Monday, May 1, 2006        Edition: #3272
May Day! May Day!

WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• 62-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has suffered a concussion after falling 15-ft out of a palm tree while collecting coconuts in Fiji with Ronnie Wood between concert dates on their “Bigger Bang” world tour. Richards was flown to Ascot Hospital in Auckland, New Zealand. It’s unclear whether the next stop on the tour, scheduled for  MAY 27th at Olympic Stadium in Barcelona, Spain, will be affected. Richards’ rep, by the way, swears he wasn’t drunk. Wow Keith, was it good stuff?
– “Sunday Times”
• Randy Jackson has reupped his “American Idol” contract in a multimillion-dollar deal that will enable Paula Abdul to recycle his opinions for another 3 years. It will also enable Jackson to wear the terms ‘dawg’ and ‘check it out, man’ down to a virtual nub by using them 4,385,879 more times each.
– “E!”
• Word has it pseudo-actress Jessica Simpson will not be joining the cast of the bigscreen “Dallas” remake in the role of ‘Lucy Ewing’ because … Jennifer Lopez (‘Sue Ellen Ewing‘) simply will not allow it. And besides, there aren’t any car washing scenes.
– “Us Weekly”
• 8-months-pregnant Angelina Jolie is reportedly planning to combine her 2 biggest loves, motherhood and activism, when she delivers her first child NEXT MONTH. She’s going to do so by naming the baby … ‘Africa’. Apparently baby-naming is now an official Hollywood competition. ‘Africa’ just might qualify to join ‘Suri’, ‘Moses’ and ‘Grier‘ in the playoffs..
– “Star Magazine”
• Rosie O’Donnell is joining the current game of network-TV musical chairs. She’s signed to become part of the panel on ABC-TV’s daytime talk show “The View” … replacing Meredith Vieira who’s been named co-anchor on NBC-TV’s “Today” … after Katie Couric leaves to anchor the “CBS Evening News”. Whoa, we need a wall chart and a spreadsheet!
– “People Magazine”
• FRIDAY night Ellen DeGeneres won “Daytime Emmy Awards” for ‘Best Talk Show Host’ (her 2nd consecutive) and ‘Best Talk Show’ (her 3rd-in-a-row). That would be far more impressive had Oprah Winfrey not permanently withdrawn herself and her show from any Emmy consideration after 1998.
– “Entertainment Weekly”
• Producer/director Quentin Tarantino is now worried that his Jimi Hendrix biopic won’t get off the ground because … he can’t find anyone capable of playing the iconic guitarist. What, is Joaquin Phoenix booked or something?
– “Contact Music”
• SATURDAY messed-up Brit rocker Pete Doherty was arrested – again – as part of a police investigation into tabloid photos allegedly showing him injecting himself and a woman with heroin … and the young woman was already unconscious! How many passes does this guy get before he kills someone?
– “The Sun”
• And 48-year-old Botox vessel Sharon Stone has reportedly bought a 9,000-sq-ft home with 5 bedrooms in Beverly Hills for just under $11 million. How can she afford it after “Basic Instinct 2″ tanked as a complete box office disaster? The scheming star was paid $14 million for the movie, even though it’s only grossed less than $6 million. Think of it as a going away gift for her career.
– “Star Magazine”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bon Jovi – “Who Says You Can’t Go Home” w/Sugarland’s Jennifer Nettles is the first tune by a rock band to top “Billboard” magazine’s ‘Country Singles Chart’ … ever.
• Brad Paisley – His hit song “Alcohol” was among the winners at the 10th annual “Prism Awards” for accurate portrayal of drug, alcohol & tobacco use and addiction in show biz.
• Christina Aguilera – She’s temporarily ditching her raunchy pop sound for her latest work, an album of old-school jazz tunes.
• 50 Cent – He’s openly criticizing Oprah Winfrey for rarely inviting rappers on her show and accuses her of catering to ‘older white women’. Fiddy, beware the wrath of ‘O’!
• Franz Ferdinand – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Paul McCartney – He’s in talks to headline a concert to celebrate his hometown of Liverpool becoming ‘European City Of Culture’ in 2008.
• U2 – TONIGHT they’re on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.

