Friday, May 5, 2006        Edition: #3276
Bullseye!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT on NBC-TV’s “Las Vegas”, Olympic figure skater Sasha Cohen gets to flirt with show hottie Josh Duhamel as she makes her acting debut – playing herself (the casino carpet’s gonna be hacked to shreds) . . . SUNDAY “Friends” alum David Schwimmer is scheduled to make his Broadway debut in the WW2 military drama, “The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial” (we’re guessing he’s not ‘Captain Queeg’) . . . Québec director Jean-Marc Vallée’s award-winning film “CRAZY” has opened in France on 90 screens, including 15 in Paris . . . Nominees in PETA’s 6th annual poll to find the ‘World’s Sexiest Vegetarian’ include Avril Lavigne, INXS’ JD Fortune, K-OS, Pink, Fall Out Boy’s Andy Hurley, Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Anthony Kiedis, Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder, U2′s Larry Mullen Jr, and – Paul McCartney (uh, sexy?) . . . Here’s an odd mental picture – comedian Dame Edna Everage (Barry Humphries) has reportedly punched a photog who was bothering him outside a Sydney, Australia restaurant (why not just smack him with the ol’ purse?) . . . Sorry Ellen DeGeneres, but more people watched a rerun of “Wife Swap” than LAST WEEKEND’s “Daytime Emmy Awards” (it ranked 70th in the ratings – with an anchor) . . . The 13th season of “Survivor” will begin filming NEXT MONTH in the Cook Islands, the same location (perhaps even the exact same camps) used for a UK edition and other international versions of the show . . . Rumors are flying that everyone on FOX-TV’s “Unan1mous” is an actor except for truck driver/family man Steve, something he’ll finally find out in the reality show’s finalé NEXT WEEK . . . And “Sopranos” star James Gandolfini has fortunately suffered only minor scratches after being hit by a taxi in NYC and knocked off his scooter (how disillusioning – ‘Tony Soprano’ rides a Vespa?).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Celine Dion – She’s apparently suffering from a rare ear disease called ‘labyrinthitis’, which she says could last anywhere from a couple of weeks to a year. Sounds like someone wants out of the daily grind of a long-term Vegas contract.
• Diana Ross – “Blue”, an album of standards she recorded in 1971-72 that was never released, is being marketed exclusively by Starbucks for 5 weeks before hitting music stores JUNE 20th.
• Eric Clapton – TONIGHT he kicks off a 13-country European summer tour in Le Cannet, France.
• INXS – SUNDAY they begin a 15-city Canadian arena tour at Fredericton NB’s Aiken Centre.
• Jimmy Buffett – TODAY he guests on TV’s syndicated “Live With Regis & Kelly”.
• The New Cars – TONIGHT they’re on CBS-TV’s “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson”.
• Red Hot Chili Peppers – Their new album, “ Stadium Arcadium”, has somehow been leaked online before its scheduled release TUESDAY. The offender is still being tracked down. TOMORROW they’re the musical guests on NBC-TV’s “Saturday Night Live”, hosted by Tom Hanks.
• Rolling Stones – Latest word is Keith Richards may have suffered a mild brain hemorrhage after falling from that palm tree in Fiji. A publicist refuses to comment on reports that doctors had to drill into his skull to drain blood from his brain.
• The Strokes – TONIGHT they appear on “Late Night With Conan O’ Brien”.
• TI – LAST NIGHT’s show in St Louis was postponed after a member of his entourage was killed WEDNESDAY in a gun battle on I-75 in suburban Cincinnati. The altercation began at after-hours Club Ritz, also scene of a shooting last JUNE.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “An American Haunting” ( PG-13 Horror Thriller ): Based on true events validated by the state of Tennessee as the only case in US history where a spirit or entity caused the death of a man. Over 20 books have been written on the subject. Stars Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek & Rachel Hurd-Wood. Shot in Montréal and Romania.
NET: http://www.anamericanhauntingonline.com/
• “Hoot” ( PG Family Comedy ): Jimmy Buffett’s first movie production is based on a Carl Hiaasen novel about a high school kid who has just moved to Florida where he initiates a fight to stop big business from destroying the home of some endangered burrowing owls. Stars Logan Lerman, Luke Wilson & Brie Larson.
NET: http://www.hootmovie.com/
• “Mission: Impossible 3“ ( PG-13 Action Thriller ): “Lost” and “Alias” writer/director JJ Abrams helms the latest $150-million adventure involving Tom Cruise’s ‘Ethan Hunt’ character. This time he’s dispatched by the ‘IMF’ to confront a diabolical international arms dealer (Oscar-winning “Capote” actor Philip Seymour Hoffman). Co-stars Ving Rhames, Keri Russell & Laurence Fishburne. Rumor has it the first trailer for Oliver Stone’s “World Trade Center” will show before the movie.
NET: http://www.missionimpossible.com/

