Wednesday, May 3, 2006 Edition: #3274
Sheet For Brains!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Tom Cruise is scheduled to be part of a full day of events throughout Manhattan as part of ‘Mission: NYC’, leading up to TONIGHT’s US premiere of “Mission: Impossible 3″ at the “Tribeca Film Festival” . . . TONIGHT little-known singer/songwriter Bird York is on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”, the ethereal voice of the tune “In the Deep” in the Oscar-winning film “Crash” . . . FOX-TV will soon begin selling downloads of individual “American Idol 5″ performances – audio for 99 cents; video for $1.99 . . . In his new book, “Desperate Networks”, author Bill Carter notes that ABC-TV passed on picking up “American Idol” just like it did “Survivor” – twice . . . “Desperate Housewives” star Teri Hatcher’s autobiography is out THIS WEEK, which she says she titled “Burnt Toast” because it was her childhood metaphor for coping with whatever life throws at you (far better than her original idea – ‘Steaming Load’) . . . The burgundy Vera Wang gown worn by actress Keira Knightley to THIS YEAR’s Oscars ceremony has sold on eBay for $7,855 in a charity auction to benefit Oxfam relief work in East Africa . . . Keira Knightley, by the way, tops “FHM” magazine’s new list of ‘The 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2006″ . . . Men’s evangelical group Promise Keepers has released “The WatchWord Bible”, a 10-DVD version of the New Testament that it hopes will counteract the upcoming “Da Vinci Code” movie . . . Ford Motor Company is considering getting into reality TV, with contestants presenting ideas for a new vehicle and the company building a concept version of the winning design (“Okay, so like it gets 2,000 mpg and …”) . . . CBS-TV’s announcement that a new band named ‘Supernova’ would be formed on THIS SUMMER’s “Rock Star 2″ was a surprise to an Orange County rock trio because – they’ve been using that name since the ’90s (they haven’t threatened any legal action – yet) . . . Seemingly serial masochist Lindsay Lohan has learned the hard way that her current fling, “Rush Hour” director Brett Ratner, is taken by reportedly showing up unannounced to find him with his real girlfriend, model Alina Puscau, while they were … er, indisposed (indisack) . . . And rumors are rife that CNN’s Anderson Cooper will be joining CBS-TV’s “60 Minutes” but will also retain his current gig “Anderson Cooper 360“ and may even replay his CBS features on his CNN show (nice touch – work once, get paid twice!).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Johnny Cash – “Like the 309“, the last song he wrote before his death in 2003, will be included on the upcoming Cash collection, “American V: A Hundred Highways”, due for release JULY 4.
• Kylie Minogue – She’s being honored with a bronze statue as part of a Hollywood-style ‘Walk of Fame’ project in her hometown of Melbourne, Australia. Also being honored … Dame Edna.
• Mariah Carey – According to a UK TV host who interviewed her, she has a personal assistant who holds and serves her drinks. She simply turns her head to one side to cue the minion to serve her through a drinking straw but does not actually touch the glass with her hand.
• Reba McEntire – TONIGHT she begins a multi-week run at the Las Vegas Hilton as part of her concert series, “Key to the Heart”, which benefits Habitat for Humanity.
• Rolling Stones – They’ve confirmed they’ll continue with their “A Bigger Bang” world tour, despite guitarist Keith Richards falling out of a coconut tree on his head. A rep says he’s making a speedy recovery from a minor concussion.
FISH FOR BRAINS:
Fish is brain food. Although many dietary wives tales have no basis in science, this one apparently holds up, reports “Scientific American”. Recent studies show that 6-month-old babies whose mothers ate more fish during their 2nd trimester of pregnancy score higher on cognitive tests; and senior citizens who eat fish at least once a week do better on memory and mental acuity exams than peers who do not. (But they also tend to carp more.)
– “Globe & Mail”
INSTANT CHANGE OF CLOTHES:
US chemists are working to develop ‘chameleon clothing’ which would allow the wearer to change its colors in order to blend into the background. A new fabric made of electrochromic polymers is being used which is able to absorb different wavelengths of light, each resulting in a particular hue. Once the fabric is perfected, the clothes will be hooked up to a mini-cam which will record the pattern and colors of the wearer’s surroundings and enable automatic blending with the background. It’s expected the main use will be uniforms for the military. (Husbands might find it useful for wives trying to decide on an outfit to wear to dinner.)