PODCAST SCHMODCAST:
According to a new survey, only 1% of online households in North America regularly download and listen to podcasts, contrary to what many enthusiasts (like the folks at Apple) might have you believe. This, in spite of the fact that there are a huge array of choices – Podcast.net has 26,651 individual feeds listed. (Or maybe its precisely because of the huge array of choices. How the heck do you ever find anything you’re looking for?)
– “USA Today”

WORST CAR WASHING TECHNIQUES:
• Washing in the sun. The heat from the sun bakes soap suds into your car’s surface during washing and leaves harmful swirl marks in the paint. Always wash your vehicle in the shade.
• Using dishwashing detergent to wash your car. Common detergents are formulated to strip everything off the surface, leaving it squeaky clean but with no protection. Try a purpose-made car wash product.
• Using only 1 bucket of water. You end up transferring dirt back onto the car every time you dunk your towel or wash mitt into that dirty water. Use 2 pails, the second for a clean rinse.
• Using old T-shirts or diapers to dry the car. Small particulates become trapped between smooth cloths and the paint, skidding across the finish and causing scratches. Always use terrycloth or micro-fiber towels.
• Applying a thick layer of wax. The excess remains on the car’s surface and is ultimately counter-effective. For peak protection, use 2 thin layers of wax.
– Netscape Autos
    
DON’T STRESS, WEIGH LESS:
A book called “Fight Fat After Forty” claims stress is the leading cause of weight gain for middle-aged people. (We’re more convinced by a really old study that shows  weight gain can be attributed to … eating a lot.)
– “Men’s Health”

HOPELESS DAY FOR PR:
Thanks to “The Da Vinci Code”, the obscure Catholic society Opus Dei, whose Latin name means ‘Work of God’, has been thrust into the spotlight. Its US headquarters in NYC is waging a public relations campaign to debunk some of the book’s claims about it. But a recent interview with members reveals some unusual facts: The group’s belief in ‘self-mortification’ consists of wearing a ‘cilice’ (pronounced ‘SILL-iss’) – a spiked metal chain – tightened around the thigh for a couple of hours a day; and once a week using a ‘discipline’, a short whip made of knotted cords. The cilice is not a requirement, but very much suggested for celibate members, who make up 30% of the group. (Whoa, such kink! Any rubber suits and/or masks involved?)
– “NY Daily News”

BS AMAZING FACT:
Squirrels get run over by cars on city streets because their evolutionary patterning has taught them to run as quickly as possible across open spaces … without looking.
– “New Scientist”

IS THAT A HOT-AIR POPCORN POPPER IN YOUR CUPBOARD?
What high-ticket consumer item is now sitting around unused in your home? Price comparison website pricerunner.com has conducted a survey and calculated the ‘cost per use’ for each item, the total cost of the product divided by the average number of times it gets used before being mothballed. Usage of a fondue set, for instance, decreases by 69% after just 1 month, leading to a $10 cost per usage. Other items which are quickly discarded once their novelty wears off include back massagers, Nintendo GameBoys ($1 PU), and exercise bikes ($8 PU). The worst dust-gatherer, however, is the ice-cream maker. Average cost per use – $35!
– “Wired”

AND WE QUOTE:
“Katie is a young girl’s name. Her name is Kate now. She’s a child-bearing woman.”
– Tom Cruise, explaining his reason for renaming his … oops, did we almost say ‘zombie slave’? We meant fiancée.

THE BULL SHEET 05.01.2K6

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [56] Dann Florek, Flat Rock MI, TV actor (‘Capt Donnie Cragen’ on “Law & Order Special Victims Unit” since 1999)

1966 [40] Johnny Colt, Cherry Point NC, rock musician (Black Crowes-“Hard to Handle”) FACTOID: The reunited Crowes kick off a 9-week summer tour in Seattle WA on JUNE 10th.

1967 [39] Tim McGraw, Start LA, country singer (“When The Stars Go Blue“)/Mr Faith Hill since 1996  FACTOID: THIS WEEK their “Soul2Soul II” tour rolls into Auburn Hills MI.

1969 [37] Bryan Marchment, Scarborough ON, NHL defenceman (Calgary Flames)

