Thursday, May 18, 2006       Edition: #3285
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

Paul McCartney & wife Heather Mills have confirmed they are separating, just a few days after she assured the press they were still solid – apparently she was still making calculations from the pre-nup? (when it comes to suing for alimony, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on) . . . SUNDAY’s finalé of “Survivor Panama: Exile Island” was the lowest-rated wrap-up in the show’s 12-season history, and as a result CBS-TV may reduce the frequency of the show . . . Contrary to reports it would be cancelled, “The Apprentice 6“ will air after all, but NBC-TV is pushing the LA-based 7th season debut back until JANUARY . . . Jennifer Lopez has cancelled a European/Asian tour without official explanation, but according to “In Touch” magazine its because she’s 3-months-pregnant with hubby Marc Anthony’s child . . . Perhaps here’s an inkling of why the British version of “Big Brother” is a much bigger hit – for the new season there are more contestants than beds, and one house-mate is said to be ‘a cross-dresser with Tourette’s syndrome’ . . . Kabbalah may have lost Britney Spears but it’s apparently picked up a replacement – Oscar-nominated Brit actress Keira Knightley (“Pride & Prejudice”) is reportedly the latest convert . . . Rocker Dave Navarro says that if he were ever to have a same-gender celebrity crush, he’d pick the ‘obvious choice’ – Johnny Depp (well thanks for that icky mental picture, Dave) . . . Cash-strapped Nick Lachey is said to be demanding $8 million from Jessica Simpson in exchange for ending their marriage quickly (seems he’s not so impressed with his new album either) . . . And everyone else has weighed in on the subject, so now it’s the turn of astrologer Jeff Jawer, who correctly predicted LAST YEAR’s “American Idol” winner – he says the stars are lining up for Katharine McPhee to be next.

• Alan Jackson – His next album will be produced by bluegrass favorite Alison Krauss and is scheduled for release in late SEPTEMBER.
• Arctic Monkeys – The lads who average circa 19-years-old recently outlasted 38-year-old Oasis fogey Noel Gallagher in a tequila-drinking contest at a club. Noel was reportedly so smashed his girlfriend had to help him home. The changing of the party guard?
• Carrie Underwood – She’s quickly becoming a popular cover girl, appearing on the front of JUNE’s “Reader’s Digest”, and fronting “Girls Life” and “Sweet 16″ later THIS SUMMER.
• Daniel Powter – TUESDAY he’ll perform live on the “American Idol” final performance show. His hit “Bad Day” has been used all season as background for contestants’ farewell montages.
• Janet Jackson – Word is she’s now shed a whopping total of 70 lbs in order to get back to performance form.
• Keith Urban – After months of no comment about their relationship, Nicole Kidman has finally confirmed to “People” magazine that she & Keith are engaged. No word on the big date.
• Sheryl Crow – THIS WEEK the cancer survivor returned to the stage to perform 3 songs at a sales presentation in NYC. Observers say she sounded great but seemed tentative in her movements.
• Snoop Dogg – He only received a ‘caution’ from London police for his part in that APRIL brawl at Heathrow Airport, but now Britain’s Home Office has informed him he’s permanently banned, no longer welcome to visit the UK.

• “American Inventor” (ABC/CH) 1st season finalé.
• “CSI” (CBS/CTV) 6th season finalé in HD.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated) features singer/songwriter Paul Simon.
• “ER” (NBC/CTV) 12th season finalé in HD.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) features ‘80s pop icon Huey Lewis.
• “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC) hosts Jack White’s new band The Raconteurs.
• “The OC” (FOX/CTV) 3rd season finalé in HD, in which one character is killed-off, rumored to be Misha Barton’s ‘Marissa Cooper’ due to a drug overdose.
• “That ’70s Show’ (FOX/CH) series finalé … mercifully.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) features a performance by the Pussycat Dolls.
• “’Will & Grace’ (NBC/Global) series finalé (1998-2006). At its peak in the ‘01-‘02 season it drew over 17 million viewers weekly. The cast was so sad at the final taping, they raided the set for souvenirs.
• “Without a Trace” (CBS/Global) 4th season finalé.