SPRING BLUES:
A new study of close to 30,000 suicides published in the “British Journal of Psychiatry” has found that people born in APRIL, MAY or JUNE have a 17% higher risk of suicide than those born in the Autumn. The research team suggests the increased risk reflects the fact that more people with alcoholism, depression and mood disorders are born in these months. (So what we’re saying here is – it’s probably a good idea not to forget to buy that birthday card this week.)
– BBC World News

APPLE CORP LOVES THIS:
2 Australian miners who’ve been trapped for 9 days, 3,000 feet underground in a goldmine, have been given – iPods. Programmed with country music for one man and hip-hop for the other, they were passed through a 4-inch-wide plastic tube, along with food and water. The men, who became trapped when an earthquake hit their mine in Tasmania, don’t seem to have lost their sense of humor – one of them is even asking for overtime.
– ABC News

TUNNELING THE SUN:
Residents of a 14-story condo in central Tokyo, Japan are set to receive sunlight via – fiber optics. They demanded the innovation after learning another building being erected nearby would leave them in permanent shadow. The lighting system, developed by a consortium of engineering companies, transmits sunlight captured by a large rooftop lens through an optical fiber system to lighting installations in each unit. Harmful ultraviolet rays are removed. (Just in case you want to tan on the end of a tube.)
– CNEWS

GENDER-SPECIFIC LANGUAGE:
The Oxford English Corpus is a database that records the way English is spoken and written by monitoring books, TV, radio, newspapers and, increasingly, websites and blogs. Some words, it finds, are used almost exclusively to apply to males and others to females. Only men seem to hijack, crouch, kidnap, rob, grin, shoot, dig, stagger, leap, invent or brandish. Women, on the other hand, tend to be the only ones to consent, faint, sob, co-habit, undress, clutch, scorn or gossip.
– “The Guardian”

AND WE QUOTE:
• “The whole thing has been very hurtful, especially hurtful to have untruths be perpetuated,”
– Actress Denise Richards in TODAY’s issue of “Us Weekly” magazine, who just can’t seem to shut-up about estranged husband Charlie Sheen, estranged friend Heather Locklear, and Locklear’s estranged husband, Richie Sambora.
• “I wish Heather well. Unfortunately our friendship had to dissolve, and I’m sad about that. The last thing I wanted to do is create a media frenzy.”
– Actress Denise Richards yet again, in TODAY’s issue of “People Magazine”, doing her best to prevent further ‘frenzy’ by yakking to anyone with a pen and/or camera.

THE BULL SHEET 05.05.2K6

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [63] Michael Palin, Sheffield UK, TV adventurer (“Himalaya”, “Sahara”)/comedian (Monty Python’s Flying Circus 1969-74)/movie actor (“A Fish Called Wanda”)

1959 [47] Brian Williams, Elmira NY, TV news anchor (“NBC Nightly News”)

1981 [25] Craig David, Southampton UK, pop/R&B singer (“Hidden Agenda”, “Fill Me In”)

1989 [17] Chris Brown,  Tappahannock VA, hip-hop singer (“Yo [Excuse Me Miss]”, “Run It”)

SATURDAY –
Classic rock singer Bob Seger (“Against the Wind”) is 61; British Prime Minister Tony Blair is 53; TV host Tom Bergeron (“Dancing with the Stars”) is 51; Movie actor/director George Clooney (“Good Night & Good Luck”) is 45; Rock guitarist Chris Shiflett (Foo Fighters) is 35; NHL goalie Martin Brodeur (NJ Devils) is 34.

SUNDAY –
Classic rocker Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead) is 60; NBC-TV anchor Tim Russert (“Meet the Press”) is 56; One-hit-wonder Eagle Eye Cherry (“Save Tonight”) is 34.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Cartoonist Day”, kicking off “Cartoon Art Appreciation Week”, to create greater public awareness of and appreciation for the cartoon.
• “Cinco de Mayo”, a Mexican holiday commemorating the 1862 victory over French troops at the Battle of Puebla. Mexicans everywhere celebrate with parades & fiestas. Widely observed in the American Southwest. (Sort of like this past MONDAY, only more festive!)
• “Halfway Point of Spring” with 46 days behind us and 46 more to go until the first day of Summer.
• “International Tuba Day”, celebrating the musical instrument that seems to get no respect, and recognizing tubists around-the-world who struggle with the ‘weight and size of their big instrument’.

