Thursday, May 4, 2006        Edition: #3275
A Bull in Hand Is A Sheetload of Prep!

TODAY Britney Spears is holding a press conference at the Los Angeles Convention Center, but even her closest aides have no idea what she’s going to announce (could it finally be time to dump the loser?) . . . Has-been stars Erik Estrada (“ChiPs”) & Loni Anderson (“WKRP in Cincinnati”) will be featured in the upcoming TV Land reality show, “Back to the Grind”, in which they tackle the real-life jobs they had on TV, Estrada as a highway patrolman & Anderson as a radio station secretary (proving anyone can get work in today’s 300-channel TV universe) . . . Seems Jennifer Lopez also has reality-show fever and is in negotiations with MTV to star in her own weekly show focusing wannabe dancers for whom she’ll act as mentor (‘So You Think You Can Dance: The Diva Edition’) . . . Recent Paris Hilton-reject Stavros Niarchos has already been spotted at an LA club ‘all over’ actress Lindsay Lohan and was later spotted leaving her hotel room (apparently he’s also all over what’s her name) . . . 45-year-old former “Canada AM” chef Mary Jo Eustace is pitching a bitter book titled “My Husband Left Me for Tori Spelling”, which promises to dish the dirt on her estranged husband, Toronto-born actor Dean McDermott, whom she claims dumped her just 3 weeks after meeting the also-married “So NoTORIous” star (she shortened up the book’s title by eliminating ‘… That Skanky Ho’) . . .  Charlie Sheen’s weepy estranged wife Denise Richards is now denying she was involved with Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora, estranged husband of (former) best friend Heather Locklear, before they too split up (these people should all take a long, cold shower) . . . Because we really must know, “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria tells us she & NBA boyfriend Tony Parker like to play air hockey – in the buff (he scores!) . . . In an attempt to get back to a size 2, new mom Katie Holmes has joined ‘Buff Brides’, a fitness outfit famous for preparing future brides for their big day (in a hurry to get over Suri?) . . . THIS WEEK the father of “American Idol” reject Kellie Pickler, Bo Pickler, has been released from Florida State Prison after serving 3 years for stabbing a fellow resident of – a trailer park (what a surprise) . . . And Pem Farnsworth, wife of television inventor Philo T Farnsworth, has died in Bountiful UT at age 98; often called ‘the mother of television’, she was the first person ever to appear on TV (we thought that was Mike Wallace).

• Avril Lavigne – Word has it the 21-year-old plans to marry Sum 41’s Deryck Whibley in Beverly Hills AUGUST 26th but her advisors & family back home in Canada are asking her to wait a little longer, reportedly cautioning her about young marriage with 2 words – ‘Britney Spears’.
• Ben Harper – TONIGHT he’s on NBC-TV’s “Last Call With Carson Daly”.   
• Eminem – 2-time wife Kim Mathers has filed a response to his divorce request, asking for financial support, attorney fees, and joint custody of their 10-year-old daughter Hailie .
• Motley Crue – Vince Neil is in negotiations to open his own tattoo parlor at the Flamingo hotel on the Las Vegas Strip. If it flies, it will be cleverly known as ‘Vince Neil Ink’.
• Pearl Jam – TONIGHT they guest on “Late Show With David Letterman”, then remain afterward to perform a live webcast concert from CBS-TV’s Ed Sullivan Theater. The concert will be streamed at about 5:55 pm ET.
• Sean Paul – He says he steers clear of alcohol because it renders him completely useless, but admits to smoking marijuana which he claims allows him to maintain self-control and doesn’t addle his memory. Hmm, a Jamaican that smokes ganja … go figure.

26-year-old “OC” star Adam Brody says he was ‘grossed out’ doing his first-ever love scene with 44-year-old Meg Ryan in the upcoming “In the Land of Women” (2007), in which he plays a young writer having an affair with an older neighbor (it’s untrue that she leaked Botox all over the sheets) . . . The 1984 teen comedy “Revenge of the Nerds” is getting a remake, but there’s no word on casting as yet (the original starred Robert Carradine, “West Wing” actor Timothy Busfield, and Anthony Edwards, 10 years before he joined “ER”) . . . Also being remade – the 1985 movie “Red Sonja”, which starred Brigitte Nielsen as the comic book heroine (a new comic book series was released LAST YEAR) . . . Will Smith has completed principal photography on “The Pursuit Of Happyness” (purposely misspelled) in which he co-stars with his 7-year-old son Jaden (slated for a DECEMBER release) . . . Eddie Murphy has reportedly agreed to play ‘Axel Foley‘ in a 4th go-round of “Beverly Hills Cop” (expensive divorces will make you do this kind of thing) . . . Acclaimed actor Paul Giamatti (“Cinderella Man”/”Sideways”) will play Santa Claus in an as-yet-untitled holiday comedy co-starring Vince Vaughn as Santa’s bitter, black-sheep brother, ‘Fred Claus’ . . . And actress Reese Witherspoon has given her brother John, who just completed 2 years’ probation for sexual assault, a job as her assistant on the set of her new movie, perhaps fatefully entitled – “Our Family Trouble”.