THIS WEEKEND moviegoers will get their first peek at Oliver Stone’s “World Trade Center” starring Nicolas Cage, as the trailer for the AUGUST 9th release will be screened – with a cautionary warning beforehand to audiences . . . Hugh Jackman says he got cranked up to play ‘Wolverine’ for early morning shoots on “X-Men: The Last Stand” by screaming and yelling while working out to Godsmack & Metallica . . . Demi Moore is set to portray legendary fashion designer Coco Chanel in an as-yet-unnamed biopic which will follow the French fashionista from her early career as a singer through her colorful life as a style icon . . . Chris Rock, who’s already the star & co-writer of “I Think I Love My Wife” (a remake of a 1972 French comedy) is now set to be director as well, because the previous helmsman has quit the project (Rock’s directorial debut was 2003’s “Head Of State”) . . . Seann William Scott (“The Dukes of Hazzard”), John C Reilly (“The Aviator”) & Jenna Fischer (the receptionist on “The Office”) will star in “Quebec”, a comedy about 2 grocery employees vying for a promotion . . . Steve Buscemi will direct and star in “Interview”, about a fading political journalist who’s forced to slum by interviewing a popular soap actress; Sienna Miller plays the untalented actress, a bottle blond with a boob job (isn’t that type-casting?).

TODAY is the best day to make a fresh start in life according to Dr Cliff Arnall, a psychologist at Cardiff University in Wales. He’s the same guy who famously tagged JANUARY 24th as the ‘most depressing day of the year’. Using a scientific formula, he’s calculated that MAY’s holidays, increased daylight, and optimism about the impending arrival of summer make it a great time to make New Year-style resolutions. There is a lot of positive energy associated with growth and renewal at this time of year and, if the good doc is correct, it peaks on this day. (It may be wacky science, but it’s a lot more fun than global warming and endangered species!)
– “The Guardian”

More protest over “The Da Vinci Code” – now the National Organization for Albinism & Hypopigmentation is objecting to the fact that the villain in the movie is an albino, claiming that this is the 68th film since 1960 to feature an evil albino. Other pigment-challenged bad guys have popped up in “The Matrix: Reloaded”, “Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones”, “Tomorrow Never Dies”, “Blade 2″ and “Star Trek Nemesis”. “The Time Machine”, starring Guy Pearce, featured an entire race of evil albino creatures known as ‘Morlocks’. The movie characters frequently have red eyes – like some real-life albinos whose irises lack pigment – and often dress entirely in white. NOAH complains that audiences are now conditioned that whenever they see someone with albinism in a movie, it’s going to be an evil character.
– “Wired News”

“Cleaning the toilet does not disgust me. I find it a thing of beauty. I get right into that toilet with my little scrubber and I scrub it. I never wear gloves.”
– Just one more reason you should never shake hands with Moby.

“Why does she keep making these stupid mistakes? She’s smart enough to make it through medical school but she can’t figure out that she shouldn’t be sleeping with strangers. I just show up and say my lines.”
– Actress Ellen Pompeo, waxing angst with the drudgery of being stuck in the title role of TV’s #1 show, ‘Dr Meredith Grey’ on “Grey’s Anatomy.

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … people often choose a romantic partner because they have similar sounding first and last names, or names that begin with the same letter. (This apparently explains why Lindsay Lohan ‘gets around’.)
• Scientists say … you can increase your short and long term memory by as much as a third when chewing gum. (But take a lesson from [co-host] and don’t attempt to walk at the same time.)
• Scientists say … you can get relief from hay fever simply by kissing passionately for 30 minutes. (Presumably what follows makes you forget all about your little sneezing prob.)

• Every day for the past 70 years, 79-year-old ‘Granny’ Liu of Guofu, China has been eating – stones. She chomps on pebbles the way many munch on peanuts. And the harder they are, the tastier, she says. But it has caused one problem. The stones wear down her teeth, and she’s had to replace her dentures … 3 times.
• A Flint MI woman was left in the dark for 7 hours because when she paid her $1,662.08 electricity bill she was short by – 1 cent. The merciless local power company turned off the juice until she showed up again, paid her penny … and got a receipt.
• Cops in Wiesbaden, Germany were dumbfounded after they pulled over a 28-year-old Polish woman for driving over 5 miles on the wrong side of a highway. They found she was more than 4 times over the legal alcohol limit … and driving without a licence … in a stolen car.
• 80-year-old Mary Wohlford of Decorah IA has made it perfectly clear what her final wishes are by having them written in ink – on her chest. Not wishing to be kept alive artificially, the retired nurse has had the words ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ tattooed on her chest.