– “New Scientist”
BS LAW & DISORDER:
• Serbian security police admit they may have accidentally put an explosive device on an airplane. In an exercise to test bomb-sniffing dogs at Surcin airport in Belgrade, officers put explosives in luggage destined for London, Paris, Milan & Athens, then let the dogs out to find them. The pooch patrol found all the devices – except one. That’s when the Keystone cops realized they hadn’t marked the bomb bags and couldn’t ID the final suitcase or where it was headed. Then they made their biggest error – they didn’t tell anyone. The truth only came out when a local newspaper investigated. Bottom line: There’s a suitcase out there somewhere containing a small amount of explosives but, fortunately, no detonator.
• A 52-year-old German police commissioner has been arrested for robbing a bank near his police station. He stormed into a bank in Trier wearing a mask and brandishing a gun. After the branch manager handed over cash, he escaped in a car which was later found abandoned. The vehicle was traced back to the commissioner’s girlfriend who admitted she’d lent it to him. A police spokeswoman says the whole incident is unbelievable – even the dumbest thieves usually use stolen vehicles.
• A tight-lipped parrot has been ordered to jail in Argentina. It seems 2 neighbors were in a heated dispute over ownership of the bird, so a Solomon-like judge ordered ‘Pepo’ be held in custody until he ‘fessed up the truth. After 5 days of ‘interrogation’, Pepo finally squealed, offering up the name ‘Jorge’. He also sang the complete fight song of his favorite football team, San Lorenzo. Now they can’t shut him up.
BY THE NUMBERS:
We break down life to simple percentages …
• 80% of university & college women say they are on a diet.
• 65% of all PC problems are caused by software running in the background.
• 63% of pet owners let their pets sleep in their beds.
• 59% of us call in sick at least once during Spring when it’s nice out.
• 33% of secretaries say they pretend to like their boss.
• ‘Mum Rock’ – A trend in the UK whereby middle-aged parents, especially women, are now buying more music CDs than their teenage kids who are presumably into MP3 downloads. How long can the CD format survive if its greatest appeal is now with 40-plus fogeys?
• ‘Sailboat Fuel’ – A term first used by truck drivers & pilots to describe an empty trailer or plane as in “Should be a quick trip, we’re hauling sailboat fuel today.” Now it’s also being used to refer to someone’s intelligence as in “He’s got sailboat fuel for brains.”
FIRST EVER CENSUS ONLINE:
Get your census form in the mail yet? You should be sometime THIS WEEK because MAY 16 is officially “Census Day” in Canada. A few interesting facts …
• The census is taken every 5 years.
• Most of Canada’s circa 13 million households are getting a questionnaire with 8 questions, but 1 in 5 are receiving a ‘long form’ containing 55 questions, many of them optional.
• For the first time, Canadians can fill out the form online. In fact, we’re being encouraged to do so, as StatsCan has included a special access code with each form.
• 30,000 federal employees will collect, compile and crunch the numbers.
• 3 call centers (Toronto, Edmonton & Moncton) will help fill in gaps left in questionnaires.
• For the first time, you can opt to make your census info public … 92 years from now, when privacy protection runs out.
• Stand up and be counted or else! Under the Statistics Act, penalties for not participating can include up to 3 months in jail or a $500 fine. The average census response rate is around 97%.
• Results are expected by mid-February 2007.
– “Toronto Star”
THE DIRTY LITTLE PILL:
As part of a revolutionary treatment for asthma, children in an Australian study will be given a ‘dirt pill’ to provide the germs they missed out on as toddlers. University of Western Australia researcher Susan Prescott says the asthmatic children in the sample study will receive a daily mixture of bacteria and antioxidants. It’s believed the bacteria is needed to replicate the germs they were not exposed to at an early age. As a result, they failed to develop immunity and went on to suffer allergic reactions. (Now there’s a great excuse for kids who don’t want to clear their rooms – “Mom, I’ll get sick!”)
– “Social Studies”
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD TASTE SO GOOD:
A new, buttery-yellow rose named after late TV chef Julia Child has a spicy aroma with licorice overtones. Avid gardener Cathy Barash was so tempted by the fragrance that she tasted it and found its flavor is as good as its scent. Now she’s developed a range of recipes using the rose, including a sorbet and a tasty shortbread. After all, roses, when grown organically, are among the best of the edible flowers. Julia Child would be proud!
– “Christian Science Monitor”
Lack of sleep, too much work, whatever … you’re in a crappy mood and you just can’t seem to shake it. But you’ve got a big day ahead of you so you must. Here are a few ways to feel good fast …
• Close your office door or head to a private area and do invigorating stretches.
