts …
• Each year, more than 40 million Americans pack up their belongings and relocate to new homes and communities.
• By far the biggest reason for moving is the quest for a better job and presumably a better life.
• Younger people move more often. 36% of those between the ages of 20-and-24 relocate each year; 31% of those between 25-and-29.
• The average family leaves behind 1,500 lbs of trash when they move or about 25% of their total household belongings.
• Moving is considered 1 of the top 5 biggest stressors you experience in life. (The others are getting a divorce, losing a job, suffering a debilitating illness, and burying a loved one.)
• Each year in the US, a full third of all renters move.
• The average American moves 11 times in a lifetime.

• In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8-by-10 cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6-by-8 cubicle.
• In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
• In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
• In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

• The ‘Mona Lisa’ doesn’t have any eyebrows. (TRUE. In Renaissance Florence, shaving off your eyebrows was considered chic. Mona was apparently part of the ‘in crowd’.)
• Queen Elizabeth II will overtake Queen Victoria as Britain’s longest-serving monarch in 5 years. (BS. Victoria ruled 64 years, while QEII completes her 54th year on the throne THIS YEAR. She’ll need to stick around until age 90 in 2016. But considering she has good genes, that’s quite possible – her late mom lived to 101!)
• You can figure out a frog’s age by counting its rings. (Weird yet TRUE. Frog bones form a new ring every year while froggy is hibernating, so scientists can count them to determine its age — but only after it’s dead.)
• Honey is often used as an ingredient in the center of golf balls. (TRUE. Now if you could only find the ‘sweet spot’.)

• [Co-host] is grumpy again this morning. He’s the only person I know whose bed has 4 wrong sides.
• Once again I’ve discovered the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
• A South African gold miner lost his leg in an accident. Choking back tears he whined, “All is lost! Who’s gonna want a one-legged gold-digger?” Then his phone rang. “It’s Paul McCartney.”

Today’s Question: 62% of Americans say its just not a picnic unless you have THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A frisbee.

Eat well, exercise … die anyway.

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