SATURDAY –
• “Astronomy Day”, established to teach the public about the stars by encouraging astronomy clubs and groups to offer telescopic views.
• “Free Comic Book Day”, the 5th annual attempt to reacquaint today’s screen-addicted kids with the comic book experience. Thousands of comic book stores will give away issues – gratis!
NET: http://www.freecomicbookday.com
• “International No Diet Day”, the 15th annual, co-sponsored the Canadian Association for Size Acceptance, to convince us to stop being obsessed with weight. You’re encouraged to wear a light blue ribbon and join the celebration. Did you know …
 – The average North American woman is 5′-4″, weighs 140 lbs, and wears a size 14 dress while the ‘ideal’ woman, portrayed by models and screen actresses, is 5′-7″, weighs 100 lbs, and wears a size 8.
 – One-third of North American women wear size 16 or larger.
 – 75% of North American women are dissatisfied with their appearance.
 – 50% of North American women are on a diet at any one time.
NET: http://www.eskimo.com/~largesse/INDD
• “Kentucky Derby”, the first jewel in the Triple Crown of horse racing, run in Lexington KY. This year’s festival features a mint julep made from one of the state’s finest bourbons, mint from Morocco, ice from the Arctic Circle and sugar from the South Pacific, all served up in a gold-plated cup with a silver straw. The cost of the drink: $1,000.
• “Childhood Depression Awareness Day”, sponsored by National Mental Health Association.
• “Nurses Week” begins, in recognition of their contributions and commitment to quality health care. It culminates in “International Nurses Day” MAY 12th.
• “Tourist Appreciation Day”, a day to be extra-courteous to guests in our country.

SUNDAY –
• “International UNmothers Day”, an annual event honoring women who’ve consciously chosen NOT to be mothers. It’s also “Single Mother’s Day”, honoring those who do the work of 2 parents all by themselves.
• “Privy Diggers Day”, honoring those who excavate outhouses to explore the past. (Sheet disturbers? Um, is this a growing field of endeavor?)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1904 [102] MLB’s 1st ‘Perfect Game’ (Boston Americans’ Cy Young vs Philadelphia)

1961 [45] 1st American astronaut in space (Alan Shepard … for a whopping 15 minutes)

1980 [26] 1st non-British player to win “World Snooker Championship” (Canada’s Cliff Thorburn)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1979 [27] California’s Richard Brown sets ‘Skateboard Speed Record’ of 71 mph

1991 [15] Yasuyuki Kudoh performs record ‘Non-Stop Motorcycle Wheelie’ that covers 205.7 miles (Tsukuba City, Japan)

COMING UP . . .
[Mon] No Socks Day
[Mon] World Red Cross Day
[Tues] Lost Sock Memorial Day
[Tues] Small Business Day
[Wed] Third Shift Workers Day
[Wed] Child Care Provider Appreciation Day
[Thurs] Eat What You Want Day
This Week Is . . . Pen Friends International Week
This Month Is . . . Bike Month

BULL’S BITS

BS PHRASES TO AVOID WHEN WRITING YOUR OWN WEDDING VOWS:
• “Until debt do us part …”
• “And at least consider the possibility of an occasional threesome …”
•  “… in sickness and in health, unless it’s during the Stanley Cup playoffs.”
• “Whither thou goest I will go … but for god’s sake use the air freshener when you’re done!”
• “For richer or poorer, with a 6-figure minimum …”
• “… take thee, Tom Cruise, as my lawfully wedded husband.”

TRUTH OR BS?
Some of the following statements are true, some pure BS. But which are which?
• A human’s thighbones are stronger than concrete. [TRUE]
• All shrimp are born male, but grow into females as they mature. [TRUE]
• Eating cheddar cheese before bedtime increases your odds of dreaming about female country singers. [Uh ... BS]
• You can get life in prison for mugging someone on the subway in Britain. [TRUE]
• Brushing your hair can make it grow faster. [BS]
• Coca-Cola was originally green in color. [BS]
• Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. [TRUE]
• “Mission: Impossible” is based on a real-life government agency called the ‘Impossible Missions Force’. [BS. It’s based on a TV series that ran from 1966-73.]
• Venezuela’s Angel Falls are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls. [TRUE]
• Osama Bin Laden owns Snapple. [BS]

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• The secret to the success of our marriage is 2 times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
• I have 2 kids at home … I guess I should give them back though

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 40% of guys won’t ask a woman out again if she does THIS on a date.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Snorts when she laughs.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the butter.


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