• Flash back to how you felt at a moment of achievement (say, when you crossed the finish line in a 4K) and bask in those positive feelings again.
• Ask a 4-year-old to tell you ‘knock-knock’ jokes. Don’t have one handy? Call a friend who does. No one tells jokes like a preschooler.
• Focus on something – anything – yellow. Warm colors (such as red, orange and yellow) have been proven to make people feel happier.
• Steal your kid’s Play-Doh and squish away. Stash a spare can in your desk at work.
• Keep favorite photos from a great trip on your desk and glance at them when real life gets overwhelming.
BS AMAZING FACT:
In every country except Algeria and Malaysia, heterosexual men are far more likely than heterosexual women to say they’re happy with their love-lives.
THE BULL SHEET 05.03.2K6
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1919  Pete Seeger, NYC, folk singer/songwriter/political activist receiving new attention thanks to Bruce Springsteen’s new album, “We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions”
1933  James Brown, Barnwell SC, soul singer (“I Feel Good”)/’Hardest Working Man in Show Business’/’Godfather of Soul’/’Soul Brother Number One’/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1986)
1946  Greg Gumbel, New Orleans LA, TV sportscaster (“The NFL on CBS”)
1968  Shane Minor, Modesto CA, country singer (“Ordinary Love”)
1973  Brad Martin, Greenfield OH, country singer (“Before I Knew Better”)
1975  Dulé Hill, Orange NJ, TV actor (White House aide ‘Charlie Young’ on “The West Wing” 1999-2006)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Hug Your Cat Day”, a highlight of “National Pet Week”. Um, good luck with this idea!
• “Israel Independence Day” (“Yom Ha’Atzma’Ut”), celebrated on the Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday nearest to the Hebrew calendar date of 5 Iyar, which can occur between April 15 and May 15 on the Gregorian calendar. It’s the anniversary of the establishment of the State of Israel in 1948. Hopefully, there WON’T be fireworks.
• “Significant Other Day”, sort of an anniversary celebration for unwed couples. (Meaning, the male half will forget.)
• “Wordsmith Day”. Wow, how scintillating yet somehow egregious!
• “World Press Freedom Day”, as declared by the UN to recognize the value of freedom of expression, and the sacrifices journalist have made to attain this freedom. (And the right to get into sports events with a free pass.)
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1971  MGM auctions off Judy Garland’s size 4-and-a-half ruby slippers from “The Wizard of Oz” for a lousy $15,000
2002  “Spider-Man” opens in movie theaters (“Spider Man 3″ is coming MAY 4, 2007)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1934  1st-ever ‘Comic Book’ is published, “Famous Funnies” from Dell Books
1971  1st ‘Telephone Answering Machine’ (next day the term ‘phone rage’ is coined)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] “Canadian Tulip Festival” begins (Ottawa ON)
[Thurs] Space Day 2006
[Thurs] Relationship Renewal Day
[Thurs] Scrapbook Day
[Thurs] Weather Observer’s Day
[Fri] International Tuba Day
[Fri] Cinco de Mayo
[Sat] 2006 Kentucky Derby
[Sat] Nurses Week begins
[Sun] International UNmothers Day
This Week Is … Cartoon Art Appreciation Week
This Month Is … Fungal Infection Awareness Month
BS EXCUSE OR MISUSE?
A survey of employers reveals some of the most unusual excuses they have heard for not coming into work …
• “I was spit on by a venomous snake.”
• “I totaled my wife’s jeep in a collision with a cow.”
• “A hitman was looking for me.”
• “My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.”
• “I eloped.”
• “My cat unplugged my alarm clock.”
• “I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.”
• “I had to ship my grandmother’s bones to India.” (Who passed away 20 years before.)
So what’s your excuse?
BS ‘MINI STARS’:
Get some kids, any kids (your own will do) and bring ‘em into the studio to record sample dialogue from famous movies (kids reading adult dialogue is always good for a laugh). Play the recordings back on-air and have contestants try to guess the movie, its stars, etc. The website ‘Script-o-rama’ offers full scripts from movies as recent as “Walk the Line” …
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• It’s too much pressure! How about “Mother’s Day” one year and “Father’s Day” the next?
• The Canadian dollar has topped 90 cents US for the first time since 1978. Good thing or bad thing?
BS BLATANT JOKE:
They told me I was gullible … and I believed them!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average woman thinks about THIS 43 times per day.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Her hair.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Love is whatever’s left over come morning.