Thursday, May 11, 2006           Edition: #3280
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet … Ahhhh!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the first half of “CSI’s” 2-episode season finalé unveils a mystery for viewers to participate in, both by watching and examining evidence online (the cast shot in the show’s opening sequence is said to provide a clue) . . . After 12 seasons, “ER” could be leaving its THURSDAY 10 pm time-slot NEXT SEASON, as NBC is considering a move to Tuesday or Wednesday (more than a move, this show needs CPR)  . . . A Gallup Poll shows that Tom Cruise’s ‘Favorability Rating’ has slipped 23% in the past year (gee, wonder why?) . . . “Forbes” magazine’s new list of the ‘Most Generous Celebrities’ includes Jackie Chan, Bono, Nicolas Cage, Paul McCartney & Angelina Jolie, who reportedly gives a third of her income to charity (nice people in show biz – how weird!) . . . “The Da Vinci Code” strikes again – rock journalist Christopher Dawes & Rat Scabies of the punk band The Damned have been on a serious quest to find the ‘Holy Grail’ for a couple of years and are now auctioning a 2% share in it, should they find it, on eBay (wouldn’t you rather have 2 points of the movie?) . . . After actors asked for too much moolah, NBC has abandoned plans to bring together the original cast of “The West Wing” for a confab before THIS SUNDAY’s show finalé, and instead will rebroadcast the show’s very first episode from 1999 (when ‘Josh Lyman’ still had hair) . . . Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, owner of ultra-conservative FOX News, has raised eyebrows by agreeing to host a political fundraiser for – Hillary Clinton (he’s not a fan; just savvy enough to play both sides of the road).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Nick Lachey – He’s doing the sob rounds this week, TONIGHT on ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”.
• Rolling Stones – Keith Richards’ condition may be worse than first thought. Some reports say doctors have warned his family he may end up partly paralyzed or with other brain damage. Meantime, a rep for the band is denying he’s had a 2nd brain operation, a reported craniotomy, in which part of the skull is removed to relieve pressure on the brain.
• Tom Petty – Ticketmaster has cancelled almost 500 concert tickets issued to fan club members after they were resold for a higher price online. It’s believed scalpers specifically joined Petty’s fan club in a bid to obtain the tickets and then sell them for profit. You can bet this has happened before.
• Tragically Hip – Later THIS MONTH their contribution to the arts will be recognized at the “Royal Occasion” gala in Toronto, where they’ll be awarded honorary fellowships from the Royal Conservatory of Music.
• Train – TONIGHT they guest on “Last Call With Carson Daly” on NBC.

MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
Tom Cruise’s next mission may be playing comic book hero “Iron Man”, a billionaire industrialist who fights crime in a super-powered suit (a script is now being written) . . . The Weinstein Co has bought screen rights to the vintage NBC-TV series “Knight Rider” (1982-86), which starred David Hasselhoff & a hi-tech talking car called ‘KITT’ . . . “American Idol 3″ winner Fantasia Barrino will play herself in the Lifetime original TV movie, “Life Is Not a Fairy Tale: The Fantasia Barrino Story”, scheduled to air in AUGUST . . . Jamie Foxx & Jennifer Garner will co-star in “The Kingdom”, a drama about a counter-terrorist unit sent to investigate a bombing in a Middle Eastern country . . . “That ‘70s Show” alum Ashton Kutcher will star in an as-yet-untitled romantic comedy set amid the world of – florists (‘Brokeback Flowers & Gifts’?) . . . Pierce Brosnan & Rachel McAdams have signed on for “Marriage”, a 1940s drama about a cheating husband who plots to kill his wife – to spare her the shame of a divorce (how thoughtful) . . . And a live-action, big-screen adaptation of “The Jetsons”, based on the futuristic animated TV series that aired 1962-88, is in the works for 2009 (even by then, we STILL won’t be driving a nifty flying bubble like ‘George Jetson’).

