Tuesday, May 16, 2006        Edition: #3283
Can You Believe This Sheet?

TODAY 45-year-old original “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch is scheduled to be sentenced on tax evasion charges and is facing up to 13 years in prison for failing to report the million he won on the show in 2000 along with other income (next he’s appearing in ‘Survivor: Sing Sing’) . . . The former bandmates of “American Idol” contestant Taylor Hicks have delivered to him a pair of lucky charms he always carried when performing back in Alabama – a Ray Charles bobblehead doll and a king of clubs playing card (is that a booblehead in your pocket or …) . . . Airhead Paula Abdul says she’s picking Elliott Yamin to win “American Idol 5″, but then only about 10% of people surveyed say they value her opinion . . . Mega-popular teen website MySpace.com, recently purchased by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp, will begin selling episodes of FOX-TV’s “24″ NEXT WEEK as part of a plan to turn the site into a business that competes with Yahoo! and iTunes . . . 37-year-old “King Kong” actress Naomi Watts is the latest celeb to serve as a UN envoy, taking on the role of roving ambassador for the Joint United Nations Program on AIDS . . . “Law & Order” producer Dick Wolf is using the real-life exploits of slimy investigator-to-the-stars Anthony Pellicano as inspiration for a new TV series he’s developing called “Power”, about young hotshot prosecutors going after corrupt Hollywood honchos . . . And Kevin Federline’s ex-, Shar Jackson, wants to set the record straight on all the dis he gets about being lazy and absent from his family by claiming ‘he’s a good guy and an amazing dad’ (apparently he just hides it well).

• Britney Spears – She’s announced on her website that she has given up Kabbalah (probably a good thing, considering she didn’t know how to spell it). She says her baby is now her religion.
• Christina Milian – TODAY her 3rd album “So Amazin’” is released, featuring appearances from Young Jeezy, Three 6 Mafia and Dre of the producing duo Cool & Dre.
• Crosby, Stills & Nash – TONIGHT they’ll be honored as ‘Icons’ by  the performing-rights organization BMI at its annual “BMI Pop Awards” in Los Angeles. Why? Likely because they agreed to show up.
• Janet Jackson – Her producer/boyfriend Jermaine Dupri claims she didn’t just get fat from being a slug but was ‘gaining weight for a potential movie’ (what’s a potential movie?). While she’s undergone a punishing fitness regime over the past few months, he claims it’s not a requirement of her contract as has been reported. Well that seems to confirm it.
• TI – He’s facing another 150 hours of community service after being arrested for a probation violation LAST WEEK. The problem? Of the 375 hours of service he was originally sentenced to LAST YEAR, he has completed only … 10.
• Also in music stores TODAY – T Bone Burnett’s “The True False Identity”; Hoobastank’s “Every Man for Himself”; Cam’Ron’s “Killa Season”; The Raconteurs’ “Broken Boy Soldiers”; and Ashley Parker Angel’s “Soundtrack to Your Life”.

• “The Producers” ( Musical Comedy ): The Broadway musical sensation goes full circle back to Hollywood, where it all began as Mel Brooks’ 1968 debut film. Nathan Lane & Matthew Broderick reprise their stage roles as an unlikely pair who team up to create the worst production ever, a musical biography of Hitler. Uma Thurman & Will Ferrell co-star.
• “The Ringer” ( Comedy ): Johnny Knoxville stars as a schemer who attempts to compete in the Special Olympics by faking mental disability. It’s for a good cause, mind you – to help a friend in need and pay off his loser uncle’s gambling debts. Turns out he’s completely out-classed by his fellow Olympians, who are not only better athletes but wiser in the ways of the world. Co-stars Katherine Heigl & Brian Cox.
• “Something New” ( Romantic Comedy ): Sanaa Lathan & Simon Baker star in the story of an interracial romance that meets with the disapproval of family and friends. Sort of a “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” lite.
• “When a Stranger Calls” ( Horror Thriller ): Camilla Belle takes over the role created by Carol Kane in this remake of the 1979 cult horror film about a babysitter terrorized by a killer who taunts his victim by phone. Creepily, it turns out all of the calls are being made from within the house.
• “The White Countess” ( Drama ): The final movie of the decades-long Merchant-Ivory film collaboration (made just before the death of producer Ismail Merchant) is set in 1930s Shanghai, where a blind American diplomat develops a curious relationship with a young Russian refugee. Stars Ralph Fiennes, Natasha Richardson & Vanessa Redgrave.
• Also on DVD TODAY: The newly repackaged “Napoleon Dynamite: Like, the Best Special Edition Ever!”.