TODAY in the Philippines, there’ll be an attempt to break the world record for – ‘mass breast-feeding’. The Filipino record bid is part of a campaign to encourage breast-feeding among young mothers and is expected to draw thousands to the San Andres Sports Complex in Manila. The current record was set in 2002 in Berkeley, California when 1,130 moms breast-fed their babies en masse.
– “Gulf News”

TODAY is the day many Irish wear their coats inside-out to confuse the ‘Maytime Fairies’.

• An Australian was recently cleaning up damage from a cyclone near Darwin when a 14-foot-long crocodile jumped out of a saltwater pen and snatched the chainsaw right out his hands. Apparently ticked off by the noise, the croc chewed on the saw for about an hour-and-a-half. In Aussie slang, it’s ‘buggered’, but both the man and the croc named ‘Brutus’ were uninjured. The owner says he may rename him ‘Two-Stroke’.
•  A 45-year-old man has caused an uproar in the rural Oklahoma town of Bray by putting up a lawn sign offering $1,000 for a ‘Virgin Bride Between the Ages of 12-and-24′. After numerous complaints from neighbors, he’s put up a new sign which doesn’t include ages but specifies he’s not looking for a ‘Pig-Worshiping, Heathen, White-Supremacist Wife’. Well, the guy has taste.
• A Mississauga ON woman is one lucky lady. A large metal sheet, possibly from the wing of an airplane, crashed into the rear of her SUV. The big chunk, measuring some 10 ft-by-3 ft trashed her rear window but left her uninjured because she’d parked the vehicle and left it – less than a minute earlier. Karen MacLellan says she may buy a lottery ticket this Friday.
• 22-year-old Adam Ballard of Missouri is trying to gain enough weight to force the US Army to discharge him. He admits he foolishly joined up 2 years ago to ‘get a big pile of money’, but now wants out before he’s sent to war. So he’s attempting to turn his body into a big tub of lard in order to be discharged for exceeding maximum body-fat limits. Why not use him as a rampart?
• 33-year-old Muhamad Noor Che Musa who lives in northern Malaysia has wed for the first time, saying mutual respect and friendship had turned to love. That’s nothing new for his bride, Wook Kundor – it’s her 21st marriage! You see, she’s 104-years-old.

What do the names ‘Michael’, ‘Matthew’, ‘Christopher’, ‘Jacob’, and ‘Joshua’ have in common? They’re the top 5 boys’ names of the last 5 years combined. For top names, consistency seems to be the key and little variation has occurred. For girls, ‘Ashley’, ‘Emily’, ‘Samantha’, ‘Hannah’, and ‘Elizabeth’ are tops so far for the 21st century. Names predicted to increase in popularity in the near future include ‘Ava’, ‘Grace’ and ‘Nicholas’.

Scientists may have found the secret behind why some people gain weight even though they eat less. It’s all the handiwork of a gene known as ‘CPT1c’, which the brain needs to manage weight. According to researchers, the gene protects against weight-gain caused by a high-fat diet. In experiments on mice, it was found that those lacking the gene gained more weight than their litter-mates who had it. (In other words, if you’re missing the gene you’ll only fit into maternity jeans.)
– ANI Health & Science

What’s it like living large? Imagine being able to afford a night in these flophouses (yep, we’re talking a single-night stay) …
5. Bridge Suite at Atlantis, Paradise Island, Bahamas … $25,000
4. Presidential Suite at Hotel Cala di Volpe, Cost Smeralda, Italy … $27,277
3. The Royal Villa at Grand Resort Lagonissi, Athens, Greece … $34,088
2. Royal Penthouse Suite at President Wilson Hotel, Geneva, Switzerland … $35,000
1. Penthouse Suite at The Hotel Martinez, Cannes, France … $37,200
– “Forbes Magazine”

Online gamers can now become rich by playing computer games. The creators of sci-fi game “Entropia Universe” have launched a cash card which lets players spend the money they have accrued playing the web game in the real world. The card can be used at ATMs worldwide and just might revolutionize computer gaming. In “Entropia”, money is made by selling condos and retail space to other players, and – just like in real life – by imposing taxes. Every 10 “Entropia” dollars are equal to 1 real dollar. (Meaning the next billionaires will all be under 14-years-old.)
– AP