THE CAREER CRUNCH:
It’s estimated 75% of workers suffer stress on-the-job. So what’s causing it – endless e-mail, confining cubicles and addiction to a Crackberry? Uh-uh. According to a new poll of employees, these are the top factors …
5. Overbearing or Interfering Boss (9%)
4. Last-Minute Projects (10%)
3. Tight Deadlines (11%)
2. Unrealistic Workload (15%)
1. Co-Workers (16%)
(And so, in the interest of mental health, we’d all like to say to [co-host] this morning – Goodbye!)
– CareerBuilder.com

NO FOOD CHANNEL FOR CHIMPS:
What makes humans different from apes? According to author & anthropologist Alfred Crosby it’s – cooking. That skill allowed humans to do some of the work of digestion outside the body, clearing the way for a smaller gut and larger brain, and enabling that gut to store energy from previously unappetizing sources, such as hard grains. Chimps spend 6 hours a day chewing, notes Crosby, while humans – or as he refers to us, ‘cookivores’ – average just one. (So there you have it, the so-called ‘missing link’ in evolution is – Emeril Lagasse.)
– “Social Studies”

TRUE BS CRIME:
• Police in Vancouver think they may have solved a string of 7 bank robberies all over the Lower Mainland of BC in the last month-and-a-half. But what’s surprising is the ages of the suspects they’ve busted – two 13-year-olds and a 14-year-old!
• A thief in Suceava, Romania, spotted a priest spending freely and having a good time at a strip club, so he went outside, broke into the cleric’s car and took $7,500 from a suitcase. After the theft was discovered, police tracked down and arrested the perp. And after church authorities heard about the incident, they launched an investigation into the priest’s ‘moral fitness’.
• A very drunk man in Burnaby BC fired a shotgun in his backyard thinking it would scare his nephews into doing some yardwork. Police, called by neighbors, arrested the man and confiscated the weapon. They found no sign of the nephews. Oh, and the yardwork wasn’t done either.
• Squirrel monkeys at the London Zoo have been snatching cellphones from visitors as they stroll through their barrier-free enclosure. Zookeepers think they know how to stop the thievery. Staffers dressed as visitors are offering the monkeys broken cellphones smeared with mustard – which they apparently hate. Unless it’s a good quality Dijon.

MOST FREQUENT AUTO REPAIRS:
According to the auto industry trade magazine “Motor Service”, the most frequent auto repairs are …
5. Steering/Suspension
4. Ignition/Electronic Control
3. Cooling/Heating System/Radiator
2. Brake System
1. Lube/Oil Change/Filters
(For a complete list, just check your manual for what’s NOT included in your warranty.)
– Auto Insurance Center

NOSE JOB:
A pair of black Labradors has become the first ever dogs trained to uncover – fake DVDs. They can detect the chemicals used in making discs due to their incredible sense of smell, which is 100,000 times more sensitive than a human’s. THIS WEEK ‘Lucky’ and ‘Flo’ were let loose in London, England’s Stansted Airport and, within minutes, had found several packages containing DVDs. Police say the dogs, who were trained for 8 months, will prove useful as trade in counterfeit DVDs is often linked to other crimes, including people trafficking. (What we need is a dog trained to sniff out a decent movie at the video store.)
– Reuters

THE FEAR OF FAT:
Highlights of a new poll on body image …
• 90% of us would still go out on a date even if we felt fat.
• 59% of us would rather be poor and fit than rich and substantially overweight.
• 56% of us would rather be unemployed than gain 75 lbs.
• 42% of us say the abdominal muscles are the body part we’d would most like to change.
• 27% of women say they’d rather get their wisdom teeth pulled than shop for a swimsuit.
• 24% of women say they’ve avoided intimacy because they felt uncomfortable with their body.
• 14% of us would consider giving up 20 IQ points to gain the perfect body.
(We’d consider a lobotomy to look good but not anything tough – like eating well or exercising.)
– “Fitness” magazine, JUNE issue.