• “Boston Legal” (ABC) 2nd season finalé.
• “Celebrity Debut” (ABC) special, featuring embarrassing early footage of John Travolta, Halle Berry, Kate Winslet, Felicity Huffman, Andre Agassi & other stars from movies, TV & sports.
• “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (NBC) 7th season finalé.
• “NCIS” (CBS) 3rd season finalé.
• “Scrubs” (NBC) 5th season finalé.
• “The Unit” (NBC) 1st season finalé.

A new UK study of women finds that those who juggle a career with family life are healthier and slimmer than stay-at-home types. The Community Health study finds that 38% of full-time homemakers qualify as obese, as opposed to just 23% of those with multiple roles. (But they qualify as terminally stressed.)

The 1986 film “Troll” is considered one of the 50 worst movies ever made, yet it spawned 2 sequels.

It seems that T-shirts are the new bumper stickers, a canvas for witty sayings and musing with a bit of ‘tude. And now tiny novelty Ts for toddlers are hitting the market. A sampling of popular slogans for the under 3-ft set …
• “Which Part of Terrible Two’s Don’t You Understand?”
• “What Happens in Preschool Stays in Preschool”
• “My Mom Rocks”
• “84% Dirty, 16% Filthy”
• “Boob Man”
– “Atlanta Journal-Constitution”

Maximiliano Arellano from Mexico City has been studying medicine on his own and become an expert in the fields of osteoporosis, diabetes & anemia. He’s been invited to speak at medical congresses all over Mexico. Though he’s applied to attend Mexico’s State Medical University, the director says he thinks the lad is just too young. You see, Maximiliano is just … 6-years-old!
– Ananova News

A new Harris Interactive survey asks thousands of employed adults which rude behaviors most interfere with their work performance. Among the etiquette gaffs named were ‘using PDAs during meetings’, ‘using speakerphones in public areas’ and ‘conducting personal conversations in the workplace’. But here are the most annoying interruptions of all …
• Loud talking in work areas. (32%)
• Micro-managing by supervisors. (34%)
• Reprimanding someone in front of co-workers. (37%).
• Speaking in a condescending tone. (44%)
• Using profanity. (91%)
– Netscape Careers & Jobs

• Send voice-mails that go on-and-on. When you finally get to the point … repeat it … twice.
• Forward as many stupid e-mails as possible. The average office worker is said to receive about 42 e-mails a day. Why not forward all of yours on to everyone else?
• Communicate only in baby talk.
• Send a mass e-mail asking if anyone wants free tickets … but don’t have any.
• Bang your head repeatedly on your computer keyboard. When people ask what’s wrong, say “Nuthin’” … but keep banging. It’s like tapping your fingers on the desk … only 10 times worse.
• Yell for someone to “Check this out!” Make sure it’s pointless (your latest paper clip chain?) and they’re busy. You’ll make them get up and waste their time … 2 points for you!
– “Weekly World News”

What gets most cat owners in trouble when trying to wash their puss is that they are nervous about it. Cats pick up on that, animal experts say. So here’s what you do – have the same calm family member do the job each time. Bathe cats on dry, not humid days, so they dry quicker. Rather than immersing the cat, put it in a sink or washtub and use a sprayer or ladle of water to gently wet it with warm water. Let the cat put its paws on the edge of the sink to give it the illusion of control. (What do they mean illusion? Look at all the trouble you just went to!)
– Knight-Ridder News

After studying 6,000 men, presumably from behind, an inventive Brit company has come up with stay-put boxers that stretch like skin. The cotton-spandex creations are specially cut to give a unique 8-way stretch that clings, thereby avoiding a flash of any flesh. They’re set to retail for about $18.
– “Housebuilder” magazine.

There is no music played in the elevators at the Muzak headquarters.