After weeks of legal wrangling, Tom Cruise & bride-to-be Katie Holmes have reportedly signed a $40-million pre-nup agreement. A $15-million trust has been set up for Holmes and new daughter Suri, to which they’re entitled regardless of whether a wedding happens. If the couple marries and later divorces, Holmes would receive an additional $25 million from Cruise, who is thought to be worth circa $450 million. Latest word is they plan to wed in JULY. (Hmm, maybe she’s not as zoned-out as she’s been acting.)
– “GQ”

“I just want to make a lot of money, buy a house and then quit.”
– Tom Cruise’s “Mission: Impossible 3“ co-star Keri Russell, being refreshingly honest in an interview with “The Independent”.


1928 [78] Maynard Ferguson, Montréal QC, legendary jazz musician/Order of Canada (2004)/Canadian Music Hall of Fame (1997)

1959 [47] Randy Travis (Traywick), Marshville NC, country singer (“Forever & Ever Amen”)

1972 [34] Mike Dirnt, Berkeley CA, rock musician (Green Day-“Boulevard Of Broken Dreams”)

1979 [27] Lance Bass, Laurel MS, has-been boy-band singer (‘N Sync-“Bye Bye Bye”)

• “Canadian Tulip Festival” through May 22th in Ottawa-Gatineau. This year’s fest hosts the “XXIII Annual World Flower Council Summit” May 18-22. The Canadian Festival has grown into the largest in the world thanks to a gift of 100,000 tulip bulbs from Holland’s Princess Juliana in 1945 as thanks for providing a home during WWII.
PHONER: 613.567.4447 (Tulip Hotline)

• “International Firefighters’ Day”, to recognize the efforts of the brave hearts who risk their lives to keep us safe. (And what women consistently pick in polls as the ‘sexiest profession’.)

• “International Relationship Renewal Day”, saluting relationships that have made it through another year. Couples are encouraged to celebrate and congratulate one another and each other.

• “Scrapbook Day”, honoring what’s become a hot hobby of late. ‘Scrapbooking’ now involves a lot more than just gluing a few pics in a book. It even has its own magazine …

• “Space Day 2006″, the 10th annual hi-tech educational event in which schools, museums and planetariums in some 21 countries participate in a webcast interacting with NASA astronauts. Always the first Thursday in May.

• “Weather Observers’ Day”, recognizing both pros and amateurs who follow the elements. (Hmm, which would [local TV weather reporter] qualify as?)

1927 [79] The ‘Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences’ is founded (the Oscar people)

1959 [47] 1st ‘Grammy Awards’ presented (winners include Perry Como, Ella Fitzgerald, Henry Mancini, and the Kingston Trio)

1994 [12] Bill Wyman announces his retirement from the Rolling Stones (thereby missing out on the hundreds of millions they’ve made since)

1715 [291] 1st ‘Folding Umbrella’ pops open in Paris

1968 [38] 1st McDonald’s ‘Big Mac’ is served (“2 all-beef patties, onions, pickles, lettuce, mustard on a sesame seed bun”)

[Fri] “Mission: Impossible 3“ opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Cinco de Mayo
[Fri] Cartoonist Day
[Fri] International Tuba Day
[Fri] No Diet Day
[Sat] 2006 Kentucky Derby
[Sat] Astronomy Day
[Sat] Nurses Week begins
This Week Is . . . Safe Kids Week
This Month Is . . . Young Achiever’s Month


• What happens to your fist when you open your hand?
• What exactly is ‘walking distance’ … to the end of the continent?
• How can you mass-market ‘rare’ Scotch?
• At what point will we develop solar energy … when Sunoco owns the Sun?
• What does it mean when a woman has big feet?

• “Good Old Boy Translates Bible into Redneck – So Us’n Can Understan’ What the Good Lord Wanted Us to Lern!”
• “Space Station Infested with Mice – NASA to Send up Cat!”
• “Smoking Makes You Ugly!”
• “Jehovah’s Witnesses to Use Bullhorns on People That Don’t Answer Their Doors!”
• “Origasmi – The Sensual Art of Folding Paper”

• Money isn’t everything … as long as you have enough.
• If you want revenge on a married guy, just call his house and hang up every time his wife answers.
• Horticulture is one screwed-up way of saying ‘gardening’.

Today’s Question: If you have a ‘bilateral perorbital hematoma’, you’re suffering from THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A black eye.

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