1979 [27] Jennifer Botterill, Ottawa ON [raised Winnipeg MB], Team Canada hockey forward (1 silver & 2 golds in Olympics 1998-2006, 1 silver & 4 golds in Women’s World Championships)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Couple Appreciation Day”, a day to tell a duo how cool you think they are together. (Something to do with initiating a menage?)
• “May Day”, a traditional holiday celebration since ancient times. Since 1889, “May Day” has been officially observed in some 66 countries as a labor holiday. The British still enjoy a “May Day” bank holiday, which was traditionally a Celtic festival called “Beltane”, when the beginning of summer was greeted with great bonfires in honor of the sun. In Hawaii, today is “Lei Day”, observed since 1928, when people give one another the gift of a kiss and a lei (it’s a long way to go for a lei).
• “Melanoma Monday”, to help raise public awareness about malignant melanoma, a potentially fatal form of skin cancer and encourage early detection through screening.
• “Mother Goose Day”, which actually honors many different writers. The term was first used in the title of the nursery rhyme collection “Mother Goose’s Melody” about 1765. The name caught on, and nursery rhymes have been attributed to ‘Mother Goose’ ever since. What’s the most violent nursery rhyme?
• “National Teen Day” (well right … like uh, isn’t EVERY day?)
• “New Homeowner’s Day” (congratulations … got your repair manual yet?)
• “Save the Rhino Day” (and trade ‘em with your friends!)
• “School Principals Day” (it’s a dirty job but some militaristic Nazi’s gotta do it!)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1939 [67] “Batman” debuts as a comic strip hero by DC Comics

1941 [65] Orson Welles’ movie classic “Citizen Kane” premieres in NYC

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1967 [39] Elvis Presley marries Priscilla Beaulieu (divorced in 1973)

1998 [08] Celine Dion admitted to prestigious Order of Canada

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1941 [65] ‘Cheerios’ breakfast cereal 1st introduced

1961 [45] 1st ‘Airline Hijacking’ (USA to Cuba)

1997 [09] Labour party leader Tony Blair 1st elected British Prime Minister

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1920 [86] After 8 hours, 22 minutes of play over 26 innings, ‘Longest Baseball Game’ in major league history between Boston Braves and Brooklyn Robins is called a 1-1 draw (incredibly, the same 2 pitchers work the entire game)

1991 [15] 44-year-old Texas Ranger Nolan Ryan pitches MLB record 7th ‘No-Hitter’ (beats Toronto Blue Jays 3-0)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Sibling Appreciation Day
[Tues] Robert’s Rules Day
[Wed] Hug Your Cat Day
[Thurs] “Canadian Tulip Festival” begins (Ottawa ON)
[Thurs] Space Day 2006
[Thurs] Relationship Renewal Day
[Thurs] Scrapbook Day
[Fri] “Mission: Impossible 3″ opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Cinco de Mayo
[Fri] International Tuba Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Public Service Recognition Week / Carpet Care Improvement Week / Music Week / Cartoon Art Appreciation Week / Photo Week / Childcare Awareness Week / Family Week / Pen Friends Week International

BULL’S BITS

TODAY is the deadline for filing your 2006 income tax. As April 30th was a Sunday, returns postmarked or filed by May 1 will be considered filed on time.
BS WAYS TO ENSURE AN AUDIT BY THE CRA:
• Wait till the last minute and copy the numbers from the guy standing next to you in line at the post office.
• Fill out your forms in yellow crayon.
• Detail 11,215 online stock trades – and claim you came out exactly even.
• Pay in pennies – delivered by sling slot.
• Deduct adoption costs associated with adopting a new personality.
• Claim a home office deduction based on all the in-home counseling you give to friends and family.
• Deduct visits to a professional psychic in an attempt to get winning Lotto 649 numbers.
• Claim your cat as a dependent.
• Claim charitable deductions that equal more than your income.
• On the line that asks what you made this year, answer ‘Trouble’.

TODAY is “Law Day” in America, observed since 1958 to promote ‘equality and justice under the law’ – no matter how goofy it might be. For instance these …
ODD LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS:
• In Jasper AL, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• It is illegal to kiss on a train in Wisconsin.
• It is illegal for women to stand within 5 feet of a bar while drinking in Wyoming.
• It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades in Connecticut.
• North Andover MA prohibits its citizens from carrying ‘space guns’.
• It’s illegal to tease skunks in Minnesota.
• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory In South Dakota.
• Women in VT must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
• In Lebanon VA it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• What’s the absolute weirdest job you’ve ever heard of someone having?
• According to an online poll about ‘English Icons’, cricket, miniskirts and pubs are just a few of the things that typify the ultimate in ‘Englishness’. What 3 things do you think are icons of ‘Canadianess’?

BS WEB GOODIE:
So this guy makes a bet with his girlfriend that anyone can attract 2 million hits on a website … and after 6 weeks he’s already over 21 million. Can you guess what the payoff is?
NET: http://www.helpwinthisbet.com

BS BLATANT JOKE:
The shortest period of time between 2 events is the time between when the light turns green
and when the idiot behind you blows his horn.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Before rubber erasers came along, THIS was commonly used to erase lead pencil scribbles.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Balled-up pieces of bread.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Some people don’t have the discipline to take a break.


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