1953 [53] Pierce Brosnan, Drogheda, Ireland, movie actor (“The Matador”, former ‘James Bond’-“Die Another Day”, “Tomorrow Never Dies”)

1954 [52] Dafydd (Dave) Rhys-Williams, Saskatoon SK, NASA space shuttle astronaut (STS 90)

1964 [42] Boyd (‘BT’) Tinsley, Charlottesville VA, alt-rock musician (The Dave Matthews Band-“Crash”)

1966 [40] Janet Jackson, Gary IN, pop singer (“All For You”)/9th and youngest child in dysfunctional Jackson family  FACTOID: Her 9th studio album, “20 Years Old”, is scheduled for a SEPTEMBER release. The first single from it, “Call on Me”, which features Nelly, will be released JUNE 19th.

1969 [37] David Boreanaz, Buffalo NY, TV actor (‘Special Agent Seeley Booth’ on “Bones” since 2005, “Angel” 1999-2004, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 1997-99)

1973 [33] Tori Spelling, Beverly Hills CA, TV actress (“So noTORIous”, “Beverly Hills 90210″ 1990-2000)/producer Aaron Spelling’s spoiled-rotten daughter/homewrecker who eloped with formerly married Canadian actor Dean McDermott MAY 7 in Fiji

• “Biographers Day”, a day to start reading or writing a biography. What would you call yours?

• “Census Day in Canada”, a statistical snapshot of the country taken every 5 years. For the first time, you can register online THIS YEAR, using the access code included on your form.The latest census will survey more than 32 million people and is expected to cost $567 million by the time the stats are all broken down. You are required by law to participate. Just in case you get a visit from the census police, you need . . .
• Waiting until after operation so I can list myself as a ‘woman’.
• I thought going to the window and yelling “Here!” was good enough.
• I thought it was just another application for a Canadian Tire credit card.
• I didn’t know whether to count the hostage in the basement as a ‘boarder’.
• Too shy.

• “Canada-Wide Science Fair”, the 25th annual taking place all THIS WEEK in Saguenay, Québec, displaying over 400 projects from students across the country at Université du Québec à Chicoutimi. So what’s the weirdest science on display?
PHONER: 418.615.1215 (Jocelyn Caron, Nathalie Flynn)
NET: http://www.cwsf2006.ca

• “Wear Something Purple for Peace Day”, the first intergalactic holiday, as declared by a wacko group called ‘The Moderns’ who contend aliens will not communicate with Earth due to our violent nature. The goal of this observance is to make the world a peaceful place and thereby encourage alien species to make contact.

1929 [77] The “Academy Awards” are inaugurated in Hollywood (“Wings” wins ‘Best Picture’)

2005 [01] “Everybody Loves Raymond” series finalé on CBS-TV

2000 [06] Prince tells press conference he will go back to using his name instead of the unpronounceable symbol he adopted to ‘free himself from undesirable contracts’

1866 [140] 1st ‘Root Beer’ created (Charles Elmer Hires)

1891 [115] ‘Spam’ is introduced by Geo A Hormel & Co (pink goo in a can)

1965 [41] ‘Spaghetti-Os’ 1st marketed (more pink goo in a can)

[Wed] 2006 “Cannes Film Festival” begins
[Wed] Pack Rat Day
[Wed] National Playday for Health
[Thurs] Visit Your Relatives Day
[Thurs] International Museum Day
[Fri] 12th Bike to Work Day
[Fri] “The Da Vinci Code” opens in movie theaters
This Week Is … Dog Bite Prevention Week
This Month Is … Allergy/Asthma Month


We give you the birth name of celebrities, you give us the name they choose to use …
• Thomas Mapother IV [Tom Cruise]
• Eric Bishop [Jamie Foxx]
• Alecia Moore [Pink]
• Eileen Regina Edwards [Shania Twain]
• Paul David Hewson [Bono]
• Carlos Irwin Estevez [Charlie Sheen]
• Curtis Jackson [50 Cent]
• Audrey Perry [Faith Hill]
• Dana Owens [Queen Latifah]
• Roberta Joan Anderson [Joni Mitchell]
• James Todd Smith [LL Cool J]
• Demetria Gene Guynes [Demi Moore]
• David Robert Hayward-Jones [David Bowie]
• Richard Starkey [Ringo Starr]

I’m not easily offended … please try harder.

Today’s Question: Guys who learn THIS are much more likely to attract desirable partners.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: How to dance.

Life isn’t about how fast you run or how high you climb, it’s about how well you bounce.

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