Tall political candidates with short names get elected twice as often as short candidates with long names. So the perfect candidate would be 7′-5″ NBA star Yao Ming?

Marketing gurus say that Japanese workers aren’t getting enough oxygen due to stress and lack of exercise. This is purportedly especially true of those who slave long hours in front of a computer and don’t breathe deeply. So later THIS MONTH, 7-11 stores in Japan will begin selling the new product ‘O2 Supli’ – oxygen in a can. The 3.2-liter spray cans of 95% pure oxygen will each come with a small plastic mask attached to the top and sell for 600 yen ($5.50) a pop.
– Yahoo! News

An idea that was originally floated as an “April Fool’s” joke has generated so much interest that Dublin, Ireland bookmaker Paddy Power has decided to look seriously into organizing an event it hopes will make it into the “Guinness Book of Records” – the ‘World’s Biggest Strip Poker Tournament’. A spokesman says the company has already had close to 100 requests to take part, but it first needs to determine if it would be legal or if participants would be sent to the slammer. If it’s a go, it will be slated for this AUGUST or SEPTEMBER. Prizes are undecided as yet but might include – a golden fig leaf.
– Reuters


1952 [54] George Strait, Poteet TX, country singer (“Seashores Of Old Mexico”)/most #1 hits of any country recording artist

1955 [51] Chow Yun-Fat (Yun-Fat Chow), Hong Kong, movie actor (“Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”)

1970 [36] Tina Fey, Upper Darby PA, TV writer/comedian (“Saturday Night Live” head writer since 1999)/screenwriter (“Mean Girls”)

1961 [45] Barry Graul, Greenville TX, pop/contemporary Christian musician (MercyMe -“So Long Self”)

1975 [31] Jack Johnson, Oahu HI, pop singer/songwriter (“Upside Down”)

• “International Museum Day”, established in 1977 by the International Council of Museums to draw attention to the world’s museums, no matter how large, small or … strange, such as the ‘Museum of Dirt’.

• “Molokai Ka Hula Piko”, a Hawaiian cultural festival celebrating the hula dance.

• “No Dirty Dishes Day”, a convenient excuse to eat 3 meals in a restaurant.

• “Visit Your Relatives Day”, a day to renew relationships with seldom-seen relatives. Um, maybe there’s a reason they are seldom seen?

1986 [20] Chung Kwung Ying performs 2,750 ‘hand-stand push-ups’

2004 [02] Arizona Diamondbacks’ 40-year-old lefty Randy Johnson becomes ‘Oldest MLB Pitcher to Throw a Perfect Game’, beating Atlanta Braves 2-0

[Fri] 12th Bike to Work Day
[Fri] International Peace Day
[Fri] Memo Day
[Fri] “The Da Vinci Code” opens in movie theaters
[Sat] US Armed Forces Day
[Sat] Senior Citizens Day
[Sat] 2006 Preakness Stakes
[Sun] Wait Staff Day
[Mon] Victoria Day (no BS service)
This Week Is . . . Transportation Week / Etiquette Week
This Month Is . . . Executive Coaching Month / Family Support Month


Prime the pump with a few of these, then let listeners add to the list …
• Veggie burgers as food.
• Ryan Seacrest as a host.
• Tom Hanks as an actor.
• Ron Howard as a director.
• Podcasts as worth the effort.
• Cult religions as something to brag about.
• Nose studs as a shared accessory.
• Paris Hilton as a human.
• The Hummer as a realistic mode of transportation.
• “Canadian Idol” as a talent competition.

You run down the list and have a listener or studio guest pick which is better …
• SUV or hybrid?
• “Grey’s Anatomy” or “Desperate Housewives”?
• Blondes or brunettes?
• White wine or red?
• Golf or tennis?
• Little black dress or jeans & a T?
• Paper or plastic?
• Jogging 10Ks or a root canal?
• Caribbean or Mediterranean?
• Boxers or commando?

Today’s Question: Far more women are willing to make money by doing THIS than men.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Bending over to pick up a penny.

You can never unsay a cruel remark.

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