AN AGGRESSIVE BOUQUET OF KELP:
German marine biologist Dr Inez Linke has developed wine made from – seaweed. She claims the odd vintage, made from a brown seaweed known as ‘laminaria saccharina‘, tastes like a fine sherry and is extremely healthy. It’s also – whoa! – 16% alcohol! (Which will obliterate any memory of the fact that you’re drinking seaweed.)
– “Globe & Mail”

SOMMELIER ON YOUR CELLPHONE:
So you’re dining out at a hifalutin restaurant and don’t want to look like a total rube when the wine list is handed to you. What to do? Australian winemaker Hardys is launching a text service that will turn even the most ignorant diner into a connoisseur. The service provides quick and easy advice on the right wines to have with thousands of dishes. (Funny how ‘Hardys Nottage Hill Chardonnay’ keeps coming up, no matter whether you text in ‘chicken Kiev’ or ‘Pogo dogs’.)
– “GQ”

DO THESE 3 THINGS & ADD YEARS TO YOUR LIFE:
According to a study of over 25,000 people by researchers at Britain’s Cambridge University,
if you make 3 small changes to your lifestyle, it can give you the life expectancy of a person 12 years younger. They are …
• Exercise more.
• Stop smoking.
• Eat more fruits & vegetables.
(Simple, ain’t it? Just exercise your right to stop smoking vegetables.)
– BBC News

THE BULL SHEET 05.11.2K6

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [73] Louis Farrakhan (Walcott), Roxbury MA, Nation of Islam leader famous for his fiery and controversial rhetoric on race relations/organizer of ‘Million Man March’ (1996)

1941 [65] Eric Burdon, Walker-on-Tyne UK, oldies singer (“Spill the Wine”, Animals-“House of the Rising Sun”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1994)

1943 [63] Nancy Greene, Ottawa ON, legendary skier (1968 Olympic gold & silver, 1967 & 1968 overall World Cup titles)/Canadian Sports Hall of Fame/Canada’s Female Athlete of the 20th Century

1963 [42] Tim Raybon, Greenville AL, country singer (Raybon Brothers-“The Way She’s Looking”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Chair Day”, celebrating the invention of the common chair in 2181 BC. Before that, no one ever ‘took a load off’.

• “Eat What You Want Day”, a day to ignore all the warnings, avoid worrying and counting calories, and thereby fight our obsession with being thin. Okay, so healthfulness is not in play – what do you really, really, really want?

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1981 [25] Legendary reggae musician Bob Marley dies in Miami FL at age 36 of brain cancer (voted the 11th greatest rock artist of all-time in “Entertainment Weekly”)  FACTOID: TONIGHT his son Damian Marley is a guest on the “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson”.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1969 [37] “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” comedy troupe forms in Britain (eventually leads to “Spamalot” on Broadway)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1984 [22] ‘Canadian Security Intelligence Service’ (CSIS) is created

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1999 [07] Only time in modern baseball that both starting pitchers in a Major League game share the same name, as Bobby Jones of Colorado Rockies beats Bobby Jones of NY Mets

COMING UP . . .
[Fri] Receptionists Day
[Fri] Limerick Day
[Fri] Kite Day
[Fri] Nutty Fudge Day
[Fri] International Nurse’s Day
[Fri] “Poseidon” opens in movie theaters
[Sat] Full ‘Flower’ Moon (2:51 am ET)
[Sat] Native American Day
[Sun] Mothers Day
This Week Is … Tourism Week
This Month Is … Arthritis Month

BULL’S BITS

BS MOMISMS:
Things almost every mom has said at one time or another …
• “You’re the oldest … you should know better!”
• “You won’t be happy until you break that, will you?”
• “You can’t find it? Well, where did you leave it last?”
• “You can’t find it? Well, I can’t find it for you … I’m not the maid!”
• “You can’t start the day on an empty stomach.”
• “You could grow potatoes in those ears!”
• “You could have called.”
• “You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you.”
• “You just ate an hour ago!”
• “You have an answer for everything, don’t you?”

LEAST-HEARD BS SENTENCES:
• “I can’t believe how cheap gasoline is these days!”
• “Wow, these taxes are great!”
• “I’m sorry, if you want service charges you’re just gonna have to go to a different bank.”
• “Hey, that was a really different episode of ‘According to Jim’, wasn’t it?”
• “Gee Mom, sorry your Mothers Day card arrived several days EARLY.”

BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the best advice your mom ever gave you?

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• … thanks for that. Once again you’ve proven the old saying, it’s the dead wood that holds up the tree.
• You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar … if you’re into catchin’ flies.
• It’s true! Two can live as cheap as one … if one doesn’t eat.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS Latin term for ‘bountiful mother’ is now used to refer to a former school.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Alma mater.                 

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Every path has some